Ask A Therapist LIVE! FULL EPISODE TWO

As a seven year old having social anxiety, one of the core things that we quickly recognize is that's pretty young to have social anxiety now. Is it is the child more introverted than extroverted? What is the language that the child shows that lets you know that they have social anxiety? And so these are things, excuse me, these are things that you need to observe. So social anxiety is the fear of being with other people. It's the anticipation that people are going to reject me, that I don't fit, that I don't belong. Are there experiences that they've had that escalate that those fears or are there other things going on in the background that we simply don't know? For example, did they have a bad experience at school? Did somebody make fun of them? Did they get bullied? All of these things are relevant in this equation. As we look at social anxiety now, if none of those things are there, then we start to also look at things like in our family, anxiety is something that we can genetically inherit and be passed down from generation to generation. And if you'd like a reference for that, it didn't start with you. Speaks to cellular memories that we can pass down from generation to generation for up to three or four generations. So we have to be clear on it's not one thing that's triggering social anxiety. There are multiple things. But the. Interestingly enough, the solution, which is fascinating to me is a very similar thing. Earlier I started talking about that we're in this fight orf flight response. If we can help our children learn to relax their body in various situations or circumstances, then what's actually happening is they feel more in control of their emotions and their expressions of emotions. So things like a mindful breathing exercise, helping your child with what I would say maybe a play date with those peers with whom they feel safe. All of these things are trying to get your child exposed to other experiences that help combat those fears of being around other people. So a neighbor, a friend, talk with a friend of yours if they have similar children, similar ages. Because what we know is, and this is really interesting research from many, many years ago, we can actually turn our genetics and how they express themselves up or down based upon what we're experiencing. So if I can turn gene expression up or down, they figured this was shyness, that you could turn it up or down. And you can find research on that. Then, then what do we do with anxiety? Can we turn anxiety down by experiencing a connection, meaningful conversations? Now, to parents, this is something that we really want to encourage. We Want to encourage our children to have meaningful conversations with us, asking interesting questions. What did you think about this? Encouraging their feedback. By the way, children, their, their questioning is very common and a seven year old is probably really interested, asking lots of questions. Mom, dad, mom, dad, what about this? Did you know the moon did this? And why does it do that? And why do the stars fall? And why do, and why do, and why do. And what happens is they can overwhelm us because we don't know the answers. But what would happen if we said, okay, we're going to try and experiment, let's go over to our friend and let's use the Internet for our benefit. Why do stars do this? Why does this happen? Now we're spending time with them, they're recognizing their curiosity and their curiosity is beneficial for them. So my long answer to your question is we want to have social experiences. We want to recognize our genetic history. Because if we have anxiety, that doesn't mean that we can't do anything about it. It means that we have to spend a little bit of extra helping our children adjust to their anxious feelings and ways that we do that. Mindfulness exercises. I have children who have had anxiety and it's not uncommon for me to be up by their head and just put my head up there and hum. There's something about the humming that actually sends a message to the ventral vagal vagus inside of all of us, which actually helps us feel relaxed. If you want an experience with that, try the basic exercise. Just type in the vagina basic exercise on Google and you will come up with Stanley Rosenblatt, I think that's his name. And he has a really interesting simple 3 minute exercise that is very helpful in helping reduce anxiety. All right, so those are just a few thoughts that I have on this question, Michelle. If, if they're struggling with peers, I would probably invite a peer over. So go from a group situation to a single situation. And, and the reason why that matters is there's some people who, in a group setting, they shut down because that you typically might have a, I don't know what you want to call a group leader, the one who initiates most of the conversations. What we want to do is we want to take that and find a person where it actually encourages them to be one on one with somebody, which means they're talking more, which means they're understanding more and they're developing a social skill with a one on one relationship. That's a really helpful way to take them out of a group setting. So One on one, hey, let's invite the person who over that you would like to be with the most. Let's have a pizza party at our house. Let's play some fun games and, and, and that. Let's try an experiment just to see how that goes. And, and then what you do is you try to help facilitate that in, in a more meaningful, simple way rather than in a group setting. Sensitivity is an interesting one because sensitivity can have a lot of different connotations. So for example, a child with, say, Asperger's may be sensitive to sight and sound, being overwhelmed in a social setting. So sensitivity in this situation is a little bit different. I would want to know specifically what they're sensitive. Sensitive to peers, sensitive to rejection, sensitive in that context, or sensitive physiologically. Let me address both of those for a second. If it's sensitivity to sight, to sound, then there is a possibility that there is a component of Asperger's. And there is something called the safe and sound protocol that researchers, Dr. Stephen Porges talks about accessing the vagus nerve, which actually helps children with autism. Asperger's. It actually helps with accessing the vagus nerve, which is kind of like the break of the body, if we can just simplify it. And when we're in fight or flight, our body is truly. It's. It's expecting a fight, it's expecting that I need to run. Now, if I can access the ventral vagus or the head heart connection, and if I can help my child feel calm, then what in essence I'm doing is I'm teaching my body how to regulate difficult emotions, which is a skill that as a society we really need to develop. This is everybody or everybody needs to develop their emotional intelligence, their emotional awareness. I am feeling, I'm experiencing. And the ability to articulate that that's what we want to do with our children. So emotional. The ability to be aware of my emotions and to speak to those, articulate them, is really a helpful way. Now, the other part of this is let's say that they are feeling sensitivity in social situations. And I'm reading it that people don't like me. Then as a parent, I might ask a question, because ultimately what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to get my child to talk. I'm trying to get them to open up. So help me understand. You said that nobody likes you. Well, that's an interesting thing when you say that nobody likes you. Why do you think you. Why do you think that way? Help me understand what you're experiencing there. Is there an event or event that make you feel like nobody likes you? Well, yeah, they put up and they tell a story where others made fun of them. All right? And so now I'm helping this child. So are there other people who don't make fun of you? Oh, I guess my friend Tommy or my friend Sarah. Okay, so they don't, but those others do. Well, how about mom and dad? Well, no, you guys don't do that. Okay, so when you're in a situation and there are going to be people who are unkind, they're going to be bullies. I'm going to encourage you to my child, to think about your friend Sarah, how kind she is. And now what we're teaching our child to do is look at an alternative to. To a conclusion that others don't like me. And so that's how I would encourage them to be sensitive, get them to open up, get them to challenge that original thinking by just asking questions, and then continue to reinforce that new experience. Sarah, she does care about you, doesn't she? Oh, yeah, she does. Right. So when you have that experience and you're thinking that nobody likes you, I want you to think about Sarah, your good friend, or think about mom and dad or think about mom, that she loves you. And now you're giving them a way to reframe that original interpretation. Now we're going to go back to the concept of anxiety on this. Michelle, we actually have an answer in parent guidance. I think it would be a good time to introduce them to parent guidance if you would like to do that. But while you're pulling that up, I would just generally say cutting is away. And we now understand enough research to say that it gives people a chemical high. There's a temporary part of. I get a chemical high and intensity that can be emotionally rewarding temporarily. And so when I'm feeling anxious internally inside my body, there are times where people will cut themselves or hurt themselves in some way because they're. They're feeling so much anxiety. That's why it's so critical for us to help us to help our children learn how to regulate difficult emotions. So really good question, because we have a lot of substance use, especially among our older adolescents and then into college. So there's a few things that I would say with alcohol in particular, making good decisions. Sometimes it's a social pressure. Sometimes we people are just, you know, what. It's what their friends are doing and. And it's available. Sometimes it's to escape. So we want to understand really what is our child experiencing? Why are they turning to it? Is there, are they numbing out or are they trying to fit in socially? Maybe it's a little bit of both. But there is an opportunity for us as parents to educate. Uh, and I, I strongly suggest that as parents, we educate ourselves. Now, drinking in and of itself, our society says okay, at a certain age, it's excess, it's okay. It would be really helpful if we actually looked at the statistics of what happens with substance misuse. And when people become dependent upon it, we call it misuse or dependent rather than addiction. Alcohol addiction is usually substance use or, or misuse and dependency. So when we look at those terms, if I'm dependent upon something, it's because I can't stop. Now, again, adolescents, they're trying to fit in. But as a parent, how do I have this conversation? And there's one thing that I would emphasize as parents, we need to prepare to have meaningful conversations with our children. Preparation is really critical. So what would you say if I was to role play with you? What would you say? And this is really what you get from coaching. What would you say if your child says, there's nothing wrong with it, My peers are doing it, mom, dad, what would you say now again, well, it's wrong and it's going to hurt your body and you're going to become an addict? That might be one response. Well, I'm curious. Tell me about alcohol. Tell me what it feels like when you're drinking it. Now, if you yourself drink, then, then you can share your experience. If you don't drink or you've had experiences with it, you can share those experiences. But really what you're doing is you're role playing with your child to help them understand. I'd like you to think about alcohol, or I'd like you to think about vaping, or I'd like you to learn a little bit about it just so you are making an informed decision. Now, if it's illegal, you're underage. That's an important conversation too. Because if it's illegal, my job as a parent is to protect my child. How do I do that? I don't want to be controlling. I want to be loving. But I want to have these conversations. So as parents, we want to have very hard, meaningful conversations with our children. It's not easy. Usually the better our relationship, the more influence we have. If, if, if I could say one thing in this question, it would actually be this. Strengthen your bond with your child so you can have more influence. Rules, relationships, relationships. Always before rules. Focus on the relationship. Then you can have influence with guidance or rules. If you focus just on the rules, we don't do this, we don't do this, we can't do that, you can't do this, you can't do that, you can't do that, and you don't have that relationship. Then your child is going to typically bond with other people first. So we want to create an environment where our children can turn to us, we, where we can have an open conversation, where we can have hard dialogues. If we can't do that, that's where we need to start. And in that relationship, we have found that when parents talk openly, directly about the dangers, they educate, they inform, they show their child that they care. They're more likely to have influence. Show your child that you care first and then you'll have more influence. Let's talk about this. Your child hates school. If I was role playing with you, why do you think they hate school? Do you know? Is it, is it the teacher? Is it their peers? Is it. They don't have friends? Is it too hard? Is it pushing their mind and they just don't like it? What is it about school? So first question. Why doesn't my child want to go to school? Now notice how much preparation I'm actually doing here. I'm asking you to do some legwork. What do you think it is that your child doesn't like about school? And let's say that they don't like the peers. They're too noisy and they, they don't, they're disrespectful to teacher and I don't like that. Or let's say when I go, this certain boy makes fun of me, or there's a group of girls that make fun of me. All right, now I've got something specific. So when you go in situations like that, you feel a new experience. See, now what I'm doing is I'm actually helping my child give a voice to what they're experiencing. So we don't want to intervene or you're just going to go to school without first understanding their fear, their story of why they don't like it. General principle. Understand your child's story before you make recommendations or tell them what they need to do. Help me understand what your concerns are. Walk through me, with me. Now, I'm opening them up. I'm getting them to talk. I'm forming a better relationship. And that is something that is very helpful so we can have Influence. Oh, that's an interesting thing because it's not just about my child, it's about their peers. When somebody says that's not cool and you start looking at some of the research, it's like, hey, that's not cool, right? They, they, they say something. But that's not okay that you say that it's not okay. Simple phrase. But when enough people are saying and observing this hey, that's not cool what you just did, now they're actually getting a social reinforcement that the behavior is not okay. Social reinforcement to negative behavior is one of the best things. Hey, that's not cool. That's not cool. That's not acceptable. So I can do it. It may not stop them, but I know that I'm standing up for myself, which gives me a sense of confidence. Look, you can have your opinion, but it's not cool that you're saying that. And they might continue to make fun of or mock, but if enough people socially are doing that, then we get to a culture where we learn that's not okay behavior. Now more than ever, we need to eradicate bullying. Bullying is so destructive for our overall mental health and well being. So everybody needs to be a part of the solution. Every school, every teacher, every student needs to say, that's not cool. And when we get enough people in our schools doing that, we learn quickly. Look, you don't get away with that here. You know that's not acceptable behavior. Get a school council. Get the students aligned on this issue so we have an environment of safety. Remember, safety is the principle of learning. It's the principle of connection and relationships. And when we don't have that safety, then we are at a risk. We don't want to go to school because it doesn't feel safe, it doesn't feel secure. Our challenge is to create as much safety as possible in our school systems. And that's, that falls on everybody. That's not, that's not just your child. That's everybody. That's peers, that's teachers, that's administration. Everybody needs to have be involved in this conversation. I have suggested in the past to school districts that you have actually have a council that addresses bullying. When they're part of the solution, they, they're more likely to succeed. So get your children involved in bullying program where it's helping eradicate it. It's just too destructive for our mental health. Everybody needs a safe environment to learn in. Okay, so we like to do that, but let's do something together. Let's do the homework at the table. I'll be working on this, you'd be working on that. The general concept is isolation. Yes, I can get my homework done, but in connection with others, it's a better outcome. Right? So hey, we're going to sit at the table, you're going to be working on this, I'm going to be working on that. And it's just a way to get them away from isolation. What we're trying to take away is isolation. It is such a huge problem in our culture today. We can't afford to continue in an isolated state. So yes, we want our children involved, engaged, and in particular, if it's in a social setting or in a public setting, then it's a matter of a mom or dad saying, okay, hey, you're doing great. I can reinforce it. I can't do that if in their bedroom by themselves. Especially as you say, on the weekends. We need to encourage social connectedness. It is absolutely critical for our mental health and our well being. What you're speaking to are many of the symptoms of adhd. Fiddle break things down. So I would ask the first question, does your child have symptoms of adhd hyperactivity or in inattentiveness? Now the fidgeting, that's actually a really good thing. That's actually a good thing if they, if they have adhd. So I would first of all want to rule out adhd. If they don't have adhd, I would be very surprised, but it is possible. So again, I can't diagnose this way. I'm just simply saying, fidgety, taking things apart. It's their way of dealing with their hands. Left, right hemisphere movement. We actually have a class on parent guidance on how to help our children dealing with ADHD symptoms. The reason is because it's very common and it's. The brain is just functioning in a different way. It's not wrong, it's just a little bit different. So your child takes things apart because their mind is working, trying to figure things out. So children with those symptoms do a whole lot better hand, eye coordination. Right, left. They do better with things. Sorry to say this, mom and dad, they do better with skateboarding, they do better with skiing, they do better with what actually recreates. Right. Left hemisphere movement. It's really good for the brain if you want the reference for that. John Ratey, R A T E Y. He wrote a book called Spark. He has a whole chapter in there on the benefits of exercise and ADHD or reducing those symptoms. So that's where I would start Again, I can't diagnose. You might want to do that through a professional in your area. But if those symptoms manifest, your child is inattentive. They don't pay attention. Their mind is racing. They go from one thing to the next thing. Squirrel. They don't finish projects. That's a pretty good indication. Well, the first question is, is, well, there's two parts here. One is, why do you think they don't respect you? What is it that they're doing that doesn't feel respectful? And second, are there. Is there a history with your child that makes them not respect you? Now, let me give an example of that. Sometimes people stay in environments or situations where their child doesn't respect them. Sometimes they're engaging in behaviors that their child doesn't respect them. So that's the first question, is, am I doing something that my child doesn't respect? Do we have a history of things in our relationship that they've lost respect with me? So those are a couple of questions. They're not easy to answer, but they are important to consider. Next in this situation, I'm going to go back to what I said earlier. Love. Love is powerful. Acknowledge your fault if you've done something wrong in the past. If you've done something that has damaged the relationship, make sure that you're not afraid to say, I did that wrong. There's something powerful as parents to say, that was wrong. I did that wrong. And so if you don't feel like your child is respecting you, go to the relationship before the rules. I find in many cases, parents go to rules before the relationship and their child doesn't respect them because they don't feel connected to with the parent. It's really hard to have influence on anybody if they don't respect us. The way they respect us is to acknowledge our mistakes, to own our mistakes, to let them know that we care about them, to let them know that we're imperfect. And that is something as parents, for some reason, we think we have to, hey, I'm. I'm a perfect parent, or I'm a good parent. I'm. Whatever it is. We, we. It's okay to say I don't know the answer. It's okay to say I'm learning. It's okay to say that was a mistake. That's a great model for our children to observe. It's a good question. Some programs, like Circles, they can actually. You can put it on your router and then it will actually shut things off. It will monitor things. So that's Just one example, but I would do a little bit of research to see which one fits best with you. But you can actually turn off apps and devices and on smartphones at certain times. But I. I can't tell you specifically primarily because I don't know your area, I don't know your situation, but I would certainly, I would go to Google, I type in your question that you have, and I'd look at different options, and then I'd make an informed choice based upon that. If you spend 30 minutes to an hour, you'll come up with a pretty good conclusion. This is so common in today's culture because we live in a society where the expectations are off the charts. It happens in school, academic, academics, it happens in sports. And I think there's a great lesson that we can learn as a society. There will always be somebody better than us. There will always be a Michael Jordan on the basketball court. There will always be a Shohante, however we say his name, the baseball player that's just playing for the Dodgers. There will always be somebody who is. Is. Is more skilled, that has more talent. So what is enough for you? And I asked the question because that's an interesting question for us to pose. How will you know that it's enough? Because the concept of perfectionism is a dangerous place. It's dangerous because we can't be perfect. We can't always be the best. But what is that good enough for you? I put my heart into it. I worked hard. I was diligent. There's something that Carol Dweck, she wrote a book called Mindset. Really good book. And in her book Mindset, she talks about the idea of a growth mindset versus a fixed or closed mindset. Now, a growth mindset is I. If I work hard, I will achieve. If I work hard, I'll figure out the solution. If I work hard. Notice that if I work hard, it's built upon this premise of I'm doing something. I'm working towards this. The ultimate part of that is, is I want them to know that I'm working on something. Contrast that with a fixed mindset. I'm working hard, and I don't get the. I got an 88 instead of a 94 like my peers. I must be stupid. You got an 88. That's incredible. That's good. You were. And I noticed how hard you worked. I'm way proud of you. That's the kind of mindset that we want to have as parents. So we want to teach our children. Effort is what I'M worried about, I'm concerned about if we put in effort. I don't care what your grades are. Now does that sound strange? If you put in your best effort, that's enough. The message is you are enough. You're trying. You had a hard week. It was hard to try. That's okay. Let's pick ourselves up, let's keep working. Because what we know is if we put in effort, we eventually get outcomes. And that's just a reality in life. If you put in the effort, you get positive outcomes. It's not always great because we have to teach our children. Sometimes we suck, sometimes we don't do it right, sometimes we fail, sometimes we don't succeed. And helping our children adjust to the times that we don't do our best or it doesn't work out the best. That kind of flexibility is way better for our mental health than rigidity. So I'm trying to teach my child flexibility rather than rigidity. It needs to be this way. It needs to be this way. Siblings often compare themselves. We want to take away comparisons, we want to take out the concept of comparisons. And we want to put it in. We're working hard, we're doing the best we can. So there's a question with that. Where does guilt and shame come from? Because I'm going to, I'll separate them out in a second. Guilt can actually be healthy for us. Shame is a conclusion. I'm bad, I'm not enough. I'm a failure. So we have to separate guilt and shame out. They're not, they're not the same construct. In research, guilt actually helps us change because it's like I did something wrong. I need to improve upon that. Shame is, I am a failure. I'm not enough. I let everybody down. Shame is an internalization of a negative concept. I am not enough. I am unlovable. Shame is very destructive to our well being. It's not healthy for us. And once it sets in, shame is a little bit more difficult because let me put it in a different context. I believe that we are all born with high self worth. I believe that our children come with this innate knowledge that they're good, this innateness. They're, they're, they're, they're wonderful, they're beautiful. Then we have life experiences, whatever age, being bullied, not doing as well as our peers. And something happens where we begin to question ourselves. Shame is a conclusion that I don't fit and I don't belong. There's a book titled Treating Chronic Shame and in the book the author talks about. This concept of shame is always relational. Always. When I feel shame, I don't connect socially. I don't feel like I'm acceptable. So I hold back from other people. What we want to help our children do is challenge that shame filled belief and help them understand. Going back to Carol D's work, when we work, we get positive outcomes. We're not going to do it perfectly, but when they've internalized a negative core belief, what we want to do is help them challenge that by getting to a truth. You know, I want you to know that you're of you matter, I love you, you're important. And the idea that you're not as good as or you're not as smart as. I want you to know that. You may feel that way, but when it happens, when you're feeling that way, I'd invite you to think about it in another way. Are you working hard? Could you work harder? Yes. Okay, I can work harder. Great. But your worth is never contingent upon outcomes. If it was, then we would all be in trouble. Your worth is never dependent upon a specific outcome. If that was the case, then every one of us would feel absolutely like we're a failure because every one of us makes mistakes. Every one of us. We just aren't perfect. So I would actually encourage this mother to go to our online course that's in the parent guidance and it's on developmental stages as our children begin to leave the nest and go into college. So I would encourage them to go to that resource. But that part of it, it's really important to understand the child's not motivated. And the question is, is why do I not feel like I can succeed? Am I dealing with chronic depression? If so, then there's some things that we want to do. And this is going to be. Sounds simplistic, but if I asked you, how well is your child sleeping, how much exercise are they getting and how healthy is their diet? I'm a way better therapist when my clients are eating well, exercising and getting adequate sleep. So motivation does not come when my body's exhausted and tired. An adolescent from 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, they generally need about eight to nine hours of sleep. So if they're not getting that kind of sleep, their motivation, they're lethargic, they're groggy, their motivation's low. So we have to have a starting point of getting them into those routines that are actually healthy. If you want a healthy routine, then, then that is what we try to encourage as parents. So we encourage them to put their phones and I, I often tell my children your, your phones sleep outside of your room. Your phones don't sleep in your room. And so Darcy, that reference is a, if you go to the online, to our online courses, we have a developmental stage and it goes from birth and it goes through adolescent or through the early elementary years and it goes all the way up into as they're getting ready to launch and you'll find that at parent guidance anyway, so it's, it's, it's just one of those resources. Well, thank you, Michelle. Your child's emotional development from 19 to 22. So this is a little bit complex because he probably feels, if you were a parent, if you were to write down, and here's my suggestion to you, I want you to put yourself into your child's shoes. Now this isn't easy but I want you to imagine that you're your 10 year old. I want you to think about his fears, I want you to think about his concerns. I want you to feel, feel, just feel what it's like being him, this new person in your life. While you're feeling excitement and hope. My guess is he's probably feeling, or your 10 year old's feeling like they're being replaced, that you're not going to love them anymore. Now I might be wrong with that but the question you really want to ask is what is my child experiencing? And then it's not just enough to write it down. I'm talking about mental preparation. How would I communicate with my 10 year old and say, hey, I'm curious with this new person in our lives, what are some of your biggest concerns or what are some of your biggest fears? I was thinking about it and I wondered if you felt this way, am I off? I was wondering if you felt that way, am I off? And see what you're doing is you're actually having empathy, trying to put yourself into your child's shoes, which is a really healthy thing to do as a parent. So think about your child, think about their needs, think about their concerns, write it down and talk with them. You love your child, your 10 year old probably more than anything. That's why you're here, that's why you're asking. So letting your 10 year old know you're not going away, if anything you want to enhance their life by having a person in their life that can care for them. Now really important here, this new person in your life needs to know their role is not to parent. Their role is to create a safe environment. For your 10 year old. The moment your boyfriend starts to take on a role of a dad by correcting their child, the child will turn away. Your job is the primary caregiver is to discipline, not your boyfriend, over and over and over. If you want to turn your child away from them, they come in and they step in. The only way that a child responds to that is if they feel trust first, they feel safe with your boyfriend. That's the paramount thing that you need to do with your child. You need to create safety. You're doing that empathic part of it. I suggested earlier, your boyfriend understands his role is to sit back and let you do the disciplining. He might not like it, but that's his role. If he does it prematurely, you can actually lose respect from your child. And then you have conflict between choosing your son or Your daughter, your 10 year old, and your boyfriend.