In this monologue, Dennis Prager ridicules the Columbia University Marching Band’s decision to dissolve itself after acknowledging a history of racism, misogyny, and sexual harassment. He frames the band’s self‑termination as a parody of communist rhetoric, likening the unanimous, enthusiastic vote to Soviet propaganda and Mao’s Cultural Revolution. Prager repeatedly mocks the claim that the band caused "irreparable damage" to victims, using exaggerated sarcasm and rhetorical questions about therapy and abuse. He questions the seriousness of the allegations, points out the presence of Black members in a band photo, and derides the notion that a marching band could be a source of cultural oppression. The piece ends with a tongue‑in‑cheek promotion of a Prager‑related phone line (1‑800‑PRAGER‑776).
Chapters
116 years of injury. How many things you think of in America have been injurious for 116 years? This is one of them, the Columbia University marching band. They canceled themselves. That is exactly right. This is what— this is why we are entering Mao's Cultural Revolution. It's exactly what they did then. With this decision, the current band attempts to take responsibility both for harm directly caused by present band members and for injuries which occurred at other times in the band's history. Listen to this now. This is truly straight out of communist Rhetoric. The band has unanimously and enthusiastically decided to dissolve. This— the unanimity and enthusiasm issues— exactly stuff that comes from Pravda. What is it? Pravdalzhenie aplaudismiante. I think that was the way they put it. Prolonged, continuing applause after Khrushchev or Stalin would speak. You didn't merely applaud, you applauded with enthusiasm. Now this is an amazing thing. Do you— wait, listen to this. This is really something. They enthusiastically decided to dissolve. Now, regretfully, sadly, enthusiastically— I no longer exist enthusiastically. The Columbia University Marching Band will not continue to exist in any capacity and will no longer serve as a Columbia Spirit Group. Columbia University Marching Band apologizes for insult and injury victims have experienced as a result of actions perpetrated in its name. Why don't they— what are they talking about? I mean, is it like a raping institution? Is it— what is the Columbia University Marching Band except a marching band? The band has maintained a club structure founded— oh, founded on the basis of racism, cultural oppression. Misogyny, and sexual harassment. I gotta get a picture of the, uh, get a picture up, would you, of the Columbia University marching band. Wanna get an idea of what, I already have an idea, but I wanna get a better idea of who we're talking about. While substantial efforts have been made in recent years towards undoing decades of wrongdoing, we as a band feel ultimately that it is impossible to reform an organization so grounded in prejudiced culture and traditions. So all of you listening, what does that mean to you? What does it mean that the Columbia University marching band, which is sort of as innocuous a group as you could think of, why would you think they are grounded in impossible to reform prejudiced culture and traditions? What does that mean? I'll tell you what I think it means. I think it means that no matter what they did, they didn't get many non-whites to join the marching band. That's what I think it means. The band understands that for many, the damage experienced at the hands of the CUMB, Columbia University Marching Band, may be irreparable. Irreparable damage. Can you imagine that? Irreparable damage. I would just like to know if somebody has seen a therapist and said— and this therapist goes, well, what's the issue? I'm sorry to say, doctor, but I have suffered irreparable— irreparable, that means you can't repair, that's what it means— irreparable damage. Really? Were you abused as a child? No, no. Were you mugged, raped? Nope. At the hands of whom? The Columbia University Marching Band. So here I'm looking at the picture here. That— is this a recent picture? So here is— I exactly what I guessed. I don't see— of course that doesn't mean anything because you can't tell who's Black all the time anymore. There, I see a Black girl. Oh, there's two. I see two. So I wonder if the two Black girls in the picture felt that they were irreparably damaged by the Columbia University marching band. Now, I would love to interview all of them and say, do you believe that you have irreparably damaged people? I mean, they're walking around, you know, with the instruments that they play in their hands. The thing the left hates it because it's old. Anything old is hated. They hate it because it's happy, it's corny, it's not woke, it's not angry. I mean, if there's anything you don't associate with a university marching band, it's great anger. Is that fair to say? This is, this is truly— what could one say? The band has maintained a club structure founded on the basis of racism, cultural oppression, misogyny, and sexual harassment. Really? Cultural oppression? Huh. And misogyny. I mean, half the members are female. It is founded on it. Columbia is so sick that it's a race to the bottom among universities. Who is the morally and intellectually sickest? While substantial efforts have been made in recent years toward undoing decades of wrongdoing, we as a band feel ultimately that it is impossible to reform an organization so grounded in prejudiced culture and traditions. Uh, then we did the— oh yes, that's right. All right. We hope that the CUMB's disbandment can create a space that allows for the formation of a new spirit group that will provide a safe and inclusive outlet for students to play music at Columbia. So do I. 1-800-PRAGER-776.
