How Can I Fight For My Marriage?

This time of the podcast, it's time to transition to the Q and A. Thank you. For those who send us questions@nakedmarriagepodcast.com those are the ones that get answered on the air. You can also find us on social media though. For questions off the air, you can find us on Instagram aveandashleywillis or just look up the word marriage on Facebook and we should pop up there. Today's question says this. I have been married for four years and have baby number three on the way. Congratulations. There were many red flags for my husband pre marriage, but he loves God and serves in the church, so I believed the silly notion that everything would work out once we were married. I was wrong. He still smokes and drinks, which has caused havoc on our marriage and finances. He promises to change every time we talk about it, but so far nothing has changed. I am miserable and just want to pack my bags and walk away because it feels like the grass would be so much greener and more peaceful on the other side. How do I keep fighting when I don't want to anymore? Well, it's a great question and congratulations on your baby and that's an exciting time. But I know that when you don't feel safe for whatever reason in your marriage, whether it's safe physically, financially or safe in terms of can I trust the judgment decisions that my husband is making, it can make that time of pregnancy or just life in general more stressful. Again, like all these questions are, you know, they're very nuanced and us not knowing you or your husband or the whole context of the situation, it's hard to answer completely, completely holistically on this. But one thing I would say is that, you know, focus on some things that your husband is doing well, that he is doing right. You know, if we only focus on the things that our spouse is doing that's seems unhealthy or that we don't like, then that's all we're going to notice. And right now for you, it's this issue of he smokes and he drinks. And so if you're only thinking he smokes and he drinks, he smokes and he drinks, then you might not see some of these really good things that he's doing. Like, well, is he a good dad? Is he a good provider? Is he encouraging to you? Is he tender with you? Is he compassionate with you? What are those things that you can praise? Because when we focus on the negative, what happens is it puts a negative tone in our words toward our spouse. And maybe that's all he's feeling right now. Like, oh, my gosh, I'm just, you know, I'm being judged. My marriage isn't a safe place for me because I'm always being criticized. You're feeling like my marriage is in a safe place for me because, you know, he's being irresponsible with his health and with our finances to pursue these other things. So I think for both of you to kind of just put the smoking and drinking issue aside for a moment and say, let's come back together and remind ourselves of what. What drew us to each other in the first place and start celebrating the good in this relationship and remind ourselves we're a team and that we love each other and we're for each other, and then build a plan moving forward where we do have some individual freedoms. We might both, you know, do some things that the other one doesn't necessarily like, whether it's playing video games. Some people write in and say, oh, my husband plays video games. I wish he would just smoke. That'd be less annoying than him playing video games. I don't want to get too far off track, but I think having a more positive mindset is a starting point that's not to just put your head in the sand about these other issues, but just to start by saying, how do I encourage my husband in what he's doing right, instead of always being quick to point out what I feel like he's doing wrong? And I think that could be a good starting point.

Absolutely. Because the more he knows that you are for him and you're not against him, the better. Because I do think that smoking and drinking is definitely something to address, because not only is it unhealthy and. And I believe that this is not like him just having a beer. It sounds like he's spending a lot of money on smoking and drinking, and it's affecting their finances and probably his behavior, because she used the word havoc. And so I feel like, you know, maybe he's angry or he's maybe out of control and not necessarily treating her right when he is smoking and drinking.

That's a whole different issue.

I mean, I don't want to make light of this at all, because I can tell that she's hurting and she's fed up and probably rightfully so. You know, I understand that you feel like you're just kind of like, how, you know, I've told you how I feel about this. Why do you keep doing this? I do think what Dave is Saying is right. If you could just encourage him in what he's doing, right? And then as you kind of see him realizing that you are for him, that's when you can just level with him and say, listen, not only is this. You're taking money and doing these things that ultimately are harming you and harming our marriage, but it just. I feel like you're not you when you do this. And I miss you. Like, I miss you. And I love how you are when you are going to church and you are serving in the church, and I love that you're a godly man. But I feel like that really the enemy's gonna use this ultimately and is trying to use this to bring separation to us and our family and to bring chaos to our family. And I wanna have peace. And, you know, I wanna help you. How can I help you when you come from that position of what can I do to help you? Is there anything I'm doing or not doing that is causing you to wanna go smoke and drink? And I'm not saying that there is anything legitimate that would cause that, but. But maybe it would open that door for him to express how he's feeling. Maybe he's having stress at work and this is how he's coping in an unhealthy way. Or maybe there's something really that he hasn't told you that's kind of going on in his mind and heart that he needs to really get off his chest. And that way it'll really get you guys to open up and have that naked marriage we talk about. And I know these are hard things, and this is. You know, there's a lot more layers to this than we can answer in just a short amount of time. So I would encourage you also to maybe contact one of our marriage coaches. And you can do that by going to xomarriage.com coaches and they're amazing. Even if he's not ready to talk to them yet, you can talk to them by yourself. And I just think that they could give you a lot of encouragement. They could pray for you, and they could also help you to come up with some good next steps. But just know that we're going to be praying for you and for your husband, and we really appreciate your vulnerability in writing this question.

Yeah, great question. And if you feel that your husband is really crossed over from this just being kind of a habit that's a nuisance to being an outright addiction, or if you're listening to this wherever you are and you or your spouse is dealing with addiction. I encourage you to go back and listen to the episode that aired just a couple months ago where we interviewed Dr. Jack D. Bruckert, who's an addiction specialist and counselor. And he had some great insights he did on how to break free from addiction and also how to help a spouse who was caught in addiction. And so check that out as a resource. Again, the coaches that Ashley mentioned as well would be another great resource. But thank you for that important question. Question. Thank you for listening to this episode, and we will look forward to seeing you next time on the Naked Marriage Podcast.