Help! My Spouse Is Depressed | The Naked Marriage Podcast | Dave & Ashley Willis

Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we are continuing today in our series Help My Spouse Is. And today we're going to talk about something that is very near and dear to our hearts, and that is Help. My spouse is depressed. But you may see that we're going to make a shift in our location. If you're watching this on YouTube, you want to tell them why, sweetie?

Yeah. So because of some factors with travel and with studio time, we're having to do the, the intro to this episode at the marriage capital of the world here in South Lake, Texas at the world's greatest podcast studio. And we love being here. And then we're going to do the. The body of the, you know, the rest of the podcast episode from our home studio in Evans, Georgia. So this is going to be the first two states I think we've ever done, and we invite you to join us. So the, the audio quality is going to, it's going to change bit here in a minute when we shift from the intro to it. But stick with us because we've got some really important things to discuss if either you or your spouse are dealing with or have dealt with depression, which is something Ashley and I both have personal experience with. And we know from the messages you send us on Instagram and email that many, many of you are struggling with this as well. And we want to give you some practical tools, some help, and some hope that we know work from personal experience. So let's dive in.

Well, hey, guys, as we mentioned in the beginning, we are actually back in our home studio. That's why it looks different if you're watching on YouTube. But we are very looking forward to discussing this topic today of depression because it's something that we've both experienced and because we know there are millions and millions of people where, you know, you are currently going through a depression right now and you don't know what to do, or maybe your spouse is depressed right now or maybe you think they are and you're not quite sure. We hope that during this episode, you know, that it'll, it'll give you more clarity on not only what the symptoms are, but also how you know how to get help and kind of the steps you can take to healing.

Yes. And thankfully there's so many solutions out there, guys. And so first off, starting with just kind of some of the warning signs of depression, because depression can manifest differently in different people. And just to give kind of a broad generalization, it tends to manifest differently in men than it does in women, and not always. But one of the trends that we see, and that research tends to back up, is that in women it tends to manifest more as sadness, like visible sadness, whereas with men, it tends to manifest more as anger. It's like our just. Our fuse gets shorter, so we might not feel like we're depressed. We're just. We just got a short fuse and we're. We're angry, we're edgy. Of course, both genders can experience sadness and anger and plenty of other symptoms like just exhaustion, stress, feeling of overwhelming, being overwhelmed, feelings of dread, losing interest in things that once enjoyed. Ashley and I have both experienced this. And so it looked different for each of us, and kind of like the path out of it has, you know, looked a little bit different for each of us. And so we're going to talk a little bit about our own experiences with it. Not that ours are going to line up exactly with yours, but just, you know, our own experiences are the one aspect of things that we are experts in. And so we're going to talk about that and what's helped us. And hopefully through this conversation, if you see any of these traits in yourself or in your spouse, it will, I don't know, just give you some hope and maybe some practical next steps for how to. How to move forward.

Definitely. And also from a clinical perspective, I just want to recognize that there's different kind of actual diagnoses. Like when it comes to depression. There's something, you know, if you go to the DSM 5, like, for those who are in the kind of therapeutic fields or if you've been to a therapist, they'll mention this. They, you know, if you're just having what we refer to as depression, a lot of times they call this major depressive disorder. And this is just basically what Dave just described. But there's also another side to it where someone might be suffering from bipolar disorder. And there's actually different classifications of bipolar. This used to be called manic depression. And this means you would have episodes of mania where maybe you have just bursts of energy and your mind is racing. You're able to get a lot done, but sometimes you don't end up making a lot of sense and you can't come down from it. It's kind of this. You're manic, and then, you know, you might have depressive seasons, and the range of how long these last can vary. But you go back, you know, you kind of rotate from mania to. To depression. And some usually have one more than the other. So there's different kind of, there's different ways you can experience depression. And so what we're going to talk about today is just a general overview of depression. And even if you never receive a diagnosis, I do think people, because I know that sometimes a diagnosis can be helpful because it gives people a language and kind of a list and some people love that. But for others, it can be really detrimental because they feel labeled and they feel like, oh my gosh, I'm a depressed person, you know, like, who am I now? And so I don't think we need to focus so much on that. What we do need to focus on is just how we are feeling, how our spouse is feeling and what we can do to help each other through this. And so for me personally, I've shared with it with you guys many times. If you're familiar with the podcast and even watch this at exo talks, you know, I went through a bout with anxiety and depression, which for a lot of you who have been through this, they often pair together. Not always. Sometimes people just go through depression. Sometimes they just have, you know, anxiety and panic attacks.

But they're kind of siblings. They tend to show up in pairs.

Often they do, because I think one kind of can build on the other because you can feel depressed. And then sometimes if you are catastrophizing and feeling depressed, like, well, what if I'm this way forever? What if my spouse leaves me? Or what if this and that, that can kind of turn into anxiety. So they're not always together, but they can be. And for me, I had both and, and I did, I had all those symptoms. Like I didn't enjoy the things that I enjoyed before. Now for me personally, I had what I refer to and I've heard many refer to, not that this is like a clinical term, but many refer to it as like high functioning depression or high functioning anxiety, meaning that I was very much depressed, but I would kind of push myself to go through my day and act like I wasn't depressed. Okay. But there would be days where I would crash because that's what happens when you're pushing through, you're just going to crash. And so I would have, you know, really it was only Dave probably who knew the depths of my anxiety and depression. And for me, you know, I would, I would go through the motions. And like at the time we were in youth ministry and we're meeting with these kids and they're just like Our whole world, we didn't even have children at this time and you know, really dealing with serious things, wouldn't you say? Like with the kids we were ministering to and what, what kind of was assigned to me about my depression was, you know, not like whenever I would hear about others burdens, it felt overwhelming to me. Whereas you know, nowadays, now that I've been free from depression for a long time, it's something I want to be a burden bearer with him, but it doesn't sink me lower, you know what I'm saying? And I also know kind of my own triggers and the boundaries that I need in place. But I remember that, you know, messing with me, little things that I would have been able to shake off, it really took me down and it made me almost have like an identity crisis. And I remember in particular I had been on the worship team at my home church for years and like had grown up in this church and had been part of a choir in this church. And in that season, for whatever reason, it was kind of, hey, we don't really need you on this team anymore. I mean, pretty much, right?

Yeah.

And that messed with me, didn't it? I mean, I cried so hard, I mean, which, yeah, that'd be upsetting. But it really just took me down deeper. Do you remember that?

Definitely remember. Yeah.

Yeah. And I remember even going to my parents house, like us going over there and talking about it and I was. It's like I couldn't. Like a lot of times when you're depressed or even with any mental health issue, it's hard to work out of it. Like you, your brain, it's like, it's like a pinball just going back and forth and it has no way out. Like I. I just felt like I couldn't cope, you know, and. And it was in that season that Dave, you know, when I finally was honest with him about kind of how low my thoughts went because there were at my lowest points, you know, times where I was like, maybe everybody's better off without me. Like I'm. And it wasn't just because of things, because the worship team, let me just say, I mean this was like years of prolonged depression and anxiety. And I remember, you know, just not being my peppy self and not being able to carry out tasks that normally I would be able to carry out and feeling, you know, I end up having a baby in the midst of this and feeling like a. That's when it really took me low is I felt like a total like terrible mother because I Didn't have all the gushy feelings. And then I felt really guilty because I'm like, oh, my gosh, God gave you this healthy child. And, I mean, it's such a gift and an honor to be a parent. Like, get it together. What's wrong with you? And so there were times where I would feel like, well, maybe. Maybe they just. Like, I'm a burden to them. And I remember when I told you, you helped me to find the help that I needed in going to the doctor. I got on medication in the short term. Some people need this long term. There's no shame in that. I was on an antidepressant, Zoloft, for a little bit. I went to my counselor over and over again weekly. A Christian counselor. I read books. One of my favorite books is Beth Moore's Praying God's Word, where I would focus on things that I was struggling with. It's topical. And then I would. You know, she had perforated cards in there where you could rip them off and you could put them in your car, put them on your bathroom mirror and, like, focus on the word, like, meditate on the word. I also. Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer really helped me, too. That's kind of my story, and from your perspective and helping me through that, and I can speak to yours, too. What are some things you learned in that season of walking through my depression with me?

Well, I learned that I didn't have to have all the answers because I didn't. I didn't know the answers, but I knew that. I realized that just my presence was helpful to you. And that's something that I could do to help, was just be there to, you know, listen. Not to pull away, but to lean in, to remind you that I'm here for you. I love you. I'm not going anywhere. We're going to get through this together. To pray with you, to just hold you when you need to be held, and to encourage you to get the help that you needed. I mean, I encouraged counseling even though at the time counseling was a financial burden. But it was the best investment, potentially we'd ever made. And to this day, we still advocate counseling. And it's something that's helped us personally. You know, we have if you. Something you could benefit from. We have a counseling partner here through the Naked Marriage podcast. If you go to getfaithful.com nakedmarriage faithful counseling is an online Christian counseling service that I've used personally. It's a great place to go without having to leave your Home, you know, you can do it from anywhere, but get that help that you need. So encouraging each other to get help, encouraging each other with your words, with your actions. It's so important. And again, you don't have to have all the solutions. I know as husbands, sometimes we try to be fixers. We try to just say, well, just do this, and it's going to be better. But with depression, anxiety, they're not things you can just wave a magic wand and fix or create a quick game plan and fix. It's going to be a process. And I understood that more when I fell into it years later. And, you know, mine came on a little bit differently. I went through kind of years of prolonged stress in ministry and parenthood and just dealing with the grind of life and not. Not having kind of healthy margins in place as I was doing it. And finally it all caught up with me, and I was diagnosed with a thyroid disorder, which is hereditary, but it also is onset by stress. And so all at once, my health just started collapsing. It's kind of your body's way of just saying, like, hey, you got to get this together. And through that, you know, my hormones were off, my energy was off, and little by little, we started getting the right medications and lifestyle changes and everything else. And I was doing everything I could to feel better in terms of exercise, sunlight, diet, trying to minimize stress, being on the thyroid medication, doing all of those things that I could do. But I still had this. I mean, really, it was depression, this short fuse, this anger. And Ashley said, you know, you. You might want to consider getting on an antidepressant. And I had pushed back against that because I thought, no, that's not for me. I don't want that. I'm gonna do everything else. But I had done everything else. I'd done counseling, I had done all of it, and I still just couldn't kind of get over that hump. So probably about a year ago, you know, I just asked my doctor, I was like, hey, you know, my. My wife thinks I would benefit from being on an antidepressant. She was on one for a time. And he was like, yeah, no problem. I mean, it was 30 second conversation. And he prescribed me a generic version of Zoloft, which costs like, you know, three bucks a month for a month supply.

It's gone way down since I was on the.

Yeah, it's like super cheap to get the generic. And within a few days of taking it, I felt like a different person. Like, I just. My head was clearer. I felt like Myself. Now, some people have adverse reactions to different medications and you might have to, you know, just try some different things. But for me, you know, that it was a game changer almost right from the start. And after being on it for about six months, I thought, well, I'm gonna just try to wean off of this. And so I kind of weaned off of it. And then very quickly it became apparent that I wasn't, I wasn't ready to get off of it.

Well, first of all, you just decided yourself, which, I mean, you know, your body, but you were like, you know, I need to be off this stuff, and. Which is your prerogative. But I think that it's important to talk to a doctor and also the people who love you and say, like, do you, you know, do you think it's time to get off? Or whatever? And you were, I think you were just like, am I okay now to where I don't need this? And I think that's okay.

Yeah.

And. But it just real quickly that short fuse was back. And I mean, everybody goes through moments of having a short fuse, but this is like a different level. Like, it wasn't even just your temper and it wasn't like he's just like losing it like some dragon or something, but it was like I could just tell anybody, right?

Your spouse knows.

Your spouse knows when you're off, and.

When your spouse tells you that you're off, believe them. I mean, I think that's, that's maybe the big takeaway from this whole episode is your spouse sees your blind spots and Ashley helped me see mine. Like, you know, when you have a prolonged period of just not responding to things the way you normally would, not feeling like you're coping in a healthy way. When your spouse lovingly points that out, just believe them. Believe that they want nothing but good things for you. And when Ashley, she's always been the one to spot my blind spots and, and once she spots them, all of a sudden I realize, wow, she's, she's right.

Well, and it's not just me. That's why you go to a professional who can speak into this, like a therapist or a doctor, and they can say, yes, you are having this. Because, you know, again, I think it's good to listen to your loved ones, but it's good to have, have the multi pronged approach of hearing from your loved ones, the professionals and all those things. And in the midst of all this, I just want to make it really clear that both of us, through our bouts of Anxiety and depression could not have done it without leaning into our faith very hard, like making sure that prayer is central to our life and reading the Bible every day and praying together, praying separately, being part of small group at church, attending, you know, days of pastor, but even just going and being at church things and making sure we're doing our part. And I know for me personally, another thing that really helped was just getting out of myself a bit with helping others. I think sometimes we can get so focused on our own symptoms, which, I mean, of course we need to give it some focus, but then it can become all about that thing that we're fighting instead of like, well, I can still use my time to help someone else. And I think sometimes it makes us realize too, as a depressed person, wow, you know, there's a whole world out there that's dealing with hard stuff. I'm not the only one. And I know with helping the youth in that season when I had it, it was really helpful with your bout with depression. Just different things we do all the time with helping married couples and different things we do at church, it really helps to just have, you know, have some people that you are helping and also being grateful for the good things in your life, for things that are going well, because it's easy to not be grateful and to just get focused on what's not working, which a depressed person tends to do. I mean, we tend to be go to the negative because we don't feel like ourselves. We feel like we're kind of a shell of a person going through that depression. But I know when we could help each other see that, you know, it would. It would really help us get through really hard days. And I know that, you know, with depression, people are coming at it just from all different places for all different reasons. You know, sometimes it's because there's been, like a trauma from your past that you've pushed down, you know, for so many years, and all of a sudden something triggers it and it comes forward and you're like, oh, my gosh, I thought we were just over that. And maybe there's some things you hadn't worked through, or maybe somebody who was out of your life comes back into your life and you're like, well, I thought I didn't have to deal with that person anymore. And all of a sudden I do. And it can send us into these, you know, into having a lot of emotional turmoil and not knowing what to do with it. But the truth of the matter is, we have a God who cares. And who is there for people who are brokenhearted. He is there for people who are down. And he also provides these helpers through doctors, through Christian therapists. And, you know, and I just want to make sure you guys understand we're not pushing pills on you at all. You know, I just look at medicine and supplements and all those things as just some, you know, one of the facets of the multifaceted approach to getting healing from mental illness. And I just want to say this, too. Whenever you do consider going on an antidepressant, you need to make sure and realize that the first. You know, the first script you get and the first one you take, it may not be the one that works for you. In fact, I know people and certain doctors provide tests where they will literally test you. It's a blood test or something that they can. This test will tell you which antidepressants will work for you and your brain chemistry and which ones won't. And I don't know the science behind this, but I think that's brilliant. And I have a family member where she was really struggling with depression, and she went and got this test and realized that the medicine they had her on was, like, one of the medicines that they said, this will not work for you. In fact, you'll probably just have, like, negative side effects. And then she got put on a different one. I think it was like Trentelix or something. And once she started taking Trantellix, she was like, oh, my gosh, now I'm getting the benefits of this. Like I wasn't before. And so we just have to make sure and realize that it's not a quick fix, it's a journey. Yes, it usually takes a lot more time than we realize, but we really need to cling to the positive things that we see. And I also want to just remind people that, you know, with these antidepressants, some people may gain weight with some of them. Sometimes there's sexual side effects. Sometimes, you know, it just. It may. It may, like, increase your symptoms, just depending on your own brain chemistry. So we need to be aware of that. And if you maybe have adverse effects and an antidepressant isn't the right thing for you, there are things like Ashwagandha, which can improve your mood. There's other supplements out there. There's natural things that can, you know, kind of boost your mood. There's something called that I've discovered recently called a tincture. And I know that sounds really weird, the way I'm saying it with my thick accent. But there's a company called Apothecary. It's a woman owned company by someone who has a background in pharmaceuticals. But she wanted to do natural. You know, something natural made from just from like flowers and spices. And I know this sounds like very weird, but I promise you I've actually used this. And there's one and I'm trying to think. I think it's called Take the Edge Off. It's called Take the Edge Off. This is not a sponsor of the podcast, but it's all natural. You can look into it. There's nothing weird in there. And I'm not talking about like cbd. I'm not even gonna like make a stance. I know that there's a place for that for some people and they're healing and that's neither here nor there. This is not a CBD product. This is made from flowers and different spices and things people have used for, you know, centuries. But it's in a tincture which is like either it's like a dropper that you can add to like your water, like lemon water or your carbonated soda. And it basically is something that can. It's calming. Okay. And I think even the one this Take the Edge off has ashwagandha in it. So it's just kind of looking at these natural vitamins, herbs, spices, plants that can help to treat some of those symptoms without having to be on an antidepressant. So you just have to find what works for you.

Absolutely. And just a few final things kind of all add number one. Whether it's you or your spouse, just remember that depression is not a character issue, it's a chemistry issue. It's just you don't have to feel like I've done something wrong or my spouse is done something wrong. It's just the chemistry's off, you know, your serotonin is off. And just like you would take medicine for any other illness or ailment, don't feel bad if medicine is something you need to take for this. But like Ashley said, there's a lot of other options as well, both in lifestyle and supplements and all that. And we've tried all of them. You got to find what works for you. And kind of a final little bit of advice I'll give is when you are depressed, just be really mindful of how you self medicate. I think that there's a lot of temptation when we're feeling down to do things that actually will make it worse, like, you know, looking at pornography or over drinking or overeating or things that in the moment might make it feel like that depression is lifting. But ultimately what it's doing is it's going to leave you in a much darker place, a much lower place. Those things that are not good for you. And so sometimes you have to go against your feelings. Your feelings might be pulling you to do some negative or unhealthy things. And instead you might say, like, you know, I don't feel like going out with friends tonight, but I feel like just hanging out with some people who love me and care about me is what I need. Or I might not feel like going to church, or I might not feel like doing this or that, but that's what I need. I need to, you know, get into God's word. I need to spend some time doing healthy things. And little by little, that. That darkness will lift. And God will use that, the time that you're spending in the valley, to actually draw you closer to Him. The Bible says he's close to the brokenhearted. He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. So even when you can't feel him, know that he is there with you, carrying you through this. And be there for each other as well. We've, you know, from, from experience, we can tell you that God will carry you through it. And, and I'm so thankful to have a spouse who, you know, is there for me and continues to be there for me. I'm. I'm still on an antidepressant, but I'm thankful for, for an amazing spouse and a lot of tools out there and resources that can help help me be at my best. So you do what's going to help you and your spouse be at your best. And I hope this has been helpful to you. Do us a favor, share this episode. This one is one that a lot of people need. It's one that, you know, a lot of folks need even if they themselves are not going through depression. It's something they might go through someday. It's something their spouse might be going through now, or a loved one might be going through now. And we need to have these conversations more often, especially within the Christian community. I think that, you know, the church does an awful lot, right, but we've been slow as a whole to really have honest conversations about mental health. And so share this one.

I totally believe in that, too. And I love that you mentioned that, that it's not a character problem, a chemistry problem, because I do think, you know, probably some of you listening this, listening to this and watching this, maybe you're not Depressed, but you pretty much feel like, you know, you're like, my spouse has these symptoms. I'm pretty sure my spouse is depressed, and it feels sensitive. They're like, what do I do if I think my spouse is depressed? How do I approach them? And I would say you go to them out of concern, out of love, and with the most respect possible, and say, listen. Can you listen to this podcast episode? Dave and Ashley both have been through some of the symptoms that you're experiencing, and they offer some helpful advice that maybe can get a conversation started for us. Because one thing I've learned is that you are not yourself right now. You could say that to your spouse. You're not yourself. And I love you too much to not share this with you. And I want to be here to help you. So can you listen to this and can we talk about this and then really just be there to support? And I think one thing Dave did that, which is I'm just so thankful for when I was going through my anxiety and depression, is he never rushed me. And so we can't rush our spouse and their healing. We can't push them to do, you know, whatever it is that we think they should be doing. But he did. He was always, like, there, you know, to encourage me, which reminded me that I did need to take every day, I needed to take another step forward to make the appointment, to go to the therapist or to read my Bible, or to meditate on a verse or whatever it was. And I think just having that presence and asking every day, just even just, how are you doing today? Not like, hey, did you call the doctor? Gosh, you haven't called the doctor yet? Or, you know, not like that, but just like, hey, how are you today? Or what? What's one thing I could do to take something off your plate today? I think that's kind of the angle we need to approach someone who is depressed because putting more pressure on them is going to backfire. I mean, that's the last thing a depressed person needs in their life. And so hopefully this will lead to a conversation that will be enlightening for you both.

I love it. Guys, thank you so much for being part of this conversation. And just know if you're struggling or your spouse is struggling, you are not alone. God's with you. There's a lot of people who care about you, and we at XO want to be part of your healing journey as well. Thanks so much for tuning in, and we will look forward to seeing you next time.