NO SEX? | Live from the Minivan | Dave and Ashley Willis

Hey, guys. We are joining you live from the minivan. And we did a very quick little dinner for this week for our date night.

Yes.

But, hey, you gotta take whatever you. Every little bit helps.

Right. So we are out on the town and quick dinner and minivan video for you guys. So that's. That's what we're doing.

That's right. In a random parking lot. So that's right. I see cars and people going by.

We stop in random parking lots. Because she likes to make out. And.

And Right.

And she does. She won't stay away from me. She just treats me like I'm a piece of meat. And it's very objectifying.

Well, speaking of piece of meat. No, we're talking about sex tonight.

Yes. Which is her favorite topic. It's all she wants to talk about. It's all she thinks about.

That. Yes.

But not to interrupt you, but a couple quick announcements before we dive into.

I can't see. I'm gonna put on my glasses, you guys, because I can't.

The video, what you're saying, it says no sex. And so we're going to talk about when there's no sex in the marriage or when one spouse in particular is just never in the mood and all the different things that can affect lopsided sex drives. And we're gonna kind of talk about a lot of this stuff, but a few quick announcements before we jump straight into it tonight. Okay. Number one is that we're doing on the Naked Marriage podcast. We're doing a series right now on our new book called Naked and Healthy, which is about how to be healthy, mind, body, soul, and in your marriage. It has a lot of tips about your sex life. So check out the book Naked and Healthy wherever you get books or audio books and all that. But also while you've got your phone out, because you're probably watching this on your phone right now, pull up the podcast app and look up the Naked Marriage podcast with Dave and Ashley Willis. It's totally free. Hit subscribe. And there is so much every single week we're releasing new episodes that we've got some great interviews. I'm telling you, this resource could really, really help your marriage.

Yes, we're really excited. And like, stay tuned. We do have some great interviews coming up. We're not necessarily an interview show, but we've had just whenever we, you know, Dave and I both are people that we just believe that God will bring certain people in your path. And this season he has really brought some interesting people into our path. And I know, it's by no mistake, you know, I don't believe in coincidence. I believe that it's, it's God, you know, bringing these connections. And when I, when we meet someone that we know has a message that could help you, we want to put them on the podcast. And so I'm really excited about some of the interviews. Well, really, all of the interviews that we had, there's not that, you know, again, it's not, it's not interview driven, so it's kind of sprinkled in there. But I think you guys will really enjoy those. So.

And we talk a lot about sex on the podcast.

We do a lot. Yes.

So check out.

Let's get to it.

I know the Naked Marriage podcast. You're like, enough with the ad. So again, though, check out the book called Naked and Healthy by Dave and Ashley Willis. And check out the Naked Marriage podcast, also with us.

Yes.

And if you're on Instagram, one final thing, we've been doing a lot more on Instagram and so that is necessarily on Facebook. Right. So it's. We are at Dave and Ashley Willis all spelled out. Or just search for our names and it'll pop up and you can join us over there. So. And thank you. Justin and Lauren Scott said, I love your podcast. Game changer for our marriage. Just celebrated 10 years. Congrats, decade.

Wonderful.

Congrats, Justin and Lauren.

That's so great.

And yeah, I've got to lean in. My eyes are kind of getting to that point where I, you know, even after lasik, I've got to lean.

Laser eyes is what I call them. But yeah.

So.

All right, so let's talk about. I, you know, we put the time.

One last announcement.

Yes.

Last week, this beautiful woman.

Yes. Or was it last week or two weeks ago?

Last Monday. Was it last Monday? Two Mondays.

I think it was two.

On March 1st.

So long. I don't know.

On March 1st, which was very recently.

Two weeks ago, I think.

Yeah. Yeah. She turned a big birthday and we just announced, and we don't lie about it. 40. I know she looks 20 or she is 40, so, I mean, you are just amazing. You have the wisdom of a 90 year old. The looks, you, you look still somehow like a 20 year old. I don't know how this happens.

That's not true. But it feels good when you're 40. Yes. The glasses are making me feel really 40, you know, just.

You're rocking, you're rocking.

I can't read anything without my glasses. But that's neither here nor there. So sex, let's talk about sex. Okay. We entitled this video no Sex question mark with a bunch of emojis with all the different feelings. Because let me tell you guys, we hear from men and women who say, my spouse, you know, I have this higher desire for frequency. And for whatever reason, my spouse, it's not even just the frequency, but they just are never in the mood and then it causes a fight. And I don't want to make my spouse feel like they've just got to do this duty for me. I want it to be mutually, you know, enjoyable and, and it causes a lot of friction. And gosh, you guys, like, this is such a common issue and we, we often refer to it as lopsided sex drives. And most marriages, this is the case like one person, one spouse, and it could be the man or the woman, you know, has a higher need for frequency and a higher libido. And then the other spouse, it's not that they don't like sex, but they have a little bit lower sex drive. And so what do we do with that? I mean, that's what we're going to talk about tonight.

Yes, that is the million dollar question. And you know, we, there, there are, first of all, there are so many different nuances as to what can cause this. And a lot of them, you know, a lot of them aren't anybody's fault. And so it's just like it can be how you're wired. It can be physical exhaustion.

Yes.

It can be hormonal imbalance, mental health. Yeah. It can be a lot of different things. But the bottom line is sex needs to be a priority. You know, when both of you are physically able bodied people who are able to make love, like you need to prioritize that aspect of your marriage. And if you don't, what happens is the spouse with the higher drive will start developing a lot of resentment and frustration because the marriage is the only legitimate place on earth where that sexual need can be met.

Right.

And so if the spouse with a lower drive is just like, I'm not in the mood, so I'm never going to meet it, then the spouse with a higher drive is going to like, just live in frustration. But if the spouse with the higher drive is always like pressuring and shaming and all of that, then the spouse with the lower drive is going to feel like, you know, I'm just, I'm never measuring up. And it creates this, this gap and this tension. And so for both spouses and just like a lot of issues in marriage not just, you know, your sex life. A lot of issues in marriage you really need to find ways to like serve each other, to communicate, you know, about what you need, what you want, but at the same time really, really respect and affirm one another. And a few kind of very practical things for the spouse with the lower drive. You know, I would say be open to, be open to intimacy. Be open to sex even when you're not necessarily feeling it all the way.

In the mood, right?

Because if you say, well, I'm only going to do it when I'm fully in the mood, well, think about your whole life. Like how many things in our life would we never do if we only did it when we're fully in the mood? Like 99% of what I have to do as a dad, I would never do if I only did it when I was fully in the mood. If I, I would never brush my kids teeth, I would never put them to bed, I wouldn't like, because a lot of times I'm not in the mood but I'm like, but this is what they need and I'm going to serve them in the right way.

That's what I need to do.

Like maybe your need isn't sex, it's communication. How would you feel if your spouse only communicated with you when they were fully in the mood to have a really in depth conversation? And the thing is, the less you do things, the less often you feel like doing it, whether it's sex or communicating or anything else. And so sometimes we have to lead our feelings instead of following our feelings. And it's more nuanced than that. We'll talk about a lot of the things than just, you know, but just as a starting point that is true. Be willing.

It's a hard truth. And I know those of you watching this, you know who do have the lower sex drive. A lot of times when you have the lower sex drive drive and you feel like your spouse is just constantly asking you to have sex and you get resentful about it, it's usually because you don't feel like maybe your need for communication or for feeling loved is being met. And you know, they want this for.

Me, but they're not meeting any of my needs.

But they're not willing to talk to me or willing to do the things that I would love for them to do in my life. Not just for you, but just to join you in and just in that part of your life. And so, you know, a lot of people are coming from that standpoint and Then you do feel used because you're like, I'm just this, like, body this. You know? And of course, your spouse who has the higher sex drive doesn't probably see it that way, but you're like, I'm just fulfilling this need that you have. And granted, you know, it is a need that, like Dave said, I'm just going to reiterate that biblically speaking, we are the only legitimate people that can fulfill that need. It's meant for marriage. It's supposed to be beautiful. But, you guys, there's going to be times throughout all the seasons of marriage where we're not Both spouses may not necessarily have all the feels of wanting to have sex in that moment. And what you'll find is the longer you go without it, the more resentful you become. And you don't even realize what it's doing to you. Because God made us as sexual beings, and we all need it. I mean, we do to different degrees, but we all need it. And you may not even realize what you're missing out on, but what happens is we get angry and then we blame our spouse, and we're like, it's because you're asking me all the time. You never even give me the chance to initiate or you never talk to me.

I don't.

You know, I feel like I'm just being used by you. Or, you know, you never are willing to do it. Like, I. It's my number one need. And you're never willing to have sex. I feel like I have to beg you. You know, we hear from people like that, they're like, I don't want to feel like I have to beg my spouse, and I don't want to feel like I'm using them. Like, I don't want to feel that way. And, you know, I just want to give this. This little kind of side message. You know, there's a whole other video we could do on. On marriages that are sexually abusive. We are not talking about that here. That's a complete other issue. So I know some. You know, every. We always have people who comment on that. And that's a whole other issue where you're taking advantage of each other. Someone's being forced to have sex. Totally different issue. That is abuse. We're not talking about that. We're talking about just when. When one has a higher need and the other doesn't, and it causes a lot of friction. And so, yeah, I mean, it can be. It can be like a huge. I mean, I was just talking to someone recently, where it's the issue, you know, And. And it's like. It's just like every time the spouse would ask this person to do it, they're like, okay, I guess I will.

Yeah.

You know, and I feel used. Right.

And so it just.

And they're frustrated.

Yeah. And I'm not saying you can never have a quickie.

A quickie can go a long way.

Too, just to, like, you know, help. Help the one that really needs it. And, you know, you're like, not feel. It's like, you know what? Let's just have a quickie.

Quickie's fine. But it's not.

But that can't be all there is. That just can't be all there is. Because sex is made for you both. Sex is made for both of you to connect, to experience that enjoyment and pleasure. And if sex in your marriage is only about one person's gratification, and then. Then that's gonna. Then that's out of balance. Right? That's out of. I'm not saying it can never be a quickie, but both people need to prioritize making sure that they're being sexually fulfilled. So we've talked about, you know, the person with the lower drive, some of the things. And again, if it's a. If it's a hormonal issue, like, frankly, I've had this. Guys, like, in our new book, Naked and Healthy, we talk about health mentally, physically, spiritually, and talk about sex life, talk about all of it. I've got a thyroid issue that went undiagnosed for a while that, like, messed with my testosterone levels. It messed with, like, every part of me until we kind of figured it out and got it under control. My sex drive, for the first time in my life had plummeted, and it was a weird time, but I was like, I'm gonna do everything in my power to make myself as healthy and virile as possible. And so there are solutions out there, guys.

We talk about it in the book. I mean, there's a lot of different solutions. I've gone through that in my life as well. You know, I get questions all the time from. From moms, you know, who maybe recently had a baby. And right after you've had a baby in that first year, your hormones are literally all over the place. And. And it can really. Cause, you know, it's just.

It's.

You're insecure about your body usually, and you're. A lot of people are nursing, and then there's all that, and it's just it's kind of messy and you can, you can not necessarily feel like you want to do it. I mean, you have like another human being on you for a good portion of the day, right? And you're like, these are working breasts. Don't know if I want them to be sexy breasts tonight. Like, I'm just being really honest working breasts, you guys. Like, I'm just being, you guys know, we're going to just bring it to you. Really honest. I've had four boys. It, I get it. Like, I totally get it. But I remember there were times where I just, I just, sometimes I was like, I have got to help myself get into the mind space to feel romantic. And I remember Dave telling me one day, and with one of our kids, I can't remember. I mean, it all is kind of a blur. But being like, listen, I am willing to do whatever you need me to do.

I'll clean the house, get you like, watch the kids, I'll rub your feet.

I will take the kids somewhere for.

I will do a sexy. To give you male strip tees.

Like, I, I will do whatever you need, you know, And I, and I, it's so sweet. And I think that's where we all, we kind of need to get there. Like, listen, what can I do to take this off your plate? And this is not necessarily a male or female issue. I mean, it's not just after having a baby. It could be, you know, maybe a husband is in like a super stressful season. Like, it could be like you're taking care of aging parents. It could be that you, you know, have a really hard work life right now. Or maybe there's something else. Maybe you're going through mental illness. Whatever it is. As spouses, we have so much power, you guys, we have so much power to bring peace, to help facilitate peace for our spouse. And I think so many times we get so wrapped up in our own needs that we forget, like, well, maybe there's a reason that they're not feeling it. Like, maybe there's a reason.

And again, this comes back not only to your sex life, but I'm telling.

You, every part of your marriage will.

It will, it will benefit if you'll do this one simple thing. And it is always believe the best in your spouse. Believe that their intentions are good and their motives are good. But what happens is if you're sexually frustrated or frustrated in any parts of your marriage, there's a temptation to think, well, she doesn't care or he doesn't care.

They're Just trying to hurt me.

I'm working way harder than they are, or I'm in this alone. And if you'll choose to reframe your thoughts, to say, you know what? They do care.

They're hurting.

They're hurting. They're doing the best they can, but right now, they're in a difficult spot. And this is an opportunity where I can serve them, where I can maybe be the strong one and the relationship, not to, like, domineer over them, but to serve them, to be that shoulder that they can lean on, to help them. And there are certainly going to be times where they can be the strong one for me, because there are going to be times when I'm weak, but I'm going to choose to believe they want the same thing I want. They want this marriage to work. They want to be partners. They want to be best friends. They want to be lovers. They want this marriage to thrive. They want our sex life to be awesome. And for whatever reason, they're struggling in whatever area. And so instead of punishing them or making them feel worse about what they're feeling, and it's like, I want to serve them right now, and I want to bring out the best in them with my words. And so just speak life to each other. Do everything with love. And that's not just a Hallmark card. That's straight out of the Bible. Whatever you do, do it with love. And love just isn't a gushy feeling. Love is a commitment. Love is an action. Love is a choice to serve someone and put their needs ahead of your own. And if you'll do that consistently, I believe not only will your sex life improve, but every part of your marriage will improve.

It will. You know, we had somebody ask, like, well, what if my spouse has a low sex drive, but they're kind of unwilling to go to the doctor. And I want to say this. And I. And we hear this all the time. This is very common. Is. It's embarrassing to them. I think that they feel embarrassed. And, Dave, you were there, like, when you were having the thyroid stuff.

Yeah.

And it started hitting you. Even though, like, we work with couples, like, and we had. At that point, we had worked with couples for years.

And listen, I love.

It was like, pride, you know, I love.

I love sex.

Yes.

I love. You know, but for the first time in my life, I went through a time where I was, like, apprehensive, and I felt anxiety about sex anxiety because I had performance anxiety, which I never thought I would have because my testosterone was so low. But I got to the point where I'm like, I'm. I'm not gonna stand aside and just let my anxiety take over me and. And push this woman toward, like, you know, going and buying a vibrator or something. I'm sorry.

I don't know why you thought that would happen, but.

No, that's not your thing.

Being sad, maybe.

Yeah, being sad. Like, I want her to be so fulfilled, you know?

Well, I think you just. It was a pride. Like it.

But it was a pride issue as a man.

Like, so embarrassed.

It wasn't embarrassing for men and women.

Yeah.

This is not a gender specific issue. Like, there's, you know, it's embarrassing to go and feel like you're getting help because something, you know, something's not working right or things are off. It's very. It's an intimate issue.

It is.

But for the sake of so many.

People, deal with it. So many people.

You got to be honest. You got to be real.

You guys. Like, that's why. I mean, we're. We're, like, putting it all out there for you guys. Like, even our own families, bless their hearts, they don't want to hear about this.

Our moms watch this.

Our mom's watch my sister and his brother.

We love you guys. We're proud of you. But it is so weird for us to hear you talk about orgasm, you guys.

But let me tell you, I wish someone had been this honest with me. Like, I. I mean, we've talked about everything. I'm gonna be real honest with you guys. Sometimes it's your birth control method. Sometimes your birth control method is killing your libido. And this was my experience. I do talk more about this in the book, but, like, sometimes, mentally, it affects you. Like, there's different birth controls, the pill form, the patch form. I don't even know if they have the patch anymore. I've tried them all, because I literally have tried them. Mess with your hormones, they all mess with me. I couldn't do it. And then there's certain condoms where those can irritate you and make it where it's unpleasurable because it hurts you. Like, it literally hurts you. And, I mean, I know I'm probably getting a little TMI here, but, like, that's. That's a real issue. And sometimes we get embarrassed and we're like, why isn't it working? Like, I just. Like, I saw someone on here say, we waited. We did all this stuff. And, you know, it's. I'm assuming they're saying it's not quite right. And it's like, you go through all this, and they're like, what is wrong with me? We start, yeah, the enemy wants you.

To think, oh, there's something wrong with me.

But there's nothing wrong with you. Like, it's just life. Like, we. It's just finding what works best for you.

You might have an allergy. You might have a latex allergy. Condoms irritate you. You might have an allergy to the lubricant you're using. Or maybe you just need lubricant. Maybe that's maybe something that you need.

What is it? Safflower oil or coconut oil, which are more natural and won't irritate you, like KY Jelly. And we're just being like, very, yeah.

You can do it.

KY Jelly is fine for you.

Cooking aisle, man. You can cook it up at home. And.

And, I mean, we're just being honest.

I'm telling you. Coconut oil and liquid. Coconut oil it is.

It's an amazing solid that turns to liquid.

It's an amazing lubricant. It's cheap, it's natural. It rarely is an allergen.

And safflorosame. I mean, make sure, you know, make sure you don't have an allergy to any of those things. But. But yeah, I mean, some people. People don't talk about it. They think like, oh, well, I'm allergic to this thing we got on the shelf. That's supposed to be a lubricant. So I guess I just cannot use a lubricant. But that's just not true. You know, I guess a lot of people don't talk about these natural lubricants because, again, they're cheaper.

And, yeah, they want you to buy their overpriced, you know, thing. So, guys, there are solutions. Like, we just want to have honest conversations to let you know there are solutions for whatever you're facing. But what you shouldn't do is just give up and say, well, sex just isn't for me, or it's not a priority, and my husband or my wife needs to just deal with that instead. Say, like, no, we're gonna. We're gonna work, prioritize this marriage, and we're gonna find solutions for the sake of our marriage, for the sake of each other. We're go to. We're gonna seek out those solutions, and we're gonna get real and get honest.

And again, probably more than you wanted to hear, but, I mean, hey, we're here for it, you know, while you've.

Got your phone out again. To help you guys continue in these conversations, pull up the podcast app. Look up the Naked Marriage podcast with Dave and Ashley Willis. Hit subscribe on itunes, Google Play, Spotify, anywhere you get YouTube. Look it up on any of those channels. We've got a new YouTube channel. You can, you know, search Dave and Ashley Willis. There's. And just subscribe to those things. Those are all totally free. If you actually, if you want to buy something, you can buy the new book Naked and Healthy.

I'm sorry, I'm laughing. So Jenny just said my husband, my hubby just bought me chocolate cake. That is a good husband move. That's amazing.

Yes.

Chocolate cake is awesome.

Yes. That's a good aphrodisiac right there.

Aphrodisiac.

That's what I was thinking just reading the word chocolate cake. I'm excited to put you in the mood.

I'm blowing you guys because chocolate is my love language. Okay, so I want to say something really quick and we actually, I can't go into detail about this, but on the podcast we have something. It's earlier the podcast, but it's called Sexpectations part one and two. And on one of those we actually interview a physical therapist who is an expert in the pelvic floor. And this is something that I had not really heard about until this lady. And I thought, man, I could have really used her help back in the day, especially when I was having children.

This is for. It affects for females in particular, it's like painful sex.

Painful sex. Not being able to have an orgasm.

Vaginismus, which is vaginismus. I didn't know a lot of these terms were.

Or if you happen to after having children, you have a lot of like accidents. It helps that too. So it's a lot of things that can really make you feel like, gosh, I don't know if I, you know, if I can have sex and enjoy it. They address that like I didn't even know that existed. But it's things like that where that is her whole job. You can actually, if you listen to that podcast, she has an amazing Instagram page too. And I don't want to butcher the name of it. So if you go to that sexpectations. Do you remember which part it is? Part two, maybe.

Yeah, if you listen to them both, you'll quickly has all her info.

But like she gives. I follow her on Instagram. She gives all these like just really practical things. And I, I know it sounds weird. People are like, what do you mean? Is she. Like, what does something like that do? They're professional. It's like a doctor. I mean, you know, they help you.

That cluster. The pelvic floor is the cluster of muscles that make up essentially the whole gro area. And for women in particular, you know, when. When those muscles are, you know, too.

Tight or too loose.

Yeah. It can create pain during sex. It can create, you know, a lot of things that are completely treatable. And so instead of just living with that and feeling like, well, no, just sex isn't for me, or it's gonna hurt every time.

No. I've had friends who've gone through this kind of method.

Yeah.

And, like, revolutionary.

Yes.

I mean, it's.

There are solutions.

I'm telling you.

Whatever you feel like is wrong with you or wrong with your spouse or what. There are solutions, and there's nothing really, truly wrong with you. It's.

That can't be, like, inherently. Like, I'm just not made for this. Like, when we say there might be actually a problem that is off that you can fix, but what Dave is trying to say is, you're not damaged. Like, I think that we start to believe the lie. Like, well, I guess I'm just not meant to enjoy sex. I'm just not a sexual person. Like, we tell ourselves these things, and that's just not the truth.

Somebody just asked, how do you help pelvic floor in that episode with the physical therapist? Pelvic floor specialist. She talks about specific exercises that you can do that include, like, you know, there's all kinds.

Like, kegels. I mean, when we have babies, any of. Any of you who've ever been pregnant or had babies, they talk about kegels, but they only talk about that in pregnancy. But really, those are valuable afterwards, too. And so they go through all those different things. It's not just Kegels. I know that word's kind of a weird word. Even saying it, I'm like, it just sounds weird, but it helps people. So I'm willing to say it.

Say it again.

I'm like, my mom is probably watching this.

Like, I am vomiting, barfing somewhere.

She's like, what is my daughter?

Somebody earlier said they love your outfit, and this shirt is from your mom.

My mom got this from, like, probably a thrift store. We are big thrifters. We love the Goodwill and Salvation army and consignment shops. So she's, like, the most amazing shopper. So, anyway, yes. Thank you.

Hey, guys. Thank you for your kind words again. We want to keep these conversations going. And so here on Facebook we do these videos and it's really just to start the conversations. But we have a lot of resource to help you really dive deeper in these conversations and those resources again where you can take your next steps. Or look up the podcast, the Naked Marriage Podcast with Dave and Ashley Willis.

Yes.

Check out our brand new book, Naked and Healthy. I thought I had one in here that I could just show you, but it's not here. But just naked and healthy.com you can get on Amazon.

Somebody said, like, I don't really love Instagram. Do you have a Facebook group? That lady, I'm totally drawing a blank. I know it's Genesis, Health or something to that effect. If you go to the show notes and you find her name, I guarantee you she has a Facebook page.

Yeah. So look up that.

It's her whole life, her whole life's work.

The Naked Marriage podcast. And it's Sexpectations, which was a two part.

One of the parts. Yes.

Listen to those. And all of her information is there right at the beginning. You don't even really have to listen to the whole episode, but you'll want to because it was so enlightening.

Yes, it is. Well, thank you guys so much for tuning in. And I know that we aren't able to get to all the different questions, but we do look at this. And a lot of times you guys help each other. So thank you for being so awesome and for not only helping each other and commenting on the different comments, but also ending positive in that way. This is such a mostly positive page. I love that in a world where that's not true all the time. So I am so grateful for you guys and how wonderful and encouraging you are. But also, if you have any prayer requests, as always, we always look at this and not only are we praying for you, but this whole community on marriage is praying for you. So we just love you guys and we appreciate you taking the time and we hope this helped you.

Thanks, guys.

Bye, guys.