Meal Planning | The Naked Marriage Podcast | Dave and Ashley Willis

We've always believed that one of the best ways to create more health in your marriage, in your life, in every part of your life, is really to connect with a healthy counselor over the years, to work through stress issues, anxiety issues, to just kind of help navigate life's different problems. And we're so excited to have a counseling partner now that's able to do this for you through the Internet. You don't have to go sit in an office. You can from your phone, from your computer, sit down with a licensed professional Christian counselor who is custom fit for you and for what you're facing and what you're experiencing.

That's right. And as listeners of this podcast, Faithful Counseling is giving you 10% off your very first month. That's 10% off your first month. So you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing this. Christian counseling is a game changer. So go today to getfaithful.com naked marriage.

Welcome to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis. On this podcast, we undress the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. We're in a really fun new series called Naked and Healthy. We're talking about health in your body, mind, soul and your marriage. It's based on a brand new book we have called Naked and Healthy, which you can find@nakedandhealthy.com and we got a great topic in that vein today. But before we dive in, we're gonna share a review and we again, we appreciate, we try to share one almost every episode. Thank you for leaving reviews on itunes, Spotify, Google Play, YouTube, wherever you're watching or listening. Your reviews help other people discover the important content that we try to address here. And it also really encourages us. So thanks so much.

That's right. And today's review is from Tantan333 and it's a five star review. Thank you so much. And it says, must listen for any marriage. It says, my wife and I are struggling in our marriage right now and this podcast has helped. So every single topic they speak about is spot on. Well, thank you so much. We're so glad that you find this podcast relevant and helpful to your marriage and we just appreciate you taking the time to leave that review.

That's right. And before I say let's dive in, one quick announcement. And that is if you're not watching the podcast.

That's right.

These are now on YouTube. Right. So you can go to YouTube and watch it as well. And we in addition to that also have a brand new YouTube channel which you can Find. If you search for Dave and Ashley Willis and you do some clicking around, it's part of the XO podcast network. And so we've got lot of content that we're putting on there. But for today, we've got an important topic about food. So grab a snack and let's dive in. We're talking about a hot button issue in our household and most households, and that is the issue of food. Because it's a daily part of life, right? I mean, you got to eat it to live, and it can be a source of great joy and pleasure and connection. You know, so much of the Bible is around meals and feasts and hanging out. But food can also be a tension point, especially when, you know, you're trying to get healthy or you have different food preferences and you're trying to figure out a meal plan together. And then I've always had a sweet tooth. You know, we've. You know, there's, you know, there's never been. There's never been someone else coming to our marriage in any kind of inappropriate way. But there was a long period of time where I would say there was another woman in our marriage.

I know who this woman is, too.

And her name was Little Debbie.

Little Debbie.

And she stole my heart.

And specifically the oatmeal cream pie version of Little Debbie.

I literally kept our relationship in the closet. I would sneak into the pantry and have an oatmeal cream pie.

But when they came out with the double decker oatmeal cream pies, then it was.

It's like a Big Mac of oatmeal cream pie. Goodness.

It was too much.

No, I've always had a bad sweet tooth. And, you know, still something I'm working on. You gotta find balance there.

I've had a vast beeth tooth as well. And anybody from Kentucky will know what I'm talking about. But I'm gonna have to describe what they are for other people.

All right. Yeah, I know what you're gonna say.

All right. So I love sweets, too. And being from Kentucky, we are the place where bourbon was invented. And so they make everything with bourbon. There's bourbon chicken, there's bourbon sauces, and there are bourbon sweets. And there's something specific that's like a bon bon, like a truffle kind of chocolate called Bourbon ball is what we call it. It's a confection.

It's a confectionary treat where it's dark chocolate. Right. With this.

With a walnut on top.

That's right.

And then there's Like a bourbon cream filling. And so there's no actual alcohol in it, but it has that kind of rich taste of bourbon mixed with chocolate. And it's really good. And I don't think I ever even tried a bourbon ball till I was, like, in my 20s. And then once I tried it, I was hooked. And so my in laws are like the sweetest people. But whenever. We've lived away from Kentucky for many years now, but whenever they visit, they bring me bourbon balls. And every time I'm like, part of me is so excited, but part of me is, like, horrified because they're so. I cannot say no to them. And it's so bad that I've. I've done some crazy things. Do you want to tell them what I did?

This is. The bourbon balls are the one area where Ashley has no restraint. She's like the most disciplined person I know. But when she gets around these bourbon balls, she cannot control herself. And she'll mow down, like, rows of those things.

I have to, like, give myself a certain number a day.

And so she'll tell me things like this. She'll say, okay, this is what I want you to do. She said, I want you to give me four of them, and then I want you to take the box and hide it. And then I'm going to ask you where it is.

This is so terrible.

And you can't tell me. And so this is putting the husband in a losing situation.

Terrible situation.

So, like I'm saying, just so you're clear, you want me to hide the box and you wanna make sure that I don't tell you, and you're like, yes. So there was one time, and I think she told me this, thinking that if she really wanted him, she could figure out wherever I hid it, and so it wouldn't be an issue. I think that's what you were thinking.

It's so bad.

So I gave her the four that she asked for. Her daily allotment.

Yes.

Not that I gave her. I was not the one rationing her. I was helping facilitate. So I gave her the four she asked for, and then I went and hid the box. Very effectively, I might add. Because later that night, like a junkie, she started going through the house, digging through stuff, looking for these. I get her like, where? Where are they?

Where can they get her? Cabinet shutting and drawers opening, ruffling of drawers.

And then she woke me up. She came into the room and woke me up and said I was.

I was just.

I just thought, you know, maybe I would just Have a few more bourbon balls. So could you tell me where the box is? And I was like, oh, hey, sweetie. Yeah, well, you know, you told me, if you remember, you said, give me these four now, and then I want you to hide the box, and until tomorrow, do not tell me where the box is. And so she goes, yeah, I know, but I just want. I just want a couple more. And I'm like, and you also said that you would ask for a couple more. And your specific instructions were for me to say, no, you won't. And you go like, I know, but really, seriously, I want the box. And then I started just laughing and you were like, I know, it is funny. Where's the box? Like, it was like, I think your voice dropped like three octaves. It was an exorcism moment. And I just laughed uncontrollably because you love those bourbon balls. And so I told you, of course, where they were. And then I think you ate more, threw them away.

I think this is so bad.

You guys threw them away, then dug the box out of the trash the next day and said, they're still good. There wasn't that much stuff on it. And continued.

Terrible. My sister in law, Erin, still never lets me forget this story.

So we have a lot of fun. So we laugh just to say, like, we're talking about these things, about health and food and all this stuff. We are not doing it as people who have, like, perfect discipline and never.

Eat things we like to.

There was like a. We just had like a staff potluck and there were all these desserts brought in. And I just had no restraint. I mean, I'm practically in a diabetic coma right now. In fact, I can't be held responsible for anything I say on this episode. Because you're sugar high. I'm only halfway conscious. I'm like, with so much sugar in my system. Okay, back to the meal planning stuff. So food, though, is an important part of your marriage. It's an important part of your life. And this is an area again, to kind of like, you know, recap before we land the plane and start moving forward. Like so many couples, I see this all the time. And we've even in some ways even felt some of this tension in our marriage. Will let this issue of food, when one of them has a very specific idea of what the food plan for both of them should be, and then the other one's like, no, you're not gonna control what I eat. I'm not a child. And so there's this Tension of, what do we do together, what do we do separately? What's that rhythm where we can both support each other in health, but at the same time, give each other freedom for our own personal tastes and move forward together and have some kind of a meal plan, because we're gonna be eating hopefully most of our meals together. So what does that look like?

Absolutely. And, you know, I'm thinking of a couple specifically that we've kind of counseled throughout the years. And, you know, for a long part of their marriage, the wife really liked to control what her husband ate. And in her mind, she was like, I'm helping him because I'm better at this. I mean, I know that's what she was thinking, is, I'm better at managing food. I'm clearly in better shape than my husband. I need to help him. But he took it as, I'm not good enough. And for years, this one issue of food was this huge issue between them. And I will say I feel like it went on for probably at least five years and one day, and he was really kind of trying to go along with it to appease her and to show like, hey, I'm trying here. But one day, I think it just came to a head, and he told her. He's like, listen, I just feel like it's like, you're my mom trying to manage my diet, and I'm a grown man.

Well, in that situation, she would, like, grill him on, what did you eat today when we were apart? What did you have for lunch? He had no freedom. He felt like, with this area. And he felt like her love and acceptance was somehow conditional on what he was eating. And if it was lining up with her thing. And it really created resentment and tension because when he didn't measure up to that, she felt like, well, you're disrespecting your health and me by being unhealthy. And he felt like, you're disrespecting me by trying to control what I eat. Which is just a very bizarre thing to try to control for another person, another grown person especially. So sorry to interrupt.

No, but it's true. I mean, it was a huge issue. And I think that finally they've come to terms with that and that she's very controlling of her own food, almost too much, you know, and has dealt with some eating disorders in the past. And I think that she kind of put that on him because she's like, well, I wanna help you lose a little bit of weight. And now they've just kind of Worked through that. And it took counseling, I mean, for this couple, because this one issue, and it led into some other issues too, into some fights, too, and not fighting in a healthy way. But once they got a grip on realizing, like, hey, I can't control what my spouse eats. I need to encourage them to be the healthiest version of themselves. But I can't be over here having them list off what they ate that day or nitpicking their food plan or whatever. We need to be able to support each other. And some of you listening to this are like, but my spouse does need to lose weight. And my spouse isn't healthy. And some of their habits are really detrimental to them. And I want them to be the best version of themselves, but I also want them to be here, physically here, and not die young because of their poor choices. I understand that, and we should have concern, But I am just telling you that the way to get your spouse to wake up is not to nitpick them. The way to get them to realize maybe they could be healthier is to come alongside them and say, you know what? I'm gonna get this healthy cooking cookbook and try some of these recipes and see what we like. Or, let's check out this new place that there's a lot of places that are restaurants that are being built that happen to be kind of centered more around really good tasting healthy food. Go do that. Start walking together. Start doing things a little differently. And then you're not really pointing fingers, but you're coming alongside them because we wanna be partners in this. And I know, you know, years ago, I think it was after I had, I guess, our second child, I really got serious about just being healthier with my eating and with my exercise, and I decided to join Weight Watchers. And, you know, Dave wanted to get healthier, too, but I didn't ask him to join Weight Watchers with me. But what I did do is I wanted to start making healthier meals for our family. And Dave, you know, he supported me in that. And I would put some other things in there to kind of not. It's not the beauty of Weight Watchers, and this is not a Weight Watchers commercial. But the beauty of it is you use real food. You don't have to buy their products. You can make a wide variety of foods. And he actually ended up liking them. And the ones they didn't like, I wouldn't make so much anymore.

Some of it was good. Now, the one thing I didn't like about Weight Watchers, which I Think now they don't even call Weight Watchers ww, Which is just confusing Oprah. You're confusing people. Just call it what it is. But it's a point system. Like, everything has so many points, and then you get so many points a day based on your.

And you earn activity points, right?

And so, like, I'd be eating something, and Ashley would just. She'd come in, meaning well, but really was just a killer of joy. I'd be eating, you know, ice cream or whatever, and she would be like, do you have any idea how many points are in that thing? And I would just be like, you are a thief of joy.

Or I would say, hey, guess how many points are in there?

And I would say, I don't want to guess. You know, I want to go to Dunkin Donuts and get one donut.

No, I. I will never forget this. Like, I remember I decided to get, like, a donut at Dunkin. I'm not even a donut person. That's not my sweet.

Everyone's a donut person if they're honest.

Oh, man. I'm not. Well, they had, like, pumpkin donuts, and I said, you know what? I've been really good this week. I'm just gonna get a pumpkin donut. Well, it happened to. Cause I have the app for Weight Watchers. I still manage my points. I don't always get to go to meetings or anything, but I manage my points. And I just happened to look it up, y'. All. It was 11 points. I get 23 points in a day. I was so mad.

She was, like, grieving the rest of the day. Grieving why?

I was like, that wasn't even that good.

It was that good.

I could have had. I could have had three bourbon balls for this.

Three, right?

Do you ever feel like you are stuck in the same cycle of making the same meals over and over again for your family, and then at the end of the meal, everybody's just kind of not even that satisfied. Well, Dave and I have definitely been there, and so we decided to try something new. I am so excited to tell you about one of our new partners in America's number one meal kit. HelloFresh. Hellofresh Cuts out the stress of meal planning and grocery store trips because they bring it all to you, and you get to pick out exactly what you want. And it also cuts down on waste, because so many times. I'll find a recipe. I'll go to the store. I'll get all of the things that I need, including spices and measuring cups. And such. And I end up only using it maybe twice that year. And then when I go back to maybe use it the next year, it's expired and it's so frustrating and wasteful. Well, HelloFresh takes that away and it makes it so easy and fun. It's really made me enjoy cooking again. You know, through Covid, I've kind of lost interest and HelloFresh has reignited my interest in cooking. And it's also made my family really happy in the process. So if you and your family want to have the same awesome experience with hellofresh, we have an amazing deal just for you today. Go to hellofresh.com naked10 and use code NAKED10 for 10 free meals, including free shipping, which is an amazing deal. Go to hellofresh.com naked10 and use code naked10 for 10 free meals, including free shipping today. Hey, listeners, we are so excited to let you be some of the first people to know that you can now pre order our brand new book, Naked and Healthy.

I'm so excited about this book. It might be the favorite book that we've ever been part of writing because it has not only some of our favorite stories, but so many practical ways for you to get healthier in every part of your life and every part of your marriage. And if you pre order this book, not only are you going to be the very first to get it, but if you order at our site, nakedandhealthy.com which is through our XO Bookstore, if you order through that site, you will get get a signed copy. Ashley and I are going to autograph it for you just as a thank you. And we're so excited for you to read this book. So go to nakedandhealthy.com and pre order your copy of Naked and Healthy Today. You got to support each other. Like, you know, for me, my cholesterol is high.

He just found this out, guys.

No, I didn't just find this out.

Well, you just got tested recently.

No, it's always been high. Just genetically. Like the last several years ago, it was high. And then they said, well, if you want it to not be high, you've got to do these other things. And the things they said sounded like death, right? Well, just don't eat sweets and fried foods and meat. And I'm like, just shoot me now. I would rather just die young than live how you're describing. So they were like, well, I'm like, what else can I do? And they're like, well, some things you could do to just see if it would come down more naturally is you could take a fiber supplement. You could take fiber daily. And there are these powdered fibers, like, old people stuff, I call it. So that's the season of life I'm in now. I'm in the old people stuff, Metamucil, that sort of thing. And you just pour some of this in your drink, and you drink it, and it gets fiber, and it helps you digest stuff, and it helps with your cholesterol. I'm like, oh, that sounds easy enough. So I start taking this fiber. Now, the unintended consequence of this fiber is, is that it was working so well through my digestive system that I started. This is maybe too much information for you guys. This is probably too big, your family. But it gave me, like, constant gas. Okay. Which didn't bother me at all. But it.

I mean, it is fiber.

It is fiber. It's natural. But Ashley was like, this is terrible.

I just said, I think it's a.

Little much if taking the fiber is going to make you this way and make our house smell this way. Like, maybe you. Maybe dying young isn't that bad. I don't think. You never actually said that.

I just said, there has to be another way.

There has to be another way. So I partly, just out of my own being nice, and partly because it was forbidden by Ashley.

It wasn't forbidden. I just said, have you researched this?

I stopped getting the fiber. And, you know, I've tried to make other adjustments, like in terms of what I'm eating and looking at what's high in cholesterol and trying to, you know, eat more egg whites instead of regular eggs, even though the yolk is the best part, let's be honest. It's just I'm kind of getting to that point in life where if it tastes good, I'm supposed to spit it out, I feel like. But we work on it together, and we work on it together, and we try to find rhythms that work for us both, where we support us both. Ashley doesn't have high cholesterol. She never has.

She doesn't have that.

I probably should get checked predisposition. And she also has just been healthier in her diet than I have. Diet is an area where, like, I'm disciplined in some areas of my life, but food is the one area of my life. Well, there are others, too. But one of the main areas of my life where I've always struggled to be disciplined, I just fall into bad habits pretty quickly. And Ashley has been a real leader in our household. In maintaining discipline in that area. And it's something that I want to follow, but at the same time, want to be able to live and enjoy life and enjoy food. And we do together. Some of our best memories are around good food that isn't all that healthy. And so just finding that balance and finding that rhythm. And so, sweetie, kind of bringing this into the main topic before we wrap up, which is about kind of meal planning. We've kind of established we have different preferences, different tastes. There are health concerns. There are a lot of different factors to consider for us to live at our best. Optimal health. But at the same time, enjoy life and find things that work together. And so when you're planning and preparing meals and maybe for your January resolutions, right now, we're still in the month of January. If you're listening to this new. We're trying to, for the whole year and beyond, create rhythms at home where food is tasty and affordable and delicious and it's not gonna make our cholesterol go through the roof. And so what are some life hacks that these couples can do where food won't be a tension point? Like it really is. It really is for some couples. It really is this issue, and we see it. This is something that's talked about a lot. But I see couples argue and have tension around this issue of food, and it just. I don't know, it's something that needs to be talked about. So I'm glad that as part of this Naked and Healthy series where we are addressing it.

Well, absolutely. Because, you know, one, again, might be really trying to get serious about watching their calories and really trying to lose weight, and they feel like it's finally working. But then, you know, their spouse is planning all these food, you know, these parties where there's these amazing, you know, trays of food, and they're like, it's so hard to say no. And I think that can cause a lot of friction. And they feel like their spouse is sabotaging them, but they're not. Their spouse is just like, I wanna enjoy life. I just wanna celebrate. And so really what it boils down to is balance. It's all about balance. And so some life hacks, I would tell you, is look at your calendar and really maybe take it week by week. I know for me, looking at it weekly really helps and say, like, you know, is there any part of the week, maybe it's a date night. Maybe it's a small group night where you share a meal together, you know, whatever it is, where you're gonna maybe be prone to having a higher calorie meal, then go ahead and kind of mark that and know that's coming up. And then the rest of the days of the week, try to really stick to a leaner meal plan where you're still enjoying yourself. You're not. You know, again, don't be too stringent to where you're gonna just fall off. Fall off of the plan and not really follow it. You know, just eat healthier, generally. Try to eat less carbs, try to eat more protein. You know, I'm of the belie. I know there's certain diet restrictions some people have, but for most people who do not have a gluten allergy or anything like that, it's better to have a wide variety of fruits and vegetables and carbs and the good kind of carbs and protein. It's good to have a balanced diet. But what we found and what all these amazing dietitians have found is when you eat a little less carbs and a little more protein, you're gonna burn more fat and your metabolism really kicks into high gear. And so if you can look at your calendar and see that, like, okay, these two days this week are gonna kind of be my days where I give myself more leeway, you're gonna enjoy that, and then you're gonna be much more likely to stick to kind of your plan that you come up with either individually or together on the other days. And that way you're realizing that there's this ebb and flow, there's this. This room to enjoy food, but also letting food really work to your benefit and eating those better foods for you. Because, honestly, guys, whenever I'm eating healthier and not getting those bourbon balls right, I feel so much better with less sugar in my diet, I feel so much better drinking more water. Like when I truly try to get those six to eight glasses of water a day, I feel so much better. When I stop eating earlier and not snack at night, I feel so much better. You know, one life hack that we've really done more recently is intermittent fasting. There's a lot of books on this, and there's a lot of different ways you can do this, but I try to kind of adopt the simple way of doing this. I usually try to four to five days a week. I try to stop eating by 6pm and then I don't eat until around 9am the next day. And what you're basically trying to do is stretch out the time between when you stop eating and when you Start eating. So you're giving yourself a fasting time. And then I've also heard many dietitians say that it's good to stop eating if you're not doing intermittent fasting. A good rule of thumb is to stop eating two hours prior to going to bed because it does something for your metabolism and. And it allows your body, while you're sleeping, to burn, to kind of. It gets that furnace of your metabolism going, and you're gonna burn more fat and just be all around healthier and feel better in the morning and actually be hungry for breakfast. And so, you know, those are some little things we do as far as, like, cooking. I remember years ago, I was part of mops, the mothers of preschoolers group, and we had a lady come in who kind of taught us some hacks for making healthy meals when you don't have a lot of time. And I remember one thing that I thought was so cool, and for a short time we did this is if you go ahead and make kind of weekly your protein ahead of time, it really helps. And what you can do is, like, if you like beef or if you like chicken, go ahead and get some ground beef, cook it up, and just make it with salt and pepper and then freeze it. And then as you go through your week, you can have that for tacos, you can have that for spaghetti. You can have that for, I mean, all kinds of different meals. You can do the same thing with chicken, whether ground or slices of chicken. And you have that already just with salt and pepper. And you can add the seasoning to make it fit for different meals throughout the week. And that way you're not just like, I have nothing to cook. You know, one of my favorite breakfast items that is super low calorie for doing Weight Watchers, it literally is one point, which I just love, because, again, I get like 23 points a day. It's. I call them egg muffins, and my kids love them. And the reason I call them muffins is because I make them in a muffin pan. And all it is is you take. I do a Baker's dozen, so 13 eggs. You whip those up like you're doing scrambled eggs, and then you add salt and pepper. And what I like to add is feta cheese. Okay, so you go ahead and you take about a quarter of a cup and you put it into, you know, your 12, like a muffin pan with 12, you know, making 12 muffins. You kind of scoop that in there with a quarter cup, and then you add your Feta as you'd like. And you can add veggies to this. You can add sauteed peppers, you can add onions, you can add anything you'd like to put in there, even spinach. And you bake that at 350 for about 18 minutes, and you can eat that throughout the week. And they are very filling and they're very healthy, and the whole family likes them like my kids like them. And it's really. It's pretty cheap to make, too. So those are some of my favorite little hacks when it comes to meal planning.

Yeah. And they really are tasty.

Yeah. You can add sauces to them if you want.

We found that, like, getting a lot of protein really does curb the appetite. We've been buying protein shakes at Costco or wherever and just having one of.

Those as a Premier Protein shakes.

Yeah, yeah, they are. None of these people sponsor the podcast.

We're just telling you what works for us.

But if you work at Premier Protein and you'd like to be a sponsor on the Naked Marriage podcast, please write us in.

Or Costco.

Or Costco. Yeah. We spend a lot of time at Costco, which is another old guy thing to do. Like, whenever I'm there, I just. Me and the old people. So I'm one of the old people now is what I'm realizing. High cholesterol, and I shop at cholesterol.

The reason I was saying he just had a blood test and that show he's trying to measure his levels, and so it's very much on the brain. I wanted to add one more thing about the meal planning hacks is whenever you can add fruits and vegetables, because what you'll find is that it fills you up, but it's also giving you all those good vitamins that you need, and it's just a lot healthier. You're gonna feel better. You literally will feel better. You know, it's great to take vitamins, but, like, any doctor will tell you, it's better when you can actually eat your vitamins, like when you get that broccoli. And I will tell you this, too. I truly believe that most vegetables, when you roast them in the oven, taste amazing. Yeah, you just put some salt and pepper and olive oil on there. Like any peppers, broccoli, carrots, green beans. I mean, we do it asparagus all the time. That really fills us up. It makes them taste better. I feel like I like them steamed, too, but I feel like roasting is where it's at.

It is. There's still no little Debbie. But it's better. That was good stuff, guys. For more on this, check out our brand new book, Naked and Healthy. You can find that@nakedandhealthy.com really excited about this book. It's not just physical health. It's not just food, but it's really about health in all parts of your life.

Holistic.

It's holistic. It's. There's a whole section on physical health, a whole section on your mental health, whole section on your spiritual health, and throughout the whole book. Health in your marriage is interwoven throughout. So I'm really excited about just the practical aspects of how the principles in this book could help you and your spouse grow in your individual health and your health as a couple as well.

Yes.

But at this time of the podcast, it's time to transition to the Q and A. Thank you. For those who send us questions@nakedmarriagepodcast.com those are the ones that get answered on the air. You can also find us on social media though. For questions off the air, you can find us on Instagram aveandashleywillis or just look up the word marriage on Facebook and we should pop up there. Today's question says this. I have been married for four years and have baby number three on the way. Congratulations. There were many red flags for my husband pre marriage, but he loves God and serves in the church, so I believed the silly notion that everything would work out once we were married. I was wrong. He still smokes and drinks, which has caused havoc on our marriage and finances. He promises to change every time we talk about it, but so far nothing has changed. I am miserable and just want to pack my bags and walk away because it feels like the grass would be so much greener and more peaceful on the other side. How do I keep fighting when I don't want to anymore? Well, it's a great question and congratulations on your baby and that's an exciting time. But I know that when you don't feel safe for whatever reason in your marriage, whether it's safe, you know, physically, financially or safe in terms of can I trust the judgment decisions that my husband is making, it can make that time of pregnancy or just life in general more stressful. Again, like all these questions are, you know, they're very nuanced and us not knowing you or your husband or the whole context of the situation, it's hard to answer completely, completely holistically on this. But one thing I would say is that focus on some things that your husband is doing well that he is doing right. If we only focus on the things that our spouse is doing that seems unhealthy or that we don't like, then that's all we're going to notice. And right now, for you, it's this issue of he smokes and he drinks. And so if you're only thinking he smokes and he drinks, he smokes and he drinks, then you might not see some of these really good things that he's doing. Like, well, is he a good dad? Is he a good provider? Is he encouraging to you? Is he tender with you? Is he compassionate with you? What are those things that you can praise? Because when we focus on the negative, what happens is it puts a negative tone in our words toward our spouse. And maybe that's all he's feeling right now. Like, oh, my gosh, I'm just, you know, I'm being judged. My marriage isn't a safe place for me because I'm always being criticized. You're feeling like my marriage is in a safe place for me because, you know, he's being irresponsible with his health and with our finances to pursue these other things. So I think for both of you to kind of just put the smoking and drinking issue aside for a moment and say, let's come back together and remind ourselves of what. What drew us to each other in the first place and start celebrating the good in this relationship and remind ourselves we're a team and that we love each other and we're for each other, and then build a plan moving forward where we do have some individual freedoms. We might both do some things that the other one doesn't necessarily like, whether it's playing video games. Some people write in and say, oh, my husband plays video games. I wish he would just smoke. That'd be less annoying than him playing video games. I don't want to get too far off track, but I think having a more positive mindset is a starting point that's not to just put your head in the sand about these other issues, but just to start by saying, how do I encourage my husband in what he's doing right, instead of always being quick to point out what I feel like he's doing wrong. And I think that could be a good starting point.

Absolutely. Because, you know, the more he knows that you are for him and you're not against him, the better. Because I do think that smoking and drinking is definitely something to address because not only is it unhealthy, and I believe that this is not like him just Having a beer. It sounds like he's spending a lot of money on smoking and drinking, and it's affecting their finances and probably his behavior because she used the word havoc. And so I feel like, you know, maybe he's angry or he's maybe out of control and not necessarily treating her right when he is smoking and drinking.

That's a whole different issue.

I mean, I don't want to make light of this at all because I can tell that she's hurting and she's fed up and probably rightfully so. You know, I understand that you feel like you're just kind of like, how, you know, I've told you how I feel about this. Why do you keep doing this? So I do think what Dave is saying is right. If you could just encourage him in what he's doing, right? And then as you kind of see him realizing that you are for him, that's when you can just level with him and say, listen, not only is this. You're taking money and doing these things that ultimately are harming you and harming our marriage, but it just. I feel like you're not you when you do this. And I miss you. Like, I miss you. And I love how you are when you are going to church and you are serving in the church, and I love that you're a godly man. But I feel like that really, the enemy's gonna use this ultimately and is trying to use this to bring separation to us and our family and to bring chaos to our family. And I wanna have peace. And, you know, I wanna help you. How can I help you when you come from that position of, you know, what can I do to help you? Is there anything I'm doing or not doing that is causing you to wanna go smoke and drink? And I'm not saying that there is anything legitimate that would cause that, but maybe it would open that door for him to express how he's feeling. Maybe he's having stress at work and this is how he's coping in an unhealthy way. Or. Or maybe there's something really that he hasn't told you that's kind of going on in his mind and heart that he needs to really get off his chest. And that way, it'll really get you guys to open up and have that naked marriage we talk about. And I know these are hard things. And this is. You know, there's a lot more layers to this than we can answer in just a short amount of time. So I would encourage you also to maybe contact one of our marriage coaches. And you can do that by going to xomarriage.com coaches. They're amazing. Even if he's not ready to talk to them yet, you can talk to them by yourself. And I just think that they could give you a lot of encouragement. They could pray for you, and they could also help you to come up with some good next steps. But just know that we're going to be praying for you and for your husband, and we really appreciate your vulnerability in writing this question.

Yeah, great question. And if you feel that your husband is really crossed over from this just being kind of a habit that's a nuisance to being an outright addiction, or if you're listening to this wherever you are and you or your spouse is dealing with addiction, I encourage you to go back and listen to the episode that aired just a couple months ago where we interviewed Dr. Jack D. Bruckert, who's an addiction specialist and counselor, and he had some great insights he did on how to break free from addiction and also how to help a spouse who is. Who is caught in addiction. And so check that out as a resource again, the coaches that Ashley mentioned as well would be another great resource. But thank you for that important question. Thank you for listening to this episode, and we will look forward to seeing you next time on the Naked Marriage podcast.

Hey, listeners, we just want to show you how much we appreciate you listening to the podcast week after week. And we have a free gift just for you listeners. And that is a free chapter from our very new book, Naked and Healthy.

That's right. The chapter is called In Thickness and in Health, which is one of my favorite chapters in the whole book. It's about our misadventures, our wins and our losses, and kind of our journey toward physical health. It has some of my favorite stories in it. And again, we want to give you this chapter for free, just for being a listener to this podcast. So all you have to do is pull out your phone and text Naked Marriage, all one word. That's N A K E D M A R R I A G E to the number 31996. Naked marriage to 31996. And we will send you that free chapter. Thanks again for listening.