A short premarriage teaching segment by Dave and Ashley Willis about dividing household roles in marriage. They recommend assigning tasks based on each partner's strengths and preferences, outsourcing when helpful (e.g., laundry service, housekeeper) to preserve peace, and emphasizing mutual service, humility, and regular conversations to prevent resentment. The hosts use personal examples (who cleans toilets, laundry, bills, diapering, bedtime) to illustrate flexible, non‑gendered role division and encourage not keeping score.
Chapters
Hey, we are Dave and Ashley Willis from the brand new video course called Preparing for I Do, which is designed to help you build a solid foundation for your future marriage. You can find the whole course and all those resources@premarriage.com but today we're going to talk about one of the hottest topics, one of the most controversial topics you might face as you prepare for marriage and enter into marriage. And that is roles, Specifically, who's doing what, you know, who's cleaning this, whose job is it to take the trash out, who's cleaning the toilet, who's paying the bills, and how do we decide who does what and find unity around it?
Well, I think, and this is not something I've come up with, but Dave says this all the time. I think you have to start with who's better at it. Okay, who has just a better propensity. Maybe they're more detailed in that specific task and talk about that, like who's better at xyz and then go from there. Now you might be saying, oh, that's a loophole because you're going to act like you're not good at anything.
She's way better at cleaning toilets than me, so I'm not going to think.
I mean, she's so good at it. And none of us really want to be amazing at that. But I will say this also talk about who actually likes doing this specific task more. Like, for example, we'll just tell you a little bit about us. I actually like cleaning my house. I'm one of those people. I know it's weird, but it kind of brings me peace. And I am a little bit anal retentive about my home. And I like knowing that I'm the one doing it, getting in there. Because nobody's going to clean your house like you, Right? But there's no shame in getting someone to help. So, like, if this is a sticking point for you and it's like a constant fight and you feel like, oh my gosh, he's making me do this again, or she's making me do this again. And it just constantly causes an argument that is a great time to just put some money aside and invest in a great housekeeper because that's going to bring you peace. And I'm telling you, it is so worth the investment. Your marriage, it's worth the investment if that's going to bring you peace. And so with us, you know, I do like cleaning our home, but there was a season where we were really busy with our work schedules and the one chore that I absolutely loathe is laundry. And so I, Dave and I would try to balance it. We've got four kids, and so it's constantly a lot of laundry. They never want to wear their jeans twice. I mean, I did that growing up. I don't know why they don't, but they don't. And so it's constant, constant laundry. And he was like, listen, I know this is becoming kind of a sticking point between us, and it's really stressful. Why don't we find, like, outsource this and find someone who can maybe, like, you know, do a wash and fold for us? And so we found a local company that comes and picks up your dirty laundry and delivers it two days later, all folded and hung up, and you just put it away. And it was blissful. And we used it for that season. It's been a peacemaker in our home.
It was for that season. It wasn't long. We did it for probably a year. Budgeted for it worth was a great investment in our marriage. But we've also had to make adjustments because there've been a lot of seasons in our marriage where we didn't have the funds to do something like that. And we just had to figure out and make it work. And we would just divide it up and I mean, early on, I remember early in our marriage, I did bathrooms. And I remember early in our marriage, you know, I said, well, I'll take this. You take this. You know, I kind of handled the bills just because I just kind of enjoyed being able to keep track of that part more. But we were both in the loop with all financial decisions. But it was like, somebody's got to kind of run point on this, but. So I'll take that. And you just divide stuff up not based on. Well, you know, men are supposed to do all this stuff. Women are supposed to do all this stuff because that's. That's not factoring in the God given giftedness that God's given you each and so in our marriage, like, Ashley's way better at a lot of stuff that's traditionally masculine. Like, she's got all the power tools in the house. She's the one who can. I mean, really, she's good.
I enjoy it too. I grew up with a dad who.
Taught me these things, and I'm terrible at it. Like, my toolbox.
Terrible's a strong one.
Looks like a child's fishing tackle kit. And it has, like, two things in it that I'm not even sure what they are. Like, I'M just not really good with tools. I've learned through the years, but she's still way better. And, you know, and I'm. I'm good at other things that maybe, you know, other guys aren't. And we just try to play to each other's strengths instead of ever, ever shaming each other. Like, why aren't you good at this? Why aren't you good at that? But build each other up. Look for ways to support each other. Look for ways to serve each other. And the biggest part is just don't let your pride and selfishness get in the way. You know, the causes of divorce are not, you know, and not big, huge things. The causes of divorce are the little things, pride and selfishness, which really aren't little at all. They're massive. And that's the voice that says, I don't have to listen to her. I don't have to listen to him. I'm going to do things my way. And that's just the way it's going to be. But you got to have the humility and love for one another to just say, how can I serve you in this situation? And that might be a chore you normally do, but right now you're tied up with other stuff. I want to serve you by doing something that's not technically. Technically on my list, so to speak, and just. Just serve each other. You're on the same team.
You know, there should be no task that is beneath you. Everybody, it's all hands on deck all the time for a family to work, because eventually many of you will have children. Maybe you have children going into your marriage. Everybody's got to do their part. And we tell our boys this, too. You know, they help a lot with the chores. It's not. I don't want to give the wrong impression. It's not all on me. But I run point on that. Like, I'm the one running point on how to get this house clean. But we all pitch in. There's never been a time where I've asked Dave to do something and he said, that's beneath me, or, that's your role. Never. Because we know that we've all got to pitch in. Same way. He's family choret. He's asked me. We have family chore day, right, where everybody's pitching in. Dave, after we had children. This man has probably changed more diapers than me. I'll be honest. He's amazing.
I'm pretty awesome at it. He really is like the four butts. Over 15 years multiplied out. I mean, it's thousands. I don't want to brag, but my form, my speed, timing, I'm pretty sure I can do it one handed start to finish.
You totally can.
Yes. So, you know, I don't want to brag, but it is something that I just kind of took on.
You did, and I didn't even necessarily ask you, but he just, he wanted to start. She was doing so much.
She's doing so much. I'm like, this is something I can do, right? This is something that this isn't. This is just something I can do. And this is a way I can serve my wonderful wife. And she's changed diapers too. But that is one area where I'm like, she's doing a lot. This is something I can do. I can figure this out.
Also putting kids to bed. I know I would get to the end of a long day after having an infant and Dave would do bedtime routine. And any of you who have kids, you know exactly how hard that is. It's a hard thing. It's beautiful. But it's actually turned into this sweet time when they get to have time with their dad. And so you just have to be willing to pitch in no matter what and really talk about like, okay, this would really help me if you did this. And how can I help you? I mean, really come from that standpoint of how can I make your life easier? Because I want to make sure that none of us feels like we're doing more than the other. And we recently had this conversation. I'm always saying, like, sweetie, I never want you to resent me. I always want to make sure that we're both pitching in, not only with the children, but with work, with finances, with management of just everything in our life. I want to make sure that neither one of us feels resentful, but that we all feel like we're giving and as much as we can in serving one another. And you know it's going to change throughout your time together. But every time that you monitor and adjust and you always are willing to have that conversation is going to be a time where you're more unified. So be willing to have those hard conversations about things and don't keep score.
Don't be like, well, I'm doing 60%, you're doing 40%. Both of you give 100% and both of you serve each other and everything will get done. As we talk a lot more about this in the course preparing for, I do check it out@premarriage.com. we hope to see you again real soon.
