Timeless Wisdom - The Problem of Happiness - Part 4
In this lecture Dennis Prager argues that the widespread American belief that "fun" leads to lasting happiness is a profound misconception. He begins by describing the cultural equation F (fun) = H (happiness) that dominates contemporary Western, especially Californian, thought, illustrating it with ubiquitous images of smiling people in advertisements and the pressure to appear happy. Prager tests this premise by analyzing high‑priced singles ads in New York Magazine, finding that 95 % of them list fun‑related activities (tennis, yachting, skiing, etc.) and often explicitly use the word "fun," indicating how central the pursuit of fun is to partner selection. He then examines other cultural phenomena—parties, sports fandom, holiday celebrations, and media—showing that people chase the next fun experience even when the previous one left them unchanged or even down‑hearted. Prager distinguishes three categories of fun: (1) simple amusement (e.g., a baseball game, a movie) which provides momentary pleasure but does not increase happiness; (2) excessive or indulgent fun (e.g., overeating cheesecake, frequent partying) which can actually diminish happiness because of health, financial, or emotional costs; and (3) compulsory fun (e.g., the socially mandated extravagance of New Year’s Eve and Christmas) which often produces depression because the expectation to be happy creates pressure and guilt. He likens fun to a drug: it creates a craving for ever‑stronger doses, suffers diminishing returns, and can become an addiction that distracts from deeper, lasting fulfillment. The lecture also addresses parenting: using fun as a quick fix for children’s unhappiness teaches avoidance of pain and undermines character formation. Prager advocates for intentional limits on fun, citing his family’s Shabbat practice (no TV, radio, or driving) as a model of enjoying one another without artificial stimulation. He expands the argument to a broader philosophical point that pain is inseparable from genuine happiness; avoiding pain leads to a hollow life, while confronting necessary pain builds resilience. He observes modern social settings (e.g., racquetball gyms) where superficial interactions replace authentic conversation, reinforcing a culture that fears real life. Overall, Prager’s central claim is that fun is an episodic experience, whereas happiness is an enduring state that follows after reflective, purposeful actions. Pursuing fun as a proxy for happiness is a false road; instead, one should accept necessary pain, limit superficial pleasures, and cultivate deeper relationships and values.
Chapters
Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Hear thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs. And to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles, go to DennisPrager.com. Obstacle is, is particularly identifiable with modern men and women. And I suspect especially contemporary Westerners, and certainly it's one of the things that California is noted for, rightly or wrongly, and that is the equation in many people's minds of happiness with fun. I am here to tell you that the relationship between fun and happiness is tenuous at best and perhaps even nonexistent. Most people believe the following equation: A, fun and happiness are directly, are directly related. However, B, they are not related. Therefore, C, most people believe something that renders happiness unattainable. It is among the most common things for people to believe in an equation. The equation is F equals fun, H equals happiness. The more F, the more H. That is what most, I suspect most people of my generation and certainly younger in America today believe. America is a fun-oriented place. It's fun and exciting. It's fun. You'll have fun. It's a fun time. Fun is the word. It animates an entire civilization. You remove fun from America and the balloon collapses. Fun is everywhere and we identify the happy person with it. That's why we have this thing, which was not true a generation or two ago. Everybody has to be looking like they're having fun. The best example is for a picture. Now, did you ever think about that? It's very interesting. As a Pavlovian response, if somebody comes over to you and says, "I want to take your picture," do you smile? What if you are in the foulest mood in the world? I am convinced, I can't test it because it would be too cruel, but if I went to a funeral and I went to where the family mourners were, "Hey, can I take your picture, please?" It is unbelievable. But if you look at any picture of your grandparents, they're never smiling. You know why? If somebody said, "I want to take your picture," they said, "Fine." That was the end of the issue. "Take— here I am. Here's a picture." If you told them a joke, they'd smile. It never occurred to them, why do you have to look like you're having fun? Because in the American mind, fun is happy, and you gotta look happy. And looking happy means looking like you're having fun. It's like the commercials. I love the one, I think it's Salem cigarettes, with the girl bouncing on the guy's shoulders or something like that, or tossing her over like this. Did you ever see that in your whole life? In my whole life, I'm living 41 years, I've gotten around, I've been to 65 countries, I never saw that. I've been to places that are like Club Med, I never even saw it there. But there it is in your commercial, people just doing things of unbelievable fun, you know, with the hair. Sailing in swirling water around, and I'm having so much fun. Everything is fun-oriented. And so obviously Americans start to believe that if you increase fun, you'll increase your happiness. It's a very deeply held belief, by the way, and I did something to test it out. What I did was I figured I'm going to look And I didn't know what I would get, so it wasn't totally biased. It was somewhat prejudiced, because I suspected I'd get it. But what I decided was to look where people reveal what they most want, because they're anonymous and they really want what they're advertising for— singles ads. And I figured, just to make it fair, I would look in the classiest place in America for singles ads. 'Cause you figure maybe it's just the lower classes who are into fun, but the well-educated, they know that there are deeper things than fun to pursue. So I looked in New York Magazine, where the average singles ad costs over $200 an entry. The average. And we're talking many are $1,000, and many, of course, are put in repeatedly. Last August, this is what I culled from it. First of all, 90, I'd say 95% of the ads listed a whole host of fun-type things. What do I want? I want someone, or I am, I'm into tennis. Boating, skiing, yachting, sailing, mountain climbing, frog raising, lobster eating, and love Italian food. Now, as all of you who are married know, these are very important things in a marriage, right? I mean, so thank God these singles know what's important. I mean, oh God, imagine if they would think things like values and stuff like that. They know what's important. So all of them list fun things, but some of them even list the word fun itself. It's not enough to list fun things, they want to make sure you got the point. So this is just one issue of New York Magazine. Handsome man in early 30s looking for a fun romantic relationship. Attractive Long Island vivacious seeks loving white male. 45 to 55, for sincere fun. Now that one really, that got me. I don't— what is insincere fun? I, I, I wish I wanted to write back just to find out what she meant. Jewish male, 45, optometrist, looking for someone to share boating, skiing, and fun relationship. Again, you notice what's so interesting. It's as if sharing boating and skiing is not enough to tell you he wants a fun relationship. That's— isn't that interesting? He had to add fun in case you didn't get it. Maybe he didn't have fun when he's boating and skiing. Next one: long curly hair, pretty, professional, fun, highly successful, highly attractive, highly educated. Fun-loving Manhattanite seeking that ultimate male counterpart. Exciting woman searching for romantic, fun-loving man over 50. Attractive divorced white female, 41, seeking a fun-loving, sensitive white male. Attractive spirited single white female who loves sports, cooking, travel, and having fun. That, I love that. Again, the others weren't having fun, right? The others— it's not like she writes, you know, if it would have been attractive, spirited, single white female who loves Plato, Mozart, and thinking about suffering, you know, and having fun. Okay, I could see that. I'm balanced. But it's sports, cooking, travel, and having fun. You're a successful professional man over 46 with a flair for fun. And finally, my favorite: professional athletic handsome Christian male, 28, seeks female for dance, beach, lively fun, serious only. I didn't get that. I still don't get it. Serious about fun, serious about— I'm not exactly certain what he meant. Now folks, I really, in all seriousness, I do believe that that establishes fairly clearly the importance of fun in America. People seeking partners for life are writing all fun things. All fun things. I remember when I got married. A woman in Los Angeles asked me, "Does your fiancée play tennis?" I said, "I don't know." She said, "But you play tennis." And it then occurred to me, it was incredible to her that I had never established whether or not she also plays tennis. It was like I had done such a silly thing in not establishing, "Look at what we could do together." Now, I do believe the more you do together, the better it is. I am not a nut on that issue. I do, I truly believe that. And of course people should have fun. I am not here to tell you that fun is a dirty word. I'm here to tell you it's an irrelevant word and that seeking fun is not the same at all, at all, at all, at all as seeking happiness. Which I will prove to you. I think I will prove it to you. But first, I just wanted to establish why it is, that it is so important. Now, why is fun so important? Why is it so important that people pursue fun seriously, like that guy in the last ad? There's a reason. People in America today are actually serious about fun. It is important to attend parties. Now why? Even though everyone I know basically has a lousy time at most parties. Then why is it important to go to another one? People aren't masochists. The answer is, it's like a religious belief. The belief in fun is like a religious belief. Well, maybe it's not. It's true even if it's not working. I hold on to that faith because the vision that most Americans have, certainly of my age and younger, of the happy person, and everyone has such visions, is the fun, is the person having fun. If I were to ask you to dream up what do you most associate with happy people, the instinctive response, if I asked you to give a picture, it's the person having fun. When you think about it for 5 minutes, you wouldn't. All of a sudden, when your brain starts working, brain, brain, brain. Nutra, nutra, that's right. When your brain starts working, you realize, wait a minute, I haven't thought the issue of happiness through. And people don't think it through. So the general impression is a good party, a good Club Med trip, more fun, more excitement, happy. End of issue. Kids think that the most. I will never forget when, uh, he was 6 at the time, my son saw my article "Happiness Isn't Fun." He couldn't even read. He said, "Daddy, what is it?" I said, "Happiness isn't fun." It was— I wish I had it on videotape. He just looked at me, said, "It isn't?" It was the most stupid statement Daddy could ever make. Happiness is sure, right? It isn't fun. What is it? Pain? But you expect that when you're 6. But it's at least as true for teenagers. Happiness is a good date. Happiness is a good party. Happiness is fun music, fun times, fun places. And Americans live from fun to fun experience. When is the next fun experience? The reason, by the way, to a large extent, that people live for the next fun experience is not because the last one worked. It's because the last one didn't. That's why I call it a religion. This party— well, it's true, I'm not happier at all after this party. In fact, I'm a little down. I wish I'd have stayed home and curled up with a good book. But the next party, the one I imagine is the happy party, that's the one that I'll really enjoy. Why would parties be fun, let alone induce happiness? The only time that social events like that are even fun, forget increase happiness, are when they're with people that you like. But then it's not a party usually. It's a get-together of friends that you like. And the most fun is usually with 1 or 2, not 20. Because with the increase in number of people, it's a rule of life, depth decreases as numbers increase. 2 people have deep discussions. 3 people can have a semi-deep discussion. 4 people have a mediocre discussion. 5 people have a shallow discussion. 6 people joke a great deal. 7 people start badmouthing the people who aren't there a great deal. It is a rule of thumb of life. I can't stand— I've never— Thank God I knew this as a child. I always loved to be with one friend. That was truly fun. And inductive of happiness because it could develop deeper. But the crowd was not deep. It always went to the lowest common denominator. The guy who liked to belch a lot was the center of attention. People pursue fun because they deep down believe the person having fun, the smiler, is happy. That's why. It's not that people logic wrong, it's that their premise is wrong. I compare it to the ancient seamen. Why wouldn't they go far out to sea? Because they thought they'd fall off the earth. Their logic was impeccable. They believed it was flat. It's not that their logic was wrong. Most people do not think illogically. It's a common misconception. Most people think logically. The reason they do so many stupid things is because their premises are wrong. When you logic correctly on a faulty premise, you get a terrible conclusion. When your premise is that fun will make you happy, of course you'll be logical and you'll pursue fun. That is why I'm telling you point blank, the pursuit of fun is a wrong pursuit for happiness. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I might add, I'm opposed to asceticism. I do not enjoy being around people who don't like fun. Do you understand? In other words, somebody says, hey, that's fun, it's dirty, it's of the devil, I don't like it, and people are laughing, it must be disgusting. Okay, I don't— I am not advocating that in the least. But the ideal, I would say, is to have fun doing deep things, to the extent that you can. But the pursuit of fun is a fairy tale. Now, why doesn't fun lead to happiness? Okay? We've established how important fun is, and why people think it's so important. Why doesn't it lead to happiness? First, let us understand how happiness and fun differ. Here is my rule: fun is experienced— if you're taking any notes, this is worth putting with neon signs— fun is experienced only during an act. Fun is experienced only— underline only— during the act of fun. Happiness is experienced on an enduring basis, or if you will, after these acts. Happiness is experienced on an enduring basis, or if you prefer, happiness is experienced after an act. Whether the act was fun or not is not relevant. Let me give you examples. The most— there's a dramatic example. Probably nothing is more fun, and I mean that sincerely, probably nothing is more fun in and of itself than seducing or being seduced by somebody extremely sexy and attractive. To you. And then, I'll add, I'll make it real life, and then having great sex with that person. That is fun. No two ways about it. Whether or not, however, it increases happiness is dependent on a million other factors. Frequently, it doesn't do that whatsoever. Because the question of your happiness is how will you feel after the act. That's exactly the point. Do you want to get the hell out of that apartment? You had a lot of fun. And when you want another dose of fun, you'll return to that apartment. But you wouldn't hang around for happiness. Very important. There's no area that's more dramatic than that, because that's the most fun that the human being is capable of having in a concise period of time. Okay? Is that a good definition of sex? The most fun the human has in a concise period of time. I like that. I'm going to keep that. How do you feel afterwards is the question. And everyone in this room knows that. That is why when you're very young and you truly believe that fun is everything, that's all you think about, and you pursue the Holy Grail of fun. The trick is to grow up. It's very hard to convince a teenager that fun isn't everything. I mean, because the moment you say it, it means you're old. They're right, they're right, that's the joke. What am I going to say? I tell my stepdaughter who's 13, fun isn't everything. She says, you're old. What am I going to answer? I'm not old. How did I learn it? It's not— that's why, you know, it's one of those classic things you can repeat and should. It should be repeated constantly, constantly, constantly, constantly. Maybe on the 4,000th repetition you will have indented 1 micron. 1 neuron will have actually been moved to take it seriously. But it is worth repeating and repeating and repeating. Then too, by the way, gradually they'll find out that all the fun and exciting things don't mount up to any happiness. It's not something that it's hard for a teenager to see. A girl who has her eye on the guy who seems to be the most fun and exciting guy then finds out he's probably the biggest jackass in the class. But clearly seems the most fun and exciting, will learn a great deal if it's brought to her attention, "Hey, wait a minute, you know what? Maybe you shouldn't identify this fun and exciting sort of attitude in men with what is really enduring and making them worthwhile." And vice versa. But I think it's especially so because what gets men, crazy is the physical, and what will get the woman crazy at that age is the fun and exciting. So it's particularly seductive to the girls. Let me give you 3 illustrations of fun, 3 illustrations of types of fun, which will all illustrate my "fun is only during" Happiness is what endures rule. The first type is simple amusement. What, you know, let's take a very innocuous sort of fun, amusement, an amusement park, uh, for men in particular, though for women too, a ball game, okay. I have season tickets to the Dodgers, so I'm not speaking at all from any holier-than-thou attitude. I enjoy going to Dodger games very much, so I totally understand. Or a movie. I mean, I like fun things. I understand it.
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However, one has to be honest with oneself. One is not happier after the game. And by the way, I would go so far as to say this: I can identify an unhappy person by how fanatically they are as a fan in sports. I am convinced that any man— because, you know, you see it sometimes in women— but it's much more in men. Who attaches his identity to a team is an unhappy human being. I always find it fascinating, for example, when fans will call in on sports shows, for example, and get so angry that their star is not getting $4 million this year. The guy calling in gets $20,000 a year, and he is ticked off that his guy is only getting $3 million. Or people for whom their team is everything. They have attached their identity. Do you know what fan stands for? Most people don't know. It's short for fanatic. That's exactly what it's from. It's one thing to enjoy, to root, to cheer, and so on, but I am— I'm telling you, I am convinced that those for whom it's a passion, like they've got to win, they got to win, where there's depression if they lose and exultation if they win, are unhappy people. And they feel it after the game. Fun is a nice thing for the healthy. It's a potential drug for the unhealthy. Better for the happy or unhappy? I prefer the healthy and unhealthy to keep it within our parameters. Fun is a— it is like spice in life. If you've got healthy meat, you want to put on some spice, of course you should. Because it's boring without any spice to food. But you can't rely on it for the substance of what you digest in life. That's the difference. That's the metaphor I would use in food. Go to, of course, someone who refuses to ever go to a game, ever go to a movie. I'm like, what's wrong with that person? They scared of life? Of course that's terrible. And by the way, Fun is attainable to a certain extent in inverse proportion to how often it's used. Just like spices in certain ways, when it's done carefully, you really taste it. It's no more fun to go to Dodger games if you go every day. It's, it's exactly fun when you go once in a while. It's something special. You look forward to it. You have it. It's a day out. It's different. Good. So simple amusement is fine, but again, remember, I'm giving illustrations of my rule. It's fun only during. On your way home from Dodger Stadium, you are not happier. Win or lose, you are not happier. That's why I'm convinced people try to take as much of the game with them as possible so they'll listen to the post-game show in the car. It, it prolongs as much as possible not having to return to life. That is why it is not good for parents to rely on fun things for their kids. You're teaching your kids a terrible lesson. As soon as they get a little unhappy, you give them TV. You get to take them to a movie, you buy them a toy. You're drowning out the confrontation with life in fun. It's a terrible habit to inculcate in a child. Terrible. It's unbelievably tempting for a parent to do so, because then they don't have to confront the unhappiness that the child will have as well. That is why I have given no plugs for religion this whole course. But I— and this is not meant as one, but it's so related I have to use it. In my home on the Sabbath, on Shabbat, there is no television, there's no radio, there is no stereo, and we don't drive anywhere. 25 hours a week we have to have fun without outside artificial inducements of fun. In other words, we better enjoy each other. Which ain't easy. Isn't a family in the world in which it's easy. Family life is tough. It's filled with so many passions and emotions. But that's the litmus test. Otherwise, what you're saying is, boy, I need outside stimuli or I'm finished. And in America, a lot of people do. You walk into the house and immediately have to have the diversion of television. People have it on even if they don't watch it. Second type of fun example actually decreases, decreases happiness. And I am not thinking now of anything illegal. I'm not thinking of drugs. I'm not thinking of illicit sex. No, thinking of something as innocuous as my old standby in these examples: cheesecake. You know what? Now that I think of it, between food and sex, there's probably on occasion a real toss-up. Because the intensity of fun in food can rival, except for the most glorious sex, for funship, funitude, funation. I mean, there is a lot of fun in a good cheesecake, or whatever your— your pasta, whatever your thing is, all right? What is a better example than fun is during an act and happiness is after? Are you happier after you had your cheesecake? Some of you would be, actually, because you can afford it. But very many people, including probably all women, since every woman in America thinks she's overweight, has— is eating it with unbelievable ambivalence. Even the fun isn't pure. It's terrible. I feel for people. At least if you're going to get fat, enjoy it. But we're not even allowed to enjoy it. But in any event, let's say you really do. Nevertheless, there's a pay— there's a price to be paid. A price that will reduce your happiness. People don't want to get fat for health reasons, the way they look, the way they're attractive. Of course, it's just a fact of life, an understandable fact. So again, as I said during the human nature part in part 1, brains— excuse me, body says cheesecake, brain happiness and brain says no cheesecake. Here it's fun says cheesecake, brain says minimize. And I mean minimize. My own solution to it is not to rule it all out. I have said frequently, and I, in this regard, I differ with a lot of people. I just heard on the way here that decaffeinated coffee is likely to increase heart disease by 12%. Ladies and gentlemen, I am now rooting Americans have a big healthcare problem.
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For all these announcements, I want— I'm telling you, I hope tomorrow it is cucumbers. I hope that the next day, water. I am looking and waiting for water, especially bottled water. I am praying that they find that bottled water causes gallstones. I don't know why, but in a certain test it increased gallstones. Eventually one will then enumerate all these things, will avoid all unhealthy foods, and die. That is what will happen. They will have to be— or they will begin to feed themselves intravenously with pure glucose. To sustain their body. See, this is the other side of the coin, which is, which is, it's a new, you know, it's so funny. If a person says, for religious reasons, I will abstain from some foods, ah, you're crazy, what the hell's the matter with you, you're a fanatic. But if you do it for health, then it's okay. If you abstain from everything, absolutely everything, There is nothing left, ladies and gentlemen. Real coffee, it has caffeine. Unreal coffee causes heart disease. Tea has caffeine. Oh wait, what is— so what is left? Then there is, uh, herbal tea. Did they find out anything on herbal? They will, they will. I can't wait till they find out something on herbal tea. Then the Mormons will have the last laugh. They don't have coffee, they don't have tea. Caffeinated, non-caffeinated, caffeinated. It's endless. I don't believe in that. I believe life is tough, have some fun. I do believe that. It helps you go on, but it doesn't make you happy. Depriving yourself of any fun can help make you unhappy, that I agree. But the pursuit of fun as in any way a road to happiness is simply completely wrong. So we've had two types of fun: simple amusement, which may not decrease happiness but certainly doesn't increase it; the other type of fun, which is even more common, which actually decreases your happiness. Who is happier, the person who has a lot of fun eating all the cheesecake he wants, or the person who controls himself? Who's happier? Who's happier, the person, the kid, who deprived him or herself of some of the parties, of some of the get-togethers after school in order to study music, let's say, after school, and then as an adult can play piano. Ask an adult. That's what I mean, happiness is after the act. The kid who had all the fun playing all the ball he wanted while some other kid had to learn Hebrew Well, I had to study piano. But what do they have later? Memories of ballgames? That is why my motto to parents always is, listen, your kids are going to hate you anyway, so you might as well do the right thing. That is my ongoing motto on child rearing. The moment a parent aims to be loved, they have ceased being a parent. That is the worst possible recipe for child-rearing. Because so much of it is deprivation of fun. So much of it. So much of what is good for your child is no to fun. The third type of fun that illustrates the before and after rule I call compulsory fun. This is my favorite. The best examples are, in our society at any rate, New Year's Eve and Christmas. It's very sad about Christmas. It's supposed to be a religious and meaningful day. But in a secular society, it's been translated into a fun day. And New Year's Eve is the colossal fun day. It's the ultimate fun day. I mean, you know, if you don't have— if you're not having real— having a really lot of fun, you're finished. So what happens? This is the beauty of New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve— I have never gone for New Year's Eve. In fact, when I was younger, I was so iconoclastic, I would actually go to bed at 11 to avoid it. It was the only night of the year I ever went to bed before midnight. It was my way of saying screw you to the asininity of New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve, the moment you associate New Year's Eve with having to have fun, you are finished. And I will explain why. The following is what happens. Either you get a great date— let's say you're single— you get a great date and you go to a great party and have a miserable time because it can never, it can never be what you imagined it would be. Or you didn't, in which case you're home unhappy that you didn't go to that party. Or married, you didn't get to go to the big party that may be around. So if you go, what is fun about New Year's Eve? What is fun? There is nothing more unfun than people trying to have fun. Do you know that? It is depressing. It's actually depressing. What do they do? They do stupid things. Tell dirty jokes and drink a lot. Why is New Year's Eve associated with drinking? People who are truly enjoying themselves don't drink. Because there's no reason to drink. You want to enjoy yourself. The purpose of drinking is to deaden yourself so that you can enjoy yourself. If you really knew what was going on and didn't drink, you'd have a miserable time. So you are drinking because you know it's the only way you could possibly endure the New Year's Eve party. Because, as we all know, adults really do enjoy going, "Happy New Year!" and bursting balloons. I mean, it's very pleasurable for a 42-year-old person. That's a lot of fun. Do you ever watch it on television? I mean, it is depressing. You see these couples there, "Happy New Year!" And then the obligatory kiss. It's all obligatory. Obligatory fun is terrible. Thou shalt have fun. Thou shalt enjoy thyself tonight. And if you don't, you should be depressed. So everybody walks around depressed except those who don't take it seriously. Those who take it seriously are either not at a party and therefore depressed because they're not at the place where everyone else is having fun, or they're at a party not having fun, in which case they're depressed. I should be having fun. You know how much it costs to go out on New Year's Eve? At those rates, you better have a great time, my friends. Take it from me, the night to go out is January 2nd. The places are empty, the waiters can't do enough for you, and you'll have the time of your life because you're not obligated to have the time of your life. And it's much easier to have the time of your life when you're not supposed to. Compulsory fun is awful. Why? It's commonplace that there is more depression around Christmas and New Year's than any other time. Now why, my friends, why? Doesn't that tell you something? Why does the most fun time of the year. How come the second week of August people aren't getting depressed? You know why? Because they're not supposed to be happy. If you're supposed to be happy, you get depressed. If you can admit you're not, you feel terrific. What— it's so important, this stuff. And yet people will go for it, because if you If you don't, you'll feel guilty. Why would you— people would feel guilty not going out New Year's Eve. Why guilty? Why? Because they are sensing, "I am missing a true opportunity for fun." And fun makes you happy. Now, its association with happiness actually reduces your chances to be happy. And I will give you two reasons and then come to the end of the fun problem. And it is a big problem, my friends. One is that fun is a drug, or can easily become a drug. First, it's pursued just like a drug. It's pursued. I must have a fun fix. People live like drug addicts do, from injection to injection, or sniffing to sniffing, fun to fun. When is my next fun time? We live from fun time to fun time, and so we have to narrow those gaps to have the rush of adrenaline that the fun brings. It is a drug for another reason. The next dose must be stronger than the last, or it doesn't work. Fun is not fun if it's repeated identically. Something must be upped. And there are any number of examples. You'll never quite have as much fun at a ballgame as you did the first time you went? It was new, it was exciting, everything was exhilarating. Take the obvious. The first time you kissed on a date. Was that fun? Oh God, was that fun! By the 5th date, kissing ceased to be so much fun. One needed more, one needed different petting, as the term was used by this ancient human being to his teenage stepdaughter. Then that wasn't enough. As the boys used to put it, I only got to first base. Nobody's satisfied with hitting singles. Oh, next time you go to second, next to third, and finally I've integrated. Course. And as that film Carnal Knowledge so very powerfully articulated, if the only thing there is the fun element, even that pales, even that gets boring. I will never forget, it must be 15 years ago, I read an interview with a Las Vegas show—
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Girl who was described as having done everything, and I believe she did. And then she said, "You know, the kinkiest thing I can now imagine is a loving relationship with one man." She had come full circle. This was the ultimate, because everything else had become boring. That is, it's the same thing, by the way, with horror films. What scared you last week in the movies won't scare you this week. It's gotta be up. The ante always must be up. Adrenaline doesn't flow, and that's a big part of why we like fun and excitement and why the words go together. It's physiological. A doctor told me you can get addicted to adrenaline rushes. It is adrenaline rushes that kids get at horror movies. That's exciting. They need an adrenaline rush and it becomes an addiction. That's what's so problematic about it. It is very hard to maintain in life an ability to get excited over things repeatedly. You have to train yourself and learn how to do it, to continue to be excited by certain things. It's not easy, but it is, it is an important thing to pursue, whether it is food. That is why it is foolish if you eat out a lot, I mean at fancy restaurants, because it becomes boring. You have, you have inured yourself to enjoying it. You've got to have a lot of meals at, you know, just the local luncheonette diner to enjoy spaghos. Every night at Spago's isn't fun. It doesn't work. There's a law of diminishing returns to fun. That is why pursuing it is a wild goose chase. It doesn't even work on its own terms. So it is like a drug. In this regard, one has to thank Hollywood actors and actresses who have had more fun than we can ever imagine, most of us. The best cars, the best sex, the best lovers, the best parties, the best trips, the best homes. And one after another, they write memoirs of depression, drugs, alcoholism. I thank them. I truly do thank them. And of course, though, remember what I said about comparing ourselves to a model of happiness? Remember that? And I said that we'll make up a new model as soon as we find out that Cousin Harry really isn't so happy. Do the same thing. Oh, this actress, oh, her kids are all on drugs? We'll shift over to another model of happiness that we read about in People or Us or Newsmakers, the first page people usually turn to in Time or Newsweek. They are a living lesson in the lack of relationship between fun and happiness. The other reason that associating fun with happiness usually reduces one's chances— no, always reduces one's chances of attaining happiness— is this: if you associate fun with happiness, then you must associate pain with unhappiness. Makes perfect sense. If increased fun equals happiness, the opposite of fun— pain, because that too is analogous to what you feel during something— the opposite of fun must lead to unhappiness. And that is why a lot of people of my generation and younger— I suspect older too, I just don't know them as as well. Try to avoid pain. This is one of the most common laments that many women have about men not committing. What are all the books out there? Why Men Won't Commit, The Peter Pan Syndrome, How to Get a Man to Say Yes, Why Men Have Commitment Phobia. Book after book, there is not one book. I've gone through these sections in bookstores in the opposite direction, incidentally, because it is a painful thing for a man to contemplate. He thinks, he listens to his id, which says, are you crazy? You're going to be jailed for for the rest of your life? No other women? Oh my God. And as my friend with his nightmare, the kids to the beach, the man is on the first flight to Rio de Janeiro. So, so what happens? He decides to stay alone longer. Is he happier? No way, right? We all imagine the typical 40-year-old bachelor as a happy guy, right? If any of you have one in your family or know one well— not, not that you happen to meet at a party where he's gone through the act— he's happy, but he's so afraid of the pain of marriage that he prefers unhappiness to pain. Marriage is painful. Children are painful. In fact, and here's one of life's great rules, Everything that brings any degree of happiness is chock-full of pain. Nothing, nothing that brings happiness is painless. You can say a lot of things about children, but you can never say it's fun. Interesting, exciting, informative, maturing, disgusting. I mean, you name it, but I never heard fun. Oh, I always get someone will disagree. Some parent will say, "Oh, my child is so much fun." The child is probably 3, and the truth is at 3 they are a lot of fun. That most of the time, if you're lucky. Of course, they forgot about terrible twos. They also forgot about a whole host of other things that came with the kid. Hey, I am very pro having kids, very. But anyone who thinks that it's an increase in fun is the proverbial person in need of having his or her head examined. This association of pain with unhappiness is a terrible thing. Life is filled with pain. It is. In coming into next term, I will offer the thought that you— one has to— what you have— I think one has to to do is divide between gratuitous pain and necessary pain. Gratuitous pain is obviously gratuitous. I mean, you should not, if you see 2,000 people walk into a ditch, follow them. I love to break my leg. That is what life is about. But to avoid pain is to avoid living. And I often get the sense with many in my generation that there is an avoidance of life. I play racquetball at the Sports Connection. I was there last night. Do you know, I went into, and I'm never there at prime time, but I happened to have been last night. Hundreds of people, mostly young, and it was unbelievable. I would say there must have been 150 people in the workout room. All within 8 inches of each other. Not 2 people were talking. Oh, it was so interesting to me. Girls wearing the most seductive clothing imaginable and even not imaginable. Presumably seductive clothing is to seduce. But nobody was prepared to talk. And they weren't prepared to talk. I had never seen anything like it. It's interesting, my wife goes to the JCC to swim. She can't handle the Sports Connection crowd, it's too plastic for her, so she goes to the Jewish Community Center where she tells me when she swims, the median age is 81. And that includes my wife's age, you understand. If she were in there, it would be 101. She says, "Everybody talks with everybody. Talk, strangers talking to each other, having a good time." It's so interesting. I think there's something about my generation, it seems, or much of this society we live in, that is very deeply afraid of real life. Real life is you talk. Real talk, just honest-to-goodness talk. Not lines. Hey honey, what, what buns? Not lines. My generation was taught to talk to women with lines. The guy with the best lines gets the girl. There's no talking. There's no real people. Where are the real people? I wanted to go and press buttons on these people. Hello? It was like the Stepford Workout session. I swear to you, I wish someone could have photographed me. I just stood there with my racquetball gear and I looked like the biggest schlump in the place by far. I have an unfitting long white shirt. My socks are rolled down half the time. I forget to lift them. I look so— I look like Clarabelle at the Spago's. It is like a joke. And I'm standing there and nobody's looking at me, needless to say. Nobody looks at anybody. That's what I couldn't believe. I was just looking around. It was so quiet. All you heard were the machines. I ask you to go and see this. It's so sad what has happened. It's a fear of life. I don't know where it emanates from. Real life, you get hurt. You don't want to get hurt. Don't have a relationship. Don't have children. Don't get married. Don't have a commitment. Don't have a good friend. All of those things will hurt you. That's the fear of pain, and it comes with— can you imagine, I would have— oh, got up. I would love to take out an ad in New York Magazine next year. "Love pain." Unfortunately, I know exactly who will respond. The B&D crowd, you know. I'll probably get a million letters, you know, with whips and so on. So I don't even know how— I have to figure out a way to phrase it. You know, but, you know, imagine— but if you put in an ad I like fun, but I don't think it's that important. I would love to know who would respond. I would be just so interested. People would be so afraid of such a thing. Or, I don't like yachting, I don't like boating, I don't like skiing. I'm really into deep things. Can you imagine? It is hard to imagine who would respond. Woody Allen, right? So, my friends, I gotta ask you to think and look into your lives, especially those in my generation, especially singles. How much of your life is devoted to going to the next fun thing? And realize, 'cause you're all mature now, what a foolish, foolish road you're on. The road to happiness is paved with pain. Don't seek pain, but don't avoid it. That is the antidote to this terrible obstacle to happiness of the association of fun and happiness. See you next week. This has been Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Visit DennisPrager.com for thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs, and to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles.
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