Healthy Sex | The Naked Marriage Podcast | Dave and Ashley Willis

Are you and your spouse looking for something that will jump start your marriage this year? You have got to join us for the EXO Marriage Conference at Home. This is our XO Marriage Conference that you can see in the comfort of your own home. And you can join us live or you can watch it at your leisure on demand.

I am so excited about the XO Conference this year. And it's. This is, like Ashley said, a live event and you don't have to travel to see it. You don't have to worry about social distancing. You don't have to put on a mask. You can watch it naked in your house if you want to, however you want to watch it. But the content is going to be amazing. We are so looking forward to speaking at it. There's a lineup of some of our very favorite marriage speakers who are going to be speaking with us and this could be a game changer for you and your spouse.

That's right. So go today and Sign up for XO at Home by going to xoathome.com.

Welcome to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis. On this podcast we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. We're in a fun series called Naked and Healthy based on our brand new book, Naked and Healthy, which you can get@nakedandhealthy.com and we're having a great conversation today about healthy sex. We've been looking forward to this topic. Ashley especially sex is like all she thinks about. It's all she wants to talk about.

He just loves hearing me talk about it.

I do. I just get giddy with delight to hear you talk about it. But before we dive in, Ashley's gonna share a recent review. And thank you all. For all of you who are leaving reviews on itunes or wherever you happen to be listening or watching, we read them. We appreciate.

Today's review is from Shelley V O and she gave us five stars. Thank you, Shelly. She says, I just wanted to say thank you helping me see how to put all the love I have in my heart for my favorite man and our eight children into words and actions that actually show them how I feel. The advice you give is superb. You tell me how I can use words with I can. You tell me how I can word things with kindness instead of being too harsh. Your podcast has made such a difference in my life and I look forward every week to the new episodes because of it. All of my relationships have benefited because of me listening to your podcast. Thank you. You are both awesome. Wow. Shelly thank you so much for leaving that review. That just makes our day. It makes our day. And it's also a great way to let other people know about the podcast. So if you love this podcast and have not left a review yet, be sure to do so today. And let's dive into today's episode. All right, guys. Well, Dave and I have big, goofy grins on our face because today's episode is about having healthy sex. We're so cheesy. I know, but, I mean, we're like middle school. The inner middle schooler in us just always comes out whenever we.

I just watching you talk about sex.

He really does.

If you're watching this episode on YouTube, you're getting the extra treat of, like, both of us just kind of, like, smiling and looking cheesy the whole time. Right. So maybe you're glad if it's only audio. If you're, like, on itunes or Spotify, you're like, I'm glad I'm not watching them right now, because that would be awkward. But we're excited about this topic. We are.

In all seriousness, we are. And it's an important topic. Cause sex is important. Sex was created by God for marriage. It is awesome. But I think sometimes it can be unhealthy because we have really. I think sex begins in the mind, and we can have some unhealthy views of what sex is, what it's supposed to look like, and what we expect from our spouse. And that can really cause some rifts in marriage.

It definitely can. And there are a lot of reasons for this. We've talked a lot about this in past episodes. We talk a lot about this in the new Naked and Healthy book that this whole series of the podcast is based on. And you can find that@nakedandhealthy.com where we dive in deeper around all these topics, and particularly in the healthy sex part. But the baggage that people have related to sex can come from anywhere. And I think some of the unhealthy ideas we have about sexual it can come from our own mindsets. It can come from past baggage. It can come from just the prevalence of porn in our society, which people look at as like, a how to manual for sex. And really, there's nothing healthy about porn. There's nothing real about it. And I think that's poison. So many people's mindsets that's made them look at sex as just this kind of like, impersonal, mechanical exchange that's based on these fantasies that aren't real. And really they're missing out on the beauty and the sacredness and pleasure of sex that God intended in its pure form within marriage. But then couples say, well, I don't know what healthy sex looks like, so, like, where do I go to find that? And the Bible is an amazing sex manual, really. Among other things. You might never think of it that way. You think ancient sex manual. I know the Kama Sutra. I didn't know the Bible. And the Bible doesn't have, like, pictures or anything, thankfully. But God gives us this beautiful depiction throughout scripture, particularly in books like the Song of Solomon, where it's a celebration of love and a celebration of the joy and pleasure and purity of sex within marriage and getting away all of the clutter in our minds that inhibit that. And so in this episode, we're gonna just talk about kind of how to get back to that. Enjoying healthy sex, being naked and healthy in a physical sense and in a spiritual sense, and kind of clearing away some of the baggage that can come from the false mindsets, maybe the past choices that we've made, maybe from our own insecurities about our body. I think sometimes it's hard to really enjoy sex when we feel insecure or inadequate in our body. So how to build each other up and make sure your spouse knows that you think they are the hottest thing on the planet. And how do we do all that?

Yeah, I mean, it can be tough, But I just want to say right out of the gate that healthy sex is regular or frequent sex, like making sure that you're doing it regularly. Okay. I think that. And a lot of people don't like hearing that, but it's healthy when you both are able to. I know there's some very rare circumstances where for a season, maybe one of you or both of you aren't able to for medically, you know, medical reasons, but most of the time, we are able to. And so healthy sex is making sex a priority, making sure that it's happening frequently. Now, again, it's going to look different in every marriage. The frequency, you know, how many times a week or whatever it is for your marriage is going to look very different. So you don't need to guilt each other into keeping up with some number, because it's going to be different for each couple. But you do need to make sure it's happening regularly and that it's a frequent part of your marriage, that it's an important part of your marriage. And that takes making it a priority and making sure that you're kind of keeping your thumb on the pulse of of how your spouse is feeling if their needs are being met, and making sure, too, that you're voicing your needs. You know, I think so many times we just kind of run around in circles trying to meet each other's needs, but never really voicing our needs. So we never really know what needs we're trying to meet. And it's like trying to go after a moving target. And you really just need to tell your spouse in the most loving way possible. Like, this is what I need. You know, I really need more conversation before we have sex, because I just feel when we just jump right in and I can't even really get there because that's the part that romances me. You have to be that specific and say, I want to enjoy it as much as you enjoy it, but this is not happening. Or I just don't feel like it's happening enough. And what can I do to make you want to have sex more? What are some things that I could be doing? You need to have those kind of just very honest and open conversations. And some of you watching this and listening to this might be like, well, gosh, I just don't know what my spouse would say. And that's okay. That's okay. That's the whole point of this, is you don't know the answer. That's why you're asking. But we have to be safe places where we're not scared to talk about these things again. The whole reason we have this podcast is to help you and your spouse have connection. Because I do believe there's this epidemic of Christian married couples and non Christian married couples really missing out on the connection that God designed marriage to be. And a lot of this is because we're afraid to be completely honest and transparent and vulnerable. But in order to have a naked marriage and a connected marriage and a satisfying marriage and beautiful, just committed union, you gotta be able to be completely vulnerable and honest. And it can be scary at times.

Sure. I mean, that's nakedness feels scary, but it's also the only place where true love, true vulnerability, true intimacy can live. And that's why everything we talk about in the Naked Marriage podcast and in the new Naked and Healthy book is about getting to that place where, yeah, it might feel a little scary at first to step out of your comfort zone and get that vulnerable. But, man, that's where love lives. That's the only place love can live. And so don't settle for anything less than that. I think so often in marriage, maybe one of the reasons why A couple isn't having a healthy, thriving sex life is just kind of miscommunication. Like, Ashley talked about communicating so openly and honestly. I remember talking to a guy, a Christian guy, loved his wife, but he was so frustrated in his marriage. And he said, you know, and really this was the predicament. He was like, sex is my number one need. It is my number one need. It eclipses all of my other needs by far. And for my wife, it just doesn't seem to be anywhere on her radar. And she doesn't seem all that interested in meeting my number one need. So anything that happens that will distract her from sex, it seems like, is more important. If there are dishes that need to be done, then that's more important to her than being able to make love, if, you know, whatever it is. And he said, and to me, when she knows this is such a desperate need but wants to go do this other thing, it feels like to me, she doesn't love and respect me because this is my greatest need. She's the only one on earth who can meet that need. And everything in her life feels more important to me than that. And that's how it felt to him. Now to her. And I didn't have a chance to talk to her, but I'm sure in her mind, she's thinking like, I've got all these things I want to be able to focus on and be present in the moment, but I can't with all these other things going on, all this other clutter that's happening, all these other things that I have to check off my to do list. The way that most men and most women approach sex mentally is vastly different. Men look at sex as a form of stress relief. Women need stress relief before they can be in the mindset to make love. This is part of the fact that God has a sense of humor, that he makes us completely opposite, but it's also he puts us together with these differences so that we can serve one another. Marriage is an opportunity to constantly serve one another's needs. Your wife, your husband, is not wired up like you, and that's a good thing. But we need to have the patience to meet them where they are. We need to have the trust to be able to talk openly about this, to say, listen, I feel like this need that I have is not being met. But to do it in a way where your spouse doesn't feel attacked, where you both feel safe, you both feel heard, and make sure that you're prioritizing each other's needs and Both of you are willing to step out of your comfort zone some to do it. Otherwise, you're just going to settle into a rut where one or both of you is extremely frustrated, both sexually and otherwise, and your marriage just starts slowly drifting apart, and you start living like two roommates that don't even really like each other anymore that just happened to share some bills and maybe some kids. And that is not what marriage is supposed to be. God wants so much more for you. So if you feel like that you're drifting in the wrong direction, then let this episode be a turning point. You know, maybe share the link to this with your spouse. Say, hey, listen to this, and then let's talk about this, because I want us to have some new conversations about sex. I just want our sex life to be everything that it can be. And I want to meet your needs. I want to make sure that together with both the frequency that Ashley talked about and that you know every healthy aspect of sex, that we're both feeling loved and fulfilled, our needs are being met, and that we're enjoying that beautiful union, physical, emotional, spiritual, that God intended in marriage. And that's going to keep us stronger. So let's talk about how to get there.

I love that. And I just want to say real quick, if you want to understand more about this whole. You mentioned mental Clutter. We actually have an entire episode called Mental Clutter in the earlier episodes of the Naked Marriage podcast, if you want to go back and listen to that, because it does. It kind of explains how our minds, men and women, we have such different ways of approaching this. And I think we've mentioned this before on the podcast, but when it comes to stress specifically, which I know for many women, not all, but for many women, having the laundry on the floor or whatever it is, it could have work things that's on her calendar, like emails she hasn't answered yet, whatever it is, that mental clutter shuts her down. And the stress alone kind of kills the libido. But in a man, if he has the same things going on, he would totally put a hold on that. And sex would be the thing that would relieve the stress right away. And so we're wired very differently in that respect. And that can cause conflict. And so especially for the husbands, go back and listen to the Mental Clutter podcast and you'll have a little bit of a better understanding. But the women, too, you can get a lot out of that and how we can deal with that, because sometimes, too, I want to say this to those listening where mental clutter is the thing, where that's the thing that is keeping you from having sex more frequently in your marriage. Sometimes you do have to just put a pause on it because your marriage is more important than finishing the laundry. And I'm talking to myself here because I am pretty anal retentive about my home, about things being orderly. But I've really had to learn to just kind of, you know. First of all, a practical way to help this is to go to your spouse and go to your kids. Cause kids are great helpers, too. And say, mom can't do it all. You know, like, mom needs help and mom shouldn't be doing it all. You know, we're a family. And family pitches in and helps. Because most of the time they're not seeing it like you see it. They're not seeing all the details of the things that need to be done. And what I used to do is get really frantic and become what I like to refer to as the momster and freak out on my kids and be like, I need help. You know, and then they're like, we didn't even know we were supposed to do this. And so we have to be better communicators, you know, about what we need. And. And when it comes to our spouse, too, a lot of us, we end up, you know, end up in a fight with our spouse. Because, you know, we assumed they were seeing what needed to be done without actually telling them. And so we've got to. We've got to use our words and go to our spouse and go to our kids who can help and say, listen, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I really need y' all to pitch in. I actually just had, like a family meeting like this the other day because we had a lot on the plate. And Dave could tell, he could sense, like, I was feeling the pressure. And he said, ashley, what needs to be done? Like, what needs to be done? Just tell us. And so I told Dave. And then Dave went to the boys. Cause our boys, you know, they're 15, 13, 9, and 5. And so they can do stuff. And he was like, here's what needs to be done. I need you, Connor, to empty all the trash cans. I need this kid to do this. And it was like, very quickly. Oh, my goodness, my many, many hands. Flight work they do. And it helps, you know, for the person. It's not always the mom or the wife. You know, a lot of times this could be the dad that feels that pressure. We all need to pitch in, but we need to make Our needs and our desires known. And we can't assume that our family knows what we need. But specifically, when it comes to sex, if the mental clutter thing is holding you back, we need to make it known that we need help. And there is strength in that. There is strength in that.

You have to be able to. You cannot expect your spouse to read your mind. If you have, you know, sexual desires that you aren't voicing. You can't expect your spouse to be a mind reader. You can't expect it. You have to tell them, like, I really love it when you do this. Or, I mean, you tell them what feels good, tell them what you like. But then even beyond the bedroom, you've got to tell them what you need. Like, you know, I mean, I could really use some help, you know, with. If you would do this, that would be great. If you would take care of this thing for me, that would be. That would be great. Or, you know, I feel like we need to just talk more. I need more communication. I need more time with you. I really need. I need there to be a period of time, once a day where the phones are shut off and where we can just connect. You have to tell them. And don't think, well, my spouse doesn't care. Because they don't just know that your spouse isn't a psychic and they're not wired up like you. God made them different. And that doesn't mean they're wrong, and it doesn't mean you're wrong. It just means that he's made you differently so that you have to communicate in order to best serve one another. And if you'll do those things, it's going to lead to health in all parts of your marriage. It's gonna help you get naked and healthy, you know, where you're gonna grow stronger in your health, mentally, physically, spiritually, and in your marriage. And yes, for the purposes of this episode, in your sex life, which is an important part of your marriage, it's a very important part of your marriage. And so don't push it aside. You have to just simply make it a priority and just talk. Say, how would our marriage look differently if sexual intimacy infrequently was a huge priority for us both? How would we reorder our lives, our thoughts, our conversations if we both considered that a huge priority and then make those little adjustments?

Right? Are you and your spouse looking for something that will jump start your marriage this year? You have got to join us for the exomarriage conference at home. This is our EXO Marriage Conference that you can see in the comfort of your own home. And you can join us live or you can watch it at your leisure on demand.

I am so excited about the EXO Conference this year. And it's. This is, like Ashley said, a live event, and you don't have to travel to see it. You don't have to worry about social distancing. You don't have to put on a mask. You can watch it naked in your house if you want to, however you want to watch it. But the content is going to be amazing. We are so looking forward to speaking at it. There's a lineup of some of our very favorite marriage speakers who are going to be speaking with us, and this could be a game changer for you and your spouse.

That's right. So go today and Sign up for XO at Home by going to xoathome.com. And I want to just speak real practically for a second, too, because I know we're talking a lot about the mindsets that we have about sex, because I do believe, you know, I think Dave has said it once that the mind is actually like a sex organ because it's like, where all those thoughts kind of affect how we view sex and really, the sexual experience. I mean, it's very much a mental thing, and I think we forget that. So we need to make sure that we have healthy thoughts when it comes to sex. And we've talked so much about this on the podcast. There's many podcasts about this, and we do go extensively into this in the Naked and Healthy book. But I wanna talk about the physical aspect. I think sometimes we don't feel like our sex life is healthy because, you know, maybe we don't feel like things are working right. You know, it's like, maybe it's painful. Maybe, you know, maybe, you know, you're just. You're like, this doesn't seem to feel right. And we've actually talked to a lot of couples that go through this, and I think there's shame that comes on this and embarrassment. And people don't talk about it because they're like, I don't want anybody to know because I feel like there's something terribly wrong with me.

It's very vulnerable.

It is. It's very vulnerable. But you got to talk to your spouse about it, and you got to be really honest about it. And I think, I mean, it's things as simple as, you know, it could be that maybe you're on birth control and it's really affecting Your mental state, which, I mean, people don't talk about this, but a lot of birth control can, you know, in pill form. We're talking about birth control pills. They can affect you mentally. And for a lot of women, they don't tolerate it well. And I was one of those women. Like, I did not tolerate it well. And it actually enhanced my depression. And I found this out later. And it's a thing we don't talk about. And so, like, if you found that, like, mentally you're never in the mood because you're just sad and you're on this new pill and you're like, oh, it's not working, right? I mean, that could be something that you need to address and you need to maybe consider some other forms there. I mean, it could be. And I'm just gonna get real honest with you all. It could be that you're using condoms and the spermicide is actually, you know, you have an allergic reaction to it, and so you need to not use those anymore. But these are things, again, people think, oh, you know, sex just hurts me. I guess that's just how I am. But really, it could be that, like, there's something that you guys are using.

It's not supposed to hurt, right?

Exactly. It's supposed to be awesome and pleasurable. And it needs to, again, to be that safe place where you can talk about it and you can enjoy it and you gotta talk to your spouse about this. Because there are fixes, there's things you can do. You know, we've talked a lot about how sometimes for men, there's erectile dysfunction, or maybe there's. I can't remember the term, but where. Where the man climaxes much faster than the woman. And so there's things you can do to address these issues. Because premature. Premature ejaculation. I was like, why can't I come up with that word? But, you know, it's one of those things where again, we get embarrassed to talk about it. But you guys, so many people deal with this. I mean, we're human beings. We have stuff.

Here's the good news, though. There are solutions for everything in that list we just shared. Yes, there are solutions. And so instead of just saying, like, oh, well, that's just my deal, and so that's just how it's gonna be, or maybe we're not gonna have sex as much cause it's not that enjoyable, say, no, there are solutions to make it better. Medical solutions, if it's like hormonal or something, that could help. That way supplements yeah, supplements. There are, you know, there's something for everything. I mean, there's topical solutions, there's lubricant solutions. Like, there are things to make it better, but it's worth the effort to keep trying and get to the root of like, okay, if it's not an optimal experience for both of us, what can we do to make sure that it is? And how can we serve each other by prioritizing it enough to find those solutions? And so if your sex life isn't as healthy as it could be, start by having conversations about it. Open, honest conversations. Not condemning or accusing your spouse, saying, oh, well, it's because you do this or you don't do that, but instead making those conversations just like your marriage bed itself. A safe place where you can talk about anything.

Exactly. And I just wanna say this real quick before we get into our question for today. The healthiest sex between a husband and a wife is when they are completely focused on one another.

Oh, yeah.

Where there's not these past relationships in your mind, where there's not the baggage in your mind, there's not the issues you feel like you're going through in your mind. There's not the to do list going on in your mind. And certainly not pornography and those kind of images going in your mind, which we talked extensively about. The best kind of sex is when you are fully giving yourself to your spouse and embracing this gift that God made specifically for marriage. And there's no distractions. I mean, that's what it's really all about. And I know that can be hard because again, maybe it's not even anything bad that's going on in your mind. Like, there's no sin or some past sin that's like you're replaying in your mind. But even when you're thinking about other things, you're cheating your spouse and yourself of the connection.

Right. If you're going through your to do.

List, even, and you all. I get this. Like, I'm a list person, and I've told Dave this. I'm like, let me get. I need to get myself in the right mindset because I want to fully be present with you. And that's important. We really. I don't think we talk about that enough. But it's important because that's what sex was designed for. It's mental, it's emotional, it's physical and it's spiritual. It's a holy act between a husband and wife because it was designed by God. And when it's done right, you experience that on such a deeper level. And so that's probably the most important part of having a healthy sex life, is making sure that we're truly embracing it for the gift that it is and keeping the marriage bed that beautiful, holy, safe place that it was designed to be.

Well said. Well, I think that's a perfect segue into today's question, which is also on the same topic. So today's question. My wife and I have been married for over a year, and we have not had sex yet. We've come close and have done other sexy things. But almost every time I ask her if she wants to make out or do other things she doesn't want to or just does it begrudgingly, I feel ashamed and like I'm a bad husband. When I ask her to do something, I know she doesn't want to do it. She feels like a bad wife because she thinks it's all her fault. How can we overcome this obstacle? Well, I appreciate the honesty of this question, and I'm glad that you wrote in. And I think that, you know, there are a lot of couples who are suffering in silence, stuck in a sexless marriage or a marriage where, you know, sex is very rare or it's very uncomfortable for whatever reason. But in all those situations, you have to work to the root of what's really. What's really causing it. We have some good friends whose marriage started out in a somewhat similar way. And really, it turns out that it was because there was some past abuse, sexual abuse. We've done a whole episode on past sexual abuse that you should listen to, if that's part of your story. But that past abuse in her life that she hadn't really talked to her husband about, it created so much anxiety around sex that it just shut her down completely. Sometimes it's one of those kind of issues which are very delicate, need to be worked through with counseling and other things. Sometimes it's something else. But you have to work through it and you have to prioritize it. And for that spouse that just. They've kind of shut off the sexual part of their mind for whatever reason, for the sake of their marriage, you have to be willing to say, I'm gonna work through this. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to work through this, because this is something that our marriage needs. And I'm not gonna just settle or make my spouse settle for a sexless marriage.

Absolutely. And I just. I wanna commend this husband for being so. So caring. I can tell he really cares, and he's not being hateful towards his wife. And, I mean, he's very much just wanting to find solutions. And it sounds like she wants to as well. And so I would say, you know, I definitely. I think Dave talked about counseling. Definitely talk to a Christian counselor. I think there might be some underlying issues here and thoughts about sex. Or maybe, again, we don't, you know, maybe something happened in her past where she sees sex in a really negative light and it just doesn't feel right to her, but she can work through that and find healing by talking to a Christian counselor. And again, it takes a lot more time than we ever think it will. So I want to encourage this husband to be patient with her in that process. But I also think, you know, I would encourage her to go see an obgyn, which is a female doctor that can make sure that everything's okay with her when it comes to her being a woman, and that everything's kind of in working order because there's sometimes things that you're unaware of that are making maybe sex uncomfortable, and so you haven't completely been able to embrace it. And so definitely go there. They can also test her hormones and see if her hormone levels are right. And there's also remedies for that. And so, again, it's just about getting to the root of what is causing this problem and working together and being compassionate, being towards each other and saying, you know, I'm here for you. This just isn't about satisfying my needs. I want you to enjoy sex, too, and I want us to have this amazing, you know, marriage and relationship where sex is not this thing that you dread, but this thing that we both really enjoy together. And so I just want to encourage you both and keep on praying for each other and with each other and let each other know that you're in this together. That's very essential.

Yeah, that's so good. So keep working together for those solutions. You know, both in this particular situation and as we talked about this whole episode. Just keep working together for those solutions. And one of those solutions might be something you'll find in the new book, Naked and Healthy.

Yes.

So check that out@nakedandhealthy.com you can pre order it. It's out very soon. You can get the audiobook, the ebook, paperback. You can also find it all on Amazon, so check that out. Thank you guys so much for listening today and for those on YouTube, thanks for watching today as well, and we will look forward to seeing you next time.

Hey, listeners, we just want to show you how much. We appreciate you listening to the podcast week after week, and we have a free gift just for you listeners, and that is a free, free chapter from our very new book, Naked and Healthy.

That's right. The chapter is called In Thickness and in Health, which is one of my favorite chapters in the whole book. It's about our misadventures, our wins and our losses, and kind of our journey toward physical health. It has some of my favorite stories in it. And again, we want to give you this chapter for free, just for being a listener to this podcast. So all you have to do is pull out your phone and text Naked Marriage, all one word, that's N A K E D M A R R I A G E to the number 31996 naked marriage to 31996. And we will send you that free chapter. Thanks again for listening.