It's Sexy September! | The Naked Marriage Podcast | Dave & Ashley Willis

Hey, sexy cats and kittens. Welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. Sexy September preview. This is your main man, Dave, and.

Your cool cat, Ash, coming at you.

We sound like. Like we're at a creepy disco.

Yeah, I just need to add a.

So why are we talking weird? Well, I'm glad you asked. It's a midlife crisis we're having. No, it's not really that. It's a preview for Sexy September. Sexy September. Because we want to make this the sexiest September of your lives.

Don't worry, we are not going to do all of our intros this way. All September. But we had to for this one, right?

We had to mix it up. So if you're still with us. Thank you.

Thanks for inviting us.

Thanks for not quitting early. We're gonna have fun today. It's late August. We're gonna start the Sexy September early. And then over the next three weeks, we're gonna focus on how you can just improve your sex life, Right?

Yes.

And it's gonna be practical. It's gonna be fun, and we hope this is the sexiest September ever. But even if you're listening to this in February or March, anytime or whatever month, baby, it can be sexy, too. It can be sexy November, it can be sexy Hot July. It can be sexy all the time.

See, I'm terrible at this. Really terrible. Let's just move on, and let's talk about sex.

All right, so Ashley can't wait to talk about it, so let's dive into today's episode. Hey, Prince, thank you for surviving that creepy intro we did just for your listening pleasure. Yes. We're gonna talk, though, about very practically how to spice things up in September and beyond. We're calling it Sexy September because, you know, it's a fun, alliterative way to address it. But really, this stuff has nothing to do with what month of the year it is. It's just about focusing on improving your marriage and specifically on spicing up and improving your sex life. And we're gonna address even some of the difficulties people experience in their sex life in the coming weeks. Um, we're gonna talk about some of the common pressures and struggles that people have in their sex lives. But today, as we start things out, we're just gonna share some tips.

Yes.

All different kinds of fun little tips that maybe could be helpful, maybe could be instructional, maybe could spark some new ideas.

That's right.

And lead to some fun conversations. Because it should not be awkward or weird to talk about sex with your spouse. It should be as natural as talking about breakfast or talking about anything. Because you got to be able to just talk about, you know, what, what you like, what you don't like, what your hopes are in this area of your relationship. And to not get defensive when those conversations happen, but to really lean in and make even the communicating about sex an intimate act.

That's right. And that's the truth, is just communicating about it is for a lot of people, even more intimate and vulnerable than the actual act of sex itself. Because, you know, you're, you're putting yourself out there. Especially if, like, you start that conversation of like, how do you think our sex life is right now? Like, are you satisfied? Or would you like more frequency or like more variety in positions and things? Or like, you know, like that. That can be a vulnerable conversation to have.

Sure.

And because you kind of too are essentially asking your spouse, like, if you're doing, you know, with like your part, so to speak, in serving them in that way. And so I know it can be kind of scary and a lot of people are like, oh my gosh, it just seems so weird to just have this open conversation. But even the act of having that open conversation can be really sexy. Just that in and of itself, when it's done with a lot of love and respect and can get you excited about sex again. I think a lot of times, and we're going to talk about this in future episodes, but I think a lot of times we just get into autopilot and we just kind of have our normal day to day and we kind of lose each other in the midst of that. And so that's why it's important that we have podcast episodes like this and conversations like this just to get us to refocus. Because I think that sometimes sex can become the thing that is last thought of and is on the back burner. And a lot of resentment can be built up between spouses when that is not being tended to.

Man. So good. Yeah. So with all that being said, kind of setting the framework, we're just gonna share some tips and some of these we've shared, maybe some of them we haven't. We've got a lot of resources out there already about sex. You know, our book the Counterfeit Climax, which I highly recommend because it helps, I think people get to the root of some of the issues that are holding them back. And some of the counterfeit versions of sex maybe that the, you know, culture has fed them and it has some conversation guides in it that are designed specifically to help you and your spouse Talk through these issues that maybe you've never talked about before. So check that out. But few tips. I'm just gonna, like, throw out a few.

Okay.

And, you know, first, just real practical. Right?

Okay.

Be clean. Right.

And I know one of your favorite tips for being clean and smelling good, which I think go hand in hand. Right, Right.

Yeah.

They should tell em. You're. I'm laughing because I don't know why you remind me of Ron Burgundy right now. I don't. This whole thing, I feel like it's Ron Burgundy.

Stay classy, San Diego.

I mean, I'm like, when you were like, I'm gonna throw.

Throw it out. I'm like, I'm gonna throw this out. It's gonna blow your mind. Throw it back if you don't want it.

Anyway, no, back to this. Recently. Recently, we, like, you may have seen these ads for this, and they are not a sponsor of the podcast, although they would be a very fitting sponsor. You know where I'm going with this, right? You know where I'm going. Okay.

Oh, Lumi.

I know. He. I'm like, how do you not know this?

Well, yeah, I. I mean, describe what.

Lumi is for people.

So I guess it's like this lotion deodorant that you can put anywhere.

It's a water based.

And this lady that OBGYN created, she makes these commercials, like, on her cell phone where she's, you know, showing you in detail all the places you can rub Lumi. And it's. It's. Frankly, it's traumatizing. It's traumatizing.

She's just honest.

She's very honest. But it leaves nothing to the imagination of all the places Lume can go. And Lumi is not a sponsor of this podcast, though at this point, you should be, because now people are Googling it.

Right?

Right now.

Well, I was like, I've seen. Literally, I guess they think that we're in the market for Lumi because, like, every time I'm on Facebook or Instagram.

You must stink everywhere.

Well, no, but it's, like, for mostly women, I think men can use this too, obviously. But I think they're really marketing this to women. And so, like, you know, just. It's something that obviously nothing replaces a shower and being clean and doing all those things, but it's something that can extend, like, if you are an active person or you sweat excessively, things like that. How? And even going to the. To the ob gyn, it can be an embarrassing thing for women. So I'm not Gonna go into detail with it. You guys get what I'm talking about. But I don't explain. But I tell Dave, I told Dave, I said, I want to see what this is all about. Like, because I work out, you know, every day, we're in a hot environment. I was like, I just want to see what this is about. And they come in all kinds of scents. You can kind of pick what your preference is, but. But it actually does. I mean, it works. And it. And it. Supposedly it doesn't harm you in any way. It's, you know, doctor formulated. But I think it's something for both men and women where. Even though. Because there are things, I'm talking very frankly here, some men and women, even if they have, you know, they shower every day, they cleanse well, they just are excessive sweaters or they have sometimes an odor issue. And Lumi is something that can help to aid in that.

Right? So when you're trying to think about coming, bringing it back to sex, right?

Because it can be off putting in sex, I mean, for sure.

Well, if you want to create, like an ideal experience for both of you, you have to think about every one of your senses is being engaged. Sight, sound, smell, touch. And if any of those are really off, then it can impact the whole experience. And scent in particular is the one sense of all your five senses that is most directly linked to memory, to memory and association. It is very powerful. And if. If there's negative scent, kind of like in your mind, just all this to say it's scent matters. And so be clean. But then also in your bedroom, have pleasant scents going. Spray your sheets, have scented candle that you really like.

Or spray your sheets with Febreze or essential oils. You can have your oil. What do you call that? You know what I'm talking about, where you have water and oil and it puts it into the air. I can't.

Yeah, it creates an edge. You know what I'm talking about?

Yes.

Anticipation of. Temptation of put on your perfume.

Like, I know some women who. They have a certain perfume that they will only wear for their husband, like when they're having sex. And so it's associated with this beautiful scent. And I think that's really cool. I mean, it's a really cool thing. So then it's like steamy. So then if you put that scent on earlier in the day, it's like.

Ooh, ooh, it's gonna be a good night.

It's gonna be a good day, you know, and so scent is very important. And cleanliness Obviously, we even talked on other podcasts. But I'll mention this again. Even, you know, women, if you like your man to have a beard or to shave and to be, you know, have smooth skin, I'll be frank. How you want your lady to be.

To scape. To just take care of those. To trim the lady garden or the. To trim the lady garden or to manscape.

Manscaping is for you.

Well, right. Yeah, for a guy, obviously.

Oh, okay.

You know, to scape. Whatever is going on. You know, like to talk about just hair preferences.

Hair, whole body.

Whole body. Hair preferences.

Yes.

Right. And, you know, and to act accordingly as a way to, like, serve your spouse. Like, all right, you're into this. Like, I stay clean shaven for the most part. One, because when I grow a beard, it looks like I haven't finished puberty. But two, more importantly, Ashley just doesn't like the texture.

It just hurts my face.

The texture of it when I'm.

And I get red.

So I want to be able to kiss her, and it'd be comfortable to her. Right. And for her to not want to, like, recoil for me when I'm leaning in. And so, like, just do those things out of. Out of a way to serve your spouse.

Yes.

Instead of always just fighting for your own preference. If you're doing. If you've got something that, you know, your spouse just doesn't like or is even disgusted by or it hurts them, like, you know, facial hair might or whatever.

Right.

Then be willing to say, let me adjust that. You know, one of our friends, you know, Rich, who we saw last night, he keeps a goatee, but he shaves every single day. This little part, the little soul patch part, like, right under his lip. Because that part in particular hurts his wife. Hurts his wife when he kisses her. So every single day, even though he keeps his goatee, he shaves that one part. Just as a way to help his wife.

Exactly.

Just do those little things for each other.

I would even include. We're spending a lot of time on hygiene, but it's very important. I would even include trimming nails for both men and women. I would say brush your teeth. Brush your teeth? Yeah. Like, sweater tooth is gross. Like, don't do that. You know? And again, I do think some people have to work harder at this than others. I mean, sometimes there's some things that people deal with. No matter how much they brush their teeth, they've got, like, breath issues. There are mouthwashes that are specifically for that that will help. That I would also, you Looked at.

Me really focused when you talked about bad breath. So I'm going to take this as a hint and I'm going to look at this mouthwash.

He smells amazing.

That she's talking about.

No, I love it.

I am kind of getting old man breath. I can feel it.

Not have old man. I would tell you. I would, I would. And I would hope you tell me too and be like, I know it's happening, but no. Do you remember the one thing, though? Like, if I smell peanut butter, which.

Which I love peanut butter.

It's so off putting. Right. And so it is so off putting. I don't know why.

Yeah. She is disgusted by this.

And I can smell it a mile.

Away of it on my breath. And so, like, I know that if I want to pursue her in an intimate way and I've had any peanut butter in recent hours, I'm going to have to go brush my teeth and, like, white specifically to like, get that smell away because she does not like it. And so just being sensitive to those things to help put your spouse in a place where they can be at their best, where they can let down, I think.

Talk about atmosphere.

Atmosphere. All right, so lighting. Lighting's important. I think most people look best in dimmer lighting.

Are you saying we need dimmer lights? You looked at me. I'm kidding.

No, I'm saying, like, you know, harsh. Like, have you ever tried on a shirt or something in a. In one of those, like, harsh light changing rooms at the mall or something where it's this harsh halogen light? You could, you could be a supermodel and you will look disgusting shirtless in that lighting. Nobody looks good in it. But in dimmer lighting, it's just, it's flattering and it's nice. Now have some light. Because especially most men are very visual. Women can be very visual, too. And if you're just so self conscious that you want it completely dark in there, you're both missing out on the visual connection that can happen in those intimate moments. And so have some light. I think dim light, like candle, like candlelight. Even if it's not an actual candle. Something that's just sort of recreating the feel of candlelight. Yeah, it's gonna, it's gonna be nice. It creates a natural warmth. It creates a natural romantic feel. Yeah, Romantic feel. Maybe. Yeah, maybe have some music on.

Yes.

In the background. So there's. If it's. There's no background noise, then that can just kind of feel awkward because then.

Well, and if you have Children. It's real awkward.

Yeah. Yeah. Especially if you have children.

And it's not just for your children if what they hear. But there's nothing that will kill your libido more than hearing a baby cry or hearing kids knocking at the door, fighting or what. You know what I'm saying? Like, first of all, make sure your kids are okay. I mean, make for atmosphere for parents. Make sure your kids are safe and okay and otherwise occupied so that you can have your time. Preferably, like, maybe when they're in bed, you know, when, you know, they're sleeping, you know, they're safe and. And go have your time. But I think that that's really important. But I would say this, too. We have differed on this. Like, I could have the TV on all day long, just in the background, and that's something. That's just how I grew up. Now, Dave, on the other hand, really craves that. That quiet. And we've kind of differed. Sometimes we'll turn the TV on just because there's children, like, in the next room or whatever. But it's kind of a little bit of a sound barrier for both, you know, for them and for us. But I think it's really distracting for you, and it's not for me. And so we need to talk to each. You know, like, spouses need to talk to each other about that. And so what we try to do, like, we try to find some kind of something on there. Usually for it to not be distracting. It's usually, like, for us, it's that we've seen every episode of the Office. I don't know how many times. So, like, put on something that you've already seen. You're not gonna be distracted by the plot of what I'm saying.

Yeah.

Like, we have to be mindful of that. Or. Nice. Music's wonderful. Like, if there's certain songs that really set the mood for you and your spouse, it's. I mean, it's awesome, you know, but if it's.

If it's live, if it's, like you're listening to music and it's like a live recording, like at a concert, then every few minutes, it's like people are clapping for you, which makes you feel like you're doing a good job.

Wow. That's one way to look at it. Okay, what else? We talked about atmosphere, hygiene, smells. You talked about what you see, what you hear, what you feel. You know, we didn't talk like. We talked about shaving, like, beards and other nether regions. But even like even, like shaving, you know, women shaving their legs and stuff. Like, not being real stubbly because that can be distracting.

Stubble anywhere is usually like, it usually hurts. Uncomfortable to your partner.

Right?

And so I would say, like, just.

Well, even calluses, like, that's something like getting calloused hands that you could be like, not even realizing you have calloused hands and you rub your spouse's arm and it like, hurts.

Well, and I've had that, like, from lifting weights or from like just, you know, working on stuff with my hands and all.

You've addressed that.

Calluses on my hands. And then I'll like, you know, touch Ashley, just even touch her arm.

Yeah.

Because it can be, sometimes it can irritate her and she's like, oh, my gosh, you know what's on your hand? So just be mindful of those things. You might have to like, take a little in reward and smooth that out. Men, let me give you a challenge. Listen. Now, for most men, sex in itself is a form of stress relief. But most women need stress relief before they can be in the mindset to make love. So God wired us up completely opposite this way because he has a sense of humor and he wants us to learn to serve each other. So your wife has a mental to do list going on all the time that is going to distract her from being in the mindset to make love. And so you can help by taking some things off her to do list, by doing some of the tasks or chores that normally she would do so that she doesn't have to do it. And that's going to free up her mind. So if you see a full dishwasher, you know, like, put that away. Or if you, you know, if there's, if you can help with some laundry.

Or like, not just for sex.

Like, not just for sex.

Be a partner all the time.

All the time.

Because that is seriously sexy. Like, and you're that way. Like, I, I don't. I mean, we're, we are full partners all the time. We're both serving each other and both, you know, there for the kids and all that. I think there's nothing sexier than having, you know, knowing that you have a full partnership. And because I have heard women say, like, that it's backfired when they've seen their husband all of a sudden being willing to do something that he wasn't otherwise willing to do just because he knows sex is coming, like that night, you know, or whatever, hoping or hoping that sex is gonna happen.

Don't do it in a manipulative way.

Exactly.

Like, yeah, you got to have a mindset to serve all around. But if you have that mindset, like Ashley said consistently, it's wonderful. It is just. It is sexy. It is.

Yeah.

Well, guys, we're gonna have fun over the next few weeks talking more about ways to be sexy.

Sexy September.

And you don't have to talk in a creepy way either to enjoy it. But I will say as one final thing, don't lose your sense of humor with your sex life. Like, you know, you guys gotta be able to laugh. Laughter is one of the most intimate acts a couple can share. Even within the moment of making love. You know, you. There are times where, you know, laughter is what needs to happen, right? And don't lose your sense of humor and keep laughing together and you'll have a lifetime of love. Stick around the next couple weeks, guys. We got some. Some great stuff planned on this topic. It's going to be a lot of fun and we look forward to seeing you soon. God bless.