Dr. Kevin Skinner answers a parent's question about a teenage son who has isolated himself and shown disrespect. He recommends exploring underlying causes (anger, shame, possible secretive behaviors), prioritizing understanding over immediate discipline, and using gentle, curiosity-driven invitations and shared activities to reconnect.
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Skinner. Hi, I'm Dr. Kevin Skinner and want to thank you for taking time to ask your question here on Parent Guidance. Your question, what to do if your teenage son won't even talk to you or his therapist? He has isolated himself from the rest of the family, shown a lot of disrespect. Well, typically when we look at a case like this, the first thing we start with is, all right, so he's not willing to talk to you, to anybody else. So what we first think about is, is their anger. Where is the anger coming from? Usually when we see emotions of isolation, anger, they're pulling away for a reason. It might be shame based. Are they, is he connecting with anybody? Does he have friends? Those are important questions to consider as you look at how you're going to respond. Because right now your child is, so to speak, using silence to control the environment. And as a parent, we want to address the disrespect, but that's not the priority in the beginning. The first part of it is to understand the why. What is triggering or what has triggered the, this isolation from the rest of the family. Is he spending more time on games, his phone, with friends? How is he spending his current time? Let's just take this down two channels. Let's say he's just spending time alone. Well, I would wonder what he's doing with his time alone. Is it video gaming, is it violent video gaming? Is it pornography or other sexual things that he's engaged in and he's embarrassed or ashamed to be around the family? Now, I don't know if these are the things that are going on, but these are the types of questions I would want to be asking. Because right now he's so isolated, not wanting to talk. Why would he not want to talk? Usually it's something that he feels ashamed of. So now we transfer that into the anger, the disrespect. Now why is there the disrespect? Why is he angry? Now these are the types of questions I invite you as a parent to consider as you think about how you're going to help your son. Most important, your son needs to know that you still care and that you're looking for a connection. So now we're looking at the solution and that is going to be related to you. Nurturing, connecting with, trying to connect in a loving and kind way. Now, you can't force your child to come towards you. That's going to be done through action, through maybe playing, going for a walk, taking him to the ice cream store, whatever it is to just spend some time with him. And you might approach it from a curiosity. You know, I've noticed that recently, you don't want to talk with me, you don't want to talk with the family. What. What's going on in your life. I don't want to talk about it, he might say, but I do because I care. And I miss you. Now, notice, there's the invitation, there's the bid. Attempt for connection. Right? I miss you. I miss connecting. What's happening in your life. Are you doing okay? It doesn't feel that way. That's the kind of conversation I would have with my son. Your situation. Something is going on, and the challenge is to find out what it is. Now we talk about the disrespect. It seems like recently you've been disrespective, disrespecting the family. Me, I wonder what you're angry at. Have I done something that bothers you? These are the types of conversations I would want to have with you, your son. I wouldn't ignore it. I really appreciate you reaching out. This is a very important question, and I wish you and your son the best and the rest of the family as you go through this time. Take care and thanks for your question.
