In this interview, host Dennis Prager talks with relationship expert Alison Armstrong about how men and women unintentionally emasculate each other and how traditional gestures can be reframed. Armstrong argues that women often withhold information or resist men’s offers to help because they misinterpret these actions as challenges to their competence, not recognizing that men view providing and protecting as a privilege that requires a woman's "letting" them act. She explains that men’s desire to honor women—such as holding doors—is not about patriarchy but about respect, and that women’s failure to explicitly state their needs can diminish men’s ability to contribute. Armstrong also discusses how men today feel unsafe expressing masculinity, noting a cultural shift where men are less likely to celebrate themselves and more likely to be judged when they appear confident or happy. The conversation highlights communication gaps, the need for safe spaces to express needs, and the impact of these dynamics on both genders.
Chapters
So Alison Armstrong, who has one of the most original minds I've ever encountered, and she applies it especially to men and women. We're talking about emasculating men and in her view emasculating women as well. I'm beginning with the men part. It's, it's, it's, and this very important point you made about the women are in a bind here to, to a certain extent because What renders a man attractive is his strength, and yet you're saying it's somewhat built into women to fear male strength. So I just wanna review that I got that right.
I would say way more than somewhat.
Right, okay, way more than somewhat, fair enough. So that's, we'll revisit that in a moment. I actually wanna talk to you about your insight into a man holding the door for a woman and you said, this is not patriarchy, this is honoring. And so I analyze everything you say, and I thought, you know, that's interesting. If a younger person holds the door for me, it clearly has nothing to do with sex roles or patriarchy. What are they doing? And the answer is they're honoring an older person. So it sort of vindicates What you said.
Yeah, there's just another way that it shows up that's— oh boy, when I unwound this, it changed my life. Women offer to do things for each other when we think the other person can't do it, right? That they don't have enough time or they're overwhelmed or they don't have the ability. And so when a man offers to do something for a woman, it rankles most women. Like, we think you're challenging our ability, so our response will be, "I can do that. I don't need that. I can do that." Because we don't understand that for men, when you admire a woman, it's a privilege to get to provide for her. It's a privilege to get to help her. It's a privilege— men use the word "let." You know, I asked a man once, "Why do you do so much for me?" and he said, "Because you let me." me. Men know a woman has to let you do something for her and they're pleased when we do, when we let you do something for us. Women don't think in these terms. We don't understand what men are motivated by, how much you want to protect us, how much you want to provide for us. And one of the biggest ways we reduce a man's ability to produce results is we don't tell you how. We think if you really cared about us, you'd already know how to protect me. Me and what to protect. You don't— you already know what to provide for me. You'd already know. And this is one of the ways that women emasculate men all the time, and with— usually without knowing it. We don't consciously withhold the information. We just think we don't need to say it or shouldn't have to.
And why should you not have to?
Because if you really loved me, you'd be paying enough attention to pick up on my hints. Just like I'm watching you like a hawk, you know, to pick up on what it is that you want when you're not going to bother to say it, because of course there's no point in stating the obvious. You think what you need is obvious, so you don't tell us either. This is one of the ways that men diminish a woman's ability to produce results. You don't tell us what you want. And And there's a— this is where a lot of extraordinary behavior comes in. Like, we literally have to make it safe for another person to tell us what they need. And mostly we don't. Mostly what we've needed has been ridiculed or argued with or dismissed or rejected or, you know, psychologized. And, you know, so people don't feel safe just speaking up and saying, "This is what I need." "Oh, okay. Yeah, I'd like to provide that for you." So these are all victories, what I would call victory of the human spirit, to actually provide information, ask for information. Stunning what happens when you do it. The results are amazing.
Do you think that men were— when we get to women, and well, we already have gotten to women, but with regard to men, do you think men were more masculine 50 and 100 years ago in America?
I think men were less self-emasculating. That's one of the heartbreaks I've encountered in the last 30 years is men not having faith in men, men thinking men are awful. You know, when our workshop was called Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women, I'd have at least as many men say, what's there to celebrate? Men are jerks. I think it's not safe for men to be masculine, like they get attacked, you know, the more powerful you feel or happy, when men are happy, women will attack them 'cause we sense the power in your happiness. So, it's, so I think we kinda underground, I think there's more underground frustrated masculinity and Okay, hold on, hold on with that.
And we'll return in a moment with Alison Armstrong.
