Putting Your Marriage on Hold | Dave and Ashley Willis

We read all the books. I mean, we really did. But even if you read all the books, you're just never quite prepared. And every. Every child is so different. And they, you know, they're going to follow some of the norms, but they may not follow some of the norms, you know? And I just remember feeling so inadequate. And in that whenever we feel inadequate, that's when we can get real scratchy with people. Okay. And especially with the people that we love the most that we're closest to.

I'm excited about this particular season. I'm excited about every season of marriage because every this season of marriage, with the love of my life by my side, is an adventure, and I love every minute. But this season, the season of young kids, and we're kind of talking like 0 to 10, I guess, or 0 to 12, because we're going to have teenage kids next week. This is a season that we've been in for a long time. We've had at least one child in that window for a very long time because we had our first kid almost 18 years ago. He's a senior now in high school, getting ready to graduate and leave the nest. And then we also have a second grader, right? So, like, we've got. We've got the full spectrum. So for the last nearly 18 years, we've had at least one kid. That's pretty small, just the way we spaced them out. And there are a lot of lessons we can learn from this. I'm super excited about next Monday's episode because we're interviewing our illustrious producer, Eric Randall, his amazing wife Mikayla, and their precious, maybe the world's cutest baby girl, Raya, might also make an appearance. So especially for the YouTube audience, you're gonna want to.

You want to see this beautiful baby. She's so British.

It is too much cuteness. In fact, I want to spend the rest of this episode just talking about how cute Rhea is as a preview for next week. So there might. Might not be a lot of marriage insights you get, but it hurts her cheeks and it's her little smile, and she's so cute.

I know.

Oh, but we miss that stage. I do. I miss that stage. I miss that stage. But the young kid stage, there's a lot of good, but it can also be exhausting.

It can be hard on your marriage.

It can be hard, really hard on your marriage. In fact, according to some surveys, the really young kid phase of marriage, like, you know, 0 to 5, I would say many couples mark as the time where there's the least amount of marital satisfaction.

I mean, I totally get it.

Because they're exhausted.

You're just tired. Yeah, exactly. And, guys, excuse my voice. I'm drinking a medicine ball tea here. If you're on YouTube, you see it in my amazing XO mug. Check out Exo Press coffee shop in our new building. As soon as it is open, you'll.

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It'll blow your mind. And you can get one of these things. But I'm just under the weather a little bit, so excuse my voice. What was I saying? So, yes, it is a hard season for your marriage because I think it's, like, all hands on deck, you know, even if you just have one baby. Just the fact of, like, adjusting to one baby, I just remember that being. Honestly, for me, personally, some will disagree with me on this. I think going from zero children to one child was the hardest on us because it was like our. We were the first in our families. We're both the oldest in our family, first to have children. Hadn't really been around a lot of kids. I nannied some elementary schoolers before we got engaged, but that's really all the experience I had with kids. I hadn't really been around babies. Neither had you. So we were literally like the blind leading the blind. I mean, I read baby wise, which is like, you guys are probably like, that's an ancient book. But, like, back it was written on stone tablets. When we read it back in my day, it was how you got your babies to sleep and the feeding schedule and all that. And I know there's much more to all that these days, but we read all the books. I mean, we really did. But even if you read all the books, you're just never quite prepared. And every. Every child is so different. And they, you know, they're gonna follow some of the norms, but they may not follow some of the norms, you know, And I just remember feeling so inadequate, and in that whenever we feel inadequate, that's when we can get real scratchy with people. Okay. And especially with the people that we love the most that we're closest to. And I just remember trying to navigate, you know, having one baby and then very soon after having another baby. Like, we had our first two very close together. We. We just were, like, knee deep in literal, literal poop. Okay.

Yeah, a lot of poop.

And just. Just the, you know, some of the gross stuff that you deal with with babies. And just trying to navigate breastfeeding. And breastfeeding is hard.

Spit up. Smells like poop smell. It's like.

Yes. No, it really is.

It's nasty.

And. And poor Dave. Like, you've had several. You had several moments of like. Like you're bouncing the baby, and then all of a sudden.

Right. Are you even a parent until that happens?

True.

I mean, that's just. It's love. And it's a picture of God's love for us. He's this perfect father just holding us and, you know, and we just yak on him. And he loves us.

Oh, my gosh.

He does. He loves us.

He still loves us.

He still loves us.

And I do think it gives you perspective being a parent, but I just remember us just being so exhausted, and it's really hard to find time for a date night. And I remember, you know, we moved in the midst of this. I was 8 months pregnant when we moved for the first time as our little family. We moved from Kentucky to Georgia. And not knowing a soul, literally did not know a person. I had to get a new OB GYN because I'm getting ready to give birth. I had to. We had to find babysitters. That was something Dave was very much like, we have no family here. We don't know a soul. We're gonna. We're gonna be proactive about finding babysitters. Cause we wanna prioritize our marriage and have a regular date night. But it was hard. It wasn't easy. And you just, you know, we all do it. Like, we get through it. But I do think there's some things we learned in that season that we can hopefully help, you know, those of you in the midst of that in this season, kind of. I don't know, some that we learned by trial and error. Right, sweetie?

A lot that we learned by trial and error. I mean, by the time the fourth one got here, it's a totally different experience.

Totally.

Yes. So if you just keep having children, you'll learn a lot. Like, that's the thing. I mean, if we had four more, I think by number eight, we would really have this parent thing down.

We might.

I don't know. We might. So some of the lessons as it relates to your marriage especially, so it's not just the parenting lessons, but really all of these seasons of marriage talks is like, how do you keep your marriage strong in the season? And I think, like I said at the beginning, this is maybe the most difficult season in keeping your marriage strong? But every season has, again, unique blessings and unique opportunities, but also unique challenges. Some of the challenges of the young kids season is, like, we've already talked about exhaustion, just being out of. Out of rhythm, and your life having a massive adjustment. And every part of life has to adjust massively and how to support each other in that. Because what can happen that can drive a couple apart during the young kids season is that you both just, in an attempt to get everything done, you just divide up who does what, and it very quickly becomes, like, his stuff and her stuff, and like, she does this, this, this, and this. And then, you know, he does this, and, you know, he's maybe the breadwinner in that season, and he's gonna go off to work and he's gonna do that, and. And he's doing his thing, she's doing her thing. And then it puts you guys on a path where you feel like you're running parallel to each other instead of really running in sync to each other. And then also there can be some resentment there when you start keeping score, like, well, what I'm doing is harder than what he's doing, or what I'm doing is harder than what she's doing, or I'm doing more, or I shouldn't have to do that because I'm already doing this over here. Instead of both people having the attitude of, like, I just want to do whatever it takes, and I want to serve to serve my spouse, make life easier for my spouse. But when we're. Because we're all selfish by nature, and when we get exhausted and feel like, you know, we. We're doing more, it just makes us feel prickly and everything else. And you just. You can't keep score. You have to just. You have to just dive in and serve. Because chances are both of you are working really hard.

Absolutely. And I'll tell you this. So I remember kind of in those early years of raising kids, Dave and I, like, really early in our marriage, both decided that we wanted me, if at all possible, we wanted me to stay at home for at least a season. We had both been raised by stay at home mothers who also worked in and out. You know, they would come in and out of staying at home, and we just. We really thought that was so beautiful. If you can do it. I know a lot of people can't financially swing that, but at the time we were like, let's just make sure that financially we can get ourselves in a position to where we don't get dependent on my income. I taught before we actually had children, and so we didn't depend on my income and, and made sure that we could be a one income home, at least for a season. And so we, we dove into that. But where we were living at the time when we had our first child, there was literally no stay at home moms around. Do you remember this, sweetie?

Oh yeah. You remember that?

I mean all my friends work full time, you know, I had my, my mom, you know, who I could go hang out with, but I, I just didn't have any other stay at home moms in the same season of life. Very isolating. And then when I would be in groups with other kids like later in the day and the moms would say, oh well, what do you do? And then I felt like I'm just being very honest. I think a lot of stay at home moms go through this and I would feel inadequate just saying I'm staying at home with my child knowing that this is a full time job in and of itself. And I just felt a little bit like I'm not seen here and I have no one that I kind of can relate to and they can't relate to me. And I just, you know, to be very honest too, I was just in a vulnerable state where I just, I didn't quite know my identity as a mom and as a wife in that season. I was kind of trying to find my footing and whenever you're trying to find your footing too, we can get, you know, kind of in a mood towards our spouse. And I remember there was just a lot that we talked through in that season and Dave was so affirming and he would say, listen, we both said this is what we feel called to in this season. But if you want to work, I mean, I support you working or if you want to get a part time job or do something from home, I support you. I want you to feel at your best and I wanna, I want us to be in this together. I don't want you to feel like this is all falling on you and that you're just lonely. And it just, it was so refreshing to me to hear that. And I really, over time, you know, especially when we moved, I found more people in Georgia, just in our community who, who were, either, you know, worked part time or stayed at home. And I think that helped, you know, just having a little tribe, so to speak. But you know, and just having other people I could get with and have little play dates with and that really helped. And also I think I probably could have done a, even living in Kentucky and looking for playgroups. But at the time, I just didn't know what I was doing. And I think part of it is just not knowing where to turn. Like, I didn't know the community sitters and YMCAs had groups like this that they every week would have people meet with. And I didn't know that till kind of later on. A lot of it's just, I don't know, hindsight is 2020 and. And so, like, my. My suggestion to any of you, stay at home moms or even stay at home dads who are watching or listening to this, try to find your people. Like, I mean, obviously your people are your family. You know that that's a given and that needs to be like, your closest people. But being at home, it can be isolating at times. And you want to also give your kids, you know, other kids to kind of interact with and have that, you know, the social aspect of things. And so look for people that you can hang out with and something to look forward to every week to where you have those. Those spots in your week where you're going to engage with other parents and really, you know, kind of have that solidarity. Because I think that's what I was really looking for. And for a while I couldn't find it. Nobody was, like, mean to me or anything. And I'm not, I'm not trying to act like I'm some kind of victim because truly it was a privilege and an honor to be able to stay at home during that season. Oh, yeah, it absolutely was, 100%. But I just want to recognize those who are doing it because it is hard. You guys, I've done both. I've worked full time with small children. I have worked part time with small children. I've stayed at home with small children. And I'm telling you, all of them, all of them are super hard.

Yeah, for sure. It's not.

There's not an easy walk through this, you guys. I mean, it is hard stuff for different reasons.

You moms, rock and dads, everybody.

It takes all of us.

And so just support each other in that. And for those who are choosing to stay at home, be affirmed in the sacredness of that. My very favorite Christian writer, a guy named C.S. lewis, he has this quote, and I'll probably butcher it, but he said something to the effect of, the homemaker is the most important profession. In fact, all other professions exist to. To support that profession.

I love that.

That was profound to me because I thought, yeah, that's it. I mean, the sacred work of raising young Children and being available to them. It's so, so important. But be open to helping your spouse be at their best. Because sometimes maybe you have a spouse where you feel like, oh, well, I had a stay at home mom and so you might expect your wife, I want you to stay at home. She might not have any desire to.

Do that and or be wired for it.

Pressure her into that could create a lot of animosity and tension. And you have to help each other to really thrive and be at their best. And don't squeeze your spouse into a mold that you've created that comes from your own preference or your own past, but instead together. Talk about what's this going to look like for us? And it's trial and error. Like Ashley said, there were seasons she was at home completely. Others that we just desperately needed some additional income because we were broke. And she was so resourceful. You know, she was just, I called her my ebabe because there was a time where she would like buy stuff and resell it on ebay. And she was always looking for ways to just use her creativity to be resourceful. She started an interior design business because she's a great interior designer. She could have her own HGTV show. She's that good.

I don't know about that.

She would help other people do design work for them. And it allowed her to flex some of those creative muscles and get her out into the workplace a little bit and building relationships. And it also generated some income which really needed and it gave me some time to be alone with the kids, which is important too. Like it shouldn't be one spouse that's always getting all the one on one time with the kids. You got to have balance there. But then you also have to make sure again, coming back to marriage because it is the naked marriage podcast after all that, you get into a rhythm where you don't put your marriage on hold. I think one of the biggest mistakes that couples make in this season, the young kids season, is they just, without saying this out loud maybe, but they sort of come to this agreement that we're going to put our marriage on hold while these kids are little and we're going to just pour into them and it's going to be all about them. And so many couples do this. And then what happens is the kids grow up, you become an empty nester. It's a moment of crisis because you've lost your whole identity, your whole life was wrapped up in raising and you don't know who you are apart from that and then you look at your spouse and realize, I don't even know you. I'm not even sure I like you. Apart from the fact that we were just co parenting and there's all this divorce that's happening among empty nesters. It's really, really sad. And so one of the best gifts you can give your kids is the gift of letting them see a thriving marriage. Let them have the security that comes from knowing mom and dad love each other and they like each other and they prioritize a date night. And yeah, your kids will get upset when you have a babysitter come over. Kids get upset, that's what they do. But they'll get more upset when you know you're in divorce court someday. So don't get to that point. Support your spouse and prioritize your marriage and whatever it takes. Make time together a priority. Even if it's. If all you can afford in this season is putting the kids to bed early and letting them know it's your bedtime. You don't have to go to sleep right yet. You can read a book or whatever else, but it's mom and dad time and we're going to go to our room, we're gonna pop some popcorn, we're gonna have some time and this is our time and that is so, so important. And let your kids know that's what's going on.

Absolutely. I mean, I cannot emphasize that enough. And I just, I remember in those early years of raising kids and even now with we still have some young children in the home, I so look forward to date night. Like right now, Mondays, we call them Mondays because they've become Mondays when we go on dates and the kids know it's Mondays, mom and dad time. And, and we just love that because, you know, it is something, it's a rhythm of our family, but it's something that we really look forward to, to decompress, to just have fun together, remember why we first fell in love. And I think especially when you have, you know, babies and toddlers and, and even early elementary sometimes that can be. I know for some of our kids, we have some strong willed ones where those were. You know, early elementary can be kind of tumultuous because all of a sudden they're in school and they're trying to flex, you know, they're trying to find out who they are and they can be a little difficult and it can be hard on the parents too. But I remember especially during those times needing that date night, like needing to, you know, to have that on the calendar. Just knowing that's on the calendar and that we have that to look forward to would help us get through hard weeks. And also it would help us to have those conversations we needed to have. And so definitely, if you're not already doing that, make sure that's happening.

So, so important. And guys, like we said, tune in next week because we're gonna continue this conversation with Eric Randall and Mikayla. And we love talking to couples who are in these seasons right now. I mean, we're in it, but they're like, in the trenches. They got like a little one little precious baby ray. And so we're going to talk to them. We so appreciate the work our amazing producer Eric Randall does, who's here right now. And also our new senior video editor, Taiwan is with us. So this team is just awesome. Taiwan's engaged, so he's in the right place.

He is.

He is getting all the good stuff at XO Marriage. This is marriage boot camp. He's going to be the most prepared husband ever. Hey, thank you guys so much for tuning in. Do us a favor. If you haven't already subscribe to this podcast, leave us a review. If you're not connected to us on social media, go to Instagram right now, go to aveandashleywillis. We've been putting a lot of great marriage content over there. We'd love for you to be part of that, that aspect of the online community as well. And thank you so much for tuning in. We'll see you next.