Why Marriage Won't Fix Your Problems

Hey there, and welcome back to the Naked Marriage Podcast. We are Dave and Ashley Willis, and on this podcast, we address the truth about sex, intimacy, and lifelong love. And, y', all, we're talking about a marriage myth today, and it's a big one, and Dave is going to tell you what it is.

Yes. It is the myth that says, marriage will fix all my problems. Yeah. Like, that's all. That's what it'll take.

Yeah. Or if I married, I just need to get married.

If I. If I married the right person, that definitely would have been all my problems. So I must not have married the right person, because I still have problems. But the truth is, you're going to have problems. Everybody's going to have problems. Jesus promised us we'd have problems. He said, in this life, you will have troubles, but take heart, because I've overcome the world. So his promise isn't a problem free life. It's a life where you face your problems and he's with you every step of the way.

Right.

And in marriage, that's the same promise we give to each other. I can't promise you a problem free life, but I promise you that it's for better and for worse, richer and for poor. And in all of it, we're gonna face it together. And so marriage is not the great fix all. It's a great enhancer. It's a great amplifier. It enhances all the good in your life because you're sharing it with someone, but it can also amplify the struggles because you got problems with your family. Now you got problems with your family and their family. You got, you know, this. This problem. And all of a sudden, under the microscope of marriage, stuff that you didn't even really realize was an issue in your life might the open and you're gonna have to deal with it. So it's an opportunity to get healthier. But it's certainly not always gonna be easy.

Definitely. I remember, gosh, I feel like it was years ago at one of the exos, our friend Tim Ross talked about how marriage can often be like a mirror to yourself, to your flaws. Do you remember Tim talking about that?

Yeah.

And I remember it was kind of like eye opening. And the way he described it was so great. You can look it up on YouTube. But he just talked about how it's a mirror, you know, a lot of times, like a mirror in the sense of, you know, it can, you know, your spouse can reflect back maybe some of the good things, where sometimes it's.

A very flattering mirror. Like ones in a store that it's slanted at an angle to make you look skinnier, or the lighting strike. And sometimes it's that harsh dressing room light mirror where you look disgusting.

You're like, how no one looks good. There's nothing attractive.

It highlights every. Every imperfection.

Yes.

And, yeah, marriage can be both those.

Mirrors and even distorted. I think sometimes it can bring out the distortions that we've had, the false narratives we've had going on in our mind, and kind of it's reflected out in our spouse. And what we mean by that is, like, what you're giving out, you kind of see reflected back on you. Like a response from your spouse where you're like, wow, I didn't realize it could have that kind of cause and effect that this, you know, I'm seeing, you know, that what I've been doing is not working well. Like, this is maybe causing hurt or causing misunderstanding. And so there is this reflective nature to marriage. And I think, you know, when Tim was saying that, I just thought that was a good picture, because I think we need to realize that it's like, what are we really putting out to our spouse? Because a lot of times, like, in the counseling space, I'll come across people, whether an individual talking about their marriage or a couple, and they'll say, like, you know, I feel like my spouse is like one person towards their family, and then they're one person towards our friends, and they're another person. Like when we're at a work function together. But then when they come home, it's like, I see all of their junk. You know, I get their. You know, you've worded before, saying, sometimes we give our spouse our leftovers, and we really need to give them the best of us. And I think that in that same way, you know, we go into marriage with this false. You know, with this myth that we believe that, oh, it's gonna just only enhance my life, it's only gonna just fix the problems in my life. And then when that doesn't happen and we feel like it's more of a burden than a blessing, we end up just being real snarky towards our spouse. Because then what happens is we feel like they're the reason for all of these problems now. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I do.

And so then we just have this resentment, right? You're like, if we weren't married, our finances wouldn't be like this, because I was good at my finances before I married you. And now I've Taken on your debt. And we can't do this and we can't do that. And you know, I would be so much better off. Or you know what? If we weren't married, I wouldn't have to deal with your crazy mother in law or your crazy mom or your crazy sister. I wouldn't have to deal with that person. But now that we're married, I have to deal with them. Or, you know, if we weren't married, I wouldn't, you know, our kids wouldn't be like this. If I had kids with someone else, they wouldn't have your crazy in them. You know what I'm saying? I mean, we just start putting off all these things, these lies, you know, we start believing lies. And I mean, there might be some truth in there, like maybe, maybe your spouse isn't good with finances, maybe their family is crazy. I mean, there might be those things, but we start unleashing and looking at them instead of seeing our role in whatever issues we're facing, we start just pointing the finger. And then it only creates more problems.

That's, that's the truth. So what do we do? Is the thing, like if you're in that dynamic, if you feel like your spouse is blaming you for all the difficulties, or maybe you're honest enough to say, yeah, I've kind of been blaming my spouse for fantasizing about a life without them because I'm convinced I got way more problems because of them. And here's the truth, here is the ugly truth. You probably do have more problems because of them and they have more problems because of you.

Yeah.

And that's part of marriage. In fact, even the Bible kind of bluntly says that like marriage, you're gonna have trouble. You know, not just Jesus saying you're gonna have trouble in the world, but Paul writing specifically to married couples saying, like, yeah, you're gonna have, you're gonna have extra troubles in marriage. Now there's an opportunity for tons of extra blessings. Yes, I mean, tons of extra blessings. And even working through those troubles in marriage in intimacy and unity that God intended marriage to be, you have an opportunity for such growth and such redemption and such celebration. But it is true. It's a part of marriage we don't talk about enough really, because it's part of the deal. We can't just focus on the for better of the for better or for worse or the for richer, for the, for richer, for poor valley. You got to realize that like, yeah, you're a single person, you get sick. You just got to Think about your own illness. You're married, you got to think about your own illness and your spouse's illness. When you're single, you just got to think about your own debt. When you're married, you got to think about your own debt and your spouse's debt. So everything's amplified. It's all the good, but also the burdens. You're going to bear those burdens together. Now, there is a blessing in bearing each other's burdens.

Absolutely.

But if you pretend, if you believe the myth that life is only in every way easier because of marriage, then you're going to. That myth is going to lead you to resent your spouse every time that inevitably difficulties come up.

Right. Because they'll never meet those expectations.

Of course.

Nobody can. Exactly. And I think, too, you know, a lot of times, I think people perpetuate this myth, really, sometimes unknowingly. Like, I don't. I don't think it's like. Like, if someone asked you, oh, do you think marriage would solve all your problems? They probably say no. But I think in their heart of hearts, sometimes they're so lonely. Like, I think people. And when they're feeling loneliness, and I don't mean, like, you don't have. I mean, you have friends and you have family, and you have this full life, and single people have very full lives. But I think that those who really feel that call to marriage, they just. They feel like this sense of loneliness as far as not having that daily partner, you know, the partner, they're doing life. And so that's where there is this bit of, like, you know, I wouldn't feel this loneliness if I was married. And then what happens? You know, they get married, they hit a bump in the road, start to feel loneliness being married. And that can be a huge crash. I mean, when you're like, I didn't think I'd ever feel this again. And how much worse does loneliness feel when you're married and still feel lonely because you have someone and yet you still feel lonely, maybe because you're not communicating or something happens, that's a sad place to be. And if you're there, very sad.

Our heart goes out to you. Yes, there's hope, there's help.

Absolutely.

Reach out. Get in counseling. Talk to one of our marriage mediators. Don't keep living in a lonely marriage thinking that this is just the way that it is.

No, no. In fact, if you want to look this up, if you're. If loneliness really kind of hits you at the core, I have a Blog, you can just look up Ashley Willis, lonely Marriage. And it really goes into this and how to. How to address that. Because I do think sometimes we find ourselves crashing so hard from maybe some of our marital problems because we've had such crazy, and crazy is the wrong word, but maybe some unrealistic expectations. Not that we went in, you know, I mean, I just think it's being a human being, you know, just going and thinking, man, I just wouldn't. I would never feel loneliness again. Or I wouldn't, you know, have to go to a party without someone with me again. Like, there's certain things that you just really put these maybe unrealistic expectations because we use maybe words like always and never, you know, and that's why we feel like it becomes the response we have to those problems that will inevitably come, affect us so much more deeply that we find ourselves feeling very unsteady and, like, questioning marriage at all. You know what I'm saying? Like, why did I do this to myself? And so that's why we're talking about, you know, the myths of marriage, because we need to understand, like, what is the truth here? And so, you know, I just love how you talked about it from the standpoint of burdens and blessing is we just need to understand the truth that marriage, you know, burden often gets a bad word, but it's not all bad. There's, you know, beautiful burdens. I mean, children are a burden, right?

Yeah, they are a burden. They're a blessing.

They're a huge blessing. Much more of a blessing than a burden.

But, man, they can be a burden.

Yeah.

I mean, they will. They are precious and the greatest, One of the greatest gift God gives. But if you think that that's. If that's the end of the story, then you're gonna be in for a rude awakening when you realize they will cost you all your sanity, all your money.

Well, I mean. Cause they're your kids, you know, but they're worth the burden they're worth bearing.

With kids in marriage, we somehow feel like, well, my spouse isn't worth it.

Yeah.

My kids. Yeah, of course I'll do anything for my kids, but. And we take pride in that. Oh, I would jump in front of a bus for them. But then when it comes to our spouse, it's like, no, you can pull your own weight. You do your own thing. And we don't have that same kind of patience or that same value, frankly.

Right.

When really God says our spouse should be an even higher value.

Right. And I know that's hard for a lot of people to comprehend. And I think especially those who are in subsequent marriages, like maybe a second or third marriage, because they're blending. And that's a whole other thing if that's you. And I know that's, you know, you have some unique experiences that you go through, but there's still the same standard for how we prioritize our marriage. Right. Even in a blending situation. But if you kind of are at a crossroads where that. That is the crux of the problem is because you're blending. I encourage you to check out our friends, blended Kingdom families, the Martindales. They're amazing, and they are a blended family.

Vanessa, we love you guys.

We love you guys. But they speak specifically to blended family burdens that maybe other, you know, if they're not blended, they may not even be experiencing right now. It's a unique set of circumstances, blessings and challenges. Exactly. Absolutely. There can be so many blessings, but again, we have to recognize burdens for what they are. And I think just the. To kind of counter, you know, to go against the myth of this is marriage is a beautiful burden, but it does have some burdens. Like, it's going to cost you something in so many ways. Right. You're going to have to bear with, you know that. I love forbearance. It's one of the fruits of the spirit that we, like, never talk about, but that's. And, you know, it's essentially bearing with. And when we hear bear with, it's having, I mean, really a lot of the other, you know, fruit of the spirit go into this. But. But in marriage, my gosh, how much do we need forbearance? Like, we have to bear with a lot, and that requires grace and that requires patience and bearing with each other. Because sometimes we are just curmudgeons. Like, sometimes we're just not, you know, we're not it. In that moment, we're, you know, I've had moments where I don't know what was going on the other day, but I'm pretty sure I'm 43 years old. I've had a hysterectomy, and I'm almost positive I'm in perimenopause, is what it's called, which is basically saying what happens before menopause, like, your body prepares for.

It, which you'll still go through because you still have ovaries.

Oh, yeah. No, I still have ovaries.

People are like, wait a second, I had a hysterectomy.

Don't have a period. But I have my ovaries because of the hormones and everything, but. So I will experience menopause. But I was just having a day. Do you remember this? You're like, oh, yeah, I remember it. I mean, I don't. What are you talking about? But I was just in a funk. I was more. I don't deal with ongoing anxiety issues. Thank the Lord. I've been freed from that for many years. But I can still have some anxiety here and there, you know, obviously. And I know my triggers and I know my coping mechanisms and things in healthy ways and all that. But I was just having a day, and I got really. I was just more emotional than usual. I was a little bit shorter fused than usual. And Dave was doing such a sweet job of just showing me grace and forbearance. Like bearing with. You know, just bearing with. And this isn't like I wasn't doing something out of bounds. It's not like I was being disrespectful to you or anything, but I caught. Because he was being so tender and bearing with me in these things. And what's another way to say bear with. I know we don't really say that a lot.

Like, be patient.

Just be patient. Show grace. You know, I mean, gosh, there's just. It's almost like just giving. Giving some space. Oh, holding space. That's what we say today. Holding space. Hold space for each other, right? And what we're going through in our funk. And so it's like, that's what forbearance is. That's what bearing with looks like. And. And so. And, you know, another word is long suffering. Okay? Because bearing with forbearance and long suffering, I mean, you sometimes suffer in the midst of that because it's irritating, you know, I was irritating that day. I know it was. And. But you gave me. You held space for what I was going through, and because you did and you didn't, you know, you weren't snarky to me, or you weren't like, what's your deal today? Like, snap out of it, woman. You know, you were just like. Cause I. It gave me a chance to recognize my own junk. And I came to you pretty quickly, and I was like, I'm in a funk today, and I'm sorry. I feel it. Like, I feel it. That's not to make an excuse. I'm not going to. I don't want to step out of bounds or do anything that's disrespectful, but I feel I'm in a funk. And you know what you said to me? You said, well, what can I do to help? And that. That went a long way to help me, you know, with these issues I.

Was going through, which is usually. It's usually the right response in those moments.

Yes.

And I've said the wrong response so many times, guys. So this is not like I've always got it right. I've said the dumb thing so many times. But as a slow learner, I finally learned that the most productive, helpful thing I could say is, what can I do to help? And really mean it when you ask.

And I know you meant it.

And really, that's what we want too. Like, you know, I mean, that's what I want.

Mm.

And that diffuses me. I get cranky way more than Ashley. You know, she's throwing out, like, perimenopause as an excuse I don't even have.

Well, no, I don't. It's not an excuse. I just want to say that I.

Didn'T mean to say it like.

Oh, I know, I know.

I don't have that as an excuse. And I'm moody.

There's menopause, too, guys.

Well, I must have it. But I've always consistently been moodier than her, even when she's been, like, pregnant and had babies.

And can I just say, though, we shared this at length in different episodes, if you want more details on this. But you legit have an autoimmune disease called Hashimoto's. It's a thyroid disorder that can mess with your mood. I mean, you do take supplements and medicines to help you with this, but, I mean, it does affect you. I mean, it's not like you're just a moody guy. I mean, it affects you.

No, I am. I was moody before that.

Well, everybody has their moments.

But in those moments, just try to be a soft place to land for your spouse. Again, not to enable, like, certainly any kind of, like, abusive behavior. No, but that's not what we're talking about here. We're just talking about daily, regular, run of the mill frustrations and prickliness.

Yes, prickliness.

And sometimes when your spouse is being prickly, you're gonna get stung by one of those pricklies, and it's okay. And instead of, like, trying to sting them in return, just giving them some space and trying to show grace.

And what's interesting, too, you know, we show this long suffering, forbearance, bearing with whatever you would like, whatever word floats your boat or keeping or holding space for each other. But what's interesting is I feel like sometimes God gets our attention. Like the other day when I was having that funky day, I was kind of stomping. Like, I literally found myself. I don't even know why. Like, it was towards the end of the night. I think I was just tired, and I got up. The kids were being crazy. You know, we're just now at this recording, getting to the end of summer, and it's just, you know, you're ready for school to start back. It was just one of those days. I walk into the kitchen to go throw something away and literally slip on the dog's pee, fall on my hip. And it kind of got me out of my funk. And I was like, okay. I feel like sometimes things happen and it's just kind of nature's way, God's way of reckoning.

It was like.

It was so funny, though. Like, I had.

When you're already mad and you slip.

You slip on a puddle, a pee.

Puddle, own a house, and then you're covered in your. And you're wounded because you hit the ground. And there's like 10 reasons to be mad all at once.

Well, then we left. I was really mad.

But then once you.

But then we left.

Yeah, once you kind of get over.

The cause, I was okay. I mean, I had a bruise, you know, but it was funny.

So our dog is up for adoption, if anyone's interested.

No, but I'm saying, like, it just, you know, I feel like life sometimes has a way of getting your attention and being like, this isn't a big deal. Like, let's, you know, calm down. Like, there are things that are big deals, but this isn't it, you know, right now. But, you know, let's get back to kind of this myth and kind of what. Why we need to recognize that marriage will not solve all our problems. Like, why, sweetie? Why is that so important that we need to recognize it for a myth?

Well, I'm glad you asked. I think there are a number of reasons. Number one, it puts a completely unrealistic expectation on your spouse and on yourself. Because no matter how many fairy tales you watch, no matter what kind of idea you got in your head about marriage from Hallmark movies and from Disney princesses or wherever else, it's just simply not true that that one person is going to come into your life and solve all your problems. And to think that is to be unfair to them, it's not to say them very much for their humanity and being blind to their imperfections or just to the reality of how serving another person for the rest of your life is inevitably going to create some complications in your own life. It's going to make you way more selfish as a spouse to think, well, I should never have to do anything for this person. They're here to serve me. They're here to make my life easier. So if you go in thinking marriage is going to be all sunshine and roses, then you're going to constantly be disappointed with your spouse and at the same time, constantly expecting them to serve your needs, which is going to make you a terrible spouse.

Right.

So nobody wins in that dynamic. Nobody.

Well, then you end up fighting. And, you know, a lot of times I've talked to couples in this dynamic where one spouse really thinks, like, really had the false belief that goes into this whole myth that, well, you know, he's supposed to solve these specific problems in my life, or she's supposed to solve these specific problems in my life. And when we don't, like you said, when this doesn't match up, oh, my goodness. I mean, you're going to bump heads, and it's going to be hard. And it's like the bubble is burst real quick, you know? And I think that there are, like, that's why I think premarital counseling is so important, because it does get some of those expectations that we really don't even know we have. You know, Like, I mean, I remember I just watching my parents. One of the things they do really well is they are very good partners in, like, home projects.

Oh, yeah, they are.

I mean, they're like masters. They could have their own HGTV show.

Before HGTV was even a thing they could have had.

They were doing that, like, literally. They were like, my house that I grew up in was supposed to be a flip, but then we loved it so much, we stayed for 17 years or whatever. And then they were able from that to build some other things. They have rental properties. I mean, they really love this stuff. My dad builds things. Like, I have this amazing. We have this amazing table in our basement built from reclaimed wood that now our kids gather their friends around literally on a weekly basis, have their little.

Poker games, they have art games.

I mean, it's just so sweet.

And it is. And it's so meaningful that he made that with his own hands.

His own. And it's beautiful. And I love it. I love telling people about it. My mom is a gifted decorator, and she's good with her hands, too. And so that just to give you a framework of who my parents are, mom and Dad, I love You. And if you want to hear from my parents or Dave's parents, you can look it up on the podcast and you can know who these people are. We interviewed both of them. Yeah, I see them on YouTube at separate times. You can watch them on YouTube.

Great interviews.

Such great interviews.

Fun episodes.

I love it. But you know, I grew up watching my parents do this and I remember thinking, well, this is what married couples do. Yeah, they do home projects together. This is what you do. You know, a man uses tools, builds everything, and the woman decorates everything and like she, you know, paints a lot. And like I just had, you know, we don't realize, like, not that I ever verbalize that, but we ended up our first home. And I think we talked about this before, but our first home, the only home we could ever afford, we got very cheaply because it was like literally ready for wrecking ball. And we knew it needed home projects.

The house cost $49,000 back in the day. We didn't have. But I mean, oh no.

Our parents asked us to qualify. My parents, they co signed for that loan, for that loan because we had no credit or bad credit even maybe.

And so they co signed, so we bought with a co signed loan. And I think back then, back when, like mortgages were totally different back then.

Like they were totally.

You could just promise you'd pay it back and they'd be like, okay, here you go. Like, I don't even think we put money down. I don't remember.

We had no money to put down.

So we bought this dirt cheap house. And frankly we overpaid at $49,000.

You guys, it had holes and literally a squirrel colony, like living the floor. My dad had to get like, he had to jack up the floor. Cause it was literally uneven and like, I don't even know how we could occupy that house, to be honest with you. Like, I don't know how it passed any kind of code.

I don't think they were looking.

I don't think they were either.

But we made it. We made it something wonderful with the.

Help of our parents.

A lot of help.

Sweat equity.

Yeah. But what we learned through that is I do not, nor will I ever have. Her father's skill with tools and with home projects.

It's not even about skill as much as love or passion. Right. I was gonna say it's not easier.

I got a little better. I went from terrible to just really bad. I just, I went up that far. No, it's true.

I mean, you're better than like, you really learned some stuff.

Okay. Over 20 years, I've gone from terrible to really bad to now just bad.

It's not true.

But some guys, like her dad, they're gifted, they're passionate. They're enjoy it. They enjoy it, and it's not my thing. And so Ashley had to kind of get over, I'm sure, that initial disappointment of thinking, okay, well, I thought that all guys could do this.

Well, it wasn't like I was disappointed in you. I just thought we had this view.

Of marriage where this is what it looks like.

This is what we do together, too. Cause it was like, you play your role, I play my role. This is how we fix home problems. Like, honestly, it was like, you don't call someone to fix it. You fix it. You figure it out. Because that's what men do. Like, certain problems. I'd be like, well, that's what Dave's supposed to fix. Certain things I'm supposed to fix.

I want to get good at other stuff so that I can make enough money to hire somebody that's actually good at that to do that. And that was like a foreign well.

And honestly, I remember, and my dad's gotten better about this. But when we grew up, like, how we grew up, I mean, we didn't always. We always had more than what we need. But it was a typical American household, you know, so they were watching their bills and stuff. And so a lot of times, just out of necessity, my dad would just fix everything. I mean, literally, he's like the old show MacGyver, you know? He would literally fix it up with some duct tape and toothpicks and maybe some other random wire or something, and he could literally build it, you know, and he did that over and over again. But then I think he also kind of liked it. Cause he's an engineer. He has that brain, and he liked to know how things work. I mean, even as a kid, he was, like, working circuit boards and, like, finding out how to do stuff. Like, he would have been the kids today that build computers. Like, that would have been my dad, you know? And I just think it's his gifting.

Oh, yeah, he's super talented.

Both your parents are. And I just thought. But I thought. I remember the first time we had to have something fixed. I'm like, how are you going to fix it? And you're like, what do you mean, what? Like, I don't. And it was something complicated, too. And I'm like, where's the manual?

Like, something easy for me, like unclogging a Toilet for me.

Oh, you're great at that.

Well, yeah, that's about the extent of it. I get it.

You're good at fixing a lot of things. You really are.

You asked me to fix something around the house. You might as well ask me to do brain surgery. It's like, hey, sweetie, I've got a tumor in my brain. Could you get that out? I mean, that's essentially. That feels as hard to me as some basic home stuff. So. So she's been very grace filled with me. And the thing is, we've ended up now, like, partnering together in more ways than we could imagine.

Early on, it just didn't look like my parents.

It didn't look anything like she thought it would initially.

Right.

But there's so many ways to be partners in marriage.

Exactly.

Even professionally, like, I mean, now, like, all the work we do, we do together.

And working in your gifting, you know what I'm saying? Because I did not. I never saw it as, like, a deficit or something. Cause there's certainly things where. With your parents, like, things that your mom is so good at that I'm not. And thank God you weren't like, well, why don't you do it like mom does? I mean, like, you weren't.

Because I want to have sex sometimes. I know.

I know.

You guys. You want to kill your marriage. Tell your wife, why aren't you more like my mom?

I mean, you'd be like, dagger to the heart. Because, I mean, there are, like, your mom and I are alike in many ways, but we have a lot of differences, too, you know, and it's insane with you and my dad.

I know. And I admire and love your dad. And our gifting's totally different.

And he'd be the first to say that, too, because I remember when we asked him to be on the podcast, he's like, dave, you know, I'm not wired like you. I'm not good with words, and I'm not one to be in front of an audience. Like, I don't see how you guys do this. And, you know, he's always, like, he always just sings your praises, and I love that. And he's like, you know, I love seeing you do what you do. I could never write books like you do. I could never, you know, teach people how to communicate. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I mean, we all have our giftings and our callings in our life.

First off, celebrate that in your spouse.

Exactly.

Never make your spouse or your children, for that matter, or yourself, feel Deficient because you're not wired up like somebody else. Because not only is that an insult to them, it's an insult to God who created them.

Yeah.

God made us each how we're supposed to be. And so celebrate every aspect of how your spouse is made. Celebrate it. Celebrate your differences. Be thankful for your differences.

And don't see it as a problem.

Exactly.

Don't see it as a problem. I think that's the mental switch.

I'm so thankful for your perspective. I never would have seen it that way. Instead of, that's wrong. I would never look at it, so you must be wrong instead. No, I'm so thankful that you're helping me see this in a new light.

Totally. I mean, it's. Gosh, there's so many times where. I mean, Dave, I always say, like, one of the ways where I feel like Dave is just way funnier than me, and you guys would be like, yeah, he is. I mean, Ashley, he's hilarious, you know? But I will tell you, any funny. Any humor that you sense from me is, I'm funnier because of Dave, because I've learned the art of. Of comedy and humor. And so, like, when I do something funny and he just laughs or I make a funny reel or something, he's always like, that was so creative and funny. And I'm like, well, it's because I've been married to you for 23 years. I mean, if you weren't going to be a pastor and a marriage leader in this space, you would have been on snl. Like, you're just so funny. And I love that because that is something that he's helped me get better at. I mean, I'm never going to be on your level, and I know that, but it's like, I don't. I'm not competing with you for that. Like, I love celebrating that in you. That's one of the ways God made you one of the many gifts you have. And so it's just really cool that we celebrate that, that we don't see our differences from whether it's our parents that we're comparing ourselves to or some random couple down the street or a couple in your church. You know, I think sometimes we just get caught in that comparison trap. We need to celebrate who we are, the similarities we have and the differences we have, and not see that as a problem, you know, See that as. As just the unique combination that God put together in our union, you know, and that in and of itself, it just. It puts you in a different space. With how you look at your marriage. Because the reason why this myth is such an issue is because it sets us up to fail. And we want to set each other up to win. And how we win is making sure that we are not believing lies that we don't, you know, set out to fulfill some myth, you know, like, our expectation is based on a myth. Like, we need to basically everything on the truth.

Absolutely. And like we say all the time, you end win together or lose together.

Yeah.

This conversation, it's been helpful for me. Just a great reminder of a lot of great principles about marriage. And we hope that it's been the same for you. And so do us a favor, share this one with somebody because we want to debunk these myths and these misconceptions that keep people stuck. Keep people stuck in ruts they don't need to be in. And so share this episode on social media. And if you want more help for your marriage, go to our ministry's website, xomarriage.com. we would love to see you over there. There's a ton of free resources for you, including the calendar for our events coming up this this season. We would love to see you at one of those as well.

That's right. So we'll see you next time on the Naked Marriage podcast. Bye, guys.