Should I Marry Someone Older than Me? | Dave and Ashley Willis

Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And we are continuing on in our series about opposites in marriage. And today, we're talking about age gaps. And you guys have written us on Instagram, Ave and Ashley Willis many times asking for more episodes about this. So today's episode is for you.

Yeah, it is just for you. And stick around to the very end because I share a story about a dear friend of mine, a story I've never shared before, a friend that just passed away recently, sadly, but whose marriage taught me a lot about just how beautiful it can be when there's a significant age gap in marriage. But the two couples really learn to work together, serve each other well, respect each other, and it's a story I don't want you to miss. So let's dive into today's episode continuing on in Opposites in marriage, one of the most common opposite dynamics is when there's a significant age gap, older versus younger. And depending on the size of that age gap, it can create some unique challenges. Unique. Just, you know, unique dynamics, definitely. But yet this is very common. You know, it's not uncommon anymore for there to be 10, 20 or more year age gap between a husband and a wife. And you can have a healthy and vibrant and thriving marriage. And it's not always the man being older, I think the stereotype and, and certainly probably statistically more often when there's an age gap, it's the older man, younger woman. But more and more, we're seeing that equalizing a little bit. Very much so with, with older women, younger men. And regardless of, you know, regardless of the. Which gender is older, whenever there's a significant age gap, I think it does create a unique dynamic. I know Ashley and I have a significant age gap.

We do not.

She's really. We're like two and a half years apart, but the way our birthdays fall, she's way into the whole generational thing.

Like, I'm not way into it. I just. Way into it, you guys. I'm not way into it. I promise, way into it.

And so she.

I just looked at a chart on.

The age chart tells me that, that I'm generation X technically, and she Gen Xer is technically a millennial.

No, I always have identified as a Gen Xer. That's what they called us in high school. But I. Okay, listen, well, I identified. I was born in 1981. And there are a lot of charts that for Whatever reason, they include 1981, but it cuts out.

And I'm 78.

And he's 78.

October 26th, 1978, if you're interested.

But you guys, like, when I said this to my friends who are, like, only three years younger than me, like, oh, my God, you're not millennial.

You're, like, so old. And.

No, it's funny because my sister, she was born in 84, so she's, like, for sure a millennial, you know, but that is neither here nor there.

We're from different generations.

Well, I like to tease it that way.

There's a big generation gap between us.

I'm like, you're too old to be in my generation.

So we're from different decades.

So I know. I love it. But I'm not way into it. He thinks I am. Just because I know. Because I said our kids are considered centennials, and you looked at me like I had a third eye and was obsessed in, like, an occult about generations.

I just like teasing you about it. That's the next opposite, when one of you is way into generation and one of you is not. So I love it. I love everything you're into, because I'm you.

Well, and I love talking about this age gap thing, because we actually happen to have a lot of couples that we are friends with who have a significant age gap.

Both older women, older men.

Absolutely.

And I mean, of course, younger women, younger men, depending on. Well, you get the idea. And they've all in our lives. Our friends seem to have great marriages.

They do.

But they also have had to learn to navigate certain things and even joke about kind of how even their pop culture references are different. And even some of their, like, shared experience when they're referring back to, oh, yeah, I remember when we were in high school, and it's like, oh, wait a second. We weren't in high school at nearly the same time and almost making jokes about it, but just learning to appreciate and understand each other's unique experiences, knowing that it's not the same as you. You weren't growing up at the same time. The world was different, perhaps as you were growing up, but you each bring a unique perspective. And I think anytime there's a potential power dynamic where one spouse takes on the role of being kind of more powerful in the relationship. I'm the one. I'm more knowledgeable or I'm more this or more that. That can be that. That's what is really the issue here.

Right.

And the age dynamic, the danger is for the older Spouse to be, like, take on a parent role. Almost. Like, I'm older, so I know stuff, or, you know, I had more money coming into the marriage or whatever it might be.

And so I've lived all this life before you life.

And, like, I'm. So I'm really the one in charge. Like, you know, we're. You're. We're technically partners, and I love and appreciate you, but really I'm the one who is in charge here and knows what's going on. Or it. It could even be reversed. And the younger one could kind of like think, well, I'm the one with the energy.

You're just old.

Yeah, you're just old. Like, I'm the one with the energy here, and I'm the one that's actually able to get out there and do stuff. And you're the one who's. Who's, you know, falling apart on me and having all these creaky bones and health challenges. And so I'm really.

I'm going to make more decisions and I'm going to. You know, we've seen it go both ways, right? And I think the main thing here is just like, with any part of marriage is having such a deep respect for each other that you watch what you say. Like, you're not going to say or do anything that's going to belittle your spouse. And, you know, when you walk into a marriage where there is a significant age gap, you walk into that knowing that some people aren't gonna get it, you know, and every single one of the significant age gap relationships, kind of the people that we know, their families and their friends at the time, didn't necessarily understand why they, you know, basically wanted to get married because there is such a significant age gap.

Right. What do you have in common?

Yeah, like, how do you even have anything in common? I mean, there's 16 years between you or there's 12 years between you, or 25 or 25. Like, we've. Where there's 25. And that can be really hurtful because you're like, oh, my gosh, God brought this person to my life. And yes, I didn't expect to marry somebody significantly younger than me or significantly older than me, but this is my person, and it can feel like that. I think out of all the opposite dynamics that we will discuss in this series, I think that what others say that is felt by this dynamic more than any other dynamic, because I know that there's some dear friends of ours where when they. The woman is older than the Man. And when they were first dating and engaged and getting married, they had a lot of people questioning them. And I think trying to defend your relationship constantly, that'd be exhausting.

It would. Yeah.

And I think for women, it's unfair, but more women get, like, if the woman gets older, it's so unfair.

If it's the older guy, everybody's just like, man, way to go. How'd you snag her? You know, you lucky dog. But if it's an older woman, people treat it like, oh, you cougar.

Cougar. Yeah. I mean, it's terrible.

Yeah. Double standard. It's not right.

It's not right at all. And it's just not true.

No.

You know, I feel like once you reach a certain age, age just doesn't matter as much. It really is more about the person and their personality, their love for God and, you know, the people we know that found each other and there. There's a big age gap. They. They. You would never. Like, when you spend time around them and you get to see how they interact, you don't even think about that. Like, you don't. You're not constantly, like, in a conversation with them thinking, yeah, there's all these years between them. Like, you don't think that because you see the love. You see how they relate to each other.

I don't know with any of these couples in our lives. You know, I mean, I think about, you know, one couple who was, you know, part of this ministry, and now they've, you know, recently planted a church together and done all kinds of great stuff. And when you're around them, I would.

Never even think about an age gap.

He is significantly older than her. But when you're around them, you don't even think that. Like, you don't even know that because you just see, like, these are two people who really love each other. And it's partly because he tends to have, like, you know, more energy than people half his age. But that's probably part of it.

Yeah.

But, you know, even beyond that, it's really what you notice is that they just love each other so much.

Exactly.

And with any marriage, like, that's what it should be. That's what we should notice, and that's what we should celebrate. And no couple should feel like they're second class or that they're alienated or whatever because of, you know, anything that makes them a little bit. That makes them visually a little bit different. And I think, you know, interracial couples sure have dealt with this in the past, thankfully, I think that's changing a lot. A generation ago, there was, I'm sure, even so much more that couples had to walk through when they came from different cultures, different races, where just visually you could look and say, okay, there's, there's a difference now, you know, thankfully, I think times have changed. There's been more inclusion, and I'm sure there are still challenges. And we've got friends that, you know, that talk about that. Our friend Narup, who speaks at all of our exo conferences, who is a family immigrated from India and he married, you know, a white girl from America. And they talk about just kind of some of those challenges of an intercultural marriage and an interracial marriage. And they make, they're an amazing couple with four beautiful kids and they lead a church together in Denver and just do wonderful things. But they do talk about how sometimes there's, it's a challenge, there's some tensions there just from coming from different worlds.

Sure. And I think even with age gaps, there's that, too.

Yeah. You come from different worlds.

In some ways, you're coming, you know, from different generations sometimes. And even with that, we forget that family. So, like, not only is there an age gap between the spouses, but the family of origin, you're talking even, you know, they're going to be different too, because your in laws, you know, if they're, they're going to be like significantly younger than your parents and may see things different than how your parents would.

Or you might be the same age as your in laws.

You might be. We've seen that. Yeah.

Which creates just kind of a unique dynamic of.

Sure.

And I mean, we're going to have dinner tonight with friends where the husband is significantly older and they've got a great marriage, thriving marriage. They're wonderful friends, wonderful people and great encouragers of us in this ministry. But that's probably something that they talked.

About, how they had to navigate family.

Dynamics because he's closer in age probably to her parents than he is to her. And just the dynamic of all of.

That, you got to navigate it just with a lot of grace. We use that word a lot on here on the Naked Marriage podcast. But just having grace for all involved. And I think too, you know, we do get messages from people who are in a marriage where there's a significant age gap, and it's usually from, excuse me, from the person who's a little bit younger or a lot younger, and they're maybe at a crossroads where their spouse is aging and they're starting to.

Feel the effects of that age.

Exactly.

Because when they got together, there was still, you know, they essentially felt like equals in terms of their, you know, sexual attraction or all those other things. And now this older person, their energy is going down, their sex drive's going down. This younger person's like, I'm feeling like I'm prematurely becoming a widow or widower or something.

Right? Yeah. And it can be really hard. And I know. I've heard from, you know, like, recently from a wife who dearly loves her husband, but she's like, he's not wanting to do stuff anymore. She's like, you know, we had such a vibrant life together, and I don't think he has, like, an illness, per se, but it's just that he's aging and he's like, no, let's be at home. More like he's. He's retired. And he's like, I just don't wanna. I don't wanna be as busy. And she's like, I feel like I'm coming into the prime of my life. I think she was in her 40s and he's like, in his 60s. And she said, but I don't wanna miss out on the prime of my life. You know, how do I navigate this? And I would say, you know, in that situation, we've just gotta be gut level, honest. We have to say how we're feeling and say, listen, when I married you, I knew. I knew, you know, I know how old you are. I know that there's a gap here, but would it be okay if we could find some kind of compromise where we're both getting what we want here, essentially, like where we're both getting some rest as you move, you know, in.

This phase of retirement, things that we can enjoy together.

Exactly.

But maybe I have some freedom to go out with the girls a little more often.

She didn't get specific about the things she's wanting to do, but it might have been some career choices or. Because when someone retires, they hope they really want their spouse to be close to retirement because that's when they want to go and do maybe the travel or just have the freedom in the day to go do whatever they want and not have a work schedule holding them down. And she was like, you know, I've got all these goals and I've got all these plans, and I think there's got to be some kind of compromise there where you both can come to an understanding where you're both feeling heard, feeling seen, and can make some decisions where you both are able to. To get what you need, you know, And I know it's a little bit tricky, but I would say to the spouse who is significantly older and you're kind of getting more settled, maybe you are moving into retirement. Remember, though, how you were when your younger spouse was your age. Or I'm sorry, remember how it was when you were your younger spouse's age. And in your heart of hearts, you don't wanna take that away from them. Right, Right.

I mean, marriage means wanting the best for each other in every season, whether you're the same age or there's a vast difference. Just wanting the best for each other and decide what is the best for you in this season and how do we get that for you? And then what is the best for us in this season and how do we get that for us? Knowing that every season is going to have unique challenges, unique blessings, and just be willing to embrace that.

Yes.

And keep working through it and talking through it. And I thank you for those who have written us about this. I think it's a great topic, an important topic, and so many people are in this dynamic.

Yes.

And there's not a lot out there about it.

No, there's not. I would say another place where I think this can become kind of a point of contention or you can really feel the effects of this age gap that you have, maybe between you and your spouse is when it comes to children. Where we get a lot of people writing us is when one spouse has maybe grown children when they're coming into the marriage, but they're marrying someone younger who still has young children in the house. I think that where we've seen this become a real issue is when the spouse, you know, who is significantly older really has forgotten what it's like to have younger kids in the house. And they. They kind of have it in their mind, like, I just hope these kids grow up fast because.

Yeah, let's get. I'm already here. I've grown kids, I've checked out.

And you guys, you can't check out like, you're that step parent and you have a unique opportunity to love those kids and to be. You know, I love the term bonus dad or bonus moment. You have a unique opportunity to really love them in a special way, to encourage them while they're growing up. But if you don't do that. Okay. And you're just constantly just, you know, put off by them and just loathing the fact that they're children, they feel that they really Feel that. And the couples who do this, well, they recognize, like, yeah, you know, I'm past that time of raising kids. But, you know, again, you know, who you're marrying, they're going to have those kids. It's just like with any blended family. But I think that when there's a gap and you've already raised the kids, that's where they, there's a lot of frustration. But you have to realize that you're, you know, when you chose to marry your spouse, the kids are coming too. Okay.

And you gotta embrace that. I, you know, and I'll kind of tell one more story. I recently did a funeral for a dear friend of mine. His name was Rudy.

We love Rudy.

And Rudy died. Judy and Judy, they're wonderful couple. They've been part of our events in the past. They came to one of our early retreats and taught dance. Rudy was just one of the most full of life people I ever knew. And he just passed away at almost 90 years old. But he lived a full life, man, right up into these last few years when he had dementia, sadly. But all the way up until then, he was teaching dance and he was growing a garden and marrying people and doing all kinds of stuff. And he and Judy were just such a great match. But he was significantly older. He was, I would say, at least 20 years older than Judy. And when they first got together, I would guess he was probably about 60, and Judy was probably in her late 30s or so and had a teenage daughter at the time. And so Rudy was long past.

He had already raised kids and he.

Could have just checked out and said, you know what, I'm done. Let's just like, you know, three or four years until we get her out of the house and let's just move on. But he fully embraced that role of being a father to this girl and loving her and being there for her and hearing his stepdaughter speak at his funeral about the way that he stepped up and gave his best and was just fully there in a season of life when, you know, he could have easily just checked out. It was so touching and it was so challenging to me to, you know, to live life to the full and embrace every season and to be there especially for the kids, the step kids, any kids that God brings into your life, that is a sacred duty.

Yeah.

And they, they just made it work well. And so having done that funeral recently, that's one that was fresh on my mind. In fact, Judy gave me a cowboy hat and a belt buckle. That was really meaningful. To Rudy and I, I. Those things are treasures to me. I put that hat on sometimes and.

Yeah, you know, so sweet.

Just. It's just really a treasure. But anyway, it was a reminder about how it can be done. Well, that couple with a pretty significant age gap, that they were partners through it all. They did things together, they started a business together, they did life together, they enjoyed every minute together. And he stepped in and raised that daughter like his own. And I just thought, man, that's something to learn from.

And Judy had such a sweet respect for his sons because he had grown sons. And there was just, you know, again, I think we keep on coming back to respect and grace, and it's just got to flow, you know, really, in any. It doesn't matter what kind of age gap you have. You know, just in every marriage, we've got to have a lot of love, respect, and grace for each other. And especially though, when there is kind of this. This large age gap and. And. And you throw in blended there, you know, which is Rudy's situation, there's a lot of layers going on and a lot of things to think about, but it can be done well, especially, you know, having love, grace, and respect for each other, but also really having God at the time same. And that's really the difference maker there. And so, you know, I hope you learned something from this. We know there's a lot more we could talk about here. I wish there were more books on this. You know, we get a lot of questions about age gaps throughout, you know, on Instagram, I would say probably every week I get a question about this, and they're like, please do more episodes about this because it does come with some unique challenges. It does, but it doesn't mean just because there's challenges doesn't mean that God can't make something beautiful out of it. And so I hope you felt encouraged today by. By what we talked about in the episode.

And thank you for writing us on Instagram, Ave and AshleyWillis or on Facebook or wherever you write us, because your feedback, your questions, they really do help shape these episodes. We do these to serve you, and so let us know what you need to hear more of. And if this was meaningful to you and you've got people in your life in this dynamic, share this episode with them and hopefully it will encourage them too. God bless, guys. We'll see you next time.