Who Controls the Money, the Spender or Saver? | Dave and Ashley Willis

Hello and welcome back to the Naked Marriage podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast we address the truth about sex, intimacy and lifelong love. And we are coming to a close in our Opposites in Marriage series. But we have a really great episode for you today.

Yeah. We're talking about money and how. What do you do when you've got opposite perspectives about money or where you came from different backgrounds related to money? And stick around to the very end because we're going to share a couple about a story, rather about a couple in our life who are dear friends and mentors who've taught us more about money in a. Well, I don't want to give too much away.

That's right.

But they've taught us something that is really inspiring and we want you to hear that story. So stick around to the end. One quick thank you before we dive in. Shout out to our amazing producer, Eric Randall, who's staying after hours to record this for you guys. And a shout out to his wife, Mikayla and precious baby girl Ray. And maybe the cutest baby girl.

She is like the new Gerber baby. Yes.

So a wonderful family. And so thanks for putting in a little over.

Thanks, Eric.

Help us share this episode with the world. And thank you guys for listening today or watching here on YouTube. Wherever you're listening or watching. We're glad you're here. Let's dive into today's episode. This is a unique one. I don't think we've ever addressed this topic.

I don't think. Not for a whole episode we haven't.

No. And so I'm glad to have this conversation because I do think that this particular background difference can cause just some unique opportunities and unique challenges in the dynamic of marriage. And it is when one of you came from a wealthy background and one of you came from a poor background. Or even if maybe like the money gap wasn't that different, but there was just a completely different mindset around money.

Oh, yes, definitely.

Like, there's a very famous book by, I believe, Robert Kiyosaki called Rich Dad, Poor dad, where he kind of talks about the two different mindsets related to money and how, like, the wealthy tend to have a certain mindset about money, and then middle class and lower tend to have a completely different mindset about money. And if you're combining those two mindsets in a marriage setting, it can really create some confusion and even tension around what is it supposed to look like with our finances, like how we make money, how we save money, how we invest money. What money really is and what it's for. And so just acknowledging that we come from different financial backgrounds is a good place to start.

It is. And, you know, we definitely, throughout our time of being married and just kind of hanging out with different couples, and also in the work we do here at Exo Marriage, we've seen where this. This dynamic can create some unique struggles. And a lot of times it's. It comes first of all, like, in early in the marriage years from our families. Like, where I've seen this cause some frustration and even fights between a married couple is like, when it comes around. Excuse me, holiday time. And the gift giving, how different gift giving can be. And where I've seen people get really upset is like, when maybe kids are involved too, where the wealthy grandparents are buying trips for the grandkids, and the grandparents who don't have as much money are just buying a modest gift for them. And there's, like, this disparity, right? And it's just. It can cause a lot of friction because then the families are like, well, what are they doing showing off with all their money? You know, the family doesn't have as much money. And then the other one's like, well, we've just been given a lot. We just want to bless them. And, you know, it's just money. I mean, you know, you'll hear wealthy people say, it's just money, where. Whereas people who don't have as much money and maybe even are experiencing poverty are like, what do you mean? Like, we're just. I'm barely putting food on the table, you know, and I'm working my. My tail off at this job, and I just. I'm just trying to make it, you know, and so, again, it's not that any are wrong here. You know, it's just a different perspective. And I think that what we have to do as a married couple when we're coming from these different backgrounds is realize that just because we came from those different backgrounds doesn't mean that we have to pick one or the other. We have our own background or our own. Not our background, but our own future that we're making together. And, yes, we're affected by the families that we came from and by the perspectives that we learned growing up. But we can chart a new course for our family, and it doesn't have to look like either one of those. It's ours. You know, we're choosing how we see money together, and it's good. You know, we need to sit down. And we've done episodes on this, we need to sit down and decide, you know, how do we as a family view money? Because, you know, soon enough, if you don't have kids, you know, if you do decide to have children and are blessed with kids, they're also gonna be affected by how you see money. So you want to know, you want to know kind of your approach and.

What are we going to teach our kids? Right. You know how. Because you can each kind of have your own ideas, but you gotta say, well, we gotta teach our kids a certain way and we have to actually spend our money a certain way and.

Be on the same page with how we spend our money.

Being unified around money is huge, and we've talked a ton about that. But that's gotta be a starting place of understanding. Like, what's our philosophy gonna be about giving, about saving, about debt, about are we gonna tithe? Which means, you know, bringing the first 10% back to God's work, like it says in the Bible, which is a huge sacrifice, especially if you're not in the mode of doing that. But I believe there's huge blessing in it. It's, I think, one of the best financial decisions we've, we've ever made. You got to work through that stuff and get on the same page. Otherwise what's going to happen is there's going to be a lot of secrecy with money and separate accounts and all the things that just create tension and division in marriage.

There will be. And I think too, again, I think, you know, our families and our in laws can kind of affect our perspective as well.

Oh, sure. Yeah.

I think with this dynamic, I've really seen this play out where it can be hard because it can be frustrating in how, you know, like, for example, I think that I've known people where, when they come from a wealthy family, their family will often pay for meals when they go out together as a family, or they'll pay for the trip that they're going on, you know, to celebrate something. And maybe it's their annual summer trip and their, their parents pay for the whole thing. And then there's this other family where they don't have that kind of money. They can't do that. And so when they all go to dinner or go to lunch, they know everybody's getting their own ticket, you know, or maybe, maybe, you know, the, the couple, like the married, the young kids are going to pay, you know, and, or, or, maybe, you know, they couldn't even fathom going on a trip unless you paid for it. You know, it could Be a totally different dynamic. But then the fact that you're paying for it and then the other family's not, it can feel like, well, that's weird, you know, that you pay for your whole family to go on a trip. But then it's always gotta be this other family picking up the tab when they go places, you know, so we have to talk about these things. And really, we may need to even put boundaries up in place to kind of create more peace within our relationship. And I think, you know, we have to also realize, is the family that is wealthier, you know, is it coming from a place of trying to show off? Because most of the time it's probably not. It's probably just what they're accustomed to.

No, it's probably what they're accustomed to. And I think coming back to this, just this dynamic of, like, what you're used to versus what your spouse is used to, you know, for the one that's coming in with more money background, they're probably, as it relates to your own children, not just like grandchildren, but your own children, you're thinking, well, I mean, I grew up and we got to do this with kids. The kids got to do these activities and these special classes and events and these things that are all very expensive. And so our kids need to do that. And the spouse that came from lust is going to say, maybe that's not worth the money. I didn't have any of that stuff, and I turned out fine. Are you saying that your kid has to have all that to be fine? You married me. I didn't have any of that. And plus, we together right now don't have the money to do all those things. But the one that that's what they're used to is like, well, no, I have to do those things because that's what parents do for their kids, because that's what my parents did for me. And you have to decide together, what is it gonna look like for our family? Exactly.

And our budget.

And our budget is being realistic.

You know, sometimes where you see the friction is when someone is accustomed to being wealthy, they came from a wealthy family, but they're still trying to find, you know, they're trying to earn their own money. Right. Even just because your family has money doesn't mean you're automatically rich yourself, Right? Because you're gonna earn your own way. You're gonna earn your own money. And so you may have this still wealthy perspective, but you yourself have not made that yet. Right? Like, you and your spouse aren't Quite there yet. But you think you have to spend all this money because you wanna keep that standard. And so together, you've gotta balance each other out and say, okay, we have to look at our budget and look at our family values. What do our kids need right now? Do they need to have five sports? Probably not, but can we enroll them in one, you know, this season? Yeah, let's do that. I think, too, where I see, especially when it comes to wealth, and I don't even necessarily want to say poverty, but just not as much. You know, where there's, like, wealth and then there's someone who just doesn't have as much as the other family, you see this big difference in what they think education should look like. Where, you know, a lot of wealthy families, they just assume you're gonna send your kid to private schools because they have the money to do so. And there's these amazing private schools out there. And so they just assume that's what you're gonna do. Like, in their family, you send your kids to private schools. Well, then you marry someone who went to public school, and it's like, what do you mean the public schools aren't good enough? And you're included. We're paying taxes, you know.

Yeah. And you're saying, I'm not good enough, or like, I'm trashy because I didn't go over there and wear elbow patches on my little jacket when I went to your fancy little school. And then it can.

Which are. They're both great, right?

It's can become like a class war.

Oh, it can. And then you see where the wealthy family will say, well, we'll pay for it. We'll pay for your kids to go to that private school. And you see, the spouse that maybe came from poverty or not having as much wealth resents that. Like, we've seen that happen where they just resent that and then they fight with their spouse. And the spouse that came from the wealthy family is like, well, my goodness, they're going to pay for it. Why would we not take them up on that? And they're like, but we want to take care of our own kids. I don't want anybody paying for their school. And our public schools are just good enough. So let's do that. You know, let's go to the schools that our taxes are paying for. And so you just see all this back and forth. And again, I think we have to realize that our families aren't the ones who make our marital decisions. We are our own family unit. We can listen to their advice. We can take their advice or we can choose a totally different path. And it doesn't even have to be either, or it can be just one that they haven't even thought of, you know.

Yeah.

And I think that it's just important that we come together and we say, this is what we're choosing. This is our budget, this is what God has given us, and this is for our family. And if our families have a problem with it, we, again, we set boundaries, we're honest about it, and we just lovingly say, listen, I appreciate you offering to pay for private school, but we really want to see how it's going to go in public school. We believe that we live in a good area that has good public schools. There's not even a safety issue here. And I really, you know, I grew up in the public school system. I really want to give it a go. And we really want to get involved in our community right where we live. And I think if they still have a problem with it, you just say, well, this is the decision for our family. And again, if for some reason they are, you know, not like your in laws are maybe giving you trouble, we are writing a book on this and have written a book on this and we can give you more information about that. But we, we do believe that you gotta put those boundaries in place that really help your family. Okay? Have peace. And do you know what God is calling you to do?

It's so good. It has to be. You and your spouse have to decide what's it gonna be for our family.

Right.

What are we gonna choose to learn and take from our own families of origin, honoring them as best we can. But honoring somebody doesn't mean you have to emulate or copy or obey every wish they have for you. You've got to figure out what's it going to be for us. And that's always where to start the conversation. And to respect your spouse, regardless of what their background was, don't come from a place where you're trying to belittle them because they didn't have as much or belittle them because, well, they had a silver spoon in their mouth and never had to deal with any real struggle or whatever it might be, but to celebrate where they came from and to honor and respect their family and look for the good that you can praise in what they learned and what they did. And again, just figure out what are we going to do in our money, in our family, with our children, and we're going to create our own Legacy.

That's right. We need to remember, too, that money does not define us. And how much or how little, it doesn't define us at all. It's just something that is a tool to meet needs that we have here on Earth, to eat, to have shelter and all those sorts of things. And if we have, you know, a lot, maybe we can have more experiences. And if we have a little, we can still have experiences, but maybe they're not as expensive. And we need to remember that that doesn't define a person at all. And so when you go into this marriage and when you are married, you have to remember that. And just because your spouse's experiences with money was different than yours isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think you need to remember that you can learn a lot from one another. I think that the wealthy person can remember the money doesn't grow on trees. Right? I mean, and I'm sure any wealthy person will tell you somebody somewhere in that family, whether it was their parents or their grandparents or their great grandparents, worked their tail off to get that family where they are.

Absolutely.

They may have had it for generations, but it wasn't always that way. And in the same way, we can't assume just because somebody doesn't have a lot of money that they're not a hard worker. I guarantee you they are working so, so hard. And odds are there's somewhere along the way where they've experienced some trials where they couldn't get as much money as they wanted. There might have been illness. There might have been a lack of opportunity. Maybe they lived in an area where things shut down. I mean, there's all sorts of reasons that we can experience poverty and things that we never saw coming our way. But we just do not need to judge each other here. It's not our place. And it's just, you know, it's really not giving us a clear perspective at all and really putting our heart in the wrong place. So we need to remember that money isn't something that definitely defines us and not have any pride about it, but also not have any shame about it, not have any feeling whatsoever based on how little or how much money that we had growing up.

And to just celebrate one couple real quick who's probably taught us more about money and generosity than any couple we know, our dear friends, Gary and Sue. We love them, and they have a unique background. Sue grew up in Taiwan and was very, very poor. Gary grew up in the United States, not wealthy, but by comparison had a lot more than she did. And Then he went to the Marine Corps and served faithfully there. But then when he got out of the Marine Corps, they were married at that point, and they just started building a life together. And over the years, together, through just a tremendous work ethic on both their parts, and also just from some open doors that God gave them, were able to build a lot of wealth. And once they got that, they started trying to study God's word to see kind of what their responsibility was with that. Like, is this just for us just to blow, or is there a greater plan? And as they studied the Bible and realized that when God raises our standard of wealth, it's not to raise just our standard of living, but our standard of giving.

Yes.

And Gary read a book by Robert Morris called the Blessed Life, which is all about God's plan for giving. And it really inspired in them a generosity that is unlike anything I've ever seen. And so now, like this couple, they live really relatively modestly compared to what they have. And they've given so much. In fact, you know, they've given to this ministry to. They've given just so much that I know of and a whole bunch that I probably don't know of.

Sure.

And they've challenged me to look at finances in a different way. And what they remind me of is that God owns it all. He does, and he owns it all. And we're just temporary managers of it. We're temporary stewards. And while we can't take any of it with us, we can do things with it in this life that do have an eternal impact when we invest into things that matter. And I want to do that. I want to be generous. Whether we have a little or a lot or somewhere in between. I want to be generous not just with our own family, but with people and with God's work happening all over the world, with our church, with this ministry here at xo, and with others as well. And I just encourage you and your spouse to do the same. I think one of the greatest legacies you have as a couple is in your generosity. And so find ways to do that. You know, sponsor a child through Compassion International, do things like that. And you'll be amazed at what that giving will do to bring a couple together. Because Gary and Sue will tell you it not only revolutionized their faith, but it revolutionized their marriage when, despite their very different backgrounds related to money, they got on the same page and said, let's make generosity part of our legacy.

And they have done that and are continuing to do that.

And it's helped take their marriage and their faith to a whole new level and inspired me to want to do the same.

Me, too. I love them so much. Well, I hope you've learned something in this series. It's been so fun to talk about opposites in marriage. And, you know, even if you don't have any of these dynamics that we've talked about the last four weeks, I think that we can all learn from some of the content that we shared and just working through differences, because even if you don't have an extreme difference necessarily, you have some differences. And I think just always showing each other respect, love, and grace throughout. Any difference that we have, we're gonna go farther and move forward together than if we just kind of put our heels in the sand and say, no, no, no, I'm not changing. This is how it is, and you need to change. That's not gonna get us anywhere. And so thank you guys so much for joining us. As always, please make sure that you tune in to Wednesday's Hump Day Q and A, and then tune in next Monday for another fresh episode here on the Naked Marriage podcast. We love you guys, and we'll see you next week.