Let's Talk About Sex | @DaveandAshleyWillis

Hey, there we are, Dave and Ashley Willis. And we have a new course called Preparing for I Do that is specifically for engaged couples and will help you to build a stronger foundation for your marriage. And today we're going to talk about everybody's most favorite subject, and that is sex.

That's right. And we're, we're going there. We're going to be blushing by the end of this.

Yes.

And it's going to be awesome because this is a huge topic and it's kind of a hot button topic. It is, because depending on you and your exact situation right now, I know we all approach this topic of sex from a lot of different. A lot of different ways. You know, some of you have got a lot of sexual experience, potentially sexual baggage because of sexual sin, you know, times that you stepped out of God's plan for sex or potentially you've had negative experiences with it, or God forbid, even, even abuse. We, we know that those scars can be, you know, deep scars, but God can bring healing to that. We talk more about that in the course. Others of you, you know, you were maybe ra place raised in a church setting where people with good intentions actually taught you negative ideas about sex because they were trying to scare you away from ever doing it. And so we talked to a lot of young couples, and particularly this seems to impact young women or women of any age really, that grew up in that environment, and they were taught that no good girls don't ever have or enjoy sex. And then they have to completely change their mindset when they're married. Others of you, maybe you were raised in that Christian environment and you know that God's plan for sex is perfect and awesome, but because it's so awesome, you've had a hard time waiting and you're actually having sex now before marriage. And so in all of those situations, what do we need to know about God's plan for sex? How to have an awesome, thriving sex life, regardless of what your past has been, Making sure your future sex is awesome, but it's done in a way that honors God and builds your marriage instead of tears it down.

That's so right. And there's a lot there. I know you guys are like, wow, my head's spinning. That's like so many different dynamics going on. But sex is important. And so the first thing I would tell you is you need to be talking about it. You need to be talking about how you were raised, like, what kind of you. Your parents taught you when it comes to sex. Because, you know, Dave and I Came from very different backgrounds. His parents, you know, he grew up in a Christian home and they talked about sex very openly, about it being a beautiful gift from God, something that God created specifically for married couples. And that it's awesome when. When enjoyed within the union of marriage. But I grew up in a house, also a Christian home, but one where my parents were afraid to talk about sex. And I come to find out later it's that they felt inadequate because they themselves were a little bit ashamed about their own past. And I think that's often the dynamic is that our parents want to teach us, but they're not really even sure where to start because then kids always ask questions. And I was one of those kids. I always had questions. And instead of like really explaining it, I think we get scared and we just shut it down. And we're raising four boys, so we totally get this and we have compassion for, for all the dynamics going on. But we've got to talk about it. So if you and your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your fiance are sitting here watching this, I hope that once you finish this video that you have a really honest conversation about sex, about what you hope it's gonna look like once you're married, about how you were raised, any hang ups that you have. And you certainly do need to talk about past sexual experiences. You don't want to have any secrets going into marriage. You need to be totally honest and also be willing to give as much detail as your future spouse ask you. Because when we hold back, then we don't trust each other. And sex is just as much about trust as it is about attraction. You've got to have a deep trust for one another because that's only going to make you have that deeper connection that God designed sex to be.

Man, that's so good. And this is. Guys, this is a heated in more ways than one topic.

It's spicy.

It's spicy, but it's also so important. And it's an aspect of your marriage that has to be prioritized. And so many couples let this issue be something that doesn't bring them together in this beautiful way, physically, emotionally and spiritually the way God intended. But it becomes this point of division. Sex is an opportunity in marriage to really serve one another because you're wired up differently. But it's an opportunity to serve one another's needs. And like Ashley said, even now, as you're preparing for I do to start talking about what do you hope that looks like? And talk openly like she said, about your own past baggage. You Know, for me, part of my past baggage was pornography. And early in our relationship, I didn't have the courage to talk to Ashley about the fact that that had been part of my past. And because I didn't have the courage to talk about it in that secret place, it actually crept back in early in our marriage, and I fell back into pornography, which we've talked a lot about in the Preparing for I Do course and then also on our Naked Marriage podcast and elsewhere. And porn is rampant in our society. It's an aspect that brings baggage to a lot of people, particularly men, but women, too, in terms of sabotaging our mind to think about what sex should be. Looking at another person as just an object for your own fulfillment instead of this beautiful soul with whom God wants you to have unity in every way. So whatever issues you've had, whatever hangups you've had, whatever insecurities you've had, let your relationship be the safest place on Earth. Talk about those things so that once you're married, your marriage bed can be the safest place on Earth for both of you to be, as the Bible says, naked and unashamed. Just. God doesn't want any shame in your marriage bed. He wants you to be able to deal with that baggage from the past and to find hope and healing that Jesus offers through forgiveness. He wants you to be able to get past your own insecurities or your own hangups, to be able to fully enjoy one another. Because sex is supposed to be fun. God designed it so where you can really, truly, without any hindrance, just enjoy in the sweet freedom and intimacy that God designed the marriage bed to have. He doesn't want you to settle for anything less. And there are all these artificial counterfeits of what sex is supposed to be in our culture, but the best, thriving, most intimate, and I believe most fun sex on the planet should happen between two people who love God, love each other, and are committed to one another within the covenant of marriage. And so have the conversations now. To help prepare you for that, I.

Want to talk specifically to those of you who have been waiting to have sex until you are married. And, you know, this is awesome, and I just commend you on that. I know it's a hard thing to do, but I know it can also. It can sometimes lead into some. Some things that you just didn't see coming. And one of those things is shame. And Dave kind of touched on that. And I actually. I know what that feels like. Just like where you've shut that part of you down, You've been waiting, you told yourself, no, no, no for so long. And then all of a sudden you're married and it's like the gates are open. You're all of a sudden supposed to be a sex goddess. I'm just gonna tell you, it doesn't happen that way, guys. It doesn't happen that way. And it can be a very rude awakening. And you can feel really disappointed that you all of a sudden don't know how to do all the things and be all the things and you don't have all the desires you thought you would have right away. It takes time and it takes a lot of patience. And whether or not one or both of you are feeling this way, you've got to be patient with each other. You've got to be willing to take it slowly, because if not, there are a lot of hurt feelings. And not only feelings, but it can also, it can hurt you physically. And so you have to be prepared for that and really talk about that and say, let's just take it slow. We don't need to rush this. Let's take it slow. Let's really enjoy, Try different positions, find out what you like, what you don't like, and be willing to talk about it. Don't be ashamed and know that sex truly is a gift from God. And I think that, you know, there is this hang up with a lot of Christian women, especially where we have, you know, we try to, like, turn off that part of ourselves in order to remain chaste only to, you know, when we get married, feeling like sex is still a bad thing. And so if you are, you know, once you get married, if you have that hang up, it might be time to talk to a counselor. I think it's really good to unpack. You know, why do I feel this way about sex? Because I want to enjoy sex. I don't want to keep it, you know, that, that part of myself from my husband. And to miss out on that gift of marriage. And sometimes if it's a prolonged season of where maybe you're going through the motions and you're having sex, but you're never enjoying it, and you always feel dirty or ashamed afterwards. That is a mental issue. And I want to tell you, you know, we have an enemy of marriage, and that is Satan. And Satan loves to use things that are good, like waiting for marriage. He likes to use it against us. He wants to see, steal, kill and destroy. And he does that in a lot of ways to Christian couples by making sex feel like it's still perverse or something once we're married but it's not it is a gift from the Lord it is something to be enjoyed. There should be no shame like Dave said in the marriage bed and that's going to take time to see that especially if you've if you've really been trying to abstain and to not do that before marriage and so give yourself grace and time and again lots and.

Lots of patience man that's such good advice guys we could talk about this all day. A few resources to help you dive deeper in this one is our book called the Naked Marriage and so you can check out our book the Naked Marriage which outlines God's plan for sex and also shares much of our own story as it relates to the sexual aspect so check that out and then also of course preparing for I do to help you dive deeper and build a solid foundation not only for your sex life but for every aspect of your marriage. You can find that@premarriage.com.