What is Submission in Marriage? | The Naked Marriage Podcast Q&A | Dave and Ashley Willis

Well, that leads us to the Q and A time of today's episode. And again, thank you for those who send in questions@nakedmarriagepodcast.com and also write us on social media, you can find us Dave and Ashley Willis on Instagram and also find us on Facebook. We'd love to connect with you there. Today's question is this. It says, I really enjoy your show and I'm so thankful I stumbled upon it. My question is, how do you feel patriarchy and submission play into the roles of husband and wife? As a husband, what kind of authority and biblical headship do I have? Question. It is a great question. This is something we've talked about in more detail in a variety of places, past podcasts, videos, videos, YouTube. Right. So we have talked about this, and it is in today's world. In today's world, we look at, we look at the Bible as true and unchanging and relevant to every part of life, and also understand that the time in which it was written, the place in which it was written, was a very specific culture and time. And so the truth of it is unchanging. But we look at some of what was happening in the Bible in the time, in the culture and the place, and saying what is equally applicable to where we are today. The passage that, that this person's referring to comes from several places in the New Testament, specifically Ephesians, Chapter 5 and a few other places as well, where God lays out a model for marriage, where a husband is listed as a head, Christ is the head of the marriage, and then it says, and the husband should be the head of the wife, and the wife must respect and even submit to her husband. And those words of headship and submission and really now kind of rub people the wrong way sometimes, because in this 21st century in which we live, where there's, you know, women are equal and empowered and, you know, what do we do with words like that? And so give you just a few. We've again talked about this in more detail, so we won't do like an exhaustive scripture study. Here are a few things to factor in. Number one, Jesus is perhaps the greatest, most radical respecter of women in all of human history. If you look at throughout history, I'm convinced you will not find another individual who did more in his time, place, culture, and then for history beyond his culture to elevate the role of women than Jesus did. He lived in a culture and time when women were looked at as little more than property. They had no rights. They didn't have a voice, they weren't allowed in the synagogue. A man wasn't even supposed to talk to a woman that he wasn't related to. And all through scriptures, Jesus is befriending women. He is, he is healing women, he is talking to women. You know, one of his longest, his second longest recorded one on one conversation in the Bible is with the woman at the well. In John chapter 4, we see Jesus all through raising the value of women to the point where even it was women who were the first witnesses to his resurrection. And it was at a time when women's testimony wasn't valid in a court of law. Jesus is saying women's testimony, their voice that matters so much, it matters infinitely. So some people look at Christianity as a whole with this broken mindset, taking some thoughts and views out of context, that somehow Christianity is misogynistic or holds women down, when really I would argue biblically, culturally, historically that Christianity and Jesus specifically has done more than any other leader in all of human history, and of course he himself is God in the flesh as well, to elevate women. So with that we lead into this specific question about headship and authority. This whole passage about authority and headship, it begins with the call for mutual submission. It says husbands and wives submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. So the first picture of marriage we get is it's like a husband and wife are two wings on the same bird. Christ is the head of that bird. He is the one who's leading us, he's the one who's who's steering us. And we work in concert with each other as husband and wife, in complete partnership, in complete unity and in complete submission, serving one another. Now that isn't to take away from. There is a very specific call for husbands to have this role of headship. But when you look at the way that spiritual authority is defined in the Bible, it says the Gentiles, the non believers, so to speak, they look at authority as a role of power and of being able to control others. But authority, the way that Christ established it, is really rooted in service. And so when I see this call to headship as a husband, I don't see it as this authoritarian view that I can have to boss my wife around. I see it as the Bible points out, that I'm called to love and serve my wife, as Christ loved and served his bride, the church where he gave his very life for her, that I need to be willing to live my life in such a way that I would be willing to lay down my life for her. That's the kind of responsibility that comes with being a husband, that I'm that sort of servant and protector and leader by my example. Now, there is an aspect, I believe, of leadership that is on a husband's shoulders, which means he will have a higher level of accountability as we all stand in judgment before God someday of how we led our families into a closer walk with the Lord, how we protected our families, how we were the chief Christlike servant, how we in many ways were the lead follower in our family that follow me as I follow Christ. As Paul said in one part in the New Testament, I think that's what a headship role means for a husband, is saying, I want to lead us as a family and as a couple closer to Christ. I want to do it by the way I serve you. I want to do it by the way that I protect you. And I'm asking for you to support me and pray for me in that role as I do that for our family.

That was so well said, sweetie. I don't know if I can add anything else to it. I will say this really quick, though, and I don't think this man was asking from this perspective. But we've seen where some husbands, and I think this is why this has gotten a bad rap in our society, even among Christians, is there have been some husbands who have taken that verse and really have used it in an abusive way. Not necessarily physically abusive, but they've been mentally and emotionally abusive to their wives, throwing around this verse and saying, well, I'm the head, you do what I say. And we've seen this ruined marriages, literally. We have friends who now the husband has regret and says, I totally misunderstood what this verse was saying. And I was basically cruel to my wife, like a bully almost. And that's not at all what God calls us to. Because before he even, you know, talks about a husband being a leader in any way, he talks about the love, the love that he needs to have for his wife and the sacrifice that he should be willing to make for his wife. And so it's a sacrificial kind of love that is leading that kind of leadership in the family. And so it is an important question, though. Cause I do think that, you know, submission, just that word alone just makes people have a bad taste in their mouth. But when we really look at what God was meaning in those verses, it's a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful thing for both to be submitted towards Christ and to serve one another. And for this hedge of protection to be over us, first and foremost from God, but then a husband being that protector as well. It's a beautiful picture.

It is. And I think in our culture context, submission, people think submission, and they think of UFC fighters wrestling each other to submission, where one just surrenders because they've been beaten down. And they think, well, that must be what submission is. And it's not biblical. Submission is an invitation for someone else to lead. And submission here, husband and wife, we invite Christ to lead us first and foremost. That's what it means to submit to him. And then within marriage, there are times where that spiritual leadership, where God is saying, I want you to support one another in this, and I want husbands, you to create such a safe environment for your wife, by the way you serve and protect her, and that wives, you create a safe and inviting atmosphere for your husband by giving him space and giving him the support and respect to lead your family into a closer walk with Christ. And if you'll all do that together with the mutual attitude of service, love, and submission for one another, then Christ is going to be at the center of that marriage and your marriage is going to thrive. So there's more to it. You can find kind of more on these kind of topics in our books Naked and Healthy and our Naked Marriage Book, as well as some of our past podcasts and blogs we've written. But hopefully that'll kind of give an answer to an often misunderstood concept.