021: Accepting the Body You Live In | Marla Mervis

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Hi there, I'm Dr. Zoe, and you are a woman who is strong and capable. I will remind you of that or something similar at the beginning of every show, because I know that we all need to be reminded. You need to take that torch though. It's your torch, because you talk to yourself much more than I talk to you or anybody else does, and your words are powerful. If you're listening for the first time, welcome. My show is a live radio show that I also podcast. If you're a woman, you've come to the right place. I'm a licensed psychotherapist and life and relationship coach. I believe that every woman has a superpower, and my passion is to help you find it, embrace it, and share it with the world. I love connecting with you ladies on social media and out there in the world, and you can connect with me by texting the word join to 387— 38470. That's the word join to 38470. I always get that one wrong. So, okay, I've had a really tough week. And why? Because I am writing a book and it's kicking my butt. And it's stretching me. It's a good stretch, but it's definitely a stretch and it hurts. And I'm going to be talking to you ladies about it in real talk after our guest interview about stretching yourself. So stay tuned to the end. And today we have a great guest and a super important topic. Accepting the body that you live in right now. Good one. Not the one we used to live in, not your dream body. This one right here. Yes. So I want everybody to look down at your body. I don't care if you're driving; you can glance down that one. That's the one that we are working on accepting today. And my guest is Marla Mervis Hartman. She's the creator of Love Your Body, Love Yourself dot org. She's a TEDx speaker. which means she's also a sought-after speaker. She's a Reiki master, and she's a mama and a wife. She has her own journey, and she gives women permission to love their bodies. Welcome, Marla.

Thank you. So good to be here.

Thank you. It looks like there might be a couple-second delay, but I'm so glad to have you. Can you tell us a little bit about your journey? I heard it all already because I watched her TEDx, which is really cool. You guys can Google it, Marla Mervis Hartman TEDx. A really great story. So can you tell us a little bit about it?

Yeah. You know, my journey with my food and my body started very, very young. I'm not going to give you the whole story because we'll be here all day. Right. Started very, very young with really having a lot of attention on my body at a very young age. I was a very curvy little girl and people used to make comments to me and I got the idea that my body was

Hmm.

And that my body made other people happy and my body gave me attention. So I had this like idea of that. And then as I got older, I also had the idea that I couldn't be too perfect. I was a leader and I was pretty confident. I couldn't be too perfect either because then people didn't like me. So it was like this journey. Okay. And I just remember being like in 7th grade being like, I don't know what I'm doing. Who am I? Right? In those moments was very much the moment where I chose food as my way of coping.

Mm-hmm.

And then over the years of, you know, overeating, undereating, getting a lot of information from society around my body, I also chose to be an actor and a dancer. So I was, you know, in that world, which also said that you have to look a certain way in order to be successful. Absolutely. So I got all these ideas and I really created such a case around myself that in order for me to be happy and to be loved, I need to figure out this body thing. I need to get it thin and I need my food perfect. And then once I figured that out, then my life is going to be perfect. Then I'm going to figure it out. Right. And then the wake-up call of like, well, that didn't work. Losing all the weight. having the food be perfect and then like white-knuckling my life, white-knuckling like everything, right? And within that wake-up call, it brought a huge journey of learning how to be with food, love my body, take care of myself. And I really learned along the way a lot of tools, and yet I still never really completely surrendered To what I looked like. I never really said, I accept myself right now.

Hmm. I loved what you said when you did your TED Talk, that you got to that weight when you saw that number on the scale, right? And then you realize, wait, this is the weight that I'm supposed to be happy. This is the weight that I've always dreamed of. And it didn't do it.

Did not do it. And when my food would be perfect, right, it still wasn't doing it because then I was in fear of what would happen when I had Had a meal that was a little bit bigger than normal, right? And so for me, you know, it was really about trusting myself and turning my body and my food over to my highest self. I call that God, turning that over to God. And when I finally did that, and it took so long, is when I finally was free of all the obsession. I was finally free of Worrying about my body, worrying about the food. I began to eat foods I hadn't eaten in years and years, and my body was fine.

Wow.

At that point, my body— I'd lost weight. It was almost like the universe was telling me, see, I told you, you're good. Just eat. Just love yourself.

Right?

And I love what you said, and we can hopefully dive deeper into this around speaking to ourselves. It was the feeling that if I was kind to myself, if I was nice to myself, then I would overeat. It was like keeping myself on track by like getting the whip out. Right?

Right.

The other way around.

Yes. No, that makes a lot of sense. And I don't know if you listeners heard because there was a little glitch, but she was talking about the way that she speaks to herself and being kind and not speaking to herself in a mean way, not putting herself down. Wonderful story. And you are not alone, which is why I really wanted to address this today because 91% of women don't like their bodies. Don't ask me where I got that because I don't remember, but I'm sure it's right. What'd you say? From you? Okay. It was probably from your website. Yeah. 91% of women don't like their bodies. And these are the bodies that carry us through our life. And if you were living in your container, in your body that you don't love, how can it be a good life? Right. So that's why I wanted to have this conversation. So you were talking about, of course, you being in the entertainment industry, that's like magnified a million times. But society in general, we all know thin is the ideal. Girls get that message from 2 years old on up, right? And so how do we deal with that message that we're continuing to hear every single day as we're trying to love this body right here, right now?

Yes. Well, we need to call— can I swear?

It's okay. Yes.

We need to call bullshit on it.

Yeah.

We need to, like, stand up and say, actually, like, what I'm seeing from society, the messages that I'm given, what I'm seeing on TV, what I'm hearing is actually not true.

Right. We do. I think

more people that are really being abating the truth that thin is not ideal, that we can love and appreciate and celebrate all bodies. Right. So it's really about creating that different message and turning ourselves off of social media sites that don't make us feel good. Absolutely. Not picking the magazines that are all about weight and dieting. Well, here's the thing that— It's really a personal choice.

It is a personal choice. Absolutely. And it's one that we have to continue to make every single day, because we have some society bombarding us with different messages. But here's the thing that always strikes me. It's women who are judging more than men. Because when I see men in my practice, and they talk about their wives, and they talk about their girlfriends, they are always saying, she's beautiful. I love her body. I wish she didn't hate it. I love her curves. And so it seems that it's the women that are judging more than the men. And we're, we're creating this ideal that's based on, you know, some other woman. And yet we're trying to look good often for our partner. Right?

Right. And this is such a huge subject. I hear what you're saying. And I have so much to say about it. I feel like as women, we are perpetuating it.

Yes,

we're perpetuating it. We're talking, we get together and we talk about our bodies. Yes. And that really needs to stop, right? We need to start talking about our bodies in communication with each other. We're powerful beings. We can find something else to talk about.

Good point.

Better use of our time.

Yes, absolutely.

You know, one thing that really was super powerful for me in my journey is when I was first dating my husband, He's a really good-looking man. Like, he's a specimen. Like, his body is, like, incredible.

Wow.

I just want to let you know, like, what kind of man he is, right? And when I was dating him, I was under this impression that all men wanted women thin. And here's this really good-looking hot guy, so he obviously is going to want me to be thin. And so I'm probably not thin enough. And I remember he put his arm around me and he grabbed my ribs And he pulled on my flesh and he goes, oh, that feels so good.

You

didn't have that before.

Oh.

And my mind went, oh my God, is he telling me that

I

gained weight?

You didn't even hear the that looked good part.

Right. And that felt good. He likes it.

Oh my God.

And I didn't know what to do with that information. I didn't know how to even digest that it was okay and he actually would like a body with more flesh on it.

And

it really began to shift something. It was like the blueprint that was given to me about my body isn't good enough, it's not thin enough, and men want thin bodies got completely shifted in that moment.

Wow.

Yeah. You know, one of the things that I share with, with women as a tool to create more acceptance in their body is to celebrate other women's bodies.

Oh, I love that.

And when I started to do that, what it started to do for me is that it started to get me out of the comparing myself of others.

And

am I fit as she is? She bigger than me? Like, you know, because I used to be crazy in that way. And I got to be like, oh, wow, look at her body. Wow, she's rocking it in that shirt with her belly hanging out, right? Wow. Like, look at the women that I love in my life and all the different sizes that they are, and really honoring and celebrating. And what that does is it creates peace.

Mm-hmm.

It created peace for me, and it creates peace in your, in your own self. And then it kind of sends this ripple out into the world that all bodies are supposed to be celebrated rather than just the ones that we're told are the ideal.

You know, I think that's a really good point. And I'm just thinking about putting it into practice. Because I think that that's one of those tricky ones where if you're starting to look at other women's bodies and celebrating it, that you have to be careful that you're not comparing. And so if you say something to yourself, like, she is beautiful, I am beautiful, right? Making sure that you're recognizing that that is beautiful. And this is beautiful as well. And, you know, I do that all the time. I'm always complimenting other women because I, I think women's bodies are just amazing and beautiful, all shapes and sizes. I love seeing a beautiful woman and I will always say something to, you know, to her or any woman. If I see something that really just strikes me, I'll be like, oh my goodness, that is gorgeous, or your teeth are beautiful or something. And women sometimes look at me like, okay. But it's true. It's really true. And it doesn't have to be a comparison, but it can be a she is beautiful. And I am beautiful.

Yes, that is so good. I'm glad that you added that to that because, yeah, often when it's not a celebration of other women, it comes from a place of judgment. When we're celebrating other women, we are like opening our hearts, right?

Right.

And we're not, we're not comparing and contracting our heart. We're opening our heart and acknowledging that all women have some vulnerability about their bodies.

Yes.

And that's important to me too.

All women do. It's every single woman, no matter how beautiful they are, no matter how perfect they seem on the outside. Everyone has that vulnerability, and we've got to get rid of it. We've got to just let it go. But it's something that we do all struggle with. So we are talking with Marla Mervis Hartman. This is Dr. Zoe, and we will be back talking more about loving your body. See you in a second. People ask me, how do you have so much energy? I am not a coffee drinker, but I love the benefits of matcha green tea. More antioxidants than coffee and a smooth energy, not the jittery kind, that lasts me all day long. Perfect for you super moms too. I have searched the world over for that perfect matcha for my smoothies, and I have found it at Kiss Me Organics. You can get it too at kissmeorganics.com. Enter the promo code DRZOE, D-R-Z-O-E, for 10% off and free shipping. Experience the smooth, healthy, organic energy of matcha green tea. kissmeorganics.com. Hi guys, it's Dr. Zoe. We are back with my guest Marla Mervis Hartman, and we are talking about loving Your Body. We were just talking about kind of celebrating other women and celebrating ourselves by saying, she is beautiful, I am beautiful. I just love that. It's just so— what is it— empowering, I guess. So, Marla, how can people get a hold of you?

Oh yes, you can check out my website, which is loveyourbodyloveyourself.com, and you can find Love Your Body Love Yourself on Facebook. And you can find me on Instagram.

Awesome. And do you work with people as a coach or mainly just—

I do.

Oh, awesome.

I work with people as a coach, one-on-one. I have a group program coming up in the beginning of 2018 called The Pleasure Plan. And then I do speaking and workshops.

Great, great. And you guys can check out her TEDx talk and you can also just check out her website and you can Get all the information from there. So I wanted to talk a little bit more about— well, actually, I wanted to talk about the non-diet because you started out with talking about your journey and saying that you actually kind of stopped dieting, correct?

Yes.

Okay. And so would you say that you still do that? Is that a journey or have things changed or how is that working in your life?

I'll address that in a moment. So the thing is that We are in a diet culture. Yep. And we are told that we're supposed to watch our weight and diet. And, and it all goes back to this idea that we're supposed to be thinner and our body isn't good enough the way it is. Also, we're told that, um, thinner means that you're healthier. Thinner means you have more control. Thinner means you're gonna get more respect.

Right.

And when we look at it, you know, there's a great book, Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon. And she, uh, it's a research-based book where she busts the myths on the idea that being thinner means that you're healthier. And she goes deep into different ways that having extra weight on you is actually healthier for you. Interesting. With illness, with age, with like so many things. And it's so crazy because we're getting such mis— wrong information.

Misinformation. Uh-huh.

Yeah, misinformation. We're really brainwashed into believing that we're supposed to be controlling our diet, we're supposed to be controlling our weight. And so when people say, I want to lose weight, I'm like, well, why do you? They're like, well, how can I be body positive and still want to lose weight? I'm like, well, why do you want to lose weight? Right. Do you feel like you're not enough right now? And so the truth is, is that diets actually don't work. And we know this. We're told this also, that most people who go on a diet will then gain that weight back and then some.

Correct.

But what happens is we are told that everyone else can figure it out and we can't figure it out. So then there's this shame. There's this shame that's put in that I can't figure out my food. I can't do a diet. I'm not good at this. Oh, so then let's try another diet. Maybe it's that diet. That's the reason it's a $60 billion industry, is because it doesn't work, right? If it worked, then we wouldn't have to try the other diets. Right? I

mean, absolutely. And people are seeing it as a temporary thing also, like, I'll go on this diet for 60 days, or I'll be this crazy restrictive for this amount of time. And then when that time is up, because it's not a lifestyle that you can maintain, then you just go right back, right? And then you have the emotional component, and you're feeling bad about yourself. And so diets, yes, in and of themselves don't work. And it's really good that you said that, because I struggle With the idea of, am I doing this for vanity or am I doing this for health? Because I am kind of what people would consider, you know, a health nut. I work out a lot. I lift weights. I run. You know, I'm very careful about my—I hate to say diet in the terms of restrictive—but diet in the terms of my lifestyle of eating. And I'm always questioning myself: Is this about health or is this about vanity? So that's very good that you brought that up because I think it's. There's that balance, you know?

Well, there is, and that's a good thing. So let me just address this and then I— see, what happens when we're dieting is that we are restricting,

right?

So we're restricting, we're restricting, and then the body— we white-knuckle it, we use willpower, and then the body fights that

and

then begins maybe the binge cycle then. So there's the restriction, there's the bingeing, there's the shame. And then they'd start the whole cycle all over again, which is why diets don't work. And what I share with people is that if you want to change something about the way that you're eating, it has to go above and beyond losing weight.

Hmm.

So if you want to be in a body that's fit, you're not gonna get out of bed to do that it's just about losing weight. What can get you out of bed is like, oh, I want to be in a body that I can run around with my grandkids. I want to have a body that is healthy and that I feel good because I know when I wake up and I exercise that I feel confident. There's breath in my body and I feel alive and connected to myself. Right? Right. The same thing with, like, for me in my journey, I was very much addicted to chocolate and sweets, and physically, but more mentally, like, they really messed up my brain. Like, it was all about, like, when I'm gonna get my chocolate, how much of it I'm gonna eat, how I'm gonna get rid of it, like, how I'm going to do that. And for about 8 years of my life, I did not eat chocolate or sugar.

Wow. Chocolate or sugar. Okay.

The only reason I was able to do that is because it gave me my life back. Hmm. It gave me something that I didn't— I didn't have the craziness in my head anymore. I wasn't fighting myself. Like, it was so important. Now, previously, I had tried to give up chocolate and sugar and sweets, but I would just give it up and then I would binge as much as I could, you know? I would do Lent. Yes. Give something up. So you give something up during, like, before Easter, and then I would just, like, completely gorge myself and make myself sick.

But it wasn't about the health part for you. It was really about just trying to lose weight. Right. So

for you, you're saying motivation, weight, and because I was so obsessed with it that I wanted to not have it for a little while, which was great, but then I was just You know, can't wait to have it again. So really, it is finding a deeper reason. Like, it's true, when you're healthier, you eat healthy foods, you exercise, chances are your body's going to feel better to you. It's going to feel good to you. And the truth is, is that you and I could eat the same thing, Zoe, and we could have completely different experiences.

That is so true.

You know, there are women that are Full-figured women who, you know, eat as much as someone who's very petite, who exercises the same. We— our bodies, they know. Yeah, they want to be a certain weight.

You're right. They were designed to be a certain shape, size. You're so right about that. You were right. And I think that it does come down to knowing your body because, like you said, you and I could eat the same thing and our body could process it totally different. And something that's good for me Can cause inflammation in you. And so you do have to really be in that process of checking when you're eating something. How does it make me feel? I know for me, I have to avoid grains because it— I'd probably be crippled by arthritis if I kept eating dairy and grains because of the way that it affects my body. But somebody else is totally different. They can eat wheat and grains all day long and it doesn't affect them. So yes, you're right. You do have to know yourself.

Yeah. And I want to share an experience. I just made a video about this that I'm going to post in a week or so. And when I started, when I was like, good, right? I had surrendered my body, my food. I was free. I was good. A couple of years in and I'm like, I'm going to diet.

Hmm.

I'm like, let's just diet and see what happens. I'm not going to tell anyone, right? I'm just going to like, I'm just going to watch it a little bit more carefully. I'm not going to eat certain things, right? Oh my gosh, that obsession, that craziness came back in like a snap of my fingers.

Wow.

I was starting to sneak food. I'm like, who am I like sneaking from? No one cares.

No one even knows.

All of these behaviors. I didn't let all of them come back full. As soon as I felt that, I'm like, oh, this doesn't Mm-hmm. And it was a really good experiment. I'm actually really glad that I did that because I got to experience it in my body and fully be able to say that dieting makes you crazy.

Right. You reconfirmed for you what you already knew. And that's what's so important is to check, double-check, and you have to do you, right? Everybody has to do you. So I wanted to talk a little bit about your TEDx talk, and you talked about the key components to loving yourself. And we will do that in just a minute because my producer is telling me we have to go on break. Before we go on break, can you just remind my listeners of your website again and where they can reach you?

Yes, you can find me at loveyourbodyloveyourself.com. There's a free yummy gift on there if you want to check it out.

Oh, yay. Thank you. Okay, so this is the Dr. Zoe Show. We were talking with Marla Mervis about our bodies, our bodies, our bodies, which we should love. We will be back in just a minute. People ask me, how do you have so much energy? I am not a coffee drinker, but I love the benefits of matcha green tea. More antioxidants than coffee and a smooth energy, not the jittery kind, that lasts me all day long. Perfect for you super moms too. I have searched the world over for that perfect matcha for my smoothies, and I have I found it at Kiss Me Organics. You can get it too at kissmeorganics.com. Enter the promo code DRZOE, D-R-Z-O-E, for 10% off and free shipping. Experience the smooth, healthy, organic energy of matcha green tea. kissmeorganics.com. Hi guys, it's Dr. Zoe. We are back with Marla Mervis Hartman. Talking about loving our bodies. I want to get into talking about helping our kids be body positive. But before that, we're going to just finish off a little bit with, with our bodies. And Marla, can you share with us some of the components that you shared in your TEDx talk, the secrets to loving your body?

Yeah. So what I'm very excited about sharing with women, with men, is the idea that pleasure Can help us to heal our relationship with our food, our exercise, with self-talk. So what we're given is this idea of no pain, no gain, and we have to work really, really hard in order to have the body that we want, that we have to work really hard in order to have the job that we want, the career, all these things, and that leaves very little space for pleasure.

And so

I'm not talking about pleasure like as in like. Instant gratification. Really, we're talking about the space inside of our bodies that lets us know that we're on the right track. So it's that, oh, wow, like, my food actually can taste good, right? Right. So bringing pleasure into your food is like eating foods that make you feel good, right? Like you were talking about, you don't eat grains because it doesn't make you feel good, right? Slowing down to enjoy food, right? That's a way to bring pleasure into your relationship with food. Bringing pleasure into your relationship with movement can look like finding the right exercise that is good for your body type.

Such a good point.

And even, like, as women, like, finding the right exercise that brings pleasure in your cycle, in your moon cycle. There's different exercises we need to do if we're depending on where we are in the cycle. That's Another way of looking at how can I bring pleasure in and working with the body rather than working against that, like white knuckling. And then how are we talking to ourselves? So is it a pleasurable, is it a pleasurable relationship you're having with yourself?

Right.

Or is it one of pain? And that's a big piece of really acknowledging that and really working on that.

Yeah. The self-talk is huge. And often I will just say, how would you Speak to a friend? What would you tell your friend if she was feeling that or thinking that about herself? And if you can start really working on speaking to yourself as if you were your friend, it makes a big difference because we often treat other people better than we treat ourselves. So yes, that self-talk is so important. And I loved what you said, because when you first started talking about self-pleasure and that kind of feeling, I think about taking a, you know, hot bath, which is a Rare thing, you know, that I do, and probably most women who are super busy, it's like, okay, let's take a few minutes and actually sit and soak in a tub. Feels so good. But that's, you know, that's self-pleasure. But then I also thought about what you said with exercise, that you have, just like with food and whatever type of lifestyle, food lifestyle you have, it has to be something that works for you. And so for exercise, you know, for me, I can go out and run or I can go sprint. Somebody else, you know what, it's yoga, or it's Pilates, or it's taking a walk around their neighborhood, or it's something very different, because everybody is different. And so when you talk about that, and then also your cycles, I love that because I have things like planned out, like these are the workouts I'm going to do this week. But I do give myself grace where if I wake up and I think, you know what, I don't feel like doing that intense workout, my body wants to stretch, I'm going to do yoga. Giving yourself that permission, and it feels so good afterwards when you do what your body tells you instead of that should. We all know about shoulds, right?

Right. And what you said here is really important. You didn't say it, but you said it, is that you are listening.

Yes,

you actually have a— you have a breath and you have a connection to your body and a conversation with your body. It's like the body's saying, please don't. put me in that type of exercise today. And you have the connection to it and the relationship to it that you're actually listening to it. And you're saying, okay, that's how we become friends with our body. And that's how we work with our bodies. And that's how we bring in, like you said, what we're talking about here, which is bringing in pleasure.

You're so right. And I think so many people, men and women— I'm hearing some kind of feedback. Do you hear that? Go about life Having that disconnect. You know, they're disconnected with their body, they're disconnected with their thoughts even, they're disconnected with how they feel. So yes, it's paying attention and asking yourself that question, how does this feel for me after I eat something, after I, you know, do some type of exercise, how does this feel? I love that. And oh, you also said that people who love their bodies move them more. I love that, that's so true. And it makes sense because you, you're loving this body that you're in, and so you wanna use it, right?

Yeah, you want to be in it.

Yeah, you

want to connect with it.

Absolutely.

You want to love it up.

Yeah, no, that's great. Good stuff. Thank you. So really, that tip of listening to your body, not comparing, and being you is so important. Thank you, Marla. So I wanted to talk a little bit about creating body-positive children because we know that it starts so early. And I was talking with you over the break about how I see it in my daughter even more than my boys because, you know, I have 2 boys and boys are kind of like, uh, you know, they, they're not thinking about their body. They're not thinking about anybody's body unless it's, you know, fart sounds or something. That fun 9, 10-year-old where it's all about jokes and farts. But, but other than that, you know, they're not concerned. But little girls, I see it so early in my 5-year-old. They're so conscious and it's just society, you know. Speaks to them about, oh, you're so pretty, or, oh, I love your hair, oh, this, and they start to really pick it up, just like you talked about how you picked it up. So how do we really start to create body-positive children?

Well, one of the tools that I give people, what you just mentioned, is when you see a little girl or a little boy, it's really challenging to do this because they are so darn cute. Yes, right, right. Be like, you're so cute.

Yeah.

But to not say something about what they look like or the cute little dress that they have on or how cute their hair is, but to acknowledge maybe the doll that they have in, in their hand or ask them about school or talk to them and acknowledge, wow, you must be really smart,

or

say other things.

What kinds of things are you interested in? Yeah.

Yeah, if you need to say something like, oh my gosh, you're cute, like sometimes I'll just lean over to the mom and be like, She's so cute. I can barely, you know, she's just so cute. Right. But to not say it to the little ones, it's not about not giving them attention. It's just about saying, giving them a different type of attention.

Teaching them what's important. Yeah. So what's important is who you are, right? Not what the outside part looks like.

Outside looks like.

Yes.

Yeah. Now, this is the thing with raising body positive children is that it's about the parent's relationship with their body. So with the women that I have worked with, and I had one client who, oh gosh, just, she really turned things around when she realized, I do not want my children to have the same relationship to their body that I do.

I

need to clean up how I talk about myself. I need to clean up the words I'm using around dieting. I need to talk about, you know, health and not diet.

Mm-hmm.

And, you know, she had her mother-in-law say, oh, I can't go swimming, I can't put a bathing suit on. And she's like, you know, no, you know, she kind of nipped it in the bud. She said, no, we do not say that. That's not okay to say that to our kids. Like, if that's your truth, don't say it out loud.

Keep it to yourself. Yes, keep it to yourself until you can create another story.

Yeah. It's just like, oh, it gives this information, like, oh, If you look a certain way, you're not allowed to have fun. Oh, and also she says, oh, is there something wrong with my grandma? Oh, is she— is my grandma— is she fat? Is that bad?

Yeah.

I thought she's beautiful. I love her.

Yes.

You know, like, and it's— and it gives a big piece. I can remember that as a young girl, just having someone who I loved say to me, me saying, you're beautiful. And she's like, oh no, honey, I'm fat. And it took something from me. It hurt my heart, and it made me think, am I wrong? There's something wrong with me. But I think she's beautiful. Yeah, like, she's not— oh, but that is not beautiful. Her body actually is not beautiful, and she's not supposed to like it.

And then what does that say about you, right?

Exactly. Then what does that say about me? And so really If you want to create body-positive children, it's great leverage to clean up your own relationship as parents.

Your own relationship with yourself.

How are you talking about dieting? How are you talking about your body? And then I just hear these, like, hell stories of, like, parents who are, like, telling their children that they're eating too much or keeping food from them. And I mean, that's the extreme, right? I'm not addressing those parents in this conversation because that's whole other level of, OK, you really need to get some help.

Right. Right?

Right. But if you are like a mother who is, you know, maybe struggled a bit or struggling yourself, like, and just really notice what it is that you're saying and what are you saying to your children? Oh, honey, you don't want to wear that. You know, your belly hangs out for it. You don't want to do that. Like, really? Like, it's a belly.

That's true. And I think, especially when we have conversations with our kids around the things we're eating, It needs to be focused on health. What is healthy to eat? What feels good in our body? Same thing with adults, you know, what feels good in our body to eat? Not about the way it makes you look, but about— I don't know what those sounds are now. Yeah, some sounds coming through. But it's about how you feel when you're eating things and what are we going to do to make you, you know, feel healthy. So I think that's super important. And then, you know, I was thinking about my daughter because she's 5 and We were in my bathroom the other day, and she was saying to me, I want to be just like you. And I looked at her, I was like, really? What, what part of me? And she's like, all of it. And it just really hit me how much she looks at me, and all of our kids do. And if, you know, you're a woman or a father, you know, listening, your child thinks the same thing about you. And so it's so important to remember that they're watching, and they're looking, and they want to be just like you. And if you speak negative about yourself, then you're also telling them there's something negative about them. Thank you so much. I'm sorry, we're getting so much feedback. So we're gonna go ahead and go, Marla. Thank you for coming and talking to us about this super important topic. And we'll be connecting with you on social media. Take care. And this is Dr. Zoe. We are on the Dr. Zoe Show. We've been having a really great conversation with Marla Mervis about loving our bodies. We'll be right back. And I'm going to be talking about some real talk. See you in a minute. People ask me, how do you have so much energy? I am not a coffee drinker, but I love the benefits of matcha green tea. More antioxidants than coffee and a smooth energy, not the jittery kind, that lasts me all day long. Perfect for you super moms too. I have searched the world over for that perfect matcha for my smoothies, and I have found it. At Kiss Me Organics. You can get it too at kissmeorganics.com. Enter the promo code Dr. Zoe, D-R-Z-O-E, for 10% off and free shipping. Experience the smooth, healthy, organic energy of matcha green tea. kissmeorganics.com. Hi guys, it's Dr. Zoe. I am back. We just had a really good conversation with Marla Mervis. You can get a hold of her at Love Your Body, LoveYourself.com. And we were talking all about self-love. So my health tip for today, remember, your mind and your body are intimately connected. You can't have health in one without health in the other. And that is why I have a health tip segment. And healthy looks good or different on everybody. And so stop those comparisons. Remember, she is beautiful. I am beautiful. So my health tip today is about your mental and intellectual health. It is so important that we learn something new every day. Brain research has showed us that our brain grows when we learn, and growing meaning it grows connections, and those connections are important because our brain atrophies, those connections drop off when we don't use it. So this is probably one of the, you know, a good tip for busy people is this can be accomplished by reading a new topic for 30 minutes every day. But you should also do something new regularly because you're using all of your senses when you're doing something that includes body and, uh, mind. So you're firing up all those senses when you're doing both. So for me, audiobooks are my go-to, but I also like a nice hard book in my hands from time to time as well. So for busy women, audiobooks are great. And maybe that book beside your bed at nighttime is a good thing that you can kind of just open up, cuz we know devices aren't good before bed, right? So. Before bed, maybe keep a book by your bed and read for just a few minutes, working on stretching that brain. So for Real Talk, if you're just tuning in, this is Dr. Zoe, and this is Real Talk, where I generally answer questions from my listeners and share my own musings and encouragement. Please reach out if you have some questions you'd like me to address on the show. Today, I'm just going to be talking, but if you do have questions, reach out. I'm going to answer them. All questions are anonymous. I take your confidentiality very seriously as if you were my own client. So you can email questions to Zoe at DrZoeShaw.com or connect with me on any of my social medias. So my health tip goes really well with my real talk today because it's all about stretching yourself. For some reason, as I talked earlier, I thought that it would be a really good idea for me to write a book. I still think it's a really good idea in theory, but it's one of those really, it's one of those bucket list I've always, I've always wanted to write a book. Most of you know, I do blog. But right now I'm writing this book to share my story with my audience and my tribe, in hopes that it encourages and strengthens and maybe even heals you. So what's my journey? It's kind of long. So stay tuned. I'm gonna— well, right now I'm in the process of regurgitating it all onto my laptop. So hopefully some order is gonna be created in that process, and it's gonna turn into a book, and it'll be available soon. So we'll be talking about that as it kind of unfolds. But it's painful, and it's painful because I'm really stretching myself, and I'm putting myself right now in a place that I haven't been in really a long time. So I talked to you guys before about how I discovered that one of my superpowers is encouragement. And I do wanna continue to talk to you ladies about how you discover your superpowers and live in them and, you know, share them with the world. But another one of my— I don't even know if you want to call it a superpower, but it kind of is. It's a talent I have is stretching myself. I have this uncanny ability to sign myself up for things that other people probably think, you're crazy. Why are you doing that? You're adding one more thing. And this radio show was a stretching myself. And this book now is a stretching myself. And I'm just someone who likes challenge. So I have, you know, ongoing sub-self-talk that says, if it scares me, I'm going to try it. I do like to see myself grow. And I, I know that I've been doing that since I was a teenager. I used to be terrified of the ocean, like seriously phobia terrified. And I would make myself keep getting in it so that I could really, really work on that for myself. Same thing with public speaking, believe it or not. I have been terrified of public speaking, and yet I always put myself into a position— here I am talking on the radio— where I have to do it because I don't like that I let fear sometimes control me. I want to control it. But I realize that not everyone out there is like me. Some people have a healthy dose of sanity and caution, and that's good for them, and that's good for our society. So not everyone has to be like that, but I also know that everyone can stretch themselves in some way. So remember, it's not about comparison, it's not about— or comparing, it's not about trying to be like me or anybody else. It's about you. And it's about how can you stretch yourself? So you might be thinking, look, woman, I'm already overwhelmed, I'm exhausted, and now you're telling me I'm not doing enough? No, that's not what I'm saying. You are enough, and you are doing enough, and you can still stretch. I'm not asking you to take on an extra task. I'm asking you to look at what you're already doing in your life, and stretching yourself can give you a new view of the world. It engages you, and it actually energizes you when you do something different. Remember those neurons that are firing and connecting in your brain? And I know you all know that we only use 10% of our brain in most of our daily activities, right? And as we get older. We're not in school, you know, we're not doing a brand new job. And so naturally nothing gets stretched and things atrophy. So what are the little ways that you can stretch yourself? You can try a new food when you go to a restaurant. Really, what's the worst that can happen? You don't like it, it'll be okay, you'll eat again, right? You can start to look at failure as a friend and a teacher. I love that one because I love that Saying fail forward. And when you are finally— and I say finally, because it takes a while— when you are finally able to not fear failure, you open your world up in just an amazing way. When you're willing to just look dumb, and you're willing to put yourself out there, knowing at least I tried, it's amazing. And of course, like I said, it is energizing because you're not always going to fail. If you start something, yeah, maybe you're gonna suck. And I always say, if you're starting something new, expect it to suck, and that's okay. It doesn't mean you shouldn't be doing it, but you're not always gonna fail. You're gonna have some really beautiful wins. So another one is ask questions, be curious. There's so many questions that I know people must have, cuz I ask questions all the time. And I remember when I was in grad school, I was always asking way too many questions and people would put their head down like, can she stop asking? I wanna get outta class. But ask questions. That's how you learn. That's how you stretch. That's how you grow. So here's some big ones, big ways that you can stretch yourself. Now, if you notice, I haven't really told you anything extra task-wise that you need to do. This is really all mental, right, that you can do in your everyday life. Here's a big one: forgive. Now, that's a big stretch, and it really will make you look at the world differently. When you're able to forgive, You release. So whether it's forgiving yourself, forgiving somebody else, forgiving makes you look at the whole world differently. And here's another one, go with the flow. So when I talked about, you know, the brain atrophying, we get into these routines, we do the same thing every day, the thing, you know, our talents and the things that we do, we're so used to doing them, that we don't utilize a lot of energy. So when things change, sometimes we might kind of tense up like, oh, no, You know, this isn't okay, I have to get back to my norm. And I'm saying, you know what, no. When something happens, when there's an opportunity, instead of stopping yourself, instead of resisting it, go with it. See what happens. You don't know where in the world you're gonna go and all the amazing things that might happen. So don't resist it. And here's another one. Now, this is one task out of all of these. This is just one task that I'm asking you to think about if you have the time and when you have the time, or maybe plan it for another season in your life. And that's take a class. Now, here's what I'm saying. Don't take a class necessarily about something you're really interested in. That's probably easy to do and something that you'll naturally do over your life. I would say take a class about something that terrifies you, not something you hate. You know, I'm not gonna take a physics class. I did— I hate physics. But take a class about something that does terrify you, like jumping out of a plane. Something— and you guys who know me know that my sister and I did that for her 40th, and it was so exciting. I was terrified, but I did it. But doing something that scares you even just a little bit, because that pushes you out of that comfort zone. So those are my little tips, ladies, helping you redefine your superwoman, helping you stretch yourself, because that's part of having a great life. So thank you for tuning in to the Dr. Zoe Show. Thank you. Tune in next week and every week on Tuesdays from 12 to 1 Pacific and 3 to 4 Eastern at LA Radio Now. For those who can't always listen live, check out the reruns of my show on iTunes, Google Play, Libsyn, and YouTube, where I am your life and relationship coach. I help sometimes struggling superwomen, and we're all struggling sometimes. I help you guys keep your mind in the game by redefining what that means, redefining your superwoman. If you know a friend who may benefit from any of my topics, please Spread the love and share my show. And if you like the show, can you show me some love with some 5 stars? Thank you. Connect with me at drzoeshaw.com or any of my social medias at the handle Dr. Zoe Shaw. Join my free newsletter and get a free copy of 30 Minute Life Transformation: The Secret to Getting Stuff Done by texting the word join to 38470. I look forward to speaking to you wonderful ladies on social media after the Have a great week.

You've been listening to The Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman, with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends. And subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of The Dr. Zoe Show.