My Needs Aren’t Being Met | Dave and Ashley Willis

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

Good to see you. We're mixing it up today. Normally, we're live from the minivan. Today we are live from the Camry.

The Camry.

That's right. Toyota is not a sponsor of our live videos or anything, but this is just where we are. Just keeping it real on a rainy day where we are. We've been out hiking together, and Ashley's wearing a cool new, like, adventurer explorer hat.

I feel like Dora the Explorer hat.

Which is so cute.

I mean, not that Dora wore this hat, but I do feel like an explorer, like a Hemingway.

Like, you just look so hot in a hat or without a hat.

I just love a hat.

Or in only a hat. I'm just gonna throw it out there.

Like, oh, my gosh.

It's too much. Too much, too much, too much information.

Tell us where you're watching from and what's happening. I know if you joined us last Wednesday, we shared with you that we had been through Covid.

Yeah, COVID 19.

It's a couple.

The coronavirus. We've. We got it about a month ago. We were super sick for, like, two weeks. And if you, you know, we. A video we shared last week is we had just kind of, like, come out of it. It's all about that, like, kind of what it was like. It was a rough experience, but thankfully, the Lord carried us through that. And. But, man, it was. We're.

Well, our kids are well. We quarantined for a long time.

We quarantined.

We did all the things they asked us to do.

We did.

And we're back. And every day we're feeling better.

We are. And so. But you can watch that video if you're interested in kind of the story about that, but that's not what this video is about. In this video, we're talking about a very specific cycle of frustration in marriage. A lot of you guys write us here on the marriage page or you email us, and we read those, and, you know, we read the messages you send us here on social media or on Instagram. We're Ave and ashleywillis on Instagram. If you want to follow us there, you send messages through our Naked Marriage podcast. If you don't listen to the Naked Marriage podcast with Dave and Ashley Willis, while you have your phone out right now, pull up your podcast app and hit subscribe to the Naked Marriage podcast with Dave and Ashley Willis. We are, you know, we love, love the community that's formed around that podcast, and we would love for you to be part of it.

And it's free.

And it's totally free. Our favorite price. But a lot of the messages that have come in recently have been kind of similar, and it's been around this cycle of frustration. And we'll share one in particular. And. And it's a real message, but it also. It parallels a lot of the message we've gotten. And a wife wrote in, and she said something to the effect of, like, you know, my husband is just, like, not. He's not emotionally available. He never wants to talk. He's not meeting my needs.

He's really frustrated with me.

He's really frustrated with me. And kind of through the conversation back and forth, we find that he's frustrated, too, because what's happened is because she. The wife is frustrated with him. She's pulled away. And so she's not connecting with him either, specifically sexually. And so for him, that was his primary need. And he feels like, you're denying me that primary need. And so he's frustrated with her because he feels like she's withholding sex, and it makes him frustrated. But then he's rude to her and disrespectful, which makes her feel, like, not at all in the mood to want to engage in any kind of sexual intimacy because she feels like this guy doesn't even act like he cares about me. And so both of them are frustrated. Both of them feel like their needs aren't being met, and both of them are just going further and further apart. And this is a common story. Like, we hear this kind of story a lot. And so, sweetie, what do we do in marriage when we get in that cycle where both spouses are frustrated? Neither spouse feels like their needs are being met, and we're just drifting apart. And that frustration can lead to anger, that anger can lead to apathy, that apathy can lead to divorce. And we want to help prevent that. So how do we prevent it?

Well, I think the first thing, and I know this seems easier. You know, it's easier said than done.

It is.

But it's so important is that we have to talk about it. We can't act like it's not there. And, you know, when I wrote this wife who wrote me, I did. You know, she didn't actually see, like, I was trying to help her see kind of the relationship between her emotional needs not being met and then the physical needs not being met in her husband. And she was telling me she's like, you know, we have sex, like, maybe once a month. And so, to me, I mean, that is A sign that something's wrong. Not that sex is everything. We talk about that all the time. It's important, but it's not everything. But it is kind of a. It's a good gauge as to how the marriage is going. And. And, you know, and I understand, as a woman, when I don't feel like Dave and I are connecting emotionally, I am not as excited about getting physically intimate. And in the same way, when. When Dave doesn't feel like his physical needs are being met, he's not as excited about meeting my needs emotionally. So it is this catch 22 where what a couple has to do is talk about it and be honest about it. But then you can't be at this place in your marriage where you're both just sticking your heels in the ground and you're just waiting on the other to move. You know, you have to be the one to move. Okay. Because you're not going to go anywhere. And so we kind of have to put on our big, big girl pants, big boy pants, and, like, be the first to promote peace in your relationship. I will never forget, like, years ago, when Dave was a pastor at Stevens Creek Church in Augusta, Georgia, we went to this retreat specifically for pastors. And I remember that there was a session we went to. It was awesome. It was so cool. They were reaching out to pastors and their wives specifically. And there was this guy, and he said, you know, be the first to stop the fighting. Be the first to promote the peace. Do you remember that?

Yeah, I do.

And it really stuck with me.

I do feel like, especially now in the work we do with couples, it takes a spouse. You have the power. Right now, I'm talking about so much power. You as a husband, you as a wife, you have so much more power than you realize.

Yes.

You know, it takes more than one spouse to completely fix a marriage, but it only takes one spouse to start the process of healing. And you might think, well, if my spouse would do this, if he would meet my needs, or if she would meet my needs, then we'd be fine. No, you've got to be the one to go first. You've got to be the first one to stop the fighting. And you know, our example as followers of Jesus, because, you know, we're Christians, whether you're a Christian or not, I think you can learn from this example. He tells us, you know, to love your spouse the way that he loved his bride. The church. And his example of love was completely selfless. It was. He's going to give us our best when we're at our worst, he's going to sacrifice everything, his very life, out of love, to help, you know, preserve that relationship. And then he says, now you be willing to do that. You be willing to go first. And. And so if that means that, like husbands, you know, if you're like this husband who wrote us and you feel like your sexual needs aren't being met and it's making you just mad and irritable and it's, you know, as a guy, I get that. And it can be a woman too, that's sexually frustrated. This is not a gender specific issue. Both genders can experience sexual frustration. But to say, you know what that needs not being met for me, and that's really hard. And that's making me angry because my spouse is the only legitimate source on earth where that need can be met for sex. But I want them to know they're more than just a warm body that meets that need for me. Like, they're my best friend, they're my partner, they're my soulmate, and I want to serve them. And I want their life to be better because of me. And I want them to know how much I love them. Even if we can never have sex again. I want them to know that they're everything to me. And so don't wait for your need to be met before you start meeting their need. If you want your marriage to transform, like Ashley just said, you've got to go first. You got to be the one to say, yeah, my. My need, whatever it is, sexually, emotionally, whatever it is, is not being met. But instead of just waiting angrily for that need to be met, I'm going to go first and I'm going to start serving their need. And I'm going to start doing it selflessly and doing it without expectation of when they might meet mine the way that I'd like mine.

Because the timing is never what we think.

No, it's not.

It's not. But I think it's good to just go to serve. Now, I know that some of you are asking about abuse. We are not talking about abusive situation.

That's a totally different situation.

We're talking about what are the signs of verbal abuse. That's a completely other, completely different conversation. We do have videos about that, about this. If you go through the marriage videos, kind of go through all those. We talk specifically about this. And we are not saying, like, you should just take abuse. That is not what we're saying here. We're talking about there's not abuse going on. Here, you know, it's just kind of a stale season where both of you kind of feel like we've lost that spark. I'm so frustrated all the time, and I don't know how to go forward here. Like, I. There's not been any terrible thing my spouse has done to me. I've not done something terrible to them, but I feel like my needs aren't being met and my spouse feels like their needs aren't being met. That's kind of what we're talking about here. And that is where so many couples, you know, kind of find themselves. And a lot of times we can just get lost. I mean, you know, right now, in this time of pandemic, whether you've had coronavirus or not, there's so much going on, you all, like mental health issues are at an all time high. You know, we have people losing their jobs, we have people just getting cabin fever. We have people who are maybe having to homeschool and they don't feel like they're cut out for it. And so they're dealing with that and they're trying to balance that and balance the relationships, you know, in their home. And they feel like maybe they're not where they should be. And there's just so much going on and we're all feeling so much pressure and I think so. So this whole thing of people feeling like their couples feeling that their needs aren't being met is really at an all time high. I mean, we've received more messages than ever on this particular topic. And so we have to be super intentional. And so, you know, when we say be the first to stop the fighting or be the first to promote peace, it doesn't mean that you don't address the issue. We're saying go ahead and serve your spouse and try to meet that need, but this doesn't mean you don't address it with them. I think that you can come to them too and say, listen, I want to meet your. I want to do whatever I can to serve you and to love you, but I feel so much like you're not connecting with me. Like, I feel like we're not connecting at all. I feel like we've lost this spark. And I. I love you so much, but I don't know how to fix it. Like, I don't know what to do. How can I help in us getting back this spark? Like, what do you think I personally can do? And like we always say on these videos with you, when you use I statements instead of you statements, it Is so it's so much better because it's not accusing. It's not coming from a place of just pointing fingers. It's saying, like, how can I help the situation? And when you come from that angle, it's going to promote communication and not shut it down.

Man, that's good. And guys, listen so often, like, reaching out to a counselor can help in this process. We are such big proponents of any of counseling. We've benefited from it in our own marriage, both as individually, as individually. We've gone to see counseling through individual issues we were facing and. And also as a couple. And so here are a few counseling options to just kind of throw out there to you. Number one, we have coaches at Marriage Today, the ministry that we're part of, that they're trained and amazing at what they do. They can meet with you via phone or Skype. Technology will, you know, make it easier. You don't have to go to somebody's office. You can talk to them individually or as a couple, and they can provide some great, great help for the very specific situation you're in. So if you go to this site, marriagetoday.com coaches, and it's going to take you to their page, which is called Operation Hope, and you can contact them there. Another website I want to give you is. It's kind of like our main ministry website that has a bunch of free resources and some paid resources. All anything you pay for goes back to fuel and fund the ministry to help, you know, help us as a ministry, continue to create resources, help other couples. But a lot of it is free because we make as much free as possible. If you go to X, there's a huge, huge selection of videos, articles, podcasts, you know, a lot of other stuff to help you. One final link I'll give you is for individual professional Christian counseling or therapy. And if you are in a place right now, like a lot of us are, where you're facing, you know, you know, issues, and you just need to talk to somebody. Whether it's because of anxiety, which, you know, frankly, I've dealt with recently, like, when I was coming through Covid, and, you know, our world's going through this pandemic and just all of this tension and division in our world, and then. And then, like, my body is breaking down, like, and I've experienced, you know, I felt more anxiety than I felt like in a long time. I mean, we're just in some really tough times. Talking to a counselor can be so healthy. And so we've got some online Counseling partners that do just a great job and they offer actually a discount, you know, through anybody that connects to them through our ministry. So here's the website for that. It is getfaithful. G E T F A I T H f u l getfaithful.com NakedMarriage and Naked Marriage, of course is the name of our podcast. So they're sponsors of our podcast, which we appreciate and we hope that you'll connect to our podcast too, where we, you know, talk about these kind of issues and a lot of other issues as well. But that's getfaithful.com nakedmarriage so the bottom line is it's good to talk to somebody. You don't have to figure out on your own how to fix your marriage. You just don't have to. The Bible talks about there being such wisdom in seeking counsel, and that can be through an online Christian counselor. That can be through finding a counselor in your area. That can be through reaching out to a trusted mentor. But talk to someone. The voices that you listen to when you're in a tough season in your marriage make all the difference. When you're in a vulnerable place in your life or in your marriage, you got to be so careful who you're giving influence in your life. Because if you're allowing people to speak into your life who have kind of a negative voice about marriage or about faith, that's going to impact you. But if you allow people to speak into your life who are going to speak words of wisdom, that can change everything. You want to share the story of my friend? Yeah, Ashley had a great story. So like, listen to this story. This is, this is important and this is powerful about listening to the right voices and about being the right voices in your own friends lives as well.

Absolutely. So like, I'll tell you the short of it. So years ago I was getting ready to go on a girls trip and which I don't get to do that often, so I was like so excited and I got to ride with my friends. And so we're driving along on like a two hour trip to the beach and it got kind of quiet in the car. We were laughing like the whole time. Then all of a sudden it got kind of quiet and a little sullen and. And she said, hey, Ashley, I want to tell you something because I want you to hear it from me. And I'm like, what's going on? And she said, well, my husband and I, we've decided to get divorced. It's not a big deal. We Both just have fallen out of love. And it's okay, you know, we're going to be okay. We're going to just co parent. We're going to make the best of it, but we've just, you know, we're just going to. We're going to get divorced. And as her friend who loves her and who loves the Lord and who loves her spouse and he wants the best for her marriage, I mean, I was just like, oh, my gosh. You know, and so I, I just listened and then I said, oh, my gosh, you know, I am so sorry. Like, what's going on? Like, has he cheated on you? Like, what's, what's happening? She's like, no, no, nothing like that. You know, we're just kind of. We've grown tired of each other and, and we just, we just feel like there's not really any hope. And I felt you guys, like, more than. I mean, I've had. I've had several moments like this, but not that many. Okay. But this was one of those, like, moments I remember where I felt the Holy Spirit. Spirit literally, like, pressing on my heart saying, you need to say something here. Like, I've given you this golden opportunity to minister to your friend. Now this friend, I want to tell you, she's one of my friends that is super, like a strong personality. She will tell you what's on her mind whether you're ready for it or not. And I love that about it. I love that. But she, she, she will.

That can be intimidating.

It can be intimidating. Okay? And I'm like a. I am. Let me talk about Enneagram all the time. We need to do a whole podcast on that. But I'm like a nine. I'm a peacemaker. Okay? Like, that is my. I want, I want to be at peace and sometimes, sometimes to a fault. Like where, you know, I've had to kind of learn that. Like, sometimes where I don't want to address something because I like to be at peace with everybody.

Yeah.

And I'm a pleaser by nature. And so, like, I'm like having this little, little like, thing going on with the Holy Spirit. And finally, it's like I just felt so strongly the Holy Spirit telling me, you need to say something. This is before I was in marriage ministry, by the way. Okay. So I'm still in my learning time at this time in my life, and I just, it was so strong. Like, you need to say something. And so I, I said, listen, I love you. And I, I'm not judging you you know, I'm not in your house. I don't know everything that's going on. But have you tried this? Have you, have you tried to become part of a group of other married couples who are struggling? Or have you read this book? This book really helped me. And when Dave and I were going through struggles, have you done counseling? Have you, you know, have you, did you know that every marriage goes through struggles? I shared with our own testimony of struggles of when our marriage has gone through hard times and how, you know, it can get to a point where you feel like there's no hope, but there's. So there's hope in Jesus that he can help all of us when we surrender to Him. You know, I really just started ministering to her in a very loving and non judgmental way.

You were just loving her.

And we had two hours exactly. Well, we get to the beach, she ends up sharing it with our other friend. We were meeting there and that friend ends up you guys eventually ministering to her as well. We end up praying with my friend, we end up talking the whole weekend with her and just saying, listen, there is hope. Do not give up. You need to try these things. You know, we are, we are here for you, but we just, we just want to encourage you to try these things and just let God do the miraculous in your marriage and just see what happens, you know, just at least try. And so she went back and she and her husband joined that group at church with other married couples who are wanting to have a stronger marriage and going through hard times in their marriage. And they went to the counseling and they got that counsel and they did the hard work of really hashing out why they got to the place they were in their marriage. And little by little, day by day, month by month, their marriage began to transform. And I remember about a year later seeing my friend and talking to her and just the glow she had on her face saying to me, she said, ashley, I am so glad that you and our other friend on that trip didn't, didn't, you know, just say, just listen to me and say yes to me and not tell me the hard truths that I needed to hear. I'm so glad that you were friends that told me the hard truths I needed to hear and that I needed to fight for my marriage because I am more in love with my husband today than I ever thought I could be. And they went on to actually have another child. And you guys, this was like a decade ago, okay? It's been a decade.

And, and now they're like, happier than ever a decade later. Like, they've got.

Yeah. And they tell everybody that. Like, my friend, again, she's. She's this amazing woman of God. And she will tell anybody. Like, she's one of those. She'll. If somebody came to her saying they're having marriage issues, she's gonna be like, well, have you tried this? You gotta fight for it, you know, and do the best you can to fight for your marriage because you want to make sure that you're. You're giving God a chance to move in your marriage and to do the hard work that it takes to fight for your marriage, especially when you're going through a hard time. And, you know, it's so easy when people come to us and they're having struggles. And even when we're having struggles, it's easy to want to give up. Like, it's just human nature, you know.

It'S human nature to, like, quit anything once it gets hard. Like, as soon as we feel pain, our instinct is just to get away, but we've got to push through. Like, our comfort is the enemy of our calling sometimes. And in any part of our life, usually what God's calling us to is on the other side of our comfort zone. Like, we've got to push through some discomfort to get to that place of breakthrough, or we can experience our best life and our best marriage, but we cannot. We cannot give up. And I'm so thankful that Ashley had the courage and the strength in that moment to speak a difficult truth. And, you know, one of my favorite verses in the book of Proverbs says, wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy will just tell you what you want to hear. And it's yes. Men and women, yes.

I mean, it's another way of saying it.

It's saying, like, a friend will love you enough to speak a hard truth to you. That might wound you in the moment, but it's spoken in love. They're telling you that because it might hurt them to say it. It might hurt you to hear it. But because it's the truth, somebody who doesn't care about you will just. They'll go along with whatever they'll tell you. Yeah, do what you want, you know.

Because it's harder to say the hard.

It's harder to speak the truth.

And let me just make it real, a real big clarification here. Like, me and the other friend who. Who encouraged our friend to get help and to fight for her marriage. That was just one small thing. Like, my Friend and her husband are the ones who did the hard work, you know, And I want you to know, like, you listening to this, you know, it takes you all being brave and you being both doing the hard work to save your marriage. And it's really three. It's you, your spouse, and God. And it's those three things that are that cord of three strands that it talks about in Ecclesiastes that when you are strong, you know, when God is that strongest strand, and you and your spouse are both going after God and surrendering to God. That is what makes a marriage, and that is what strengthens a marriage. And that is what gets through those hard times. And so I don't want to take any credit for that, but I do want to encourage you to be that friend, because I will tell you that it is one small ingredient in the greater picture, that you could be that little thing that makes a huge difference in them walking towards the Lord or walking farther away, or walking towards their spouse or just walking away. My friend, I think about when she ended up having another baby, it brought tears to my eyes. I just was like, thank you, Lord, that child exists. Family. I mean, it's amazing, right?

And now this child who's like, you're.

An awesome, awesome family. That is that, you know, I mean, they walked through the fire and. And they come. They came out the other side and they. They have an amazing testimony. And so that can be you if you're in those hard times. I just want to encourage you with that. I told a longer story. I said, I'll tell you the short of it.

You are great at telling stories.

You are so good at, like, stop summarizing. I want to give details.

You look so cute in your hat, by the way. Like, I just wanna.

I just love hat, you guys. I am a lazy hair person. Like, I just want to throw something on so I don't have to do it.

And this is what I do. Like, whenever she's wearing a hat and she, she.

This is so creepy.

They're like, I get close and then I bite it.

He's like, like an animal.

I can't help it. I just. He's just so cute. I just want to, like, nibble on her. But that's more information than you wanted. That's, like, probably too much. But we love you guys and your family, so, you know, you get.

And you just get it all.

You get the weird details of our lives. So thanks for the comments. I know we didn't, in this particular video, go through and, like, React in real time to, you know, all of the comments.

But we always go back.

We do go back. Yeah, we do go back and read these and.

And you guys comment on them. Like, I love saying that.

How you pray for each other, you encourage each other.

Yes. I want to. I want to say real quick, I've seen several comments where they're like, well, what if.

What?

One spouse is fighting.

Yeah.

And then the other spouse is just checked out. And we talk about this a lot. But do you want to speak to that? Like, we talk about this a lot. It's a really hard dynamic to be in, Right?

Yeah. When that one spouse is. And it is. And that. We could talk for hours about that. And honestly, we have. If you go back to the Naked Marriage podcast and just listen, just kind of start from the beginning and just listen. We address a lot about that because it's. It's a really unique combination of loving that person unconditionally because people need love the most when they deserve it least. People need love most when they're being most unlovable. Jesus gives the example of giving us his best, and we're at our worst, and we're called to do that in marriage. But then at the same time, we're also called to, like, not be a doormat. We're called to, you know, to have healthy boundaries within marriage. And so we talk about that kind of unique and delicate tension of showing unconditional love and compassion and grace, while at the same time expecting and even demanding that there be healthy boundaries in place that can facilitate, you know, a healthy marriage, which does take two people. And so there are going to be times and seasons when your spouse is in a bad mood and give them, you know, the grace to be in a bad mood. But being in a bad mood is not an excuse to be a bad spouse. Once we start being disrespectful to one another, we cross the very. We cross the sacred line, and we cannot. We cannot be disrespectful toward one another. We have to work to meet each other's needs, even in those moments when we ourselves are feeling empty. And that's a deeper issue than we can just kind of dive into with a five minute clip on a video like this. But we've got much more in depth. Deep Dive talks on the Naked marriage podcast@exomarriage.com where we have a lot of resources that address this. Just know that there's hope. If you feel alone in your marriage, you're not. God is with you first and Foremost. And with him by your side, giving you the strength to love your spouse. Even in those moments when you feel like that love's not being reciprocated, something God's often doing something behind the scenes, you know, in the heart of your spouse.

Yes, absolutely. We've seen it.

I mean, we've just seen it over.

That's my favorite thing. Like, and I'm telling you, even in our human nature, there's been times where we've been surprised, like, yeah, there been.

Times ashamed to say it, that marriage is over.

Like, you know, we've been like, I just don't know, like, and God will surprise us. Like, and I. I have seen that. I'm like, praise the Lord, that God is so much greater than what we think and what we see. And, like, I mean, he sees beyond what we see. I want to say real quick, I was looking up. If you guys saw me looking down, I was looking up. Somebody said, what is that? Ecclesiastes verse. And the whole verse is Ecclesiastes 4, 9, 12, where it talks all about. It ends with talking about the cord of three strands. And so it's one of my favorite verses or set of verses. I love that. And it's wonderful, especially in light of marriage. And so if you want to look that up. But you guys are awesome. And thank you so much for listening to us and just being such an amazing community, encouraging one another. Like, one of my favorite things when I go back and I look at all the comments is you all praying for each other and you encouraging each other, and it's just awesome.

Yeah, it really does. It encourages us. And you guys are partners with us in this. Like, we're. We're in. We're all in this together. You know, like, we're figuring things out as we go in our own marriage, and you guys are encouraging us in that, and we're hoping to do the same for you, be an encourager to you. And so thank you for your prayers, for your, you know, your. Your feedback. Yeah, we. We read this stuff like Ashley said. We read the comments. We read the messages that you send us here on the marriage page and on Instagram at Dave and Ashley Willis. And if, you know, if you email us, we read the comments on the podcast. The naked marriage podcast. Yes. Which we encourage you to listen to.

Which I want to say we encourage you to listen to it. But coming soon, in like a couple weeks, right?

Yeah.

You're going to be able to watch it. Okay. You may not want to watch it. You might watching these videos and you're like, I don't want to see those people.

I don't want to see them anymore.

You don't want to listen to us, it's okay.

Which is cool.

But. But if you want to watch it, if you're more of a visual person, you can watch it. So we're gonna make it available on YouTube. So now you can listen to the podcast if you just want to listen. But if you want to go to YouTube, to the marriage Today channel, yeah, it will be available.

Just search Naked Marriage podcast on. On YouTube and it'll come up. And you can already.

And this is brand new.

You can already listen on YouTube. It's just like, you know, like a graphic and then audio. But. But yeah, starting I think next week, all the episodes are going to be video as well. So you can, like, watch us recording it. And sometimes we're going to do interviews and you can see the people we're interviewing.

We have some coming up. We're really excited.

Oh, yeah. Great interview this fall. So, yeah, stay tuned. Subscribe to the podcast. It's totally free. And. And we. We would love for you to be part of that online community.

Yes. Thank you guys so much for tuning in. God bless you. And we will see you next time.

See you next time, guys.