A listener says her marriage has friendship and sex but no romance. Dave and Ashley Willis suggest reframing requests for connection, doing side-by-side activities to help partners open up, and praising specific behaviors. They redefine romance as everyday thoughtfulness, not the idealized version in movies.
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Today's question. And by the way, thanks for sending these in@nakedmarriagepodcast.com Today's question says, my husband and I have a strong friendship and a healthy sex life, but romance has never been very prominent in our relationship. When I read a book or movie that has a tenderness between characters that resonates with me, and I will sometimes fixate on it for days afterwards. When I've expressed the need for a deeper connection to my husband, he usually says something like, I just don't have anything to open up about. She should. I cut out all romance movies and books to keep me from having this expectation. Man, that's a great question. That is.
And I just sense that. I mean, it's so sweet, like the way she writes about it. It's not coming from like this resentful place. I really commend you on having self reflection about this. You know, her first inclination is maybe I'm watching too many things that are making me have unrealistic expectations. So I love the kind of standpoint you're coming from. Um, you know, I get, you know, we, we hear from a lot of people in the same dynamic, wouldn't you say, sweetie? I mean, where it's like, the husband really does. Yes, it's very common. Like he, you know, and maybe he doesn't really think he does have anything to open up about. I think maybe it could be asking a different question. You know, I think sometimes when it's like, is there anything? And I used to do this a lot more than I do now, I would say, do you have anything you need to tell me? Do you remember when I did that?
For years, I'm like, that's a terrifying question. I was, I was like, I don't. No, I don't think so. I'm trying to think of things to confess to.
No, I really did. I don't know. I'm so sorry, sweetie, but I did that for years. For years.
Oh, my goodness.
And he'd be. It was like real daunting for you. And I don't know. I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from, but.
No, it came from wanting to connect.
I wanted to connect. Right. And I'm not saying she's saying it like that, but you know that I think it's very intimidating. But when husbands have a wife, come to them saying, I wanna connect deeper with you. I had actually a post on Instagram once that talked about heartfelt communication. And I'm a woman. Heartfelt is. I'm all about it, right? And I had some women write me and say, my husband looked at this too, and this kind of scared him. And they're like, maybe it's the way you guys worded it. And I ask you about it and you're like, yeah. He goes, I don't think I would ever use the word heartfelt to describe what you're trying to describe. And so sometimes this is semantics. I think if you could come to your husband and just enter into a conversation of just talking about how you're feeling and naturally bring it out. And I also want to. I just want to say, too, maybe do an activity when you're trying to have these conversations. We've mentioned this before, but there's actually neuroscience behind this. Men are going to open up more when they are side by side with someone as opposed to face to face. And while they're doing an activity, as opposed to just being stationary. And so go on a walk, go on a drive, maybe do an act like, you know, play a sport together, whatever it is, find something where it's less intimidating because he is moving. And I'm telling you, I think he'll be more likely to open up.
It's great insight as always, my love. And so, you know, it takes me longer to think. So I'm glad you went first because that's. It was so good. Gave me a minute to think, and it still won't be as good as what you said.
Not true.
Not true. I would say a few things. Number one, men respond so well to praise from their wives.
Oh, yeah.
And so find those things that he is doing where you do feel connected to him, even if it's just a little bit he's doing it, and praise him for that. Say, oh, my goodness. When you, you know, when we did this together, I just. I loved it. I felt so close to you and so connected to you. I wish we could do that more often because it was so much fun. And like when you, you know, told me about your day and just made me feel really close to you.
Shared that thing with me.
Thanks for sharing that with me. When you frame it not in terms of, why don't you do that more? Or I wish you would do this. And I'm sure you're not saying it like that, by the way, but that's maybe how he hears it. Like, oh, I'm not measuring up. There's this standard that I can't reach and I don't even know what it is. And so I just want to pull back. But when you praise him or thank him for the things that he's doing right, he's going to want to do more of that thing because he wants your praise, he wants your thanks, he wants to feel connected to you. And so start with that and realize, too, that some of what you're seeing on these shows, it's not real.
It's fictional.
It's fictional. Just like, not that it's as damaging as something like porn, but part of why porn is so damaging is there's nothing real about it. It's not real. So it feeds this fantasy that's not even reality. And sometimes these seemingly innocent kind of romance stories and shows and rom coms and Hallmark movies and everything else with innocent storylines that create these dynamics between people who aren't real characters. And we think that this is the way it's supposed to look. And so I think that we can find entertainment value in it. But whenever we're trying to compare our real marriage to some fake, fictionalized version, we can run into some trouble there. So just be mindful of that. Like Ashley said, when you're watching it, but still fight for intimacy in your own marriage. But again, I think it means starting the conversations and thanking and praising him for what he's doing. Right? I think he's going to open up more. And for your husband, the word romance is intimidating to a lot of husbands because we don't know what that means. It's something we can't put our heads around. Like, what is that? Do I have to, like, learn French and start writing poetry in another language? And, like, that's not what romance is. Romance is really just another word for thoughtfulness. And so help him see it that way. Just say, listen. When I say I want you to be romantic, I just mean I want you to think about me and think about ways to connect with me. And when I see that I'm on your mind, it makes me feel really close to you. That's romantic. And when you're willing to talk to me about whatever's, you know, happening in your life, that. That makes me feel really close to you. That's. That's romantic. And so help him. Help him see what your expectations are in a way that he can meet it, and it's really practical and doable for him. And I think that you'll see he'll want to do.
