What’s Your “Thing”? | Dave and Ashley Willis

Hey, guys. We're joining you live from the minivan. And we just celebrated this guy's birthday. It was actually yesterday, but we are celebrating together tonight.

And, you know, one day late, but.

He looks not a day past 25.

Well, I appreciate that, despite the wrinkles and the graying hair. Yeah, 42 yesterday. So, you know, that's where I am just to keep it real. Yes, 42. So I'm kind of hopefully at, like, the halfway point. I feel like I'm entering halftime.

Not even halfway.

No. I mean, if I make it to 84, I'll be thrilled. That's a. That's a good. That's a good place to wind up. Long life. Yeah, that's a good place. So I'll take it. But good to see you guys. Give you a second to get on here. We're talking about what's your thing tonight? And that is based on a very specific issue we dealt with with a very specific couple. And we're going to talk about that tonight. It's really one of my favorite stories in all of the time we've been doing marriage ministry. It's a great story, and I think it could relate in a very practical way to your marriage. As you guys are logging on here again, a lot of the announcements we used at the beginning of this thing is to point you toward the Naked Marriage podcast with Dave and Ashley Willis. So check that out. Every Monday, there are new episodes with some bonus episodes in between. Sometimes check out the Naked Marriage podcast. Also check out the Naked Marriage book. You can get the audiobook with us narrating our story and ways to help your marriage on Amazon. And it's also available on other platforms as well, ebook, paperback, and audiobook. So. And one last announcement. We're planning live events. Finally, in the midst of COVID 19, we're planning live events for 2021 starting in February. And so go to xomarriage.com the letter X, the. The letter O M A R R-I-A G E.com and you can find our full lineup of live events happening this spring. And we would love to see you there. You might have to wear a mask, but still, it's so.

It's gonna be worth it.

It's gonna be worth it. So come on out. So, sweetie, what's your thing?

All right. We were talking about this. So, like, just to give you some background, we were actually meeting with a couple like, like, we often do, and in pastoral counseling. And basically they were just, you know, you could tell they were feeling Disconnected. They were feeling hurt by one another. And basically we came to the point where we couldn't really tell what was going on. Like, what was the issue that this couple was dealing with? There had been no infidelity. There had been no, like, major secrets they were keeping from each other. And then we really got down to it. I remember Dave asked the husband, he said, you know what. What would you love for your wife to do for you right now? Like, in your heart? Like, what's one thing she could do that would make all the difference?

Yeah. Because they were just. Their posture. You could tell that they were, like, they were in two different worlds right then. Like, opposite sides of the couch. You know, it feels like you're hurt. You know, there was a time you felt connected, and right now you don't feel connected. And so what happened? Like, what changed? You know, what's something, like, Ashley said that you could do for one another, that she could do for you specifically. And then we'll get to the thing that you could do for her. What's that one thing? What's your thing? And he said something that completely surprised me. I mean, shocked. I think both.

Yes.

We thought, like, am I being punked? Like, what's going on here?

We just didn't. We didn't know. Yeah.

We didn't expect it. And he was like. And he was. He was a big, burly country guy, and he was like, well, let me tell you. And I'm not. I'm not making fun. Like, I mean. I mean, I admire this guy to bring it to. I'm just. I'm from Kentucky. This is how people talk.

It's very normal.

He's like, you know, she used to. Years ago, she would, like, you know, back. Back when I would. We were first together, she would. She'd play with my RC cars with me. RC meaning remote control cars, like the actual toy, not like a metaphor for something else.

Yeah.

And. And she knew that I like that. I liked it when she played the RC cars with me. And we would talk and we would laugh, and we would have a good time.

Yeah.

And then she just quit. She quit playing RC Cars with me. And it hurt me because I loved that time with her. And we're leaning in, like, is this really seriously? Like, I was expecting you to. There to be this big, like, spiritual moment, and we didn't say anything. Playing with toys together, like remote control cars. But for him, this was a big deal. Like, this was the place where he felt connected to her because he was sharing something with her. That mattered to him. And it was communication. It was easy for him to communicate in that setting. And then she said, well, I didn't know it was that big a deal to you. And he was like, well, it is. It was a big deal, and I really liked it. And it hurt my feelings when you quit. And she said, well, I mean, I could. I could keep doing MRC cars with you if you wanted. He goes, well, that would mean a lot.

And like, fast forward, like, we're so. And she teared up. I mean, she really teared up because she. She didn't realize how important it really was to her husband. And she was like, gosh, that's so simple. Like, I would love to join you in playing the RC cards. I just didn't know it was that big of a deal. And like, fast forward a month later, I remember we saw her at church, and she was. She had a totally different demeanor on her face and in her. Just in her body language. And she ran up to me and she said, ashley, you would not believe how different our marriage is. I've started doing the RC cars with my husband, and also we've worked on other things. It's helped us communicate better because when we. When we play those RC cars together, we end up talking because he's not feeling intimidated. And she said, before, I was so frustrated because he wouldn't talk to me. But what I didn't realize is that he needed an activity to do with me in order to feel comfortable to talk to me, because that's how a lot of men are wired up. And that's not just like this couple. That's neuroscience says that men are much more likely to open up when they're side by side and when doing an activity as opposed to face to face. And it just kind of takes away some of that pressure. And so this couple ended up asking to renew their vows. And, I mean, they really came to just a better place in their marriage. Now, don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying it's as simple as, like, doing an activity like RC cars together, but what I am saying is sometimes you don't realize, and we don't realize how we could be missing the thing that is missing from our marriage. That simple act that we could do, that simple pivot that we could do that could make all the difference. Because, like, for this wife, she had stopped doing it because she just didn't know it was that important to him. He hadn't really verbalized it. She thought, well, it's Just him playing with these RC cars, like, what's the big deal? But to him, it was time with his wife, and it was him sharing a childhood activity that he enjoyed with the woman he loved. And so when she realized that, she was like, well, if it's that important to you, it's important to me. And she engaged in that, and it made all the difference. And I think, you know, there were things that he. That she really desired from him, that he also did for her. And I think that we have to be willing to do that. We need to be willing to have these really hard, open conversations and being honest with each other and saying, like, I miss this thing that we used to do together. I miss this activity we used to do, or whatever it is. Like, maybe your spouse used to be super affirming of you and would always really encourage you with their words, and all of a sudden, they're not anymore. And you miss that. Like, tell your spouse that. Tell them, like, I miss how you were like my cheerleader. You. You always just had the encouraging word that I needed, and it was like, suddenly you just stopped doing that. It's like you didn't care anymore. And it really hurt me. You know, it could be many other things.

Yeah, but you have to talk about it, because until that comes out, then you can't hold your spouse accountable to know something that you haven't communicated. And until that moment, he had never communicated that. And I think a lot of times, you know, not to make generalizations based on gender, but a lot of times we, as mentioned, are not clear in what we're actually thinking and feeling.

Right.

And then a lot of times also, women are not clear in saying, this is what I need, because they make the. They, you know, they make the fallacy that, like, well, he should just know. Like, he should just know what I'm feeling. He should know what I'm thinking if he's really. If he's really in love with me. Right.

I was guilty of that.

And so, you know, both genders, both people in this marriage, you know, we. We have to overcome. We have to overcome those kinds of things and really communicate. And maybe your marriage doesn't fit in either of those generalizations. But every marriage. One thing that's universally true is every marriage needs communication. You have to be able to say, look, this is what I'm feeling. This is what I need. This is what I'm feeling right now. And how I feel like we're disconnected. And to be able to talk about that in a safe way. Where neither of you feels threatened and your first response isn't to dig in your heels and point the finger at the other spouse, but to really listen and say, wow, if I've done anything to make you feel that way, I want to make sure that I'm going the extra mile to help build that bridge of trust between the two of us. So there's nothing between us. Right.

And, you know, this wife, in that moment, she could have responded and said, you know what? That's weird. That's like a kid's thing. But she didn't. And I'm so glad. Like, just sitting across from them, watching this, like, they were sitting pretty far apart from each other. But once he actually shared his heart with her, you could almost see her inch closer. Like, I just didn't know. I mean, she wasn't trying to be hurtful on purpose. I think a lot of times we do the things we do or we don't do the things we do because we just don't know. It's because we don't have the information. And she really leaned into that moment and was really touched by the fact that he told her how he felt and that this simple thing would make all the difference. And when she actually took the steps to do the simple thing to engage with him, it did make the difference. And I think that the thing here, the lesson we want to kind of all share with you, is that we really need to be willing to lean in and really be willing to ask those questions and then be willing to do the steps, like, to be willing to do those things, even if we think it's stupid. Even if we are like, I don't get it. I don't know why you like video games or whatever. Like, I'll be honest with you guys. I don't get video games.

She doesn't.

My whole family loves it. My whole family loves him.

If I was a big gamer, we would never have sex. I'm just being completely.

I don't know about that, but I'm saying, like, I don't get it.

Completely turned off by men playing video games.

Thankfully, so many men love, like, video games.

I'm not that into it, but maybe that's your thing and it's okay.

Maybe it is. And there's nothing wrong with that. There has to be balance, like, with any hobby.

Did you just say there's something wrong with that?

Let me tell you this. The sexiest thing that he's done with video games is playing with our son. Like, watching my husband beat splatoon with Chandler, our now nine year old. Like, that was the sweetest thing because I saw my husband engaging with our son and. And I saw my son's eyes light up and just. He loved it because he was doing it with his dad now in the same way I had played with my kids. Like, we have a son, Connor. He's 13. He's really into VR, like virtual reality. Some of you may have heard the Oculus. He just saved up all his money and bought an Oculus, and he had me do it. And there's like a lightsaber game on it. And I was so bad, you guys. Like, so bad. Like, maybe it's a hand eye coordination thing. I'm really poor in that area. But I. But I thought, you know, I'm gonna at least give it a try because it's. It's important to him. And I think in marriage, you know, we sometimes are willing to do that for our children, but in marriage, for some reason, we tell ourselves, like, you're a big boy, you're a big girl. I don't need to do that. You know, And I don't know why we do that, because when we really care about somebody, we're willing to kind of engage with the things that they love. And now I'm not talking about if it's something bad. I know some of you on here may be like, well, they're asking me to do stuff that's bad. I'm not talking about that. But if it's a harmless hobby that they enjoy, why not engage with them or at least give it a try.

Those are words of wisdom right there. Just, you know, engage with each other. I mean, this isn't rocket science.

Like, somebody put chore play. Mom.

Chore play.

Is that my mom? Mom, you're right. Chore play. Hey, if it's engaging in chores, like.

Super Sexy Mary Price McRae, world's greatest mother in law, who just visited us this weekend. And we love you.

She did love you, mom.

And her and Bill are awesome. They just drove all the way to Georgia to see us.

They did.

But chore play, right? You know, that's. That's part of it.

Engage with the chores. That is huge.

Serve each other. I mean, that's. That's a big part of this, is just being willing to serve each other. I mean, the strongest marriages.

I was just thinking about our chores today. So we're sitting. We're. We're sitting in one of our rooms.

You did. I dropped. You did that. You were willing.

You were willing. And it was awesome. So, like, we're sitting. We're talking. We had this, like, little front, little sitting room. And I. I see our dog, okay. Who's a little chiweenie. Her name is Chichi. And she's eating something. And I turn around, and I'm like, what is Chichi eating? And I look, this is so gross. So gross.

You guys, if you've just eaten, just turn.

I'm so sorry. If you. If you're eating, don't watch this. She is eating something that looks like vomit, okay? So I pull the cushion back. It's green. I'm not sure where it came out. Like, if it was her mouth, it could have been something else. I don't know. And I'm like. Like, I'm literally like, oh, my gosh. And Dave's like, hold on just a minute. And he was willing. He went and got paper towels and resolve. Trying to attack the problem. You all. A spouse is never sexier than when they're willing to clean up vomit, whether from your kids or your animals or from each other, whatever. But, like. And you guys, I know I took it way down there. I took it way down talking about vomit. But that is real life, okay? Being willing to kind of engage in whatever and to be a partner, I think that's.

You just be in it.

And I appreciated you in that moment.

It's like, that was really serving each other. I think people, you know, the word romance intimidates people because they have to, like, write French poetry or something to engage with each other. But really, romance in its essence is really just thoughtfulness and be thoughtful to one another. And that just means serving each other. I mean, that's all it means. It just means serving each other, doing something that, you know, your spouse will appreciate. That's what thoughtfulness is. That's really what romance is. Doing something, you know, your spouse will appreciate.

Yeah.

And that can be being willing to get a paper towel and clean up some puke.

Hey, that speaks volumes to me. Maybe you're the same way that speaks volumes to me. And even raising our babies, you know, our youngest is five now, so we're through the baby phase. But, like, Dave being willing to, like, do whatever. I mean, there was nothing that he was, like, too good for. Beyond me.

I've wiped a lot of butts.

He's wiped a lot of butts. I feel like he's cleaned up a lot of stuff.

Yeah, like, I've cleaned up a lot of poop. And, yes, now you've worked harder. She's the hardest working person in our family overall, she does it all, but.

I don't know about that.

I have wiped a lot of butts because it's like, I don't have a lot of, you know, like, specific skill I can offer.

He's very skilled.

But I can change a diaper. I mean, I've got a diaper changer.

I'm very proud.

I am pretty good. I'm not gonna brag about much, but I can wipe a butt like, like very deeply.

And then if you need some diaper changing, if you need a tutorial, you're.

Like a new dad.

But, you know, hey, need some, you.

Need some, you know, some tutorials on the proper just method to how to do it right? Come to me. You know, I might just do an online course. You can join.

That would be something.

I do have a lot of experience.

We're way past that phase and we're glad.

Four kids. Well, we're not way past that phase.

Diaper phase.

Yes, we have, I mean, we have a 15 year old and like you said, we have a 5 year old. So we're out of the diapers. But I mean, it's only a couple years. We've been out of the diaper phase.

Yeah.

So for 13 years consistently I was wiping butts and then I just actually more than that, counting my own. But 13 years just with other people.

You guys forgive us for our just complete honesty, but hey, this is real life.

So like I still wipe my own and I'm, you know, I'm proud of that. Hopefully I'll continue to do that.

Oh, my goodness. So, yeah, be willing to serve. That is our point there. We always feel like way off track as we digress.

Yes. You know, we always end up with poop somehow or something.

I know we're. We're a boy household. I don't know if it comes to the territory, maybe not. Maybe it's just us. Maybe we're just. Yeah.

So land in the plane.

Yes.

You know, a couple like, quick marriage specific things to help you out again. Check out the Naked Marriage podcast with Dave and Ashley Willis. You can find that for free on itunes, Podbean, Spotify, Google Play or YouTube where you can actually watch it and listen. Check out the Naked marriage book and audiobook, which is. Which is available on Amazon and also on our ministries website, which is xomarriage.com and also on that same site, XO the letter X, the letter O. Marriage.com. you can find our full calendar of live events which are coming in 20, 21.

And tickets are going fast, you guys. Like I was telling the team, tickets are going fast. Not to put pressure on you, but I just want you to be there. I would love to see you. If there is any way to do a meet and greet that that is safe and social distance and all that, we will make it happen because we really enjoy that.

We love it. We love meeting you guys.

We love meeting you. It's literally our favorite thing. And I've missed it. I've missed it desperately. And I know Dave has too. And it's just so cool to meet you in person and hear your stories and just be able to, like, you know, know that we're in this together. It's awesome. So definitely check that out. Thank you guys for listening and for hanging out here. And again, if you have any prayer requests or any questions or anything like that, you're welcome to leave it here. We try to look at all your comments and do our best to answer any questions. And you guys are amazing at answering each other's questions and giving support. So thank you for that as well.

Love you guys.

Appreciate you guys.

Bye.

Bye.

See you next time.