Timeless Wisdom: Male/Female Hour - The Role of Sex in a Husband's Life

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Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Hear thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs. And to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles, go to DennisPrager.com.

I'm old-fashioned. I like two sexes. Yeah, and another thing, all of a sudden I don't like being married to what is known as a new woman. I want a wife, not a competitor. Competitor. Competitor.

Talk about it a bit, this crying in the morning thing, this depression, you know? Let's get that fixed.

That's what men think, isn't it?

What?

Unless you've got the answer, unless you can say, "Oh, I know this bloke in the Essex Road who could fix that," then there's no point bothering. How do you write women so well?

I think of a man and I take away reason and accountability.

I love him, I love him, and I don't care what you think. I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man that he almost is.

What do people have rows about? Money, sex, sex, money. He wants, she doesn't want. She wants, he doesn't want. Women have always been a big problem to me, Dr. Fussman. Are you listening, Doctor? Yes, yes, yes, go on, go on. Alrighty everybody, welcome to the Male-Female Hour on the Dennis Prager Show, a truly honest look at men and women every week this hour, second hour of my 3-hour show Wednesdays. And I persist in the hour because of the tremendous feedback that I receive from you in email and what you tell me when I come to speak in your various cities. I wish I could just video all the couples who've come over, or one member of a couple, to to say that it has saved their marriage or tremendously helped their marriage. And that's what gives me tremendous comfort and encouragement. And it's because that's my agenda. My agenda is clarity and the belief that clarity is our friend, not our enemy. And oftentimes they are very difficult subjects. That will be the case this hour, a difficult subject. I should also mention in advance that although it's perfectly appropriate for teenagers, perhaps, perhaps, and I'm not even certain, I guess it's not a subject that you'd want a 10-year-old necessarily or an 8-year-old to hear. Many of my shows are listened to by kids, and I am delighted by that fact. But this is one of those hours that perhaps you might think a second time about that. And it is in part a revisiting of something that I know has been eye-opening to many women, as would be expected. There are things about men and their sexual nature, for example, that a woman can't intuit. It's too foreign. It's too different. But this one is when it is perceived by a woman who loves her man and is perceived for the first time or much clearer than before is life-changing. And, and that is an almost counterintuitive understanding of the role that sex plays in a husband's life. See, on the one hand, male sexual nature can easily, and in fact is almost designed, to simply have sexual relations without necessarily any commitment. Uh, the, the, the male libido is, is, is churning, is running, and attractive woman, and that's all that's necessary to consummate that act. That is, that is male sexual nature in a nutshell. Yet at the same time, and this is, this is almost As I say, it's not only counterintuitive, it's also almost the opposite of what I have just said. Alongside that ability which exists in men more than in women to go from sexual relation to sexual relation to sexual relation and not have any emotional commitment involved, and not even— and enjoy it without any emotional commitment. Aside from that, the opposite seems to be true when it comes to the woman that a man chooses to live with the rest of his life, i.e., marries. And that is that while whatever was said about his nature is true, her having relations with him is one of the most powerful ways, if not the most powerful, for many men, for most men, to know that she loves him. Or to put it more powerfully, because it's more clear perhaps in the negative, if he doesn't have sex with his wife, he does not believe she loves him. That is, and that is not true the other way around. I mean, it is of course true the other way around in a literal sense. If a man never makes love to his wife, then she wonders if he loves her. Of course, that's obvious. Of course. But there's a big difference between never and rarely. And the man denied sex believes that she does not love him. And gets angry and then closes down because he can't express his anger because he's afraid to. Will he seem too demanding? Does he seem like an animal? Does he seem perverted? Does he seem hypersexed? And also, it's demeaning for a man. A man doesn't want to beg his wife for sex. Even asking for it, he feels so often demeaned. These are not things that are intuitive to a woman. One is not blaming women for not knowing this. There's no way unless they're told. But once told, it's not deniable. The number of men walking around feeling unloved, even if the wife is a good mother and, you know, kind in other ways, and that's all important, of course. These are all important things. But this part of a marriage can shatter virtually everything. And if your husband has clammed up, if he has become unexpressive— now, if he was never expressive, this may not hold. But if he has become far less expressive, more, more closed, more into himself, it is hard for me to imagine that his sexual needs are being met. If they are and he's closed, then there are other factors. That's obvious. This is often a sort of revelation to a wife, the significance emotionally of sex. Psychologically, not just physically. See, women will understandably— wives will understandably think, oh, my husband, you know, he has a— he wants it more than I do. That's, that's the stereotype, and it's a stereotype because it's true. Most, most men want it more often than their wives do. That's correct. But if it's just dismissed as that, and it is infrequent. Now, infrequent is a very subjective term, I fully acknowledge that, and I will take— I will truly go out on a limb and offer a number, a guideline that might even determine what is too infrequent. And here I think a man and a woman can reach some sort of compromise, but putting that aside till later, somebody should ask me about it. And I'll give you a thought on it, but where it is infrequent, he does not feel loved. Then he gets demanding, then he stops demanding, then he gets angry, and then he gets silent. That's the way it works. In other words, men see a woman's desire to please him physically as a major statement of her love for him. This is not something that is told to women when they marry. He— this is how— this is one of the major ways he will know you love him, by your availability in the physical realm, your desire, and indeed compounded with, if you want, if you take care of the way you look, These are gifts to him. Now, if he's unworthy of that, then I have nothing to say. I'm talking about a husband you love. I'm not talking about a husband you have contempt for, or a husband you dislike, or a husband that, uh, that who is— you have both decided to become roommates. But if you love your husband, this is a— there is no way like this to show that you love him, believe it or not. And there are many ways to show you love him, as he has many ways to show he loves you. And we have discussed that, and I will return to that too, because he has to show he loves you just as much as you have to show that you love him. 1-800-PRAGER-776, 1-800-PRAGER-776, which is 877-243-7776. I would— I invite your calls.

This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.

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Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom.

This is the male-female hour on the Dennis Prager Show. I'm Dennis Prager. Every week this hour is devoted to subjects about men and women. I return to perhaps the most sensitive and almost never discussed one because it's so easily misunderstood. Made fun of. It's so easily ridiculed, which is part of the reason men don't talk to their wives about it, because they feel so easily ridiculed and diminished by it. I am doing a service here for the many men who won't speak to their wives about this out of embarrassment, and needs— but yet it needs to be addressed. And that is what what infrequent sex means to most husbands. It means they are not loved. And it's counterintuitive, as I said, because men can so easily separate sex and love. So then a woman might think, well, why would he then associate them if he can so easily dissociate them? And so it is— I admit that it's complex. But its complexity does not deny its reality. This, this, my dear, dear wives, is how first and foremost, certainly in, in, for much of the marriage, I mean, I, I guess that there is a certain point in a marriage where, where that, that tapers off naturally for both sexes, and I'm not addressing that. But for the, the great majority of marriages in the great majority of years This is first and foremost how a woman says to her husband, I love you. There are many ways a man says, and we have covered them and we will cover them, but let me do this one. And if you are a man who identifies with this issue, call so that people can hear you. 1-800-PRAGER-776. 877-243-7776. And let's go to Nathan in Maple Grove, Minnesota. Hello, Nathan. Dennis Prager.

Hey, Dennis.

Hi.

Um, one of your last comments, you had said that, uh, you feel that men need to feel loved just as much as women need to feel loved, correct?

Well, of course.

Okay, well, I disagree with that. I, I think that respect is infinitely more Oh, I see what you mean.

Okay, that's fair. You mean, in other words, women want to be loved, men want to be respected.

Well, and it's also a command in the Bible. I know this is, you know, this is biblically based that God commands— or was it Jesus? I'm sorry, I can't remember at the exact moment. Uh, but there was a command in the Bible for women to respect their husbands because they already love naturally, and there was a command for men to love their wives because they already respect naturally. They don't love naturally, they have to learn how to do it. Just as much as women have to learn, you know, how to respect men. And I think that that's infinitely bigger of an issue because when a woman feels that she's not loved, she acts in a disrespecting way. And when a man feels disrespected, he acts in an unloving way.

All right, you're adding— all right, fine, you're adding yet another layer to what is already complex. I am not delving into why it has happened in a marriage. There may be 100 reasons. I am merely describing a fact that too rarely is openly acknowledged. The role of her sexual availability to his believing that she loves him. If you will respect him, that's fine. That's fine too, because he feels demeaned and diminished. To go begging for it and then stops and then clams up. It's a very— it's a complex institution, marriage. If it were not, then vast numbers would, would not be in trouble. Remember, if about half of the— of marriages divorce— and I know the debate, well, it's not really 50%, it's really, you know, it— for all intents and purposes, it's about half. And if it's 40%, fine, I'd— I I have no vested interest in the number. It's a vast number. My only point is that for everyone who isn't divorcing, it's hardly a wonderful marriage. We're talking about the divorces, but that doesn't mean that every non-divorcing couple isn't— is, is having a good relationship. So clearly the majority of marriages are troubled, and so we need to understand and, and be adult in our recognizing the complexity of, of it, of it working. And one of those things is what I am describing today. It is hardly the only component of marriage, but it is an indispensable one for the vast majority of marriages. And this is how a man interprets, uh, the, the unavailability of his wife. Okay, let's go to Keith in Tampa, Florida. Keith, Dennis Prager, the Male-Female Hour. Hi.

Hey Dennis, hi. You nailed it right on the head concerning, uh, women are not told these things in marriage or before they're married. Uh, I was married to a woman for 20 years and our marriage ended up, uh, disastrously in a divorce for exactly the same reasons that you described. Uh, she no longer considered sex important in the marriage and I felt exactly like you said, slowly drifting away, and eventually I clammed up.

Well, I, I, I thank you for saying what millions of men are thinking. That's right. Now here's an irony. This was known much more generations ago, but with the, the, uh advent of widespread university education, people have been taught the opposite of reality. And so this— the better educated the person in the liberal arts, the less likely they are to believe this. I know this because when I wrote about this last year in some columns, the ridicule and the venom spewed at me on the internet from feminist websites on how much better it is if a woman who loves her husband— I kept saying that— if he's worthy of your respect and love, how important it is to him to have sex. I was attacked for advocating marital rape. You can check it out on the internet. How is that possible? How can what I'm saying be even close to such an obscenity? Well, the answer was, well, he's putting emotional pressure on women to have sex with their husbands. That's now considered marital rape. That a man wrote an article saying that it is better for a marriage, even if you're not in the mood, often to have sex with your husband. All right, anyway, I am more interested in telling the truth than in being loved, and it's a very liberating way to live a life. This is a subject that needs to be said. Somebody ought to do this in premarital counseling, and I'll bet it is done. Premarital counseling is probably a great idea. It may forestall a lot of divorce. 1-800-PRAGER-776, the male-female hour of the Dennis Prager Show.

This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.

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Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom.

Why does it always seem to be me looking at you with you looking Hi everybody, welcome back. The Male-Female Hour on The Dennis Prager Show. Very sensitive and often marriage-saving subject if in fact people, and in this case to be honest, if wives are prepared to hear it. Just to make it clear again, if you, if your husband is unworthy of your love then this is all academic. It's— the point is moot, and you might as well be humming Mozart, uh, or, uh, or whatever you prefer to hum at any given time. But if your husband is a decent man, a good man worthy of your love, and you want to have a good marriage, not just one that lasts, because they're often not related, those two, those two facts, then this is, this is critically important to know, just as there are things that a man needs to know that are critically important. About love and marriage, and that is the importance of sex to him emotionally. It is often dismissed as just a physical urge, and by golly, just as people overcome physical urges to 100 other things, they can overcome this physical urge to sex. But in a marriage, he has given up his, his natural instinct, which is polygamous, to, to have many women. He has given that part of him, of his male nature, up. Why do men often get scared before marriage? It's over that, not over the woman. It's over that. And, uh, and has given over to her that staggering power of his being able to meet a, a a God-given or nature-given deep need. And if it is not fulfilled, and it's never perfectly fulfilled, it's— it's— men, you need to know this, just, you're not made to be perfectly satisfied in this way. Hugh Hefner is not perfectly satisfied, or, or if he is, that's the type of life you would have to lead in order to be perfectly satisfied in that arena. But of course it's a life of such staggering superficiality that you might shoot yourself out of boredom. But that's a separate issue somewhat. But the power of the woman in this regard is, is critical, and it's a— it's often a make-or-break issue in a relationship. Let's go to Parker, Colorado, and Debbie. Hello, Debbie. Dennis Prager.

Hi, Dennis.

Hi.

It's such an honor to speak with you, and I just want to let you know that your Male-Female Hour has added incredible value to my marital life.

Oh, good. That, that's what I love hearing. Thank you.

So I'm 48, I've been married 21 years, and about 10 years ago my husband said that when we have sex, he feels he's loved and valued by me. It's exactly what you said about 15 minutes ago.

Well, he— I am happy that he felt free to tell this to you. I am happy that you listened.

Well, I'm happy too because he said that at a time in our, in our life that was very difficult and You know, through 21 years we've had our ups and downs, and we're back on the upside again. So, you know, I've just made myself available at least once a week, whether I want it or not, and, and it's, it's definitely helped.

Thank you, Debbie. You've helped a lot of people because some people may think, oh well, who's he? He's just a man. But yes, of course. By the way, that's All right, I'm going to deal with the third rail here of the frequency issue, okay? Because if people avoid some guideline number, it leaves everybody in the lurch. And I regret in my two-part column about women not being in the mood that I didn't specify, because it could easily be inferred from what I wrote that I meant every day or you're a lousy wife. And, and I don't, I don't believe that, and it's not true, and it's hardly what I'm thinking. I, I would say that for a healthy couple— healthy, I mean physically healthy, emotionally healthy, with, with the provisos that nobody's perfectly emotionally healthy, obviously— and certainly in early age and middle age The number I will give you as soon as we return. That, that is blatant, blatant radio formatics. Blatant. Back in a moment. Male-Female Hour, Dennis Prager. All right, my friends, Dennis Prager here. This is the male-female hour. Betty at the Prager office tells me that she's getting a whole bunch of calls from men because it's— in particular because it's hit such a nerve, this topic, which It's meant to. I don't know if nerve is the word. It's hit the heart and people's thoughts here. And I will tell you, it is about what happens to a husband when deprived regularly or often of sexual intimacy. As you heard from a man who called earlier, he just eventually got angry, stopped talking, clammed up, and then ultimately it ended the marriage. And, uh, then the question becomes, and it's got to be answered in at least with some guideline, with the understanding that for everybody this may not be the perfect answer, but well, what is infrequent? What does that mean? And here's a rough guideline for a healthy, in other words, a normal couple. A healthy guideline would be 3 to 4 times a month as a basic minimum, as a guideline minimum. Now I think a lot of women now are relieved because they probably thought, well, what, you know, he wants it every day. Now, if it's more than that, that's wonderful. It's also wonderful for her, by the way, in the final analysis, if he knows what he's doing. And I mean that psychologically and physically, and those are also aspects to this. I have another guideline here, and that is that— and this may be controversial, and for different people different things work— but I don't believe in an all-or-nothing approach on these matters. To be sexually playful without necessarily going the whole way is also, for many men, a tension reliever. A man told me who had been married about 20 years and obviously divorced told me, because I have interviewed a fair number of men and will continue to do so and interview women, and said to me that in the course of his marriage, if he would playfully touch his wife, let's say they'd both be in the kitchen alone, no kids around, no friends around, anybody else, and grab her tush, she would always say, this is not the place, this is not the place, don't, oh, stop it, stop it. That too, that is the same as no It's so trivial, and yet it's the same as no in the bedroom. And now, men have to understand when is okay and when is not to. I mean, this is a game where common sense applies and a whole host of things, but if he knows that him doing that is saying, I see you. Sexually. That is great for you, dear woman. That is great. You should only be so blessed that your husband sees you sexually for decade after decade after decade. It is the cement of relationships. Otherwise, he could have married a guy or stayed single and gone from woman to woman, but he chose you to be with forever. Now, people want a copy of this show because they would like their, their husband or wife or both to hear this. And every show is available to you. The most obvious way is to simply to subscribe to the show for a miserable $7 a month, and then you get every show when you want it to download. You go to PragerTopia at either DennisPrager.com or PragerRadio.com. It's called PragerTopia. If you just want one show, you can even get that. Go to DennisPrager.com or call my office, 800-225-8584, 800-225-8584. This, uh, these are not easy things to say. If I choose a topic for ease, this would not be the one I would choose. I, I, in fact, I want to have a nap after this. It is so I have to pick every word so carefully, but I know the importance of the subject. Okay, let's go to Connie in Shakopee, Minnesota. Hello, hello Connie, Dennis Prager.

Oh, hi Dennis, can you hear me?

I sure can.

I love you and I love your show, and I've met you a couple times at the State Fair in Minnesota.

Thank you, good.

And got your picture, I love it. But anyway, um, what I'm calling for is I just disagree with one little portion of what you've been saying in, in this male-female hours, other times too. Well, I'm a Christian, so I don't want to sound too worldly, you know, but I do— I'm choosing my words carefully. Um, I believe a woman's greatest need is to be desired, especially by her husband, because you want to keep knowing that he desires you down the road, right?

Right.

So if he shuts down and quits pursuing you after you've seemed too busy, or you've had babies, or you're angry about something, or whatever, then she starts to wonder, why doesn't he love me or desire me anymore? What am I, chopped liver? You know?

No, you're absolutely right. We— where do you think we differ?

Well, because, um, I think you said earlier something about a woman should act like you desire him, and you do, but you want to be pursued like you always have been. Otherwise, you feel like you're undesirable.

Entirely right. The only question is, which came first, the chicken or the egg? Did her refusal, as compared to earlier times in the marriage, uh, let's say, or, or for those who engaged in this before marriage is, did the later refusals cause him to stop desiring, or did his stopping desiring shut her down? These are questions that a couple has to ask themselves individually and each other. Whatever the answer, we're both right. What could be better than his desiring you and and, you know, rubbing your tush in the kitchen. Back in a moment.

This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.

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Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom.

Hi everybody, Dennis Prager here. The final segment of this edition of the Male-Female Hour on the unspoken and not even expected reality that for a husband, being made love to actually is his way of knowing first and foremost that he is loved. When that breaks down, he doesn't feel it, closes up, gets angry, and then things are very bad. Uh, let's go to Heather in Thousand Oaks, California. Hi Heather, Dennis Prager.

Hi Dennis.

Hi.

Um, I just wanted to say, you know, my mother did teach me those things before I was married, and it's just been a huge blessing in our marriage. And I know that, you know, she basically taught me, okay, when your husband's stressed, you need to just pay attention, and sometimes intimacy will really help him. And, you know, at first I thought, well, you know, what if I'm not in the mood? But what I found is that when I give of myself when I don't feel like it, I always get much more in return.

That's right. You, you should, you should send— is your mother still living?

Yes.

Give your mother a big hug. In fact, I take it back, your husband should give your mother a big hug. This is not told anymore though, because a lot of the mothers are baby boomers who were raised in the age of stupidity, which was inaugurated in the '60s. Just as we had a Renaissance and an age of reason, we now live in the age of stupidity, when these common sense facts of life are just denied. And, uh, we have, uh, the results have been catastrophic for so many people. And so, yes, uh, let's see, Julian Denver, her husband and she have been married for 21 years. She calls sex husband insurance. It's, it's so, it's so common sense. And of course, the issue which I've discussed and written about, the question of mood, the, the age of stupidity, if I had to characterize why it's been such a foolish age, because it has told people to do things only if they feel like doing it. And that is the single dumbest piece of advice a human being can ever be given. Only do something if you feel like doing it. I cannot think of much good that would happen on Earth if people acted always when they felt like it and only when they felt like it, and that includes sex in marriage. To, uh, to the others— well, most have hung up. Bill and Heather, I didn't get to you. And then forgive me. Again, this hour and all are available at the DennisPrager.com or at 800-225-8584. All right, this has been the Male-Female Hour, and I thank you for listening. Don't go away.

This has been Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Visit DennisPrager.com for thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs. To purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles. Your beloved dog and a stranger are both drowning. You can only save one. Who do you save? Every time Dennis Prager asks that question, his audience splits three ways. One-third chooses the dog, one-third chooses the stranger, and one-third aren't sure. Why? Because we live in an age where increasingly feelings define right and wrong. But if morality is based on emotion, then murder, rape, and theft are just opinions. And if people feel justified, why is rioting or destruction wrong at all? In his new book, If There Is No God, Dennis Prager explains why civilizations cannot survive without objective morality and why Judeo-Christian values shape the moral foundations of the free world.

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