A conversation between Dave and Ashley Willis about how children affect marriage and how couples should prepare. They emphasize starting conversations before marriage about whether to have children, timing, number, parenting philosophy, discipline, and contingency plans (e.g., adoption, handling infertility). They share personal anecdotes (they have four sons, began having children ~3.5 years into marriage) and give practical advice: create a unified plan, find mentor couples who are further along, and join a church small group for community support. Children are framed as a gift but also a potential strain without planning.
Questions this video answers
Four boys, ages 5 to 15.
About three and a half years into their marriage.
Seven years.
Chapters
Hey, there we are, Dave and Ashley Willis. And we just came out with a new resource for engaged couples called Preparing for I Do. And we want to talk about some of the things that you might be dealing with in marriage. And one of those things is how kids can positively and negatively affect a marriage.
Yes. And they have a huge impact. So we've got four little boys right now, ages 5 to 15.
Not so little anymore.
Not so little. Yeah, they're huge. And they eat a ton. And, yeah, they sweat. You know, they all. I mean, it's just.
There's some stank.
Yeah, there's a lot that goes on with. With all that, but they're. They're precious. They're the light of our world. But kids will change everything. And I know that some of you watching this, you're in all different seasons. Some of you have children already. Maybe, maybe you're going to enter into kind of a blended family situation where either you or your. Your fiance has a child or has children, and you're. You're navigating. What's it look like to make our family one? Many of you, though, you're starting out, neither of you have kids, and you're going to create a family together. But right now is the time to start talking about what is that going to look like? What is our vision going to be for our family? What is our parenting philosophy? And some of the specific things to ask are, what are the things that my parents did that I want to make sure we do in our family? What are the things that my parents did that I want to make sure we do not do in our family? And what are the things that together we're going to have a unified plan and vision for what is discipline gonna look like? What is decision making gonna look like? How many kids do we want to have? And, yeah, that might change a little bit. But if one of you wants one child and one of you, you know, wants enough kids to have a reality TV show someday, you know that you need to figure that out and talk through that right now. And so many couples make the mistake of saying, we'll just figure that out as we go. But these are important conversations to have now.
Absolutely. And I think, too, you know, when you are talking about whether or not you want to have children, I mean, that's an important conversation because you definitely. It'd be so sad when you marry and each other and you love each other dearly, but one of you has this dream of having a family, and the other is like, no, I just really don't have a desire to have children. So definitely have that conversation. But I think you should even take it a step further. And if you both are on that same page of wanting to have children, not really sure about the number, talk about the timing. When do you want to start your family? And then you need to talk about this. Talk about, how are we going to handle if it's not really our timing? Because the truth is, you know, it's God's timing. I mean, we can start, you know, trying to have kids, and it ends up taking us years because it's just not happening the way that we thought it would. How are you going to handle that? You know what's going to happen? And we had those conversations. That's something that we really talked about. We both knew we wanted children. We didn't really put a number on it in the beginning, but we did talk about, you know, what's going to happen if having kids is hard. Are we going to be open to adoption? And we both said, yes, we will be open to adoption. And, you know, God gave us kids. We started our family about three and a half years to our marriage, and we got pregnant pretty fast. And then the next conversation was, well, when do we want to have the next child? And, you know, and sometimes it happens when you think it's gonna happen, and sometimes it doesn't. But the bottom line here is to remain unified in knowing that you're for each other and not against each other. And if one is kind of on a different page, don't point fingers, but really talk about it and say, you know, why do you feel that way? I mean, what is it? Are you afraid? Is there something that's scaring you about being a parent? Or, you know, is it something from your past with your own family where you have this certain kind of feeling about parenting children? Are you afraid you're going to become your mom? Are you afraid you're going to become your dad? And maybe it was just a really negative experience, or maybe you feel like you can't measure up. Talk about all those things.
Yeah. And make sure that it's a safe place. Your relationship has to be a safe place for both of you to express your dreams, your hopes, your fears without judgment, and make sure that you're always having those conversations. Another thing that's helped us in the parenting journey is to look for mentor couples at every stage of your relationship. Look for a couple who's maybe a little further ahead than you are. So if you're to the place where when you're ready to start talking about having children, maybe find a couple at your church or a couple that you admire that they have young kids already, so they're several years down the road and invite that family over for dinner with kids and all and just watch, watch how they interact with them and talk to that husband and wife and say, what did you learn? What did you wish you would have known when you were a few years back in our season, learn from people who are a little further ahead. You don't have to make all these mistakes on your own. You can learn from the mistakes others have made. We've made plenty. We talk a lot him in the Preparing for I Do video course. And so check that out@premarriage.com but these conversations are so important. And children are a gift from the Lord. Whenever they come, however they come, they are a gift from the Lord and a gift to be cherished. But without proper planning, they can be a gift that can cause a real strain and division in the marriage. And so you just have to have a unified strategy moving forward.
Absolutely. And one thing that we have consistently been a part of the throughout our marriage, before kids and after kids, is a small group at church. And that has been life changing. Like right now we are back in our small group. We've actually been in this small group for seven years and we just started meeting again and all of us have kids at this point. But there's some new members that have a baby they just adopted. And I love that we're all in different phases and we get to kind of be those people to say, let me tell you what I learned. Let me tell you about the mistakes I made. Let me tell you what we did right and that seems to be working and it's just so cool and it's so rich and that's really how God designed community. And so if you're not part of a local church, I encourage you to become part of your local church church. But then take it a step further and become part of a small group. Share a meal together and talk about, you know, marriage, talk about family, talk about all the concerns that you have and you will learn so much and you'll make great friends in the process.
That's such great advice. Hey guys, for more on building a solid foundation for your future marriage and family, check out the video course Preparing for I Do. You can find all those resources@premarriage.com.
