How To Teach Your Kids To Get Along | Parenting Uncovered | Dave & Ashley Willis

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Hey, friends. Welcome to Parenting Uncovered. We've got a great conversation today as we're continuing in our series about important lessons to teach our kids. And today it's all about teaching our kids to get along with siblings. And even if your child happens to be an only child, stick around, because I think a lot of these principles will help your child get along with the relationships in their lives with friends, with peers. And those same principles will help your child someday get along with the future spouse. So these are important lessons, but specifically within the context of family. Siblings, step siblings, they're complicated relationships, right, because these are the people who are most likely to be close to you your whole life, but they're also the people you're most likely to fight with your whole life. And it starts from a young age, and we know what it's like to be referees for four rowdy boys. I had two brothers, and we. Gosh, so many stories. So we're gonna share some fun stories. We're gonna share some scriptures and some principles that will hopefully make these lessons meaningful for your child.

And be sure you stay till the end, because, of course, as always, we have a dad joke and a fascinating fact. So we're excited about that. All right. I would say, man, when. When we were talking about, like, different things to talk about, we. We had to talk about, you know, how to get. How to help your kids get along, because that has been something that, with our first two boys in particular, was very hard. And they would tell you this, like, we're not sharing. Whenever we share anything about our kids, we've either already asked them or we know it's something that they readily talk about. So just. Just know that we're very, you know, protective of them. But they. This is something where there were times where no matter how hard we tried or how many consequences they had, I just thought, I don't know if they're ever gonna get along. Because a lot of times, what happens, especially when you have kids very close in age. Like, for us, we had our first two almost exactly two years apart. That's. Cooper and Connor are their names. And I remember. I assumed because they're closer in age, that they would have more in common because they're nearly the same age, and that they would be able to share friends and. And share toys and all that kind of stuff. And in fact, they shared a room for many years. And I just assumed that they, you know, they would have little spats, but they would really get along naturally. But what I did not take into account Is how just because two kids are born, you know, close in age, like, are born near each other as far as their birthdays, it doesn't mean that they're going to be very similar. And because for our first two, even though they're both boys, they are so different in so many ways. Right, sweetie?

Yes.

I mean, their personalities are just night and day. I mean, I don't.

It was oil and water those first years.

It really was like. So our firstborn is very, very typical firstborn. Very, very driven. You know, he wasn't necessarily high energy, but kind of an old soul. Really likes things. He's very particular. Very particular, very ordered, very critical in the sense of things just need to be done a certain way. Things just need to be done right. And so that's Cooper. So then we have Connor, who's our second born.

And.

And he is literally chill. As chill as they come.

Yeah, he was born a hippie. I think he really was. He was chill.

But on the other side of that, he also has adhd.

Right? Yeah. So he's. And brilliant kid. So creative, so sweet, kind, strong, a.

Pleaser by nature, but yeah, like pleaser.

Laid back, you know, but not particular. Also would, like, love to mess with Cooper because Cooper was so tightly wound, so high strung that in those early years, man, they just fought all the time. They were always at each other to the point where my parents, who would watch him some, they just said like, listen, we can't watch them at the same time.

They literally did, you guys, I'm not even joking.

We'll watch one of them at a time. But we can't watch them together because we never.

His dad's words too much. No, I'm going to quote your dad. And we laugh about this now. We did not laugh about this then, but his parents so graciously. And I want to say the boys were probably at that time, gosh, I mean, maybe three and five or something, and. And they graciously watched them for a few days so we could get away. And I remember we came back from that trip, so. Needed that trip. By the way, like, we highly recommend if parents can get away once a year. It's awesome. And I remember we came back and your parents were so sweet, but your dad took you aside and literally all he said was, never again. I love your kids.

I'm not doing this anymore.

Never again. And I, you know, as a parent, it literally, though, I mean, I laughed. Cause I, you know, what are you supposed to do when you say that? I'm thinking what happened? And he's like, they just argued the whole time, no matter what we did. And he's like, never again. And I remember feeling so defeated because I'm like, my kids are just messed up and I've messed them up. I'm not doing something right. And I remember talking to friends about this and reading books about this. At the time, we didn't even have. Podcasting was not a thing back in the early 2000s.

And so feels like the late 1800s at this point. It was a while back.

I know it was a while back, but I remember just feeling so defeated, but making it like we were like, we're going to make it our mission and to help our kids get along. And I'll be honest with you all. I mean, they lost privileges. I mean, if they were not kind to each other. We talked about respect a few episodes ago. We did all those same principles. You cannot be unkind to your brother. You can't take his things. You need to ask for permission. You have to figure. I mean, we got to the point too, where at a certain age we're like, you can figure this out. Like, you're not coming out of this room until you come up with a solution. And that helps some. I remember I tried years ago, they had the method of having. Have them hug it out. Like, literally have them hug for a minute long.

Like, seriously, they hated it. They would just hold and scream.

They'd hug and they'd be like, the other one was, I don't like this.

Burning them. They were hugging fire. But I'm telling you now, they're close.

They get along so much.

So fast forward, you know, there's a lot that happened in between that we don't have, like, full time to cover. But they really mellowed out and learned to appreciate and respect each other. And I think some of it, I mean, I can't take credit. We can't take credit.

Well, God, lots of prayer.

Lots of prayer.

Lots and lots of prayer.

And I think continuing, though, to redirect them to see the good in each other, to kind of force them in situations where they had to rely on each other, work together, play together, but not compete. But, yeah, not compete. Not to ever make him feel like, well, why aren't you more like your brother in this way? Or he does this better. Never, ever make it a competition, because God designs each child so unique and. And if you start making kids feel like they have to compete against each other for your affection or praise, that is going to create a toxic environment. So celebrate each child for who they are, and we try to help them realize, listen, God made you with so many different, wonderful strengths, but you two are brothers. You're always going to be brothers. You know, this is a gift. When God gives you a sibling, it is a gift. And as they grew, they really, really got closer. And now with our younger two, because we've got the bigs and the littles.

We call them bigs and the littles.

Yeah, the younger two kind of went through some of that, you know, not.

To the extent of.

Not the ext.

But they did a little bit of it.

Yes. But they chilled out faster. A lot of it's just a personality mix. So our younger two, they're very different as well, but they find stuff that they enjoy. They'll watch the same silly YouTube videos, they'll play video games together, and they'll find some things that they enjoy. And I think that putting your kids in situations where they have to learn to appreciate each other and cheer each other on and work together, I think that's part of it. And then to celebrate, listen, you're different. But let's not criticize your sibling just because they're different than you. This is great training, too, for when your kids grow up and marry somebody, because really, teaching a child to respect a sibling is the best training you can give them for growing up one day and respecting a spouse. Yes, because again, you're going to be in close proximity with this person. You're going to have to get along. It's different in a lot of ways, obviously, but it is really good training, I think, to learn to be able to respect and appreciate a spouse. The Bible has a lot of stories, a lot of illustrations of both good examples and bad examples of sibling dynamics. The first siblings in the Bible, Cain and Abel, ended in murder. Like the very first siblings. Cain murdered his brother Abel out of jealousy. Right. And so right from the start, we see that just in our sinful human nature, there's this jealousy that can creep into sibling relationships. And we have to really work against that by, I think, as parents, doing our part to help each child feel like that they can excel and be who God made them to be. In the New Testament, you've got a bunch of examples, I think, of sisters, Mary and Martha and their brother Lazarus. Some of Jesus, very best friends. He was really close to these three. He loved all three of them. Three very different personalities. One time, Mary and Martha were having a disagreement because Jesus was coming. Martha was doing all the work, and Martha said Jesus, make my sister help. She's being lazy. I'm doing all the chores, you know, just like we were growing up. I was doing everything, and I'm doing all the work and she's just sitting at your feet, just listening to what you have to say and enjoying it. But I'm the one having to make the snacks and all this stuff. And Jesus, he didn't, he didn't come down hard on Martha because he's the one who made her to be an achiever and a hard worker.

Yeah, she gets stuff done.

And that's a gift. I mean, the world. Like, I'm thankful for the Marthas in the world. We need the Martha's. I think I'm more of a Martha, you know, an achiever. But he. Every time, every gift that we have can have a dark side if we let it. And the dark side of being an achiever, task driven, is that sometimes you miss out on the relational part, which is really what's most important. And. And so Jesus pulled her aside and he said, listen, Martha, you're so worried. You're so stressed. And in this situation, you know, Mary, she's chosen what's more important, which is that relational part, to spend that time with me.

He's like, I'm not going to be here in the flesh always.

And so this is a time where you can learn from her. Now, there are other times, I'm sure, where Mary could learn from Martha. You need to work harder, you need to do more chores, but we can learn from each other's differences and celebrate that. And that gentle interaction of Jesus was, I think, just a wonderful example of kind of helping us see the bigger picture and helping us appreciate some of the differences that our siblings might have.

It's such a good story. I actually have a friend for those of you who maybe are trying to understand these differences. I have a friend named Katie. I'm blanking on her last. Katie Reed. Katie Reed wrote a book, I was going to say, what's your last name? Katie Reed wrote a book called Made Like Martha Years Ago. Yeah, Highly recommend the book. It's so good. I even think. I don't know if the podcast is still going, but you can look back at older episodes where, where I think it's called the Mary and Martha podcast, but it talks about these differences. So if you have kids that are maybe in that dynamic of being so different, you can learn a lot from that book and that podcast. So check that out. I wanted to say this too. It just made me think about Cooper and Connor in particular, who both great. Like, all of our kids, they're wonderful kids. Like, they all have such great qualities. I'm so proud of each one of them. I really am. I know you are too, sweetie. Like, we're so proud of you.

I love our boys. Guys, if you're listening, we love you. You're awesome.

We pinch ourselves that we have these boys. And none of us are perfect in our family at all. But we just feel like, you know, God, like, we hit the jackpot with our kids. We love our kids.

On the way to school, when I'm praying for, like, the little ones now, and I take Chandler to school first and then shadam. When I'm praying, like, lord, give him a good day. Like, almost every day, I try to include Lord, thank you for letting me be Chandler's dad. I love being his dad and he's awesome. Thanks for letting me be Chatham's dad. He's awesome. I love him so much. And I want them to hear that. I'm so thankful for that because I am.

And they're beautifully unique. And I remember, especially with Cooper and Connor, and I remember so much of this because it was such a struggle and it's still fresh in my mind. But again, both of them have wonderful qualities, but very different. And I remember, you know, Cooper, just to give you more insight into him, he is very well spoken. He's really. He is so driven that everything he does, he tries to do it at a high level. And so in school, you know, he's in the gifted. He was in the gifted program all through school. He made excellent grades. He got into his number one university and go Bulldogs. And so he's, like, so excited to be at the University of Georgia and, like, just extremely driven. He was a competitive gymnast. That wasn't easy for him, but he kept working at it and eventually got a gold medal in trampoline and tumbling, which was the type of gymnastics he did. And so, like, this is kind of his road. And I remember Connor kind of as he was growing up, he just held Cooper even though they didn't get along a lot because of their personality differences. He held him on a pedestal. Wouldn't you say, sweetie?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, it was like, you know, I could never achieve the things of Cooper. Like, and I think deep in. Kind of like in the back of his mind, he in his mind thought, well, I'll never be as smart as Cooper. And even one time I heard him say this because he was like, he makes good grades too, but, like, he, you know, I think he was struggling in one class that Cooper happened to do really well in, and he made that little comment and I was very quick to say, listen, first of all, this isn't a comparison game here. It's not a contest. Like, you all are so beautifully.

But they're both amazingly gifted.

Amazingly gifted. You know, Connor was never officially in the gifted program, but he is literally one of the most creative people I've ever known. And he's one of those that has, I believe, personally, I know we said he has adhd. I believe that's a superpower, personally. And I'm pretty sure you have it. Like we were talking about this.

Yeah.

Because it was undiagnosed.

So easily distracted.

But can hyper focus on things you are the most. I mean, you get it done like, you really do. And Connor, when he's passionate about something and he can hyper focus on it, and he will, I mean, he'll come up with the most, like, solutions to things that I would never even consider. And so I try to, you know, instead of him thinking, like, I just need to be more like Cooper, I'm like, no, no, no, you. I mean, there's things you can learn from Cooper 100%, his drive and his willingness to. Like, for example, years ago, Cooper was like, at a point in his life where he thought, I'm a little chubby. I don't really like where I am physically. I'm not going to just sit back and not do anything, so I'm going to find things I can do to get in shape. And so he got on a fitness app, basically, that tracked his calories and his macros and things. And then he decided to get a gym membership. And he went to the gym and he had, like this regimen that he would follow, and he lost, like 30 pounds and gained all this muscle. And Connor really looked up to him for that. And then he actually followed suit and decide, you know, ask us. Came to us one day and said, can I get a trainer? Because I don't know. Cooper knows how to do this stuff because of gymnastics and his training in his past, but I don't. So can I have a trainer?

Went after it. And I think Cooper kind of inspired him. Inspired him, yes. And so now they have that in common. They can talk about fitness and lifting. And it's just so neat watching them connect on that and encourage each other in that and cheer each other on in that.

And it's not a bad. Like, if they have any competitive nature, it's just like what can you lift? But they'll spot each other and they'll challenge each other. But it's not, you know, we're very, as a family, we just don't, we want to make each other better. We don't want to make each other resentful and feel like we're in competition. And so we've always been really quick to point out each of our kids strengths and you know that. And that's something we've seen modeled in other families too and we've read in books. So I just, I would say one of the best things we can do is just not pit them against each other. Like, well, your brother always listens to me and does it first and you don't. Or your sister, you know, she makes great grades. What's wrong with you? Why can't you make A's? Like, I mean that kind of stuff is so hurtful. I mean it's just so hurtful. And I even, I don't know if I told you this, but my mom recently, she had spent some time. Our boys go to Kentucky in the summer for about a week and they get to see both of their grandparents. And my mom at the end of that week, she said, she goes, listen, I remember how much Cooper and Connor didn't get along. But she said, I so admired because they get along so much now. And she was just, she was like saying, isn't that such a blessing that they get along so well? And I was like, yes, I love it. And she said, but she goes, I remember all those years ago when they would name call or they would, you know, say something hurtful. She said, you all shut that down. She said, I grew up in a family, she loves her family dearly. But she said, in my family, my parents never shut that down. And my siblings have said things to me that I had, I could never get out of my mind. And she said like about her appearance or about her performance and she said, or her weight. Her weight really, it really got her. There were some very hurtful things. And I mean, I think years later, hopefully her siblings apologized. But we need to realize as parents how much those words and actions really stick with us. Coming from our siblings especially. I mean they're supposed to be, you know, there are built in friends and yes, of course we're in close proximity. We're going to have, you know, fights and stuff. But I just remember my mom saying that because she said she's like, you know, keep doing that because those words stick. And she's like, and I Just wish she's like, I had the best parents, but I just wish they had intervened in a lot of those moments that would have helped me as a younger child.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

And, yeah, that's a good challenge for us, even thinking now. Like, sometimes it's easier to just let stuff go. It's like, ah, they'll work it out.

But sometimes they need to. If they're a little older, but they.

Need to know certain things are just off limits. Like, we are not going to insult each other. Like, you can disagree. You can. You can disagree, but we're gonna. We're gonna fight for unity in this family.

We're kind.

We're gonna be. Ephesians 4:32. Be kind and compassionate to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. So we're gonna be kind, we're gonna be compassionate, and we're gonna be forgiving when we are, you know, wronged, and we're gonna seek forgiveness when we were the ones who are doing the wronging. And that's not just for the siblings. I think parents, we need to do that. We need to be quick to apologize. We need to. They need to see that in us. We model that. The way you treat your spouse, the way you treat the kids, like you're showing the kids how they should treat each other. And so make sure that you're setting an example that you want them to follow. And when you're not, then own it and apologize. And that will go such a long way. Guys, it's been a great conversation, but we're not done yet because my favorite time of the episode is upon us. Dad joke with Dave, Fascinating fact with Ashley.

Yep.

Who's gonna go first?

Why don't you go first? Well, did you go first last time? I'll go first today.

Go for it.

All right, this is again this week. It's from SmithsonianMag.com that's kind of hard to say sometimes. And it's entitled. Moms may be more vulnerable to tooth decay. And I'll tell you why. I wanted to share this in just a minute. It says the old wives were onto something when they warned, quote, gain a child and lose a tooth. Women who have had three children forfeit four chompers more than those who have had two kids or fewer. Women whose first two children are the same sex and who then go on to have a third child are particularly at risk.

Uh oh, you're teaching me problems.

I know.

You're a Kentucky girl.

After all, I am Problems with gum disease and calcium absorption in pregnancy may leave moms more vulnerable. And it says. And so. So might all of these missed dental appointments see, because we, you know, we're going to the rob appointments and our kids appointments, and we'll miss our dental appointments. And it says, so we need to go do those, which might be a particular problem for mothers juggling multiple kids. And I'm sharing this with you because years ago, after I'd had multiple kids of the same sex. Okay. I remember I went to finally get my teeth cleaned. You know, it'd probably been a year or two or something. And I was like, oh, I'm overdue. I went to get my teeth cleaned, and I had this dental hygienist literally, like, say, okay, you have a cavity. And I had never, up to that point, had a cavity at all. And I hadn't changed anything I was doing in my dental hygiene routine. I always. I feel like I have good dental hygiene. And I looked at her and I said, oh, I have heard, because I'd heard this somewhere else, that sometimes, you know, the calcium absorption and different things leave. The lacking in calcium absorption can leave mothers, you know, especially who've just had babies, at risk of getting cavities. And she looked me square in the face, and by her opinion, she looked me square in the face and said, no, you've just been having bad dental hygiene. And I.

You should have to pay me extra for what I just endured in your filthy mouth.

I guess. I know, but I was like, okay. But I just want to say. And then I find this, you know, SmithsonianMag.com article, and I'm like, well, maybe there is something to this. So I'd love to hear from you moms. Have you had this experience where you've had maybe some dental issues post kids? I don't know.

It's fascinating.

Yeah, it is fascinating.

You are just. You're so fascinating. Well, I'm gonna go. I feel like I need to floss.

I know. Extra hygiene, right?

Yeah, extra hygiene.

Get the rinse. Get the really good toothpaste.

Yeah, yeah. So I'm thinking about that now. All right, dad joke. What do you call a bald wizard?

I don't know. What do you call a bald wizard?

An Unharry Potter.

But I love it.

Oh, it's so dumb. I love it.

It's great.

It's great, Guys. Hey, thanks so much for tuning in. Do us a favor. Connect with us on Instagram. We're aveandashleywillis. We would love to hear from you there. Send us a message. Let us know what topics you'd like to see addressed here on the Parenting Uncovered podcast or on our Naked Marriage podcast as well. Send us your questions, your ideas. We just love hearing from you guys. Thank you so much for tuning in. God bless. We'll see you next time.