Timeless Wisdom - The Problem of Happiness - Part 9

November is National Family Caregivers Month. 1 in 4 Americans is stepping up to help older loved ones with everything from meals to bills. Family caregivers spend thousands out of their own pockets each year, and too many have to quit their jobs to keep providing care. Working families can't afford to wait. It's time to care for America's caregivers. Learn more at aarp.org/careforcaregivers. Paid for by AARP. Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Hear thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs. And to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles, go to DennisPrager.com. The, uh, the reason for that is, number one, I have never said anything that I am about to say this semester publicly before. This is absolutely brand new. Not only that, I will never say it again. This is it. I don't intend on teaching this again. It's not only because of that. I'll tell you some reasons. This is going to be without question, and it's risky on my part, I know that. The most personal that I have ever spoken publicly, because there is no way around it in this particular thing. I cannot talk about solving the problem of happiness to the extent that the human can. That— always, always bear that in mind: to the extent that the human can. That should always be in your mind whenever I use the term happy this entire course. But there is no way I can do it without reference to my life. I didn't get a BA or PhD in happiness. They don't give them. They will one day, I'm sure, but they don't now. I struggle with it like anybody, any one of you has struggled with it. So I'm obviously not speaking from theory. I'm speaking from what I have experienced, what people have experienced who have related to me. Their experiences, which is the reason for my writing the book Happiness Is a Serious Problem. And you will be thanked for it because these courses have made the book possible. It has confronted me with having to say these things to real live people and not to my word processor, which is an immediate challenge. And secondly, your input will be invaluable to me. Talking about input, there is something I would appreciate right now. Most of you have pads, so if you could spare a piece of paper to someone next to you who doesn't, please take 2 minutes to write down the following for me. It will be very helpful to me. You— I would like you to write your name. This is something you're going to give to me. The difference between this term and last term— last term, for those of you who did not take it, was a description of precisely why The name of my book is Happiness Is a Serious Problem. It's because it is a serious problem, and I listed last term about 12 or 13 major obstacles to being happy. They are all so major that it is amazing that anybody is happy. It is, uh, it is understandable that a lot of people aren't, and a lot of people aren't because of these obstacles. This term is an attempt at solutions. Last time there were solutions only in the sense that the actual obstacle I would list and then try to answer. So that, for example, I mentioned human nature. Recall that? Human nature and its infinite desires and its insatiability. So we spoke about trying to curb it and saying, at this point I would be satiated, and so on. But real down-to-earth suggestions as how to lead one's life with regard to becoming happier, that is reserved for this term. The only fear I have in this term is lapsing into things you already know. I, I feel a very deep moral obligation to your time and money to constantly give you revelation upon revelation. I can't. I'm not teaching you medieval Hungarian history about which you probably know nothing, and I know nothing as well. But, but if I were to teach it, it would be constant, all new, no clichés about it. That is my one fear. Sometimes, though, it is not possible to avoid. Much of what will be said are things that at least one of you on any given thing will have also thought of, hopefully. I mean, it would be inconceivable that you didn't. You're bright, and you also live with these things. In fact, I would like to hear from you what you think, by the time this course moves on, I may have omitted. I would be very interested to learn. These are not all the fruits just of my own life, obviously, because every one of our lives is very limited. But that's my only fear. The other fear is actually that there is so much to say, and it goes into so many areas of life, philosophical and otherwise, that I hope we can have actually the time to fit it all in. Let me begin by telling you my thesis. My thesis is that happiness is to be made, not felt. In that alone, it departs from a vast amount of the literature of self-help that there is. The very, very notion of saying, "I feel happy," or "I don't feel happy," or "I feel unhappy," is something that I would like to try to deal with and knock out of you in the course of this term. Not that I deny feelings. That would be sick. That would be literally sick. I don't deny feelings of unhappiness. I don't deny feelings of happiness, neither in you nor in me. What I am arguing is, however, that you cannot rely on feelings of happiness or unhappiness alone in order to determine whether you're happy, or leave it at your feelings and then just move on in life. You can't. As I said last term, it is a battle. Happiness is a battle for many people, not for all. Some have just an up disposition from birth, as some have a down disposition from birth. Nevertheless, I believe that it is a battle to be happy. I emphasize the word battle because of the following: it is easier to be unhappy. Do you hear me? It's easier to be unhappy. I remember, and I'll try not to use me all the time, but I— but this one was so vivid. I remember when it happened. I was in high school. And nobody takes him or herself more seriously than high school and college students. They have rediscovered the wheel at that age. You know what, was it Mark Twain who had said, "When I left for college, I thought my father was a dummy, and when I got back, I couldn't believe how much he had learned in 4 years." We take ourselves very seriously at that time, and part of that seriousness is almost an unwillingness to act happy. It's almost chic to be moody, chic to be neurotic, chic to be complex, as if it takes complexity to be moody and unhappy. That is the way people think. There is almost a common predilection towards connecting Happiness and simplicity, right? You always say, "Oh, a happy fool," right? That's what we would think. Never think of an unhappy fool. "Oh, unhappy, must be deep." Do you ever think of deep people smiling? No, you think of deep people pondering life and dying. This is because the unhappy have built up an entire repertoire of excuses to take the easy way out. Ladies and gentlemen, any idiot can be unhappy. It takes no skill to be depressed. Do you hear me? That is the overriding element that I want to bring to you. I do not admire unhappy people. They have achieved nothing in that regard. That doesn't mean an unhappy person cannot do much good in this world and be a moral giant. Don't get me wrong, of course. I can admire them for something else. An unhappy person who conducts a great symphony is a great conductor, obviously. But in terms of the person's achievement as a person, insofar as happiness is concerned, any jerk can be unhappy. It's easy. It's real easy. I tell you, I remember this thought hitting me on the New York subway. That's when it happened. One night, coming back from Manhattan to Brooklyn. I don't— it's one of the few vivid memories from my high school years. I was sitting and I was leaning back like this. That's how vividly I recall on the seat on the D train. And I was— and I had been unhappy when it dawned on me, you know what? That's the easy way out. Those are the magic words. If you would ever want, if we ever have any dealings and you want to get something from me, just tell me that the other way is the easy way out, and I will immediately perk up because I was raised never to take the easy way out. And I realize that another term for unhappy is you took the easy way out. You gave up. You gave in. You did what's easy. So I am here to tell you I don't accept that. Sure, there could be times where something so incredibly awful— I mean, my friend, if you lose the functioning of all your limbs, if you have become eyeball rotating and that is all that is left of you, and you are being fed through intravenous, and you would prefer to die I understand that. I defended that woman, that poor woman's right to die, who was precisely, or nearly precisely, in those circumstances. Her name, I think, Catherine Bouvier, was that her name? I appreciate the fact that there could be such a burden on a human life that one wants out. That one just cannot say, "Well, I'll just conquer this." But ladies and gentlemen, for the 99.99% of the rest of humanity, I don't accept it. I have been with people who have lost spouses when they were young and never remarried. I was just with such people last week. Two women who had lost their husbands in their 40s and they were now in their 80s. It would have been 40 years of widowhood. And quite poor, who had conquered it, who always had annoying unhappiness and annoying emptiness for this husband who had left, and yet who walked around happier than people I know who have everything. I have never seen a correlation between circumstances and happiness in my life. Never. It is a big lie. If only I had X, I'd be happy. Yes, on rare occasions it may be true, but it is so rare as to not be fitting for most. The correlation between bad circumstances and unhappiness is as rare as between good circumstances and happiness. People do what they want. If you will it, you can be happier. Happier doesn't mean walking around with a perpetual smile and bouncing around and faking it. What it means is not fully definable, but you all know what I do mean because you all know the difference between happy and unhappy. That is why I believe that such a book and such a course can be worthwhile. Otherwise, if I thought it was a matter of feelings, then all I would learn is how to induce certain feelings and hope that you had more happy feelings than unhappy feelings. But as I said last term, the reasons that one may have unhappy feelings at any given time can be so extraneous to any reason for being unhappy. I mean, one of the well-known reasons is in many women a premenstrual syndrome, as it is called. Now, does a woman at that time feel unhappy? Yes, of course. Does that mean she is unhappy? That's the question. Can you be able to say— now, I've never experienced this firsthand, obviously— but can one be able to say, I feel miserable But I'm not? The answer is yes. And you have to say it, otherwise your feelings will win. It's a war. You against feelings. Have them, and we will— I want to, this first session, analyze what feelings to take seriously or not. But I'm telling you, that alone can't be the determinant. If it is the determinant, then please understand this. And if you are taking any notes, this is a sentence worth noting. If happiness is determined by feelings, then it is simply reduced to pleasurable feelings. That means, in effect, cows really are the happiest creatures. No, it's a very fair question. Is a cow happy? It's a fair question. If the issue is feelings, or take your dog. Most of you don't live with a cow, but a lot of you live with a dog. Hey, that's right. My dog is happy most of the time. And by the way, dogs can't fake it. They have a barometer. With a needle. It's called a tail. That's all. Wouldn't it be great if we had tails? Wouldn't that be interesting? It would be very interesting. In some ways, by the way, we do have tails, but that's a thing unto itself. What are our foolproof signs? And there are some, but they're not nearly as frequent or as obvious as that of a dog. It's one of the great things about observing my dog. To learn. I mean, you know, I come in the door, the dog is happy. Pleasurable feeling. She lies on her back for everybody in the world. She's the antithesis of a watchdog. And she gets a lot of pleasurable feelings. Now, if the issue then is feeling good, then you don't have a chance to come close to Lady. Lady has it all over anything that you'll ever have. And at her unhappiest, I suspect it doesn't approach what we can approach in terms of unhappiness. I don't think my dog frets about her kids ever. Has no sibling rivalry that I've known about. None whatsoever. Probably doesn't have penis envy. I mean, think of all these great things. I'm not even sure women have that in real life, you know, in human life. But that's another issue. I just want you to understand, though, that if you think in terms of feelings, look at what you have done to yourself as a human. You've reduced yourself. Because if it is feelings, then you get into the other problem, which I raised again last term, and that is of equating happiness and fun. Because it seems that while you're having fun, you're happy. But it's not true. While you're having fun, you're feeling fun. And it's not the same thing at all, at all, as we demonstrated last term, and I don't want to repeat things. So, my argument for you, and it's really the basis of this course, is that reason has to fight feelings. The natural thing is to be unhappy. You have to reverse it. This is what I aspire to in my life. It has worked generally. You have to aspire to reversing the natural tendency. The natural tendency of people is to feel either unhappy or mediocre and wait to feel happy. I aspire to trying to feel happy and knowing or waiting for those moments that I will, and undoubtedly will, feel unhappy. I try to make my norm happy. My motto is, unless something terrible is happening, I'm happy. Most people's motto is, unless something wonderful is happening, I'm unhappy. Do you see the difference? And that is why most people wait for something wonderful to happen. But of course, the problem is, what do you wait for after it happens? You have a new catalog. Change the norm and get excited about life now. Time is ticking. It is a sin to to be unhappy if there is not a great reason to be. That is how I see it. It's a sin. I see it as a sin. On religious grounds, I see it as sinful. Now, I fully understand that for some people it is a greater battle than others for reasons that we approached last term, of, among other things, just a genetic predilection, or maybe you grew up with two unhappy parents. In which case it seems to be the norm. That's how one should be. Grouchy, moody, miserable, etc. There are reasons why people are. Which brings me to the next question. Why are people feeling unhappy? I have two rules, therefore, ladies and gentlemen, that will guide this entire class. Rule number one is to fight unhappiness constantly. These are the guidelines for everything. Fight it. If it came to you, fight it. And I will give you things that will sound hilarious, but I will give you actual, down-to-earth, real-life tips on how to fight unhappiness. But you are the best person to know how to fight it, which is part of the reason I asked you originally, write down when you have felt the most happiness and when otherwise. And obviously you want to maximize the possibilities of feeling happiness. Though if it was something so major as not repeatable, maybe the happiest moment was when your kid was born. But you can't have a kid born every day, and if you did, you would be suicidal in any event. So it doesn't work. So rule number 1 is to fight unhappiness. If you feel it coming on, listen, this is the— everything here, this is the other difficult part of the course. Everything is going to be a middle position. I do not believe in denying feelings. You must hear me on that. I do— even in premenstrual— at a time of premenstrual depression, I don't believe in denying them. Because I have found, being married, that there are issues raised by my wife, if that were, when that would happen, that were important, that were otherwise bottled up in the rest of the time. See, it's not enough. My wife just kicked her husband. It was priceless. It was just as I said that. I would love to have taken that video home. Did I make a friend in that woman? I want to tell you. And that man wants his money back. Now, this is, you see, here's a classic example of you've got to take the middle approach. I am a passionate moderate, politically, personally, etc. See, I don't want the woman or the husband to deny the feelings that are coming up, let's say, and I'm using a biologically induced thing. All right, where it's obviously biology, hormonal. They are not to be denied, but on the other hand, they are not all true either. So you have to know where the wheat is and where the chaff is. It's not always easy, obviously. That's why it's good to have a dialogue with your spouse, uh, even when they're not complaining. In fact, that's the best time to have dialogues. Because then it becomes a little late when the complaints start. But here is the case: one is not to deny one's feelings, but one is not to give in to them either. You get the difference? So, one, you speak to yourself, okay, I'm feeling bad, these are the reasons I feel bad, and now I have to move on. I am not denying that fact. But I am not going to let it win. And my belief about that is very deep, because we have limited time on this planet, and if you are going to let unhappiness beat you, you lost. You might as well give up now. When do you think you're going to be happy? 8 years from now? It's a battle. It's a project. It's like learning a language. You have to learn the language of being happier. It is worth working on. Most people rely on their feelings to determine whether they're happy. It's a colossal error. It's like relying on your feelings to play Mozart. You can't. You must learn to play Mozart. When you've learned it, you incorporate the feelings into your playing. But you must learn how to feel music. I am asking you to learn how to feel life. How to feel happy. Most people never learn. They don't even realize it's worth learning. It's thought of as natural. It's like when people would take courses in anything. What is it? It's very, I don't know, for people to take sex therapy. Gee, who would need sex therapy? Sex is the most natural thing in the world. Who has to learn anything? But there's a lot to be learned even though it's natural. How do you treat your partner? What do you really want? What are your needs? What is that person's needs? What is his hangups? What are her hangups? Sex is the most natural thing in the world. If it weren't, we wouldn't, we wouldn't be here today. And yet even there, there is a great deal to be learned to maximize one's potential. So how much more so on something far more subtle than sex— happiness. So it's got to be thought, and it's got to be— you have to train yourself. Okay, these feel Feelings are welling up now. What do I do? Do I give in and just walk around, boy, am I miserable? I am just miserable. And of course, you realize it becomes an absolutely vicious cycle, because if you're miserable, those around you will react accordingly, and then you're more miserable. Now, it is true that misery likes company, right? So therefore, it's fun when everybody is miserable around me, and then we are all miserable. But by and large, we don't like that. It is not much fun. It's true, if you suffer, you want others who are suffering to commiserate, and that's understandable. But it's not quite the same as making somebody in your home, a child, a spouse most particularly, unhappy because you are. Then they fight back, and then it exacerbates exactly what was started, and it goes all over again. Why do you think happy people have so many friends? People want to be with happy people. I'll prove it. Who do the unhappy want to be with? Did you ever meet an unhappy person who said, "Oh, I would love to be friendly with so-and-so, he's so moody." That's what I said frequently. It's the ongoing observation that the moody marry the unmoody. Because they may be moody, but they're not stupid. The moody never marry the moody. In my whole life, I have never seen moody couple. In my whole life. It is unbelievable. It is a right that the moody reserve to themselves. Well, what if you don't want to live with the moody? Why do you think the unmoody want to live with the moody? Especially if you take your moods out on the others. Which is another thing that one has to conquer. So you have bad feelings, find out why. Alright, so rule number 1 is you cannot let them take it over. This is the general rule of fighting. Fight unhappiness. Seek solutions. I am profoundly solution-oriented. In that regard, I am very male. I am quite convinced, from a lifetime of looking through these things, that males tend to be more solution-oriented than females. When females feel bad, they want to be held. When men feel bad, they want to figure out what to do about it. Give me a scissors, please. I would like to know why it happened. Let us analyze it and then correct it and go on. Not all the time. Sometimes that's reversed. As a generalization, I have seen it with too many couples. I've spoken to to too many people on the radio to say that it's not a fair generalization. Women want to be heard. I had to learn this as a man. You think this stuff came naturally? I didn't have a sister. None of this. This was all learned. Absolute learned. I thought that when your wife is unhappy, you say, "Oh, what's the problem, dear? We'll fix it." Which is the single stupidest thing you could say to your wife. The absolute stupidest thing you could say to your wife. Worst possible thing. I have learned that. It took only 400 repetitions for me to learn it, but I have learned it by now. That is not what she wants to hear. Maybe a day later you subtly suggest that you do fix the leak because the rain dropping on her head may be a factor in her unhappiness. But when she says it, she wants to be heard, commiserated with, held, told that she is loved and understood. Solutions are male problems. On the other hand, thank God for males, because if men were like women, we would all commiserate and continue to drown under the leak. That's the other problem. That is why, thank God for both sexes. See, women sometimes forget, thank God he's solution-oriented. What if he were like me? You see, we'd never go to work. We would just commiserate all day and hold each other and tell each other, I hear you. I hear you, but we don't have any money. That's where I am. So both sexes are very important in this regard. I am solution-oriented. I therefore acknowledge at the outset that that is my predisposition, and those of you who are not as solution-oriented Um, I, I, there's nothing I could say to you except that I assume you don't want to be unhappy, but that is not a truly fair assumption. That's why I began this whole course by saying people like being unhappy. There's something good about being unhappy. It's, it's, first of all, you get it. A lot of people, I am convinced, and this is something worthy of, of analyzing A lot of people may feel that if they're unhappy, they won't get attention. If they walk around happy, then they won't be hugged, they won't be held, they won't be heard. So that there actually on occasion may be benefits. I know somebody who refuses to admit she is happy. This was from years ago. I don't know what has happened in the intervening years. Because her mother would always tell her to be happy. She was so angry at her mother about constantly, "Why aren't you happy? Be happy, be happy," that to admit she was happy was to play into her mother's hands. So as a result, it became giving in to be happy. I won't admit it. So we all may have reasons, but there is also, by the way, there is a risk in being happy. The risk is you can fall. People don't like risks. There's one thing terrific about being unhappy: nowhere to go. Can't get worse, right? Very hard to disappoint an unhappy person. Happy people can get disappointed. They're happy and boom, they get slammed in the face. So there's a risk about being happy. That's why it is very worth your while asking, and I mean this with utter sincerity, sincerity, do you really want to be? Because if you want to be, no, I won't make you, your spouse won't make you, your children won't make you, no one will make you happy. Only you can. You must understand that. It's not a cliché. No one can make you happy. It's the proverbial thing about the guy waiting for the right girl to make him happy and the girl waiting for the right guy to make her happy. And what happens is they're both miserable and make each other worse because they're both waiting for somebody to make them happy. The happier attract people. They do. It is unbelievable how a person's looks can be dependent, can be so profoundly affected by their demeanor. You all know that. If you saw a picture of a certain man or a certain woman, And the picture had— just a picture, a mugshot, a passport shot. He's saying average looking, looks depressing, ugly. That is how powerful and important it is, but it has to come from within you. Nobody will supply it for you. If you are single, you cannot say, if I only meet somebody, then I'll be— first of all, the likelihood of your meeting the right person, if there is such a thing, is so far reduced by your being unhappy. Nobody— well, it's not true. I was going to say nobody wants to be your happiness savior. It's not true. A lot of people have a messianic impulse and want to make the unhappy happy, and it's a very, uh, very futile thing. It's a very common thing, and it's a very futile thing. You have to will it, and I contend to you that but a lot of people don't. There's something comforting about misery. But if you want to, you have to fight it. Rule number 2: Find out as best as possible why you are unhappy. I mean to the extent, literally to the extent of having a blood test to see if certain hormones are present. I mean, if you're really serious about it, if you find life has really not been all that terrible to you and you are chronically unhappy, there may truly be a physiological factor. I think it is worth finding that out. I don't think for most people it is, but it may be for some of you. It is worth finding out if that is a factor. I forgot the— endorphins, is that the word? That these things are, if they're not secreted in enough amounts, that one is more likely to be depressed. I mean, the relationship between biology and psychology is clear. Not in every instance, by any means, by any means. I still favor more towards the psychological than the biological, but I don't deny it for a minute that there's a biological factor. But forgetting now for a moment the biological predisposition The next time you feel unhappy, you must ask the question, "Why?" If you have this as an ongoing ritual, an instinct, an instinct, I have to clear the air. Why am I right now unhappy? You may not know, in which case I won't repeat what I said last term. It's all taped. I don't know if any of you did not take it or did and would like to hear it, but I made a very passionate case for people seeing qualified, which is an extremely important qualifier, a psychotherapist. I'm a big believer in both psychotherapy and psychoanalysis. I believe that it is important to learn who we are and that we usually need help to find out who we are, if only just to talk it out. Have somebody hear it. In that regard, by the way, if you can't afford it or have a hangup about doing it, uh, keep a diary. I am a very big believer in people keeping diaries. That is one of the things I'm telling you. This is going to be mostly practical advice, this course. Write it down. It is something for you to think about. I would have a monitoring diary. I would go home and I would write, today I feel Yesterday I felt happy, today I don't feel happy. Try to find out what it is. Write down in that diary, "Because of the following," or, "I simply don't know why," which may very well be the case. Then there are two possibilities: either it is so deep you need to unearth it, or you are hiding it from yourself, or it's physiological. That is why that is so important. If you are often unhappy and don't know why, there is nothing that will change. Please believe me, nothing will change. You can move to a new building, you can win the lottery, you could find a great spouse, it won't change. You need to know why. And by the way, if you are single and you think that it'll change by meeting the right spouse, please understand that until you figure out why you're unhappy, you'll never meet the right person. You'll keep falling in love with the wrong people. That's why these things are so important. My life has been devoted to making the case for an ethical life. I'm a big believer that that is the most important thing. But while we are on this earth, on this trip, on this journey, why not make it as happy a one as possible? So I believe in that very strongly. And there probably is some linkage between goodness and happiness. Though I think it's in the opposite direction than it's usually given. I think goodness produces more happiness than happiness produces goodness, and I'm going to talk about that link later in the course. My friends, you have to find out why you feel unhappy. You can't let it just go. You have to make— I tell you, as odd as this sounds, this is probably the single most important thing I might say this entire course. You must find out why. I have always said in my life I prefer clarity to happiness, and I do believe that. I want to know why. If I am— I am divorced and remarried, and thank God very happily remarried. But the everyone— anyone here who's gone through a divorce or knows anyone who has knows that that it is a very painful thing. And that is what shook me up to realize a lot of the things that I'm telling you. I should have done this earlier. I should have looked in and figured out what animates me. I knew one thing when I got divorced: I did something wrong. Not guilt. I didn't feel guilty. We were the classic example of both equally guilty. Just exactly— we were textbook, okay? It was absolute 50/50. We both married the wrong person, but I should have known why I would marry the wrong person based on things that had animated me, but never looked deeply enough to figure it out. I just thought, if I get the following qualities in a woman, then it's right. And she thought, the following qualities in a man, that's Right, end of issue, and then we are right. Both checklists will love each other forever and ever. Checklists don't marry each other, shouldn't marry each other. People should, but people who know what animates them should. That's why I— that's one of the many reasons I so believe in clarity, and I always did, but in this arena I didn't even know I wasn't clear. That's why I believe that people should take— should have analysis or psychotherapy as a prophylactic, not when the bad thing has happened later. It is worthwhile now, while you're happy, to analyze yourself. Wouldn't you want to, just out of interest? Why is it interesting to read the biography of Harry Truman but not read the biography of you? That's the argument I would make about analysis, or analysis which is of course the most involved, which is 4 days a week, which I haven't undergone but would love to one day. Just a matter of the time is just such a major factor and such a commitment. But at least being able to go to qualified, and let me tell you, that's the key word here, because it is much easier to be a good pediatrician or podiatrist or or surgeon than to be a good psychologist. And yet it's much easier to get a degree in that than it is to become a surgeon. So that's a problem, because a person needs something far more than the knowledge of the books. They need common sense, which again, as Mark Twain put it, is a misnomer because it's so uncommon. This issue of clarity, of knowing yourself and being clear, having clarity about why you're unhappy, why you are happy, is of course another way of saying the ancient thing, the ancient proverb, "Know thyself." The better you know yourself, the better chances you will have, overwhelmingly, of making a happy life. In this regard, by the way, it will help explain why I am so adamant, for those of you who have ever heard me or read me before, this will explain why, one of the reasons I am so adamant about not lying about human nature. There are so many lies told about human nature today, especially by intellectual people, that is one of the reasons that I am so convinced that there are so many unreal people walking around. People who are acting and not really living reality. For example, the issue, for example, are people basically good? Any of you who have ever heard me speak know that I passionately argue against the notion that people are basically good. I don't believe we're basically evil either. I think that we are basically neutral with very strong tendencies in both directions, and it is a constant battle with ourselves to be good or to not be good. You are living in the late 20th century in the Western world. The Western world, for about 200 years, has posited that people are basically good. That, I think, is a major source of problems insofar as it denies that bad impulses are natural. And that causes a very great deal of confusion. One of the reasons that I live easily with myself, more so than many people I know, is because I recognize my bad impulses and know that they are natural. I therefore do not have the guilt or the denial that a lot of people who think that that is sick have. I think my rotten impulses, my perverse impulses, if you will, are as normal as having breakfast. Okay? Literally and truly. The rottenest, dirtiest, filthiest, smuttiest part of me, I live with absolute peace with. "How you doing, smut? Good morning, good to see ya. Have a wonderful day." What I have learned from an early age though, is you don't let them be expressed if they will express themselves in a harmful way to another. By the way, that "if" will be a very big "if" in this course, because if something does not do something immoral, unethical, harmful, then goddammit, why don't you express it? It was in this regard, it was an argument that I had with clergy, all three clergy were against me, which is typical, on one of my, uh, Religion on the Line, uh, programs on KABC a few weeks ago when the issue about sexual relations between husbands and wives came into the picture. And one was more flowery than the other. The rabbi more than the priest, more than the minister. The priest more than the minister. The minister more than the rabbi. They were out-flowering each other about how one should regard one's wife, not as— or one's spouse, never as a sexual object, but always with the understanding of the holiness of the sexual act. And I was sitting there and I was twirling my eyeballs. They were rotating in orbit. I mean, I didn't know where these guys were living, but who the hell wants to do that? That is, that is so weird. I— it was actually See, to me that was weird. And I finally got in, and I would love, if I find that tape, I'm going to play it for you in class. Because, you know, I was very gentle but very firm and said, "Gee, with all respect, I don't agree. I think that a man who sees his wife as a sexual object is so lucky, and she is so lucky that he does. That's terrific!" And I tell you, If this were the Middle Ages, they'd have stoned me. You know, they didn't know where I was coming from. They said, "No, no, the real thing is to see it pure. One should never have an objectivized view." What are you talking about? That's not the way the sexual component, especially in males, is manufactured. Whoever manufactured it didn't manufacture it that way. And if one could preserve that form of sexual excitement in the marital relationship, my God, that is a great thing for a marriage. That is why I'm a very big believer: express everything in you so long as it isn't wrong. If it's morally wrong, sorry, you've got to suppress it. And that includes a lot of things. Forget the sexual arena. I mean, you know, it's natural to steal. I know that it's natural to steal. That is why I ask the opposite question, please pardon the term, of liberals. Liberals ask, "What produces thieves?" I ask, "What produces non-thieves?" We have opposite ways of viewing life. I believe thievery is natural. I see $1,000 there and I know I could take it and no one will know. It is natural for me to take it. I have to curb that for moral reasons. But since this is not a course on morality but on happiness, I am telling you that making peace with the fact that you would like to take that $1,000 is right. Know that about yourself. Don't deny your bad parts. I got them. I stare at them. You are a part of me, just as my feet are. I do not intend to destroy you. I intend to channel you. You get the difference? I intend to not let you express yourself, but I don't intend to destroy you. You are part of me. And by the way, the people that are most energetic in this world are those who are most aware of their bad impulses. False. They're live wires. It's very important. And if you have— if you are married, one of the— one of— that's one of the things marriage could be great. Now I'm very serious about that. It is one of the best ways of knowing your partner. You should have a weekly meeting about your miserable sides. And by the way, it's such a helpful thing in just letting out, just the fact that you can recognize it. Every one of you has it. The goody-two-shoes girl in 8th grade who sat there, "Yes, Mrs. Jones, yes, I have my homework for you," also has it. She just doesn't know she has it. Everybody has it. Thank God you have it. Otherwise, you'd be a tulip. Clarity about your nature is critical. And clarity about your nature means as well clarity— or one of its manifestations is clarity about why you're unhappy. You must, next time you feel it, ask yourself Why? My belief is, once you know it, first of all, that's a big help in itself. When I get unhappy, I'll be driving along and I realize I'm not in a good mood, and I'll really dig. Why aren't I happy? What is bothering me now? What is bothering me now? If I find out, I actually feel better, though nothing's been done. That's what I mean by clarity is my number one aim. The mere finding out about it is so helpful. It might be something that is soluble. I mean, if you lost a child and it just haunts you, then you know you lost a child and it is haunting. And if that is the reason, well, then at least you know it isn't other things. It isn't your your husband, it isn't your wife, it isn't your coworkers. It's that you lost a kid. That's important to know. It'll calm you. It'll calm you about life. That's, that's what's gnawing at me. A couple can't have a child? That's what's maybe gnawing. Some things just gnaw. Know what it is that's gnawing. Then it's my belief you should try to do something about it. You lost a child, then among the— just off the top of my head, because I know people who have, they have found some solace, for example, in groups of other parents who have lost children. And the people who meet to talk with each other, I commend, because they're wanting to do something about it. They don't sit home and just say, "Woe unto me, I lost a child. I have no reason to live." If you feel that, by the way, you lost your child and have no reason to live, oof, that's very serious. That is very serious, and it's something that I'm going to talk about when we talk about the things that we ascribe happiness and meaning to in life because of somewhat of a hole in our own. Children being the most obvious example. It's a very serious problem in life that every parent has, and everyone who wants a child and can't have one and thinks they're not happy because they don't have one is having as well. One other example, by the way, of where the denial of human nature, I think, causes people unnecessary happiness is in the denial of basic differences between men and women. It's another example, I think, of where people make themselves needlessly unhappy because they have to fake what their natures really are. That is another thing, by the way, if men and women can honestly talk, and in this regard I think women are more honest about their natures to their husbands than husbands tend to be about theirs to to their wives. Women tend not to hesitate about saying, "Look, this is the way I really feel." As for example, the one that I told you I learned after 400 times. The one, "Look, I don't want a solution, Dennis. I just want to be heard and held." So there the woman is being honest about her nature, which is different from mine. Mine is, "I feel miserable, give me a solution." But men's natures are more threatening in some ways, understandably, more depressing to a woman. And so a lot of men hide aspects of their nature. I discussed this when I talked about the insatiability issue. And if you'd like to read it, I've written it up in this very last issue that I published in my newsletter. It's under the title, "Men, Women, and Insatiability." But I'm telling you, the price that people pay for denying people's natures, whether their own or their spouse's or their kids', is that they have to live unreal. And the more you act— this is one I'd like you to put down if you have a colored pen, put it in many colors so you will always see it— the more you act, the less happy you can be. Most people act. There are times when we all have to act, right? You can't belch at a table. I mean, the very process of civilizing ourselves involves certain suppression and ought to. But everything in life is a matter of gradation, is a matter of degree. If you have to act, you can't be happy. How could you be happy? You're in prison. You have imprisoned yourself in an actor's act. That's probably why, by the way, we so frequently associate actors with being unhappy. That is, they need to believe themselves so frequently. I'm not saying this about all actors, of course, but I do know actors, and they would be the first to admit, in fact, it's almost a badge of honor among actors to be unhappy, to be complex, neurotic, etc. But it is not good when you're not on stage to be acting, and if you're acting, it means that you are a afraid that if the real you were to express itself, you'd be finished. Or you deny who you really are, or you're ashamed of it, or you're frightened by it. Part of the thing that we'll work on in this term is why people have this fear, and it's the fear of what'll they say. The number of people in history who have lived guided by the principle of "what'll they say?" is probably upwards of 90%. Do you know entire civilizations are based on it? Literally. The Orient is based on it. "What will they say?" That is the guiding principle of social life in Japan to this day. "What will they say?" There is a phrase in Japanese. I know I only know the translation. The nail that sticks out is knocked in, is hammered down. You don't stick out. You ask, how do the other nails feel about me? In Arab society, it is entirely that. What will they say? That is why how your daughter acts is more important than anything else. If she in any way seems to bring disrepute on the house through sexual activity or even suggestions of it, it is all based on the Arab word "waj," which means face. And that is the way many of you were brought up in the most individualistic society in human history, America. What'll they say? Remember the scene in Ordinary People? Go to the brother's funeral and tells the brother to put on the right shirt. That's what counts. What'll they say even at the funeral of my child? That's the thing. A lot of you were raised that way. What'll they say if what? And then you can fill in any natural thing you ever wanted to do. What'll they say? Well, if it doesn't hurt anybody, folks, goddamn it, do it. Or put yourself in a position in which you're capable of doing it. I'll give you a personal anecdote in this regard, which is a very major part of my life. I have a number of sources of income in my life, and one of the major reasons I have seen to it that I could do that is so that I could always be natural in any one of them and be fired. I feel utterly free on radio to say what I think. I say some weird things sometimes, some outlandish things, and some politically very inadvisable things. And if I were fired, I have other sources of income. I think, to the best of my knowledge, I'm one of the few on the station that does. And therefore, you must understand what happens. First of all, they live much more worried than I. They have to think of their words more so. I'll give you one example. I attack Jesse Jackson more than anybody on the station, though I know for a fact that others feel about him as I do. But there was a deep fear among many that, well, there might be jeopardy of their position. I don't care. I say frequently I think he's the most dangerous man in American public life. Whether you agree with me or not is irrelevant to this. I'm merely telling you I sleep very well at night saying what I think. They fire me, they fire me. I'll give more lectures, I'll write more books. I'll get more subscribers. I'll teach more courses on happiness. That's very important to me because I can't stand acting. It drives me mad. It is a wonderful thing to be able to know yourself and act it. Free yourself, within ethical bounds. I always have to add that. It's very, very important. Now, there are times where there is a rub. Your parent, you know, your mother is ill and she wants to move into your house. The natural you says, hey, I want to be free. The ethical you says, I have obligations to my sick mother. I'm not saying that it's always very easy, but I'm saying in general it is. In general life, to say this is the way I am and that is it, without— obviously, I keep saying, without being obnoxious. That's the part of you you have to curb. But, uh, if you have, uh, idiosyncratic modes of dressing, idiosyncratic modes of living that don't hurt anybody, do them. I'll tell you something that'll blow your mind. Blew mine. I am extreme— I am obsessed, not extremely interested, obsessed with the issue of of goodness and evil. And I am particularly obsessed with how do you make good people, not how you make evil people. That, I think, I know. Just let them act naturally. The question to me is how do you make good people? And I have studied, and there isn't much to study, there are so few books on altruism. Altruism is just another term for goodness, if you will. Specifically, I've always been fascinated by the question of why did somebody risk his or her life to save a Jew during the Holocaust? Because that was altruism beyond the call of duty. You literally risked your life. It wasn't you risked even imprisonment. You risked your life to save a stranger of another faith. That's some action. And it was very interesting. They found in all the studies that they have done very few things that they could really pinpoint, because goodness is complex. Ironically, among the things that they found in one study was that a disproportionate number of the rescuers that's what they're called, had reputations from before the war of being extremely individualistic, almost characters. Isn't that interesting? Now, what's a character? So-and-so's a character. That's right. Somebody who doesn't live to what'll they say, right? What'll they say? They'll say I'm a character. They— the training that one has to be able to march to one's drummer, what does that mean? It means to be authentic to what you are. And you're not me, and I'm not you, and you're not anybody else. You're unique. Now, we need to all live in civilization, you know. If you're Your drummer says, "Go up the diamond lane," even when you're the only driver, well, screw you, Bob. Everybody's nature says that. But within the bounds of civilized behavior, you need to know yourself and feel free to act upon it. That makes a happier person. Otherwise, you're acting. So who's happy? The actor? But the actor is not a real character. Don't you understand? The role that you're playing isn't real. How could a role be happy? That's why I— that is why I begin with two rules for this course: fight unhappiness And rule number 2 is know why you are, if you are. And to know that, you must know 2 things: human nature generally. Men must know what men are about. Men must know what women are about. Women must know what women are about. Women must know what men are about. People must know what people are about. And you must know yourself, because you are more than just another human nature. You have your proclivities. You your tendencies. All right, um, debating whether to go to a new topic or to take questions. Are there any questions before I go to something new? By the way, what I do in each session is is at the beginning of a session, open up for questions, because some things you may have thought of over the course of the week when we haven't seen each other. Are there any now? Okay, good. No, not good. I don't want to say that because that might inhibit. There are? Yes, sir? Yes, I agree with your statement of seeking solutions, whether men or women, when you have problems. I would I would like to hear you use the term that they're challenges rather than battles. Why? Why would you rather hear the term challenge than battle? Battle puts you right back into a situation of being another problem. It is a problem, but why should a problem make you unhappy? Challenge. Well, all right, you listen. I'll— you live with challenge, I'll live with problems. I'll live with battle. I think that a lot of these are battles. I really do. So, but if you prefer to see them as a challenge, or that's— if— listen, I am very results-oriented. I don't mean to at all be sarcastic, but if you want to call it a train engine, that's fine by me too. You know, if you come out with the same thing I do, God bless you. All right, you see what I'm saying? But for me, maybe— by the way, it may be a reflection of me. For me, some of these Some things are battles. I have to battle my nature in certain areas. I know that. I don't call it a challenge. I call it a goddamn rotten disgusting drag-out battle. Okay? That's me. What am I going to do? For you, you may have been blessed. They're just challenges. All right? That's what can I tell you. That's right. That's what can I say. Anybody else? Yes? Yes, during the earlier class you talked about God being concerned about what the Egyptians would say. And now here we're— Yeah, that's an ethical question. What people will say about you ethically is to me important. Not what people will say about your shoes. Not what people will say about You know, whether you decided, you're a kid and you decided to leave school to travel around the world, or you decided you don't like New Year's Eve. Everybody has pressure on you, you've got to go to a New Year's Eve party, but after the last 15 stank, you've decided you want to stay home. And all your friends think, "Oh my God, the Ginsburgs are staying home New Year's Eve. Boy, are they party poopers, those lucky bastards." That's what I mean. Are you prepared to say New Year's Eve, between you and me, it stinks. I'm going out January 2nd. That's an ability to say I really don't care what they think. Okay? But that's not an ethical area. I think in ethics it should be very important what people think. Of course. I mean, I don't deny I think that people's opinions in that regard, and especially of those one respects, is very important. And that is certainly something, if you want to make a better world, that you certainly have to do. Otherwise, how could you be a model of anything? Yes? Why are you more concerned with results than the end result than motives? Why am I more concerned with results than motives? You're talking now ethically? You mentioned it at that one point. Well, I'll give you a few examples very quickly. I'll give you a big macro example. Though this is entirely a micro course, I'll give you a macro example. I believe that Gorbachev is doing unbelievable things, absolutely unbelievable, and I am a dyed-in-the-wool anti-communist. A lot of my communist friends, or communist— or— there you go. What did I say? Communist friends or conservative? Right. I don't have any communist friends. A lot of my conservative friends will say to me, or conservatives will call on the radio and say, "Oh, Gorbachev, why are you praising Gorbachev so much? He just wants to strengthen communism. He had no choice. He realized if he didn't undergo perestroika, the Soviet Union would collapse economically." To which my answer is, I don't really give a damn why Gorbachev did it. Gorbachev is doing. I don't care if he believes that Lenin came to him in a dream and said, "Save me from Brezhnev." And, uh, why do I care? All I know is Bulgaria, Romania, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, Poland, and East Germany are now free when a few months ago they were communist. So what do I care why he did it? You see, that's an example of where motives don't interest me. And motives don't interest me on the other— On bad things. It's a typical thing, you know, well, a guy just murders a family. So people say, well, let's understand why. Let us try to analyze what produced him to do that. I don't care then either. We have a monster in human form who likes shooting families. Okay? These people, I don't know why they were made or what their motives were. Maybe, again, Somebody appeared to him in a dream. Doesn't interest me. I know that I have a monster in human form. So for good or for bad, I can't judge motives. I don't even always know my motives. Do you always know your motives? We don't. No one is that clear that we can possibly know all our motives. How do you know why people— maybe Mother Teresa is trying to impress her mother. Okay, maybe she was raised— her mother said, 'You selfish thing! You stink! You are miserable! You are lousy!' And she said, 'I will show my mother. I will clean the dead from Calcutta for the next 62 years.' Does that make Mother Teresa any less good? Do you understand? Does it make her work any less good? That's what she really wants, is to impress her mother, who yelled at her for being selfish. That is why I don't like when people people do that, it reduces the human being to a computer. If you just do the right software, you'll get these results. That's why I'm not a motives-oriented person. Okay? The same thing with, you know, it's a common thing in a Jewish institution like this, all over the place, you know, there's the Harry Ginsburg toilet, the Ethel Ginsburg fountain, the Harry and Ethel Ginsburg fan, whatever it is. In Jewish life, this is frequently laughed at, as you're laughing at it now. And yet, look at this beautiful building. Now, do I— I bless Harry and Ethel Ginsburg when I'm in their toilet, believe me. God bless them. That's a nice toilet, and they gave it— blah, blah, blah. I— that's why. So others will say, oh, it's no big deal, they wanted their name. Well, you know, there are a lot of ways of getting your name up in this world, and they picked a very beautiful way, so I salute it. Is it even more nice to have the anonymous toilet? Yeah, that's even more noble, the anonymous toilet. But I don't, uh, doesn't, doesn't make a deal for me. So I'm not motives— I'm not motives-oriented in that regard. It's nice to know your own because I believe give them clarity. But I'm not absolutely certain. I ask, I challenge myself all the time. I'll give you an example. Here I am, I think that I am ethical, right? It concerns me so much. So I say to myself, well, well, how come I take money for my speeches then? After all, I should only do free speeches, right? And then I say, well, what if I were a millionaire? Would I still do this? Would I still do all this speaking? Or would in fact I I did less speaking because I didn't need the money so much. So am I really moral? I ask that all the time. But it is endless. It's endless. So what do I do? Since I do question myself, I tithe my speaking. I give 1 out of every 10 for free. Okay? And the other 9 I charge a fortune. And that's it. Then I make money and feel good. Hey, I'm a pro, guys. Why do you think I'm giving this course? All right, where were we? Yes, sir. The Western saying that the squeaky wheel gets greased, do you think that's a counterpoint to the Japanese saying that you mentioned earlier? Is that indicative of Western thought? Yeah, no, it's not nearly as indicative. And ask the Japanese, by the way, it's the Japanese themselves themselves will say that that is a major factor of their society. This wasn't a put-down, it was merely a statement of the way society is run. By the way, most Americans are conformists too. Don't get me wrong. All I'm saying is that individualism is far more rewarded here than it is in most societies, which is why so many people want to immigrate, emigrate to the United States more than any other country. Because here the individual is celebrated more than any other country. Okay? Because it is not for the wealth. Switzerland is wealthier. Scandinavia, or at least Sweden, is wealthier per capita. The issue is not that. The issue is the opportunities and the glorification of an individual doing it. You know, you drop out of high school here and you start— it's funny, last week I was in Canada. Kansas visiting my wife's family, and they took me to Wichita State University where my brother-in-law is a professor. And did you know, but you didn't know, Pizza Hut was founded by two Wichita State University students. And there in the middle of the Wichita State University campus is the exact replica of the first Pizza Hut with the first Pizza Hut sign, and on it is a beautiful The Amaranth thing started by, I don't remember who and who, two students at Wichita State University who on a $600 loan started this and sold it in 19-whatever for $300 million. And this is, this should be a lesson to the students here about what the entrepreneurial individualistic spirit can do. Okay? That's the sort of thing that's celebrated. In this society. What's-his-name started Apple Computer in a garage. We laud that. It's in fact, foreigners make the point that the United States is among the countries with the least amount of envy of the rich. Most countries, the rich are hated. In this country, they want to be emulated. People want to emulate them, not hate them. It's a very big difference. It's a very interesting thing. Hey, he did it, why can't I? Not, he did it, I'm going to shoot him, I hate him for doing it. I won't be able to do that other topic, so you might as well in the last 3-4 minutes ask what you might have on your minds. Yes? Talk about people having lists about their major future myths that usually lead to unhappiness. Wait, wait, talk, say that again. You talked about people having lists. Oh, lists. —of their future spouse, yeah. That would probably lead to unhappiness. What do you base your selection on, not a list? That's a very good question. It's a very fair question. What do you base your selection of a spouse on if not a list? If you know yourself, well and you have become a quality individual, then I would say to you, and God knows this is not the answer I would have given 10 years ago, I blush at what I would have answered 10 years ago, within obvious parameters, and by obvious I mean For example, for me, an obvious parameter would be that someone I'd marry would be a Jew. Didn't have to be born one, which is the case in my case, as it happens, but certainly the person I would marry would have to be a Jew. I mean, that's just a parameter, as any religious person has. Religious Catholics have that. But outside of such parameters, I would say that you have to follow your your gut more than a list. That is, that in the final analysis sounds odd for me, who is so rational, and yet you don't marry rationally. You form a business enterprise rationally. The person that you will build your life with, now, that is why it is worth knowing each other long enough so that your gut can react negatively as well. That is why the rational part of me doesn't say keep a list. The rational part of me says know each other long enough so that if your gut continues to say this is the right person, it probably is. From people that I have spoken to, listen, I'll put it to you this way. The good marriages that I have known, all 3, just a joke. The good marriages that I have known, and you do the same. See, I interview people all the time. By the way, this will be a final interesting point on this idea of interviewing people. But the good marriages that I have known, I have always asked people, "How did you choose?" Did you— and you should do the same, ask them. I have never heard, "Well, he met all the things on my list." he or she met all the things on my list. They will usually say, boy, were we lucky, which is very true, by the way. There's an immense amount of luck in a good marriage. There is. Because first of all, you don't know how people will be later, especially if you marry at 22, let's say, as certainly our parents did, if not younger. And what do you know at 22? I mean, my God, I mean, I'm not You know, people make mistakes when they marry 32, 42, 52, let alone 22. It's why I'm very— I mean, tragically, I have liberal views on divorce. Because it is not a mitzvah to be miserable. And it is possible to be so on making the wrong choice. However, what you need to have, and this is why your question is important, I think you need to have a list of things that are indispensable, but not a list of things that make the person the person. That's the difference. This is very important. There should be, for example, for me, character was always A number 1. I had to know, not that the person was a character. I'm a character. I didn't need a character. But that the person had good values and a strong, very strong sense of goodness and moral values was just absolutely critical to me. So that becomes an indispensable. But the fact that a person has good character doesn't mean I should marry her. That's what I mean by dropping the list. Most people who have a list think, if I just meet someone with A, B, C, D, E, and F, that's the right person. That's what's completely wrong. You can have A, B, C, D, E, and F as your indispensable traits, but that doesn't make the person right. Not having some of them makes the person wrong, but having them doesn't make the person right. And that's a common error that people make. Oh, wow. You know, I even announced it. I said this on my show just this past week. I had a friend when I was in graduate school. He had a very clear thing. He said to me point blank, he said, Dennis, this girl is the prettiest girl who would ever go for me. I'm marrying her. That was it. He was point blank clear. That was it. That was his checklist. Pretty? I can't believe anybody would go for this blubber brain, which is— he had a self-image of an octopus, and it was awful. And so the first pretty girl who went for him, that was why. And he said it. He was absolutely clear about it. He had that checklist. So that's what I'm— or even noble checklist. Just be, as I said earlier, just because this man, you know, I've seen it so often, I've seen it, I know it, and in people I have seen where she says, God, you know, he's kind, he makes a good living, he's moral, he's established, he has all the right things, but I don't feel anything. Well, if you're going to live with somebody day in and day out till you drop dead, you should feel something. I rationally conclude that the gut is important. You understand? My rationality makes room for the non-rational. That's very important. It didn't always. It was my error. And that's very, very important. That's why— but I must tell you, though, your gut can be trained, too. Your gut may go after some people and be very mistaken. It may not be your gut. It may be some of the warped psyche from your childhood. A psychiatrist friend of mine tells me one of the most common things is that people marry a spouse, at least in their first marriage, to undo the things that they had in their home. It's very common for a woman to marry a man like her father. If he was cold, she'll marry a cold man. I'll finally get a cold man to love me. See, I'll undo what was wrong at home. Or he will do something similar with regard to choosing a wife. That is why, again, I so advocate that people know themselves and know what makes you tick. Otherwise, we will fall into these terrible traps. And life is very unsparing about some mistakes. That's the killer. That is why I passionately give this course. On the basis of the famous saying, life is not a dress rehearsal. Too bad. This has been Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Visit DennisPrager.com for thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses, and classic radio programs, and to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles.