Timeless Wisdom - Male/Female Hour: What Men Want for V-Day

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Hey everybody, Dennis Prager here. Male-Female Hour, every Wednesday, the second hour of the show devoted to honest— that's the key— honest talk about men and women. As I say almost every week, I'm not a man fan and I am not a woman fan. I'm a good person fan, and I'm a fan of men and women bonding, marrying, and hopefully getting along better. One of the ways to get along better is to understand each other better. Now I'm going to talk about a subject that I haven't talked about in a while, but I get a tremendous amount of feedback from people because I have been so open about the subject— sex. I think we should, you know, say this might not be one of those— oh yeah, this might not be one for kids. That's correct. Thank you for, uh, for noting that. 99% of my shows I would love kids to listen to. This might not be one of them. I mean, we're not graphic in any way whatsoever, but nevertheless, that's the subject. So it arose because we're approaching Valentine's Day, which I think is a good thing. I think all the holidays are a good thing. I'm not a Halloween fan, but I don't care. People enjoy it, let them enjoy themselves. But I think they're good things. I think that romance is a good thing. I think expressions of romantic love are good things. What could be bad about it, right? And I mean it. So there are two studies. I mean, probably 400, but there were two that I— the one that I saw, which is what engendered this topic. This was in the Daily Mail. Big headline: Relationship expert busts the biggest myths about romance. And one of— so they, in the Daily Mail, which is in England, it's a very interesting website, and they have bullet points, and one of the bullet points is men prefer sex to to gifts, while women care more about thought than extravagance. Perth— I guess Australia— Perth dating coach Luanne Ward clarified common misconceptions, and this was, uh, this was one of them. 90%— a resounding 90% of men surveyed by illicit encounters said sex was their number one wish for Valentine's Day. And that they think— that's a very good point from the Triple G and any other day. And in a leap year, that adds a day, just for the record. Now let me make something clear. I know this, I'm going to get emails where it's where the relationship is inverted, where the woman wants it more than, than the man does. And I know that happens. And life is filled with frustration. But I'm talking about the normal problem. And if it's a problem at all, but it's It's, it's a significant thing, and it's— I've always— I must admit, this has been somewhat of a puzzle to me. If you love your husband, and that's a big if, you— and I'll give you more ifs— if you love your husband and he's a good man, those are the two ifs, okay? The two big ifs. Why wouldn't you have sex with him, uh, perhaps more often. And I don't, I don't, I'm not pushing for daily, but when I get emails, I got an email this week from a man who loves his wife. I mean, he wrote, he was emphatic, I love her, she's a great mother, she's a great wife even, but we haven't had sex in 5 years. So he asked me for advice. By the way, advice is spelled with a C, not an S. S is advise, C is advice. There's another word that's commonly misspelled, as is lose. It's amazing how many people spell lose L-O-O-S-E. I am, it can only be a function of people not reading. But anyway, I get those, by the way, he says advice. And my heart goes out to this guy, but what am I— what is— I said, you know the answer. Here are your choices. Make peace with it, improve the situation, or divorce. I mean, he knows. There's no such thing as it. What am I going to give advice? I'd like to give her advice. I wish I could speak to her. You know, I'd rather speak to the wife of that man who wrote me that than I would any person in the world, any president, any prime minister. Do you know that? And you know I'm telling the truth because I have very little interest in famous people. Even as a kid, they didn't interest me. I always preferred to be with friends for dinner. I still do, but I, I mean it. Maybe this man is listening. Sir, I would rather talk to your wife in private, uh, so that she doesn't have you around for where tension might arise than anyone that I could think of in the world. How's that? Because I would love to know what, given the importance to your husband, whom you love? I would say, do you love him? I assume she'd say yes. Do you feel he's a good man? I think she'd say yes. So what would she say? Maybe you could help me. Do you know what this woman might say if she loves him and he's a good man? Don't call up and tell me, well, you know, of course she's angry at him. If she's angry at him, then Okay, so then she doesn't think he's a good man. Are you angry at a good man? Or at least would you acknowledge that you're angry at a good man? So Valentine's Day is coming up. So this is the study, the Daily Mail, from this Australian advisor to couples. And she said 90% of the men prefer, would prefer for Valentine's Day sex. Over, uh, over a gift. Okay, so next, YouGov. What's YouGov? It's not a government thing, is it? It's like you determine. You determine. Oh, oh, oh, not government. You govern, as it were. Yeah, it's a famous site. Yeah. Okay, so this is, uh, this is their listing. The thing men most want for Valentine's Day: sexual acts/favors. Second, a card. Third, chocolates and candy. Fourth, wine, liquor. And sixth, electronics. It's a strange— it's a strange survey. I mean, in the first place, honey, would you like sex or a card? The guy would think you're joking. That's his only possible reaction. Sex or chocolate? Hmm. Let me think about that and I'll get back to you next Valentine's Day. Women, this is awesome. Women's preferences, this is on YouGov. Number 1, chocolates and candy. Number 2, a card. Number 3, flowers. Number 4, jewelry. Number 5, certificate for massage/spa day. Did you notice that something's not on that list that's on the men's list? Electronics. What do you make of all this, my dear listeners? Men and women, 1-800-PRAAGER, 776-877-243-7776. Valentine's Day special.

This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. Now, back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom.

Hey everybody, Dennis Prager here, 1-800-PRAGER-776. 877-243-7776. It's such a sensitive subject that people don't talk about it. I mean people, I mean couples don't talk about it. Very few people publicly talk about it. And it's, it's not like, you know, the weather. There's an old line, and it was Mark Twain. Everybody talks about the weather and nobody does anything about it. But it's not like everybody talks about this. It's obviously a big subject, so to speak, but it's, uh, issues surrounding it and the issue itself I got to tell you, the emails that I have received over the course of the years, not just from men, but mostly from men, about their sexless marriage is heartbreaking. And it's that they're so often accompanied by a lover. Look, you know, I'm a behaviorist in every arena, including sex. I don't care how people feel one-tenth as much as I care how they act. Actions are everything in life. I mean, obviously speech matters, but actions are everything. I don't understand, and I never say I don't understand as a euphemism for I don't agree. I don't understand. I admit it. It's part of the reason I'm raising this on the Male-Female Hour, which this is. What do you think? I wish I had printed out that letter from this man who said, you know, I love her, she's a great wife, she's a great mother, and we haven't had sex in 5 years. What do you advise? That was the gist of the letter. And then I read to you because this is Valentine's Day, you know, the top of the list for men is what they want is sex, both in two big surveys, Australia and in the US. And, you know, women, it's chocolates and flowers and dinner and so on, all of which is nice, by the way. No argument against that. I know that people, most men make peace with the fact that their drive is different from their wives. Their wives. Their wives. Their wives. That's why they had wives. But I don't understand, what I don't understand is not nature. I get that female and male natures are different. What I don't understand is what does it cost you? This is the— this is— I'm putting it as starkly as I can. What does it cost you to say, okay honey, let's, uh, let's have this time together? There was a quote, it's painful, somebody wrote to me asking for it and I couldn't find it. I only remember that I think it was a French woman and I can't find it on the internet, but the quote was something to the effect— she said, you know, to think of the amount of joy I can bring him for 20 minutes. I mean, you pick your— you pick your number. I'm sure it's between 5 and an hour. And he the joy that I could bring him for 20 minutes. Why wouldn't I? It's— why doesn't that strike you as a compelling argument? Well, I wrote this up on the internet when my wife is not in the mood, and I was At Huffington Post, I think it was. Might have been MoveOn.org. It's one of those two. Somebody wrote, and it's up there, you could actually Google it, Dennis Prager advocates marital rape. This is the impossibility of dialogue with the left, because they don't dialogue. They smear. It's almost always true. That's what's so amazing. It's not an aberration. But I, I, I'm telling you this so you will know how difficult it is to address such issues honestly. The idea that you should do something you don't want to do is alien to so many in America, and that's a very big problem. Because that's called narcissism. What I think almost every man— I think, and I say almost, I'm talking good men. The whole thing surrounds good women and good men. I'm not talking about bad women or bad men. I think if you said to most men, hey, you know what, periodically, if you did X for 20 minutes, you would make your wife so happy, it would just lighten life. And I think most guys would give a lot of money to find out really what 20 minutes could I engage in that would bring my wife such a sense of being loved and happiness, right? I don't think those 20 minutes exist. So I, I don't know, it's so simple to me that I don't quite— that's why I say I don't quite understand. And that's based, you know, I don't know, 15 years of the Male-Female Hour, an entire life of talking on the issue, a series of audio tapes which is at PragerUtopia now available. Every single one of the speeches we've ever put up is now available at pragerutopia.com. It's really worth your time. I had a course on male sexuality. I gave it at a synagogue, but I was very, very open. I'm always open. If you're not open, you can't do any good. All right, y'all, and let's get some of your responses. Linda in Portland, thank you for calling.

Hello, can you hear me?

I certainly can.

Okay, the 20 minutes do exist.

The 20 minutes— I'm sorry, do exist? Oh, for the woman.

20 minutes. So I think—

wait a minute, are you gonna— forgive me because I'm just gonna take a break. You must stay on. I'm not letting you go. I really want to hear that. We'll be back in a moment. This is the Male-Female Hour, second hour every Wednesday. The Dennis Prager Show.

The Dennis Prager Show.

Hello, my friends. I'm Dennis Prager. It's the male-female hour every Wednesday, the second hour. I was reading to you surveys in the U.S. and Australia. The number one gift that a guy would like for Valentine's Day is sex. And it was not on the list of the women's greatest desires. And this is not a knock, it's nothing. People have to be mature and face reality. But I, I'm posing a question that is, if you love him and he's a good man— these are two huge ifs— but if they exist, uh, what's, what's the issue? And I'm not talking about even anything approaching daily. What's the issue with You know, I get, I get so many letters, it's been 5 years, or it's been, you know, longer, or a year or 2 years, you know, it's not— we're talking about illness. So I don't, I don't quite get it. So, so Linda in Portland might be, uh, so did you call to tell me what 20 minutes a woman wants, or answer the question about Not men not getting it.

Both.

I'll start with the man.

Okay. Are you married?

I'm married for— I got married in 2001, so what is that, 19 years?

Yes.

Yeah, October. Yeah. So, and I'm faithfully married, I'm happily married, but I know that men and women are very different and it's a struggle every day. And it's love is a choice, as you have so aptly pointed out. Um, so I I think the man needs to connect by doing 3 things. He needs to listen to her for as long as it takes, whatever she's talking about. And she needs— he needs to enter into her heart. Enter into her heart. I got that from John Eldredge. He needs to enter into her heart and not be afraid to enter into her heart. Like, enter into the woman's heart as a warrior. Don't be afraid. And I think the third thing is—

hold on, forgive me, I don't know. It shows you how male I am. I don't even understand Number 2.

Well, I don't totally understand it either. I just know what it feels like when, when my husband enters. But no, listen, when my, when my husband enters into my heart, I know what it's like. And I—

right, all right. So, so since you, since you have experienced it, and I, I truly want to learn, uh, and I have a wonderful marriage, thank God, but the— yes, Yes, it is a thank God, because I've also had a not wonderful. But I want to just understand, when you feel he's entered your heart, what has he done?

He has loved me in my own right, meaning he loves me for my own sake, not for his sake, or not to be useful to him, quote unquote, not to do something for him, or the part that I play in his life.

And how do you— and how do you know that that's how he loves you at that moment?

Well, I would describe it as he gives me distance and space, and, um, emotionally— physically too, but emotionally I'm talking about— and he doesn't maybe talk over the top of my words, and he actually listens and considers what I'm saying. He actually considers it, and he actually has told me before I learned from you, and that's a tremendous, um, comfort to me.

All right, what is number 3? What's number 3?

Wooing her.

Woo her.

Like, um, try to see the best in her. And if, if maybe she's gained weight, or maybe she doesn't look like she looked like she when she was younger, find something that you love about her. If she smells good, tell her. If she has a new haircut, actually comment on it. Like say, did you do something different with your hair? I like it, it looks pretty. I mean, it takes so little, but I think most men look past that. But if she feels wooed, she just feels like she's been—

All right, so now tell me, so which were you answering first, the 20 minutes he can give her or why she doesn't give him the 20 minutes that he wants?

Well, I heard you say the 20 minutes don't exist, and I, I think they do exist.

Oh no, I didn't say they didn't exist. I said if men, if men would know what it is, they would give their right, you know, their right to whatever it is to, uh, to find out.

Yeah, yeah, if they listen to her.

Okay, I, I got you.

So tell me anything for him for 20 minutes.

When I, huh, I'll say it again.

I said if they listen to her fully and sincerely for 20 minutes The woman will do anything for him.

Oh my God, guys, did you hear that?

I mean it, I mean it.

I, I know you mean it. I, I mean it too. When I said, guys, did you hear that? I mean it too. The purpose of this hour is not to blame any sex. It's to get people to love each other better. That's it. It's a simple thing. What's our timing, my friend? Okay, relief factor. Tell you one thing, you're more likely to be intimate if you're not in pain. There's a selling point for relief factor because it's true. That's why I'm laughing.

This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom.

Hey everybody, Dennis Prager, Male-Female Hour, Wednesday, second hour. With Valentine's Day imminent, thought I would read to you these surveys in the US and Australia. Thing most men want most for Valentine's Day is sex with their partner. And that was not on the list for women's most desired things, although I fully acknowledge— so you don't have to tell me this, not even in an email, though obviously you're welcome to send it— I know that the situation is reversed for some couples. I can only talk about the general issue. I can't talk about every exception. Otherwise, there's nothing to be learned about life. And general, this is, this is the issue. So we're talking about that. And the email that I received, the man loves his wife and haven't had— they haven't had sex in, uh, and she apparently loves him, but I don't know what that means. I don't know what it means to love somebody, not, not give them which is pretty effortless, uh, to be, to be perfectly honest. Uh, this, you know, the 20 minutes or whatever it is that, that he, uh, that would make him so happy. All right, let's go to, uh, Jennifer in Minneapolis. Hi, Jennifer.

Hi Dennis, how are you?

I'm well, thank you for calling.

Good, good. Um, just first of all, I love listening to you and I agree with you on probably 95% of the things that you talk about. In this particular instance, this— the 20-minute circuit you're talking about isn't necessarily effortless for a lot of women, and I think it's way more common than, than we than most people believe, but especially for women that are approaching menopause and going through and have gone through, oftentimes it is a painful— not just a little painful, but very, right? And the medical— go ahead.

No, no, no, no, I'm, I'm just acknowledging that I hear you.

Yeah, okay. Um, and there are a lot of solutions medically, but they don't always work for every woman.

And the—

some things that exacerbate that too are the fact that depression can lower libido, and the instance of depression in our society is much more common than even I think we realize. And a lot of people don't even know that they have it, but it lowers libido.

And then antidepressants on top of antidepressants do lower libido. That's a well-known— that's in both sexes.

Yes. Yeah, right.

So here's a question. I, I, uh, and this is why I have to warn again, I don't want children listening necessarily. So being as, uh, genteel in language as possible given that we're on, you know, public radio, uh, there are other ways to pleasure him. And that's one, that's question one. And two Let's say one, uh, one does have a lower, a lower libido at that time of life. Just mechanically, can, can she not help him out?

Um, I think there are things that definitely can help with that situation from the side of the male. One thing is when I think when a husband or partner isn't getting what he needs, a lot of times I think that the physical contact that he gives her is kind of in response to, okay, I'm going to snuggle with you because this is what I want or this is what I need. And I think when someone is experiencing lower libido and/or painful intercourse, that it's really important that the partner, that the husband, the man, gives the woman affection.

Oh, I agree with that. I couldn't agree with that more.

Yeah, and that's huge.

Yes. Okay, if it is huge, there's still the hope on his part that 1 out of 5 hugs will— not, not in 1 day, 1 out of 5 hugs a week, a month, will lead, will lead to, uh, to the lottery win. Is that, is that Could he— can he bank on that?

I, I think— I don't know if he can bank on it, but I think that one thing that makes a difference, it's not a mechanical hug. It's a— and what the previous caller was talking about, um, I can't remember the words that she used, but, um, uh, you know, really seeing her, you know, in her soul, but, but also being there emotionally, not just A hug, like, okay, well, one out of five of these is going to get me what I want.

Right. No, no. All right. So, okay, men need to hear this. They do. And I agree. I told you I'm not on the man's side. I'm not on the woman's side. I'm on the marriage's side. That's a very important call. They're all important. But I think what I'm saying is also important. Life is a challenge. My dear, dear listeners. And we have to accept that what I, what I see happening in America is generations now, since, since the '60s, have an unrealistic expectation of what life can deliver. They have utopian expectations. And so any frustration, anything that is not ideal, uh, causes almost a trauma. That's why there are safe spaces at colleges, right? Somebody comes and says something you, you don't, you don't want to hear, you need to escape into a safe room. A safe room. Okay, let's see here. Men should communicate. Uh, Ty in Roseville, Illinois doesn't understand why that man would tolerate no sex for 5 years. Hmm, wish I could have that man on the show. That would be an interesting— if you're listening, sir, you're totally anonymous. Only I know who you are. Of course, my dream, I told you, if I could have Dinner. I know this is bizarre. If I could have dinner with, uh, the Queen of England or the woman who's had no sex with her husband for 5 years, I would take the latter. And I like the Queen of England, by the way. Back in a moment.

This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. Now back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom.

Let your arrow fly. All right, everybody, Dennis Prager here. I tell you, you know how much I have learned about life having a radio talk show? Do you— can you, can you realize? I mean, how many people— it's an infinitesimally small number of people who have talked to so many people. From every background possible, about every subject, most intimate like today. It has been a— for someone who wants to understand life, this has been the greatest possible experience. Lisa in Mansfield, Texas is the male-female hour. Let's end with a— perhaps this might be a happier call. I'm counting on it, Lisa.

It is, it is.

It's very simple.

Whatever he wants, I like to do because it makes him happy, and he does the same for me.

Yeah, I don't understand why that's not the deal in most marriages. So simple.

Yes, I'll give you an example. Yeah, but we were at a party and my husband loves when I make him a plate. So I made him a plate of food and I brought it over and like, oh, I want a life like that. Then I would hear, oh, I would never do that. I said, well, it makes me happy. It's not easy. It makes him happy.

Exactly. God bless you, Lisa. You know, I've had an unhappy marriage and I've had a happy marriage and I'm in a happy marriage. And, uh, and I My wife— it makes my wife very happy to plant trees. All right, Sean is looking at me. That was— it was one of the great looks I've ever received. That's really too bad there was no video. You can't replicate that look. I can't even explain it. It was sort of like Really? Huh. So we get trees. On my fireside chat, I do a fireside chat every week at prageru.com, and there's always a video question. Candace Owens, to her great credit, that magnificent, brilliant young woman, gutsy young woman. She posed the question. She sent it. I was at her wedding. She said, you were at my wedding. Give a piece of advice for newlyweds. And I said, be as easy as possible. That's my advice. If he likes it, what's the cost? If she likes it, what's the cost? All right. Happy Valentine's Day. Calling you. I need you. Help me.

This has been Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Visit DennisPrager.com for thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs and to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles.