Mental Health and Intimacy

Intimacy in any relationship requires us to be at our best physically, mentally and emotionally. For your marriage to succeed and intimacy to thrive, you need to take care of yourself emotionally and physically. So let's talk all about how we can do that.

Yeah, it's going to be a great episode. And for the ladies at the end, we're going to share a tip that I believe will nearly guarantee more emotional connection from your husband. It's a great communication tip. We're Dave and Ashley Willis and you're watching the Naked Marriage podcast.

So, ladies, back to talking about self care. I feel like a lot of times when we hear the word self care, we group it with fitness and taking care. Our self care routines, how we wash our face and how we going to get facials and things like that. That's kind of what we often think of. And for some listening to this, they're like, well, that sounds awesome. I love my self care routine. And I go to the gym and I really take care of myself and I'm feeling good and I'm looking good. But then for. It's maybe been a frustrating quest. I feel like we all have feelings about this, especially when it comes to being physically healthy. I think those of you who are listening and watching where maybe that's been, you know, it's something that you've prioritized your whole life. Like maybe you were an athlete or maybe you were one who was introduced to working out early on and you've really kept that healthy habit all through your life and it served you well. That's awesome. And so I know when you hear physical health, you're like, yes, well, let's talk about it and let's talk about how it affects, you know, our intimacy. But I know that there's some of you watching and listening to this, that you just feel frustrated by it. You're like, listen, I. I've been on different diets, I've gone to the gym, I've done different classes, and I just can't seem to move the needle. And more than that, you just feel like maybe your spouse has lost, you know, like they're not as attracted to you, but yet you're doing everything you can. And maybe, you know, you've crossed into a season of life where it's just harder physically to achieve kind of the health that you like to achieve. I just want to level with you all because I know that we're coming at this from different places. And so, you know, I want to talk first about physical health because it is something that we would be remiss if we didn't talk about this and how it affects intimacy. Right, sweetie? Like, we know that this is something that I think every person deals with at some point or another. You know, it could have been early on in the marriage or it could have been maybe later when they've aged a bit and their body's not quite what it used to be. But I think it's really important that we talk about how do we take care of ourselves and how do we approach that subject and how it affects our intimacy when we're talking about it with our spouse.

Yeah. So good. And we talk a ton about this in the Naked and Healthy book.

Very in detail, but a few things.

Number one, it's a privilege to be able to serve your spouse in sickness and in health.

Yes.

When they're hurting, when they're injured, when they're wounded, when they're just off physically, to be able to walk beside them, even. You know, we had a dear friend who passed away from cancer just a few days ago, and his wife said that, you know, this last month as he was at his worst with the cancer journey. She said it might have been the best month of our marriage. And they've been married for over 40 years, she said, because it just. It allowed us to slow down. And he was always so quick to serve me. It gave me a chance to serve him. And. And just the tenderness of that connection of caring for each other is one of the most intimate, beautiful acts a couple can have, even in a tragic circumstance like that. But it's not that tragic because we know he's with the Lord. He was a lover and follower of Jesus. We know that he's cancer free in heaven and we'll see him again. But still, I mean, obviously so painful to lose a spouse. And our prayers are with Susie. But so when we say be healthy to make your marriage healthy, we don't mean that if you're sick, if you're wounded, if you're injured, it means that your marriage is automatically going to collapse. What we're saying is you've got to do your best to prioritize your health. Steve, he did all he could to be healthy and to fight, but often you can't help the illnesses that find you. And all of us are going to die eventually. Until we get new bodies in heaven, these bodies are going to wear out. But the healthiest marriages have two people who are both committed to their own physical, mental, and spiritual health. And they're also committed to helping their spouse be at Their best. And when the physical health is off, which, I mean, it's been in our marriage, through health, you know, physical health issues, hormonal issues, you lean on each other, you work hard to find solutions. When you've let yourself kind of get really out of shape and you feel like you don't have the energy that you once did, you never shame each other, ever. You never make your spouse feel like you don't love and accept them just as you are, but just for the sake of their own quality of life and longevity and the connection that you're going to have to be able to live life at the fullest. Just help each other to get healthy, like, with whatever that, you know, that looks like one of my best friends, you know, he recently got weight loss surgery, and over the last couple years, he's lost 100 pounds. He's been more active, he's got more energy. And I think that he would say he's a better version of himself for his family making those lifestyle changes. And so when we make changes for health, we're not saying these things for vanity's sake. It's not like I just really want to have. And so I'm going to spend all day at the gym, though. If you have abs, that's awesome. Mine have always been covered by a layer of ice cream. And they're in there. They're just not visible. But just like God, just because I can't see him, I know he's there. It's the same with my abs. I can't see them, but I know that they're there, holding it all together.

I love your abs. Hey, if you do have abs, you know, you just look in that mirror and you just say, thank God for these abs.

Yeah.

As odds are you won't have them forever.

That's right. Yeah. We all have abs.

In heaven, we do have abs.

All the Krispy Kreme you can eat and still have abs. I think that's my theory.

That's true. But I do think we have sometimes some unrealistic expectations that we put on ourselves or we assume that our spouse is putting on us. And I've been guilty of this. After having four boys at different points in our marriage, I've had more weight on me than I would like to. And I was just convinced that Dave probably, you know, was really not attracted to me and was just acting like he was, but he wasn't. And I would say things like that. I'd be like, I'm sorry. I'm really trying to work on this weight. And you're like, I'm loving this.

I'm so attracted to you.

What are you talking about? And I do think there was one time I was working out a lot. I think I was on weight watchers at the time, and I just got. I got too thin, honestly. And Dave was like, I mean, if you love this, I love this. But he's also like, I mean, don't get too skinny, you know? Cause it's like, you know, it's.

There's nothing to hold. Like, I feel like I'm gonna break you.

It's like, oh, my gosh. You know? But you've never judged. Like, you've always been. So you're like, I'm into whatever this is.

Every state. Yeah. You guys let your wife know, hey, if she's petite, you're into petite. If she is full figured, you're into full figured. You know, you're into her. You're into her. And so that.

But you also.

Do you just want her to be healthy?

Exactly. That's.

You want him to be healthy.

Exactly.

And so, yeah, you want yourself to be healthy. The body's a temple of the holy spirit. And so when we take care of the temple, not in an idolatrous way, where we're, like, worshiping the body. And I think some people get too far down that road where they're just so obsessive about what's their very identity, everything they eat and do, and they're just obsessive about it. And I'm like, guys, this body's going to die. You take care of it, but you're turning it into an idol.

Right?

But we should care for it, you know, just so that we can have the energy to do all that God calls us to do.

It's good stewardship and better quality of life, you know, because there are things that come our way that we just never saw coming. And it's not even our fault or anything. It just. You know, we have. There's diseases in this world that sometimes we get, and we don't know why, and it just happens. And so, you know, when that. If that does happen, we have to support our spouse through that, not make them feel bad. I mean, all they need is our support and encouragement, and it might even be physical support, like we're physically helping them get in and out of the bed. I mean, there's a lot of things that can go on, but even that act and just being tender with each other and being willing to help. And in our time of need, when Our physical health is failing leads to intimacy. And that's what Susie and Steve, you know, Steve's wife was talking about and that she was like, even in this past month, we've grown so close, even though it's been, like, the worst month, it's also been a sweet month of our marriage because I've been able to serve my husband in this way and to help him in his time of need. And so, you know, as far as back to physical health, like, just trying to be physically healthy and how it affects our intimacy, you know, I would say, too, when we don't feel good about our bodies, we don't really feel as much inclined to be sexual because we don't feel sexy. Like, we don't feel. Especially women. But I'm sure men go through this, too. Like, if men are being. You know, if they feel like their body's not quite where it should be, they maybe don't feel as attractive, too. I mean, you can speak to this, sweetie. Would you say that?

I think yes. Both men and women can equally have insecurities about their body, especially when it comes to sex. You know, when you're exposing, all right, feeling, you know, you're nude, you're exposed, and you're thinking, is my spouse going to reject me? Are they grossed out by me? And your spouse loves you, and guys and women both let your spouse know that I love you. I'm so attracted to you. I mean, I desire you. Show them that with your pursuit, with your words, with your actions. But also be sensitive to know that all of us carry some levels of insecurities. You know, we've all got parts of our bodies that we don't like. And for most of us, I would say that's true. And we've usually had seasons in our life when we felt more confident or healthier than we are right now. And that's just life. And you have to just kind of roll with it. And through the seasons of life, your sex life's gonna look different. Your physical body's gonna look different. At one of our exo conferences, we did a talk on the seasons of sex, and we've actually done a podcast episode along that same topic. But during the actual original talk at the conference, we had. We had chairs out on stage. We would sit in, representing these different seasons of sex. And I think the visual really connected with people because it just gave visual description to the reality that we understand that sex looks different in different seasons of life.

Right?

And we want to work to make it the best. It can be, but sometimes it's harder, sometimes it's easier. But what can make it at the best it can be most often is when we're doing our part to prioritize our physical health. And again, some things are going to happen out of our control. You're going to get illnesses or injuries that are out of your control. But the more we just prioritize our health, again, not obsessively, not in an idolatrous way, not where we're worshiping food or we're like, we're so crazy into every single thing that we eat that we kind of cut people off from our lives. We can't enjoy regular fellowship with people because we're so, you know, we're so militant about food. I'm not judging anybody, but I feel like that extreme isn't helpful for the greater life that God wants us to live. But we do need to. We need to prioritize our health, right?

And so, like, if you're like, well, I want to prioritize my health, but it doesn't come naturally to me, I would just encourage you to seek out professionals. Like, maybe you need a dietician. Maybe you need to go through some kind of program that will help you learn how to eat healthy. You know, I'm familiar with an app called called Noom. I wish they were a sponsor of the podcast, but it's a really wonderful app for general overall physical health, but also mental health, because it actually is based on cognitive behavioral therapy. And it's really cool. And you guys know I'm a total geek with this stuff because I'm in my biblical counseling program. But it really walks you through, why do I want to overeat or why am I not eating enough and why do I not want to exercise or what? You know, what kind of exercise would be the kind that I would most likely do. And it kind of walks you through all that and it puts you through some different questions and really helps you discover what is sustainable for you. Because I think a lot of times why we never feel like we can get a grip on our physical health is we try to just, like, do something that's not sustainable, like crash diets or we just put an unrealistic timeline on ourself. Like, well, if I am not a size 2 within a month, then I am a failure at life and I'm never going to be loved again. I mean, like, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's like we just don't put realistic. You know, we don't have Realistic goals or sustainable goals. And so I would check out an app like Noom. I would, you know, talk to maybe a counselor. I think sometimes it's really like a self esteem issue where maybe we grew up in a house where our body was seen as never good enough, you know.

Well, talk about the woman that you're counseling, you know, with protecting her identity.

Of course, of course.

But who grew up in this dynamic where she was kind of taught to have this really broken view of food and her body and how that's carried into adulthood.

It has. You know, she just grew up in a home where for some odd reason she was targeted out of her siblings and her mother. I think she was a chubby kid like early on, and her mother found that embarrassing. Like her mother literally found it embarrassing. Now it came later on that her mother was mentally unstable herself. So there was like a mental health issue going on that was later diagnosed. But at that time they had no idea. And so unbeknownst to the dad for a little bit until it, it showed up on her body, what was going on. Her mother restricted her food so much that. And this was when she was, you know, an adolescent that she, you know, became very, very thin to the point of not no longer being able to have a menstrual cycle. And then, and then this stunted her growth as well. And so there were physical effects of this and it was abuse and neglect and that's a whole other thing. But coming, you know, she's come through that. She's an incredible woman. But one thing that we've really been trying to work on is just trying to see herself how God sees her. Because I feel like when you grow up in such a militant environment where you're never good enough, you don't feel beautiful, you, your body itself is like working against you because you never feel thin enough or at the right size, you know, whatever it is, then you're very, very hard on yourself. And it's hard to break those views of ourselves, you know. And, you know, if you're finding yourself there, if you're like, you know, I did, I grew up like that, where I just constantly felt on guard to the point of hating food. Like a lot of times it's like you just end up, food is your enemy because food is what makes you fat, you know, and that's what causes eating disorders. Like, that's the mentality that leads to eating disorders. And I think that kind of mentality, you're going to need a counselor and a doctor really to walk through that with you because it's so ingrained. You know, when we have our automatic thoughts in our brain, it literally makes like a little ridge in our brain, like a neuro pathway. And it's, it's the thoughts that we tend to go to the most. And it's what we tell ourselves. You know, you've heard the concept of self talk, but oftentimes our self talk started as our parental talk, as the things that our parents told us the most. You know, they say that your parents bought voice becomes your self talk. And this isn't to just say everything that's wrong with us or right with us is because of our parents, but it is to say that they do have a great impact on our minds and our mental health. And you know, for people like this amazing young woman who's come through terrible circumstances, she's had to really allow God to renew her mind. You know, they talk about neuroplasticity. You guys have heard me talk about this before. It's basically the ability of the brain to renew itself, to think new thoughts, to, you know, replace lies with truth. And when you look at the definition, you're like, well, of course, it's in the Bible. It says that God will renew our mind. And it says to think on these things, you know, on the things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Anything noble, you know, it goes through these things. And I think we need to remember when it comes to our. And we're really getting into the mental health aspect of this and the emotional health aspect of this. But they all affect the other, you know, because they affect how we look at ourselves, our bodies and different aspects of our lives. You know, if. If we're not believing the right things, it comes out in how we conduct ourselves and what we believe about, you know, our bodies, our relationship, our marriage and everything. And so I think a first step, if you're really, really struggling with physical health or maybe even have like, just maybe thoughts where you're like, oh, everybody doesn't hate food. Like, you know, maybe you're having that epiphany like I thought everybody did, or everybody doesn't love food and just want to eat constantly and feels their best when they're just, you know, binge eating. Like, I mean, there's a lot of distorted thoughts we can have.

Yeah, it is because food is a gift, right? I mean, God gave us taste buds because he meant it to be pleasurable. Even heaven. There's all these pictures in heaven eternally of feasting. And I mean, I think that he, he wired us up to enjoy it and we should enjoy it. But when that enjoyment becomes addictive or obsession. On the binging side, you know, we overeat when we're happy, we overeat when we're sad, we overeat when we're bored. You know, that's really unhealthy. On the other side, you know, when it's like food is the enemy because food makes me hate myself and I can't enjoy it, that's clearly wrong too. And so having a healthy view of food, of your own body as being beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made without worshiping your body, but worshiping the one who created it is so huge.

It is. And then you treat yourself better. It's when you replace those distorted thoughts, those lies, with God's truth that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and that, you know, your weight, like there is a weight range that's healthy, but if you're a little higher or a little lower than normal, you know, within that range because we're all built a little different, your BMI is off or whatever, that's not going to ruin, you know, it can't be something that can wreck your life. It's like, yes, this is information that I'm going to take into account, but I'm not going to live or die by the scale or what the doctor, you know, like the doctor's report that week, I mean, we need to take notes, but we can't let that be our identity. And so I would encourage you, if you do feel like this is a stumbling block block for you to really talk to a Christian counselor, you can go to aacc.net and find a vetted Christian counselor near you all over the United States and the world, I believe. I think that's American though. So it's probably mostly the United States, but they may have some other partners around the world. And that way, you know, you're getting sound advice and someone who has a biblical worldview and who can help you to replace any lies you have about your body, any kind of mental hangups that you have, and they can help you walk through that and find freedom because it does affect our intimacy. I mean, I know, you know, let's shift to mental and emotional health. When I was going through my anxiety and depression years ago, if you've watched this podcast or listened for a long time, you know, part of my testimony was a four year battle with anxiety and depression that happened near the early years of our marriage. It really did keep me. It Was like there wasn't as much of a closeness with us when I was keeping that from you.

Right. Yeah. Well, when you keep anything from your spouse, we talk about that a lot. That secrecy is the enemy of intimacy.

Exactly. But I felt at the time, and like a lot of us do, I felt like I didn't want to burden you with it because I'm like, well, this is my problem. And we have to remember it's never his problem or her problem. It's our problem in marriage. And that includes physical health issues, emotional health issues, mental health issues. And so I believed that life for a while and just tried to kind of. I didn't really talk about it with anyone and I just tried to get through it myself. But that's not how God designed any struggle we go through. We need our community. We need help. And it wasn't until I shared it with you, just out of desperation, that I started, you know, my first step to healing. Because you helped me to get resources that would fill my mind with God's truth and understand anxiety. You helped me to find a good Christian counsel. You helped me to even talk to my doctor about it and get on an antidepressant for a little bit. That helped to raise my serotonin levels. It was a multi pronged approach. But it wasn't until I was honest about it and knew and realized too that, you know, the thoughts that scared me, even if they did scare you, you didn't tell me they scared you, but you just showed me compassion and you were like, I'm here for you, I'm in your corner and you're not crazy. Right. And I think it's just important that we realize that, that we need to bring each other into the hangups that we have and the insecurities that we have. And I'm telling you, that's where you'll really, when you support each other through it, you're going to have so much more help. Like, I think one thing I realized in that season is that I was cutting myself off from like my secret weapon, so to speak. Like my spouse. Just being in my corner with me was one step towards healing. And then his wisdom in helping me to find, you know, coming alongside me to find the other things that supported my healing. It was a huge win for me and it took time to get over this and to find freedom and understanding in it. You know, I'm very careful to say that I've been like, cured of anxiety. I have been delivered from the grip of anxiety. It's not to say that I don't ever get anxious because there's times I'll tell you, I'll be like, I can feel it coming on. Sometimes I understand. Sometimes I have no idea where it's coming from. But what I have learned through my therapy and through fully surrendering this to God is that I am going to be okay. Like, I know my coping mechanisms. I know what verse I am able to meditate on, and just different exercises to breathe through it. You know, maybe sometimes that me having a little bit of anxiety is a. A good, like, warning light to say, hey, you don't have enough margin right now. Like you, something's got to give here. And I. But I've been free from having. I was having horrible panic attacks back then, and. And I've been free from that just for a long time. And I'm so grateful. And I just want you to know you can have freedom from that, too, in healing. And I just want to encourage everybody watching and listening to just talk about it. Talk about these things.

Lean on each other. Lean on the Lord and lean on each other. I mean, like Ashley said, those are our secret weapons. And we're not meant to face death alone. You know, we have a real enemy who wants us to face things in isolation. He wants to steal, kill, and destroy, the Bible says. And he does that by isolating us, making us feel like we have to do it in our own strength, but we never do. We lean on God because we can do all things through Christ, who gives us strength. And then we lean on each other. Because in marriage, every struggle is meant to be shared. And the moment we share that struggle with our spouse and the load lightens and the intimacy. The intimacy grows. Yeah, really is. And so share with your spouse what's going on and be there for your spouse when they're struggling. Not just in the moments that are convenient for you, but in the moments that are important, most important for them. And our presence communicates our love more powerfully than almost anything. Anything we could do.

Yeah. You want to share the tip?

All right. Yeah, here's the tip. One other thing, though. Don't forget our book. I really do feel like our book Naked and Healthy would be a great resource for anybody who wants to grow in these areas.

Yes.

Physical, mental, spiritual health and growing in your marriage at the same time. So check that out. And as promised, here's our tip that will almost guarantee more emotional intimacy from your husband. All right.

Especially if he's having trouble sharing these things. Like, maybe you were watching this and you're like, man, I love to be able to share things. I tell my husband stuff all the time, but he won't share anything with me. Here's a good tip.

Well, this is neuroscience based. You know, men and women are wired up differently as we communicate. Men and women are wired up differently. And a lot of the communication struggles in marriage are from men talking to women as if their wife is a man and women talking to their husband as if their husband was a woman. God made men and women to communicate differently. Men tend to communicate best when side by side and or engaged in some kind of activity. When our bodies are moving, when our hands are moving, our mouth opens up more easily. When we're side by side, as opposed to face to face, we tend to open up more easily. For us, we found this to be true.

Oh, yeah.

We have our best talks when we're on a drive. When I'm looking at the road, holding the steering wheel, glancing over. I mean, I love looking at this beautiful woman, but it's like my mind can be more clear when we're sometimes side by side. Even like now, even as we're recording, you know, I'm able to talk better, being able to look at her, but also look at you guys. It's just how God wired us. I don't know, it doesn't make sense to me, but that's how we are. We go on walks almost every day and have our best conversation of the day when we're in motion, side by side, looking at each other but still looking ahead. Try that out. Try that out. And I think it's going to create some intimate breakthroughs in your marriage.

It definitely will. And this is actually one of the many, many tips that we discuss in this podcast. It's a deep dive into a bunch of helpful tips for communicating with your spouse. Click here to watch it now and click the link in the description, like subscribe and see you next time.