How Should We Grieve a Miscarriage Together in Marriage? | The Naked Marriage Podcast Q&A

All right, so we're going to pivot to today's question, and every. Every episode, we end with a question that you guys write us. And we want to thank you for writing in these questions. You guys write Ashley and me on social media all the time. We're Ave and AshleyWillis. On Instagram, on Facebook, you can find us. And we love getting your questions. It actually helps shape entire episodes that we do and book content and all these things. The questions that get answered on the podcast are the ones submitted to nakedmarriagepodcast.com so feel free to go there and send us a question. I'm going to read today's question, and then I'm going to step back and let these two brilliant ladies here dive in, because both their brains work faster than mine. And while they're talking, I might think of something to say, but it won't be as smart as what they say. So here we go. Thirteen years ago, I had a miscarriage while trying to have our first baby. I was devastated, and I still find myself coming undone all these years later when the anniversary of losing him is upon me. I've suffered in silence for most of our marriage, but this year, I told my husband why I get depressed at the same time every year. I thought telling my husband would bring us closer together, but it didn't really seem to do anything. We've had seven children since, and it makes me feel so ungrateful for what the Lord has given us. But I can't seem to move past this. How can I help my husband see what our baby meant to me so we can grieve our loss together. And thank you for that very honest, very vulnerable question that I know speaks to the heart of so many. There's so many people that have written us specifically around this area of miscarriage. We did a whole episode with our friends at George and Barclay Lyles on this topic that it's powerful as they kind of shared some of their own experience with that. And so many folks in that situation seem to feel what she seems to be feeling, which is an isolation that they're hurting in isolation, and they don't know a healthy way to kind of grieve together within their marriage. So, ladies, what would you say to this woman and to others like her who are feeling this kind of pain?

You know, my first thought is this is a trauma she hasn't dealt with. And so that's why I'm so glad you're here, because I know you can speak directly to this. I mean, it's one of those things where if you, you know, seven children later, this is still a stumbling block. And I think that her husband, I'm sure he cares just as much as she does. But, you know, it can. We show in different ways, especially men and women, the differences and how we cope with things. But, you know, it's clearly a stumbling block that she has not healed from. So what would you say?

Well, I think one of the things that we fail to do as people overall and specifically to her, I'm just sorry. You know, I feel like we just don't. We don't grieve negative realities, and we really don't grieve at all. Like. And a negative reality doesn't always have to be a miscarriage. I know this is a really serious one. And it's just awful, terrible. It's traumatic. You're right. It's a trauma. But we don't stop and grieve. Like, we don't stop in the moment and say, I need to be in my emotions, in my body, and feel sad right now, feel angry right now, feel frustrated. And I think what we want to do, because everyone else in our world wants us to hurry up and be okay. Are you okay? Oh, you're good now? Okay, we can all be good now. Cause it's really about them. It's not about you. So I need you to hurry up and be done with this so that I can get you back to quote, unquote, normal and we can move on. And so I think it sounds like she got stuck there. You know, that that is a big deal. You had a death.

Absolutely.

Of a person that you were hoping you would raise. That's a big deal. And so to stop. And I think letting her husband know. Okay, so with seven kids, he's probably like, wow, like a little overwhelmed and maybe needs to get in touch with his emotions. Cause obviously, you know, and probably talked about this many times, but men and women are different emotionally. How they express emotion, it doesn't. Not one's right, not one's wrong. It just is how we're created. And so I think the way she might feel every year when it comes around is different. He might have his come out a different way. But letting him know, hey, I want to get over this. Cause that's what I think. Think I'm hearing her say is not over it. Cause grief is a journey. It's not a destination. You don't arrive somewhere you might be 10 years down the road and cry and have a memory. It's okay, that's what it's supposed to be. That's part of life. But I think letting him know, hey, I don't like how much this is affecting me every year and I wanna do something about it. And letting him know that that's why you're bringing it up, is that you want to have every year be a little bit better for you. Maybe you still grieve, but you're not gonna feel like you go into a sleep or a funk that feels so debilitating to you.

Yeah. And I hear her saying too, that she wants to share. She feels like she's grieved alone, a loss that they both have shared. And so even though she's not expressed how she's felt, maybe completely to him, she may be, and maybe I'm reading into this, harbors even a little bit of resentment toward him for outwardly not seeming to care in the same way that she cares or grieving the same way that she cares. And we know grief looks different on everyone. It's like a fingerprint. And so we can't always expect someone else to process the same loss in the same way. But how would you advise this couple to find just some unity so that sharing and carrying this burden together, processing this grief together, would be something that would draw them closer together instead of being a wedge issue that. That drives them potentially further apart?

I think I go back to the communication piece again because I wonder if she said to him, hey, it's hard for me that you don't grieve it in a way that I can see visually. Maybe she just needs to say something that blatant of like, hey, I'm trying to understand. I know you're compassionate and kind. Obviously I've had seven children with you, so I love you, but I just don't feel. Feel that when it comes to this topic. Can you tell me, is there something. Is it hard for you? Like, I would love to see some vulnerability in this area when it comes so I can know where you are, so I can share where I am. So I think that's one thing. I think he would probably. I don't know. I don't know this guy. I mean, I don't know these people individually, but I would say he's probably would be so crushed to hear that she felt alone. Most guys don't. Or girls, women or men, either one. They don't realize how they're making their spouse feel. Cause the spouse doesn't tell em.

Right.

So I don't think. I think it's a heartless thing. It's probably. I'm not aware. Oh, my gosh, I've been making you feel like you've had to grieve alone. I would never want to do that to you.

Right.

And I think, you know, from that description, again, we don't know all the details, so it's hard to know exactly what's going on and how it was perceived on both ends. But I think that when she told him, she was expecting there to be some kind of epiphany and crossroads, and maybe he didn't respond in the way that she was hoping. And I love how earlier throughout this podcast, you know, you've talked about working through, like, what are my expectations? And, you know, what do I hope to come from this conversation? And I think that it didn't meet her expectations. But even going back to him and saying, listen, I am sorry I put certain expectations on you and how you would respond to me sharing why I get so sad around this time of year. But what I'm really hoping to see from you is just that we acknowledge the existence of our son that we lost and that you miss him, too. You know, I think sometimes, just even it doesn't have to be a lot of words and beautiful language in the way that we say things, but just acknowledging, yes, we lost a son and I miss him, too. And just knowing, again, like, we've talked about this whole podcast being in each other's corner and, you know, the husband, if he's listening, which I hope he is, or any husband who's walking through this, you know, just acknowledging, yes, we had a loss, we're all processing it differently, but this is a human being that we lost in our family, and we are grieving his loss. You know, we acknowledge his existence. And maybe even, you know, I know couples who've lost children around that time of year, that month or whenever it happened, they may have a time where they just. They do cry together or they do pray together or something to say, you know, this is sad for us because we lost this child. We're not gonna let it dictate our life and keep us from our other children or from having the marriage that God wants us to have. But we just wanna acknowledge, you know, that this is hard, just like what Cassie was saying earlier, acknowledge those feelings. And I think that that can go a long way and. And, you know, but I think just like with grief, Dave always says grief is a fingerprint. And I love that because it's so different on each person. You know, we have to acknowledge that just because our spouse doesn't cry as much or doesn't, you know, isn't stumbling as much, it doesn't mean it didn't matter to them. It just means that they're processing it a little bit differently and we need to be really careful. The expectations we put on them.

So good. Gosh, so good. Thank you for that question. And yeah, for anyone in that situation, our prayers are with you. If it would help you to talk to somebody in this situation or any situation, reach out to a counselor. Like we talked about through this whole episode, having a good counselor, a good therapist can be so, so incredibly helpful in your healing process. We also have coaches here at XO who do a wonderful job of listening, of praying, of giving practical solutions, minded steps to help you move forward in the right direction. You can contact our coaches@xomarriage.com coaches and.

Some of them are King's graduates.

How about that? We've got some Full Circle Awesome TKU alum. TKU alum on our coaching staff.

I love it.

Dr. Reed, thank you for sharing your wit and wisdom with us. It's really, it's been such an impact to us and I'm sure to all who have listened. So before we wrap up, how can folks find you if they, if they need more Dr. Cassie Reed in their life? Like, where would you like the floor is yours to have to find me?

Well, you can most definitely find me at the Kings University. So at TKU Edu, if you search under the faculty, I'm there and so you can find an email address for me there. If you want any more information about the King's University, I also do some work. I have a company called Church Rehab. So I work with people who've been spiritually abused. But I also work with folks who with other issues too, marriages and kids. I've been in practice for over 10 years, but I'm kind of morphing and changing it into the Church Rehab company. So it's kind of like rehab. You go to rehab for alcohol, sometimes you need to go to rehab for church wounds. So it's the same thing. So yeah. So intensives and I do some retreats coming up in 2021 and so yeah, you can find me there.

It's ChurchRehab co. ChurchRehab co. So check that out. Such important work you're doing. Thank you. And we thank you again for being here and we than all of you for watching and listening and being part of this online community and do us a favor and share this. This was an important conversation that we just had with Dr. Reed, and so folks will benefit from hearing it. And so text your friends or post this online. Let them know. You can also leave a review of this podcast and subscribe to this podcast wherever you're listening. And by doing that, it helps others discover it as well. So thanks again. We'll see you next. Sam.