A wife wants to move closer to her parents after two years near her husband's family, but he shuts down the conversation. Dave and Ashley Willis discuss how to handle disagreements about major life decisions, including finding compromise locations and when to bring in a counselor.
Questions this video answers
Two years.
About half a mile for the last two years.
January 7, 2021.
Chapters
All right, it is time for this week's question. Thank you. For those who send in questions again, you can write us on social media, Ave and Ashley Willis on Instagram, or you can find us on Facebook. But the questions we answer here on the podcast are the ones that are sent to nakedmarriagepodcast.com so you can send us a question, my love. Would you like to read it? Or we could. Sure. Yes.
All right. It says, my husband and I have been married for two years. When we got married, we said we would live by his parents for a little bit and then move toward mine, meaning her parents, a few years down the road. I told him I wanted to be near my mom and when we were ready to have kids because I wanted her to help and it wouldn't be fair if we were only near his family. And then in parentheses, she says, we have lived about half a mile from his parents for the last two years. Every time I bring up moving, he gets angry and changes the subject. We've talked about this before.
Get.
And I don't think his response is fair. This is causing issues whenever we talk about having kids or buying a house. What can we do? Or what can I do?
Yeah, no, this is a great question and it's nuanced. There's a lot of layers and complexity to it because it's built on trust, it's built on keeping promises, it's built on your shared vision for the future. It's also impacted by the different visions you have for your future, the different preferences you have, and how life changes over time. And sometimes what we say that we're going to do, what our long term plan is, then life just sort of changes things or changes our own thoughts and we end up doing something else. We're certainly not where we thought we would be, you know, 20 years ago. So there's a lot going on here. And before we kind of like answer this directly, you know, I'll just say this. I think that living near family can be such a gift, but it also can create. It can have the potential to create a lot of dynamics that are potentially unhealthy for a marriage. And in our situation, our own marriage, just to start with, our experience, we started out in the same town where both of our parents lived. And there was some benefit to that, being able to see each other and the familiarity and comfort that came from that. But I'm telling you, our marriage and our family unit, it really took off and went to the next level of health. When God opened the door for us to have a ministry career opportunity away from our hometown, which was a big step of faith. And our parents were. You know, they hated to see us go. They didn't understand why we were leaving, but we just felt led to do it. And it was once we got away and could really focus on each other without constantly looking to her parents or mine to kind of go to be our social network or to bail us out or to babysit or whatever it might be. And we had to figure this out on our own, that I believe as much as we love our parents, and I believe we're closer to both sets of family as we right now than we were when we lived in the same town as them. But it's helped us a lot. I'm not saying every person has to move away from their parents, but I do think, even if it's in the short term, every couple could benefit from some time away from both sets of parents where they can really. They can unite as a couple and they can forge that bond.
Because, you know, it does. You know, it puts kind of each spouse kind of in a unique position. Because I think we feel pressure from both parents just because they love us. It's not. I don't think any parents are like, oh, I just wanna cause marital strife for my children. I think they truly, you know, love their kids. We love our children. We hope that they stay close because we wanna see them a lot. And that's a wonderful thing. But what really happens is, you know, I think the husband in this situation, he's not really saying a lot because I'm sure his parents are like, well, you've lived here. Don't move. You don't need to do that. You know, you're already pretty settled. Why can't you just stay here? I mean, her parents aren't that far away. You know, I'm sure it's those kind of conversations. And he feels torn because he's like, you know, I'm hearing all this from my mom and dad, and then my wife's unhappy. But again, we talk about this all the time on the podcast. Once we marry, our first loyalty belongs to our spouse. It no longer belongs to our parents. You know, it's God first, then our husband or wife than our children, and then everyone else. And so we really have to make sure we have kind of our priorities straight. And I know that can be really difficult when you're feeling pressure from your parents, because of course, we wanna love and honor our parents, but loving and honoring them, once we're Married is so different than when we are in their home, you know, under their roof. And it has to be, you know, what we do needs to be the best thing for our family unit. And so in this situation, I know they don't have kids yet, so they're trying to prepare for when they have children. I would first ask you, is there a way? She didn't really say how far her parents are from his parents, but if there's some way to be somewhere in the middle there, that would probably be ideal because it would give them that little bit of space and it wouldn't be this kind of struggle of, well, you know, we're a half mile from his parents, but we're like 20 miles from mine, you know. And I know that may not necessarily work with your work situation, but I would look at that and I would also, you know, like Dave said, consider. Don't kind of not consider moving away for a little bit. I think that that could do you a lot of good. I think a lot of times people won't consider different job opportun or different things that maybe God's putting on their heart because they're scared of what it's gonna look like without being close to mom and dad. But I'm telling you, it's awesome what God will do in a couple's life and really helping them to leave and cleave like it says in the word, you know, when they're willing to step out. And I know not everybody's called to that. We know plenty of really amazing, healthy couples that have lived really close to their parents most of their life. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. And it's great to be able to go to your grandparents and to, you know, once you have children, for the children to go see their grandparents and. And to have that wonderful relationship. So I understand that, you know, moving away can cause some other kind of logistical things that you have to kind of work around. But I just wanna encourage you to realize that, you guys, you're gonna win together, you're gonna lose together. And the way you win together in this situation is deciding together what's best for you, not what's best for your parents, but what's best for you as a couple. And really for the wife who wrote this question, really sharing your heart with your husband and saying, listen, this is why I wanna be a little closer to my mom. I don't wanna feel like I'm having to fight, you know, for your time and attention, you know, with your parents. I don't wanna feel like we're giving your parents more attention than my parents. And so what can it look like to where we both feel like we're winning here and we both feel like we're being heard. And I think when you start there and you don't point fingers and you really try to listen to each other and also share with each other, you're gonna be on a better path because right now, I can tell it's causing some resentment and frustration.
Yeah, that's great advice. And if it would help you, and I think that it would, to talk through this issue with a counselor or with one of our coaches who could do it via phone or Skype, just to be an impartial third person, that mediator, to kind of help you both find common ground. Because don't let this issue be the sticking point that's gonna create division in your marriage. Talk through it, work through it. And by working through it together, whatever the solution is, your marriage will come out stronger on the other side. You can get a hold of our coaches by going to marriage today.com coaches and again, the site for the book that's coming out that's based on this whole podcast season we're doing is nakedandhealthy.com Guys, thanks so much for listening. I hope your 2021 is off to a great start. Great things are to come, and we look forward to seeing you next week. Bye. Bye.
