Keep Your Vows in 2024

She said, it's been 656 months since our first date, and he has never once forgotten to bring me a flower. And I felt like the biggest, most unromantic jerk. I'm like, dang it, why did I even ask?

I mean, that's like, dang it, Harold, setting that bar so high.

Yeah.

Hey, there. Welcome back to the Dave and Ashley Willis YouTube channel. We have another great episode on the Naked Marriage podcast for you today. We are doing a series called Back to the Basics. And we're gonna go through the vows each week and really talk about what it means to keep those vows. And so today it's to love and to cherish.

What does that mean? And how do we do it? And I'll just say first, you are so easy to love and to cherish.

Oh, you're easy to love and cherish. You know, I love those vows. Those are probably my favorite ones, because I feel like it's so it is basic, right? To love and to cherish. And I think, you know, number one, to love. I mean, how many ways can we show love to our spouse? You know, love is not, you know, I love. This is going to age me a little bit. But I used to listen to, well, modern day Toby Mack, but back in the day, there was a band that. What were they called them now?

D.C. talk.

D.C. talk. Yes. So Michael Tate, who is now the headliner or the leading man for Newsboys, and Toby Mack. And then there was another guy, and I'm blanking on his name, but a great singer. And there's a band called DC Talk, and they had a song called Love is a Verb. And I love that song. And it's like, love is a verb. It's not just love a noun. It's a verb. Like you show love. And that sounds so silly and simple, but really, I think that's what we need to remember as spouses, is that we need to show our love every day. How do we show our love? I think we need to say I love you as much as possible. But I think saying specifically, you know, things that we love about each other is awesome, because especially the longer you're married. It's great to hear that. But also showing love in the sense of serving one another. I think, you know, we've got to serve one another every day. Like doing those little things, those little acts of love that show that you're on my mind. I care about you. I mean, Dave makes coffee every morning. I mean, just that little act. And sometimes you'll Bring me a coffee. And I love that. That just makes me feel cared for because you make the coffee way better than I do anyway.

That's.

I make it too strong. I really. My parents, every time they visit, they're like, this is way too strong. And I'm like, I know. I don't know how to make it. Like, if I'm the one there. And you're.

I think mine's too strong too.

Taking the kids too.

I think, no, you guys are just too weak.

Yeah, you're right.

You're the ones that are drinking watered down bean water. Like, I'm making coffee over here.

I love it. It's really good. But, you know, that's simple. And I think, like putting gas in the car. I mean, like you. I rarely have to put gas in our car because you're on it.

And I love to serve in that way. It's just.

It's just practical.

Love is. It's an action and we display it, like you said, in so many ways, through our words, through our actions. The Bible gives us a great template of what love is. I mean, Jesus is our role model. You know, he's love embodied. And he was so full of kindness and he served, he sacrificed. There's sacrifice in love. First Corinthians, the famous love chapter that we had in our wedding. Love is patient and kind. And that whole passage gives us a roadmap. Love is patient and kind. It doesn't, you know, envy or boast. It's not easily offended. It's not filled up with pride. It doesn't demand its own way. So love and marriage has to be all those things that, that we're not prideful, we're not demanding our own way, but instead we're kind and loving to one another. We're serving one another. That's what love looks like. It's not just a gushy feeling, because feelings, you know, feelings change. I mean, but if you, if you do the action of love, your feelings will almost always catch up and you'll have the feeling too. But the feeling is secondary to the action.

That's right. You know, where your heart is, there your treasure will be, there it is. Right? And did I say that right?

Or your treasury.

Where your treasury is, there your heart will be. Yeah, I was like, I was getting it wrong there, but that's true. Because it's like the more you treasure something, the more it has your heart, you know, And I think tending to. That's where cherishing comes in. And to me, cherishing is holding up High, like holding it as something special, something important, you know, holding your vows up highly, holding your spouse highly and just marriage, like saying like, this is something that I value in my life, I'm going to cherish it, I'm going to tend to it, I'm going to keep on growing it. And I think by doing that, you know, we do, we love our spouse by, in action and in words and deeds, things like that, but also by cherishing it, I think we're trying to better our marriage. I think right now, you guys watching and listening the Naked Marriage podcast, you are cherishing your marriage and you're cherishing your spouse.

It's good for you guys.

I mean, you're taking that step, I think, by taking it a step further, by reading the marriage books, by taking time to pray together, by pursuing your relationship with the Lord and praying for your spouse, I think by, you know, just reading, reading marriage resources and growing together, taking time to go away and to invest in your marriage, by doing things like a vision retreat or by coming to our exo marriage conferences, you're pouring into your marriage, you know, you're cherishing it. And when I think about cherishing, I mean, I think about, you know, things that we cherish, we try to keep it in good condition. Right? You're keeping it. Right. And so you think about a piece of jewelry that you want to keep in good condition, you're going to polish it, you're going to protect it, you're going to clean it, you're going to protect it. You don't put it in any old place in your house. You put it in a special place. The same goes for like, I think about like those antique cars that occasionally you see people pridefully driving down the road because they have cherished that car. The engine's running great, the paint looks beautiful, the leather's in great condition on that car because they've cherished it.

They've been so mindful of everything they put into that car, everything they do on the outside of that car.

Yep.

Where it's how it's cared for, where it's kept. I mean, the maintenance all of is very intentional. You don't get a car, 60 year old car that looks brand new by accident. That takes a lot of intentionality.

And what's so crazy about that is sometimes we are more, you know, likely like we're more willing to care for something like an old car that we have, you know, it's a hobby or interest of ours or maybe even. And I'm going to Step on some toes saying this, like, we're going to cherish our pet. We'll take that pet to the groomers. We're clipping those nails. We're making sure they have the heartworm treatment. They blow a hip and we're going to pay thousands of dollars to get that hip right in the right place. But we don't want to go take a date night with our spouse and heaven forbid we pay 50 bucks or whatever and go to a conference. We're not willing to do those things. I'm telling you, when we put it in those terms, that should be a wake up call. That should be a wake up call for us all. What are we willing to do? What links are we willing to go to. To cherish our marriage? And I. We should be willing to put a lot on the line there, right? Yes, we need to be willing to put a lot on the line. This is who we have vowed to spend our life with. You know, for those of you who have kids, this is the person that you have children with. Like, we need to do what we can to keep our marriage strong and if it is going off course, to get it back on course. And so I think that that's what cherishing looks like.

You know, I'm going to tell a story that you used to make fun of me for telling. That's.

Oh, no, I love this one. You haven't told it in a long. I haven't heard it from you in a long time.

You think of Harold.

Harold Louise.

Yeah.

Yes.

So, okay, so I want to tell you an example of. We saw what cherishing love and cherishing lived out love and cherished. So one of the very first marriage conferences we ever did before we were even part of the team here at Exomarriage. Amazing team. And we were, we were at this church and it was, it was a Friday night. We were talking to a group of I don't know, maybe. Maybe a hundred couples.

Hundred.

Yeah, and maybe smaller than that even. But there was this one couple that caught our eye. They were older, they were probably around 80, I don't know, at least. Yeah, at least 80. She was in a wheelchair. But they were just flirting and laughing and having so much fun with each other. They were wearing matching T shirts that they had. Had made, I think just for this event.

It was so cute.

And they just light and love just shown from them. And as soon as we got a break, I went straight up to them and I was just like, I want to be like you guys when I grow Up. I mean, you are doing it, right? Tell me the secret. Tell me the story, you know? Tell me the story of your love. What's the secret? What do you do? And Louise. Their names were Harold and Louise. And Louise said, well, it's not just one secret, but I'll tell you something. I'll give you something. She said, when Harold first asked me out on a date, he was a nice fellow. So I said, okay, sure. And I went out with him. And it was January 16th, and we went out, had a real nice time, and he was such a gentleman. So when he asked me out again, I said, yeah, sure, I'd love to go. And that second date turned into more, and Valentine's Day came around, and he brought me flowers. And I said, oh, that's so sweet. We had a really nice Valentine's day. But then two days after Valentine's Day, February 16, he shows up and he has a flower in his hand. And I said, what's this? You just brought me flowers for Valentine's Day? And he said, well, those were for Valentine's Day. He said, but you might not even know what today is, but today's the 16th of February. It's been one month, one month since our first date. And I've loved every minute of it. I'm just so honored that we're spending time together and so honored to call you my girl. And I just am so excited about what the future might be. And she said, well, this fella is a keeper. So on March 16, sure enough, he shows up again with another flower and says, well, it's been two months, two months since our first date. It's been the best two months of my life. And she said, as things went on, you know, we got engaged, got married, and sure enough, though, on the 16th month after our wedding, I thought the flowers would stop because he's got me now. But nope, he showed up with a flower on that 16th, and he said, I bet you thought I'd forget, but there's no way I'd forget. And he said, I'm just so thankful for every month with you, every moment with you. And then she looked at him and kind of got a tear in her eye. And she looked back at me and she said, it's been 656 months since our first date, and he has never once forgotten to bring me a flower. And I felt like the biggest, most unromantic jerk. I mean, like, dang it, why did I even ask?

I mean, that's like, dang it, Harold. Setting that bar so high.

Yeah, man. Harold, you jerk. How am I supposed to live up to that? And it was so sweet. It was so sweet, though. It was such a powerful reminder of just the intentionality of love, that love is intentional. There's nothing magical or difficult about buying one flower every month. It's not something you have to carve out all this money in a budget for or anything like that. But it's just that he remembered. It's that he wanted her to never forget how much he cherished her, how thankful he was for her.

And they'd been through it. Yeah, they'd been through up to it. She had current health issues. I mean, gosh, you know, in being 80 something years old, I mean, and married that long, you would have stuff that you've been through, but to not forget. And I think the consistency speaks volumes. I mean, I think whatever we do consistently, it's like reinforcing what we've built in our life, you know, And I just love that. And there's things that you do consistently for me that I just love. I mean, you're so. You consistently tell me that you're thankful for different things I do, for who I am.

I am.

You consistently just do little things, like you bring me flowers regularly. I mean, there's not a certain day, per se, but I regularly. You'll come back from the grocery and there's flowers, and you do this with the boys. And the boys, you've involved them with it, too, and you'll have them bring them to me. Because I'm a big flower person, especially when it comes to lilies, especially stargazer lilies. I just swoon because it just is. That's what I had on our wedding day. And you know how much I love them. And they're not always in season. And so if you can't get those, you'll get like an oriental lily. And it just fills the whole house with a fragrance that I love. And it's just intentionality and consistency. And so, like, 22 years later, just that you're willing to do that, it means the world. And I know for some it's not flowers, but, you know, rubbing my back at night and just, you know, it means a lot to me. I know that I always tell you before I ask you, like, I'm like, if you don't want to, don't do it, because I don't ever want you to resent it. And you're like, no, I'm happy to do it. And I just think we all have to have those things that we consistently try to do. And also keep asking our spouse, like, how can I love you today? How can I serve you today? I think that goes a long way. And that may seem really cheesy to some people. Like, well, gosh, I shouldn't have to tell him. I shouldn't have to tell her. But, I mean, why not? Like, maybe you shouldn't have to.

You don't make the waiter guess what you want.

Why would you make your spouse? Well, they'll say, because he's a grown man. She's a grown woman, and she should know. But I'm saying, like, in a previous episode, we talked about how there's, like, stats that say the people who tend to assume the most that they know their spouse and they stop asking questions and are wrong about it are those who've been married longest. And it's because they have that narrative going in their mind, like, well, I shouldn't have to tell him. I shouldn't have to tell her. And I'm telling you, if you would just ask. My gosh. I mean, just right there. You're cherishing them.

Yeah.

You're cherishing them.

Yeah. You're telling them. I want to know.

I mean, don't let Chick Fil A serve with more pleasure than you do your own spouse.

Exactly.

That's just wrong.

That is wrong. We should have Chick Fil a kind of marriage of it is my pleasure.

It should be.

If you don't have Chick Fil A where you are, you're missing out.

Go above and beyond.

But they don't even when you say thank you, they say, my pleasure. Yeah. And it's almost like they mean it.

I feel like they mean it.

I think they mean it.

Yeah.

I mean, they always get your order.

Right most of the time. If they don't, though, they really feel bad about it and they'll correct it.

Yeah. If they don't. You know what? I don't even correct them because I feel like they're so connected to God that they know better than I know what I need.

You know, I didn't need that avocado lime ranch.

This is actually. Must be what I need and what's best for me.

I need the fruit instead of the fries.

Yeah. Well, I don't want to get crazy.

No. What are some other practical ways that we can love and cherish our spouse? Because I do think this is one that we tend to gloss over.

It's huge, though.

It is huge.

I think, you know, we recommend our own resources. A lot. And I hope you go to, you know, exomarriage.com and look at the store and look at ways to give and look at ways to support this ministry. But I want to give you a recommendation that's outside of Exo. The book, the Five Love Languages.

Oh, it's so good. So good.

Classic by Dr. Gary Chapman, I think. Wow. It is so groundbreaking. Beautifully simple that we each have a unique way of giving and receiving love as a primary love language. And you needed to learn what your spouse's is because for you, you might think, well, I really. I feel closest to my spouse when they speak words of affirmation to me. So I'm going to show them I love them by doing that for them. They might not respond to that because that's not their love language. So you have to learn each other. It's like the love languages are off the top of my head. I think it's acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time and gifts.

That's right.

And chances are your primary love language is one of those five and your spouse's is most likely something different than yours.

And that's the case for us.

Yeah, I'm acts of service and I would say physical touch at this point.

Yeah. Which is weird because I think I've kind of changed. I think it's like physical touch has risen up your list the older you've gotten.

It's true. I want you to touch my wrinkled skin.

I love it. I love it. But it's like for me, when we first took this assessment, like, I think when we were getting married, like, is when we first. Right. I mean, or maybe in the early years, my number one was physical touch. And it's more than just sex, obviously. It's really like, you like high fives and hugs and back rubs.

You like that.

You have a rubling, I have a rubbling.

You like to be. I do.

I love a back rub. And so it's more than just what people assume. And then I think quality time was my number two. But you know what's risen up my list is words of affirmation. The older I've gotten. I really love it when you and I go to you almost and you can tell I'm like, I'm not even. I'm not asking you per se, but in my conversation, it's like I need that validation from you and reassurance and stuff. And so it's really interesting and I've heard from different people that it can change in different seasons and how maybe based on our life circumstances and what we've been through, you know, our love. Languages can change, but that's the beauty of marriage, is you're constantly. I think Jimmy Evans has said this before, that you're studying your spouse. You're a perpetual student of your spouse. Like you're learning who your spouse is, what they're into, what they're not into, their quirks, their idiosyncrasies. And Dave likes to say he's becoming very astute on what my list is.

She has a running list of things that annoy her.

Yeah. And it changes.

It changes. And you need. It's so random to be real, though. We tease about it. You need to know your spouse's list. Every laugh about my list has a list of kind of pet peeves and.

Things that mine don't even make sense.

They don't have to. It's your list and it's not consistent either. But it doesn't have to be consistent as long as I know what's on it so I can avoid that minefield and help you avoid it too. Life's gonna be better.

You have a list too, though.

Everybody does.

You do. And I know your list. And so it's funny. We'll tease each other about it somet. But like, one of my thing is, like, very early on, you learn this. I hate. And I rarely say the word hate because that's also on my list. I think people say hate too much. You don't really hate that, you know, but like, I literally hate tickling. I hate it. Like, if you tickle me, I become like a different person. I can't help it. And I told Dave early on, I'm like, I don't know what I'll do. Like, I. I feel like someone's hurting me.

And she is not kidding.

The kids know it. Don t tlem.

She's an incredible Hulk. I'm like, get off me.

And so you don't do that. But Dave, you know, I don't think you mind tickling. You're very ticklish. I don't really tickle you a lot, but I do sometimes with the kids, to be silly. And then what's interesting, only one of your feet are ticklish.

The bottom of one foot's ticklish.

Bottom of one foot.

I must have leprosy or something. The only one sticklish out. Oh, my gosh.

But it's those things, and I think that's a way to cherish them too, is because you're fascinated by them. You're like, I want to learn about you. And it's, you know, that's how you keep a marriage going. Strong love and cherish. I think we speak that first because it's so important, you know, it's so important. And I think sometimes it's the hardest one because you do have to. It's not automatic. It's just not automatic. You can't get on autopilot. It's something you have to tend to every single day. And instead of looking at that like. Like you're dreading it, look at it like a privilege, like, I get another day with you. I get another day to learn something new, you know?

So good. Guys, I hope you enjoyed today's conversation. And we're going to keep this going next week with another part of the vows. So tune in to find out which vow it is as we get back to the basics together. In the meantime, you guys can connect with us on Instagram, Ave and Ashley Willis or always at our ministries website, Xo. God bless. We'll see you soon.