Dr. Kevin Skinner (Parent Guidance) responds to a parent's question about their 17‑year‑old son who appears enmeshed in a codependent romantic relationship (first girlfriend, together ~1.5 years, together ~5+ hours/day and texting rest of the day). Skinner describes the relationship as emotionally intense—comparing codependency to addiction—and notes anxiety and panic attacks when apart, potential challenges when the teen leaves for college, and probable sexual activity (parents provided condoms). He recommends open, nonjudgmental conversations aimed at understanding the teen, assessing what influence the parent realistically has, and focusing on harm-reduction and supportive communication rather than trying to control the relationship.
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Hey, thank you for asking your question. Here at Parent Guidance, we appreciate you taking the time to ask your question. You've got two questions here. I'm going to do my very best to answer them. The first part of it, you've got a 17 year old son. He's in a, as you say, a codependent relationship. She's his first girlfriend and they have been together for a year and a half. They spend time together at least five hours a day and the rest of the day they text each other. He gets very anxious when they're not going to see each other. For example, our last family vacation, he was upset the whole trip and making me feel guilty for taking him away. And then you talk about when they fight, he suffers a lot, gets panic attacks. You're talking about an emotional connection that's pretty deep and profound for him. And that's where he feels that he's getting that nurturance, that he's getting that connection. And when he doesn't have it, we, metaphorically we would say that codependency feels a lot like addiction. It feels like I have to have this. I need you. I need you. I need you. And then you talk about being concerned that when he goes to college that, and he goes away, that he won't be able to perform because of the relationship. Now I think this is a very fair question in terms of what do I do? And I think want to answer that question by asking a question. Your main concern is that connection to her and the dependency upon that relationship. Can you talk with him? Will he open up to you? Because what you're observing would be a very keen thing that you might want to talk about with him. For me personally that would be what I would want to do with my child is talk about the nature of that relationship. And, and later on you ask a second question is about, okay, they started cuddling in his bed and now it's more intimate. You provided condoms and, and at this point you're saying, do I go back? What do I do? Well, I think in reality it's already, they're, they're already engaging probably in sexual relations. Now the question is, is how do I talk with my child about it? How do I have an open relationship? We know from Dr. Daniel Amond's work that anytime we're sexually intimate with another person, we create a chemical connection between us. So in this context I'm going to say your son has got a chemical bond with this, this girl and emotionally, that is, so to speak, his deeper connection. So My, my biggest concern or question for you is how to approach this in a way that he might hear your concern. Obviously you guys are talking. If you've provided condoms, I mean, you've basically moved forward in this saying, I don't know what else to do, trying to reel it back in, probably not going to be effective. Nevertheless, I think it is important for you to consider what message you want to send your son. What are your deeper concerns and is there a way to present those concerns in a way that doesn't make him feel threatened because he already has a deep alliance with his girlfriend. The question we ask, and he's 17, can I have influence? Is a question you probably need to have. Can I, I mean, am I likely going to stop them from fighting or arguing or for that matter having sex? Most likely not. They're, they're deeply enmeshed or right in this relationship. And that connection that they're having, it sounds like it's sometimes fighting and arguing. I guess there's parts of this that you may not be able to get at, but I wonder what they're fighting about. Jealousy, Their sexuality? Or is it something else? So as a parent, there's questions that I would have here that I would want to get deeper into by asking questions and seeing if you can get your son to open up to you to share some of the things that are going on. That's how I would approach it. I don't think that you're going to get a whole lot of information if you try to insert, you need to do this, you need to do that, you need to do that. A 17 year old who's getting ready to go to college most likely is not going to let you have that kind of influence, especially if they feel a deeper bond or connection with their girlfriend at this point. Again, I often say, can you have influence with your child? If so, then, then these kind of conversations, you're going to be much more effective. So yes, we want to have as much conversation as possible. And that's something that I would really want to do is, you know, I care about you, I love you, I'd love to have a conversation with you, but I don't know how to say these things. This is new to me. I don't know if I've even done it right. And I would approach it from more of a, I'm seeking to understand, I want to understand you and then hopefully you can have some influence. Anyway, thank you for your question. Here at Parent guidance, this is Dr. Skinner. I wish you and your son. The very best. Take care.
