041: Loving Yourself Through the Seasons of Your Life | Dr. Zoe Shaw

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

I'm Dr. Zoe, and if you're listening for the first time, I'm a licensed psychotherapist, a life and relationship coach, and a motivational speaker. And I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. I believe that every woman has a superpower, and my passion is to help you find it, embrace it, and share it with the world. Connect with me by texting the word join to 38470, or you can go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. So today's topic is loving yourself, through the seasons of your life. And there's no guest today, so it's an all-me solo episode. And I'm excited to dive into this with you guys. It's actually kind of one of my babies in terms of the idea of women and their seasons. And I love to talk about it. And I have a seasons mapping program as well, and we'll dive into it in just a minute. So my Superwoman win today for this week is that I got a nap on Sunday. This last Sunday, I got a nap. That pretty much sums it up. It wasn't Mother's Day, it wasn't my birthday, and I got a freaking nap. So you're probably getting the very clear message that this is a very rare and hard-sought thing in my life, and that's because it is. So there's my win. My Superwoman fail, ugh, I didn't go to the graduation of my intern. I got invited late and I already had a commitment and I chose not to go. And I regret it now, and I started thinking about it I think it was that night actually during the graduation, and I was realizing I really should have gone. It was an honor that my intern Effie, congratulations on your graduation. I am so happy for you. You are amazing, absolutely amazing. I can't wait to see all the super wonderful things that you do with your life. And I'm already very, very sad that I'm going to have to find another intern next year, but it was an honor. that she invited me to her graduation. And like I said, I recognize that at this point in my life, I need to focus more on mentoring. There are young women coming up behind me who stand on my shoulders and I am responsible for supporting them. And I should have gone, I should have gone to her graduation. And so that's really a Superwoman fail for me this week. So I totally learned my lesson. And the funny thing is, is that when I wrote down what I thought was going to be my Superwoman fail, I didn't even realize that my topic today was going to be about loving yourself through the seasons of your life. And so how ironic that this fail goes along with that concept of season so much, because I am very cognizant that this is my season for giving back. I'm still very much in a productive season as well, no doubt about that. But part of my productivity at this point is in the way that I can serve others and give back to my children and give back to You know, all the other women and people in my life that are coming up behind me. So there's my fail. I definitely should have made a different choice. I know that I will in the future. And it just brings me back to the whole concept of seasons. So let's dive into those seasons of your life. I'm really excited to talk about this because it's a concept that I think about a lot and talk about a lot. And I wanted to really just share with you my thoughts And ideas about these seasons in your life and how important they are and how much we should focus on it. So I'm not the only person that's talked about seasons. I mean, God created seasons, but it goes all the way back to the concept in the Bible of there's a purpose for every season and there's a season for everything, right? There's a season for death and a season for life and a season for grieving, a season for happiness, a season for everything. Bearing children. And so that's really just the beauty of our lives. And psychologists have talked about it in kind of a certain way. And I wanna talk about that because I have kind of a different concept and idea about it. So Abraham Maslow, he was the leading figure in traditional humanistic psychology. And I'm gonna try to really not be boring and all psychological, but I'm just gonna give you a little bit of history. So he developed what's called the hierarchy of needs. So Maslow talked about how humans aspire to what he calls a pinnacle need, which is self-actualization, and some people never get there. So this explains really why we have so much self-help. I mean, think about the self-help industry. I happen to be a part of it, how much money it makes and how much humans really thirst for self-help. And it all goes back to this concept that Maslow talked about is. Mm-hmm. Aspiring towards self-actualization. And so self-help sells, of course, because humans aspire to self-actualize, which essentially just means maximizing our potential and doing the best that we're capable of doing. Now, Erik Erikson, he was a developmental psychologist and he talked about, okay, what are the stages we go through as humans in order to self-actualize? Now here's the deal. Both of these men are dead. They were old white psychologists and their whole concept was really based on men, old white men and how they lived in life and how they developed. And so that's my main beef with these concepts and the application of them. But like I said, Abraham Maslow and self-actualization, I mean, yeah, that's so true. Maslow talked about self-actualization and what is a self-actualized person. So a self-actualized person embraces the unknown and the ambiguous. They accept themselves together with all their flaws. They know that they're flawed people and they can accept that. They're flawsome, right? They prioritize and enjoy the journey, not just the destination. So they recognize that this process of self-actualization doesn't end until we're dead. And so you have to really enjoy that journey because if you wait until you get there, you never get there and then you never enjoy your life. Like I said, they're also, they embrace kind of that unknown. So they don't feel like they have to know everything and conquer everything to be happy. Self-actualized people are inherently unconventional and they do not seek to shock or disturb. So they're naturally not conventional. They recognize that they don't really follow the crowd, but they're not gonna blast it out there because they have that internal kind of calm, quiet self-confidence. They're motivated by growth, not by the satisfaction of needs, which means they can delay gratification, which is such an important quality to have as a human. Self-actualized people have purpose, so they have taken the time to think about, why am I here? And what do I love to do? And what's my thing in this world? They're not troubled by small things, so they recognize there's a bigger picture. The small things don't matter. Yes, they add up, but they don't matter so much, and I don't need to make a big drama about it. Self-actualized people, they're able to focus on the bigger picture. They are also grateful. So they've developed enough wisdom to know that being grateful creates a good, healthy life. They don't focus on the bad things. They focus on the good. They don't take their blessings for granted. And by doing so, they maintain this fresh sense of wonder about the universe. Self-actualized people share deep relationships with a few, but also feel identification and affection towards the entire human race. So they are lovers of people, but they're not crazy social necessarily. They don't stay on the surface with a lot of people. They go deep with a couple really important people in their life, and they love everybody. Self-actualized people are humble. They're able to resist enculturation. So they don't allow themselves to be passively molded by culture. They're deliberate. They make their own decisions. They select what they see as good and they reject what they see as bad. They don't accept everything like a sheep, and they also don't reject everything like a huge rebel. They are essentially self-actualized. So they make up their own minds. They come to their own decisions. They're self-starters. They're responsible for themselves and their own destinies because too many people don't make up their own minds. They have their minds made up for them by salesmen, by authors, by parents, by TV, newspapers, et cetera. So self-actualized people resist that enculturation. They are really kind of the most ethical of people, even though their ethics aren't necessarily the same as those people around them, kind of not your ordinary ethical behavior of the average person, which is more conventional. A self-actualized person ethics, it's above that. It's spiritual even is what I would probably say. And despite all of this, of course, a self-actualized person is not perfect. Now, of course, this is just a description, but Erik Erikson, who was a developmental psychologist, said that these are the stages that humans go through to reach self-actualization and that there are specific tasks that have to get accomplished for us to get here. So Maslow talked about what is self-actualization. Erikson talked about, okay, you gotta go through these stages, which is where we're gonna get to my seasons that we're gonna talk about. So Erikson had a number of stages, and I'm not gonna go through all of them because they start at 0 years old, but the 8 stages he said that humans go through to get to that level of self-actualization. The first one is trust versus mistrust. That's 0 to 1 years old. The next is autonomy versus shame and doubt. That's 1 to 3 years old. The next stage is initiative versus guilt, which is ages 3 to 5. The next is industry versus inferiority, which is age kind of 5 to 12. The next one is identity versus role confusion, which is ages 12 to 18. Now this, I think in modern world, I think these ages are a lot different. The last 3 stages are the ones that I'm going to talk about. These are your adult stages. So he's saying there's 3 stages in adulthood, and he lists the first stage of adulthood as intimacy versus isolation. So during this stage, you're forming intimate, loving relationships with people. Now, I would argue that in the stage of, I think this is age 18 to 40, which is a large gap. I would argue this is not the only goal for this stage of 18 to 40 years old, but that's what Erikson said. The next stage is ages 40 to 65, and that's generativity versus stagnation. And in this stage, we need to nurture or create things that will outlast ourselves. We make our mark on the world. We have a desire to be a productive citizen, to become a success in our own or the world's eyes. And we feel like we need to give back or we'll feel like a failure and we'll feel like we are stagnating. Um, the first one I didn't mention, if you don't accomplish the task of intimacy, then you feel isolated. The last stage, which he says is age 65 to death, essentially, is ego integrity versus despair. Now, during that stage, we're accepting the one and only course, duration, and finality of our life. We develop a sense of integrity in our life choices, or we feel despair. In a healthy world, we develop a sense of coherence and wholeness, feeling we've lived a good life. So I think that both the idea of self-actualization and developmental stages we go through to get there make a lot of sense, and I respect them as a psychotherapist. I respect them as being in many ways the foundation for the understanding of human behavior. However, I know that they are limited and that women are very different from men. And the modern woman is very different as well. And to sum up the entire period of a woman's life from 18 to 40 as dealing with the same issues and a 40 to 65-year-old woman dealing with the same issues, this just isn't true. Even now, as I look at my sister and I, we are both in our 40s and we are going through very different life stages than women in their 20s, but also we're dealing with very different life events, issues, struggles, and even triumphs than my 63-year-old mother, the ones, you know, things that she's dealing with. And we, my sister and I and my mother, according to Erikson, we are in the same life stage. Yeah. But we're not, it's not that simple. My mom, she's been living with empty nest for like 20 years and she has grandchildren and she's a widow and she's dating after having had a 40-year marriage. I can't relate on an experiential level with any of that. And my sister and I, we're, we're superwomen. We're in the thick of it. We both have young children. She's a little saner than I am cuz she's got 2. I have 5 altogether, 4 still at home, and I've got one about to fly the nest and a little 5-year-old. But I do think we're all 3 on that same journey towards self-actualization. In fact, all of us, all of us, the entire human race is on that journey towards self-actualization. But I'm going to talk about how important it is to utilize the knowledge of what season you're in so that you can hyperfocus and get the best out of it. Now, I see these more as seasons that some women might cycle in and out of. And I don't think that an age should really necessarily be applied. And the reason is Because there are women in their 20s who are married with children, and then there are women in their 30s or 40s who haven't even gotten there yet, or maybe they don't want to. I just went to a Janet Jackson concert a couple of months ago, and that woman, gorgeous. She has a 1-year-old or maybe a 2-year-old child, and I believe she's 50. So guess what? She's in the same season as that 20-year-old, but she's cycling back, having gone through seasons that the 20-year-old hasn't yet to even go through. And that's the beauty of it. And And that's why I think adult women have a whole different developmental stage. So I'm going to talk about what I call the who stages, the stages that I've made up for adult women. The first one is, who am I? That's stage number 1. Stage number 2 is, who am I as a producer? Stage number 3 Who am I as a partner? Stage number 4, who am I as a mother? Stage number 5, who am I again? Yeah, I think you can relate to some of that. Stage number 6, who am I now? And stage number 7 is, am I good with who I am and who I've been? So I'm gonna talk about those stages and how you can recognize When you're in the stage and when you're coming out of the stage, because that's another thing that's so important. If you're going to look at having it all throughout the course of the seasons of your life, is being able to recognize when is this stage over and being able to recognize when I'm in this stage, what do I need to do? So as you start to think about this concept of stages, I want you to think about the fact that you can only focus on 2 to 3 main things In your life and do it well. And 3 might be stretching it. And so if you're able to think, what stage am I in? And I hope you can begin to recognize some of this. Now, the reality is stages are gonna overlap. You are going to be a producer at the same time that you're a parent, and you are going to be a partner at the same time that you are a parent. But if we look at times in your life where you need to hyperfocus on building that role in your life, Then you can kind of understand how you need to have kind of those 2 priorities, 2 to 3 tasks, main tasks that you wanna do during that season. So the first season, which I would call the Who Am I stage, that's the early adult stage when you're a woman in college and maybe right after. And that's really when you're figuring out who in the world am I. Now, this is a journey cuz you're gonna go through this stage again when you get to who am I again? And who am I now? But this is the beginning of that journey. And the task for this stage is to figure out what you stand for and how you stand for it. Learn how you want to show up in the world from fashion to conviction, and really trying to get a good grasp of who you are. So during this stage, if you're a young woman listening to this, During this stage, you want to do a lot of reading. You want to do a lot of questioning. Why do I believe what I believe? And I've, I've done another talk before about the fact that like half the things that you believe aren't true at all. So just ponder that one for a minute. And I'm not going to go into the whole story right now of how I kind of discuss, show that concept. But if half of what you believe isn't true at all, then I want you to sit and think about why do I believe the things that I believe? And that helps you to develop this, who am I? Because if you understand why, then you can really deeply understand who you are. So the next stage, and remember, these are stages and we do cycle through, and I'm not even going to apply an age to them. The next is, who am I as a producer in this world? So what do you love to do? Have you figured that out yet? Or what are you interested in doing? What work fuels you? Your tasks are to produce. To find your niche, to work on building that career, to work on exposing yourself to the things in the world that you have interest in doing. That's really your task. And that can sometimes overlap with the who am I stage. And well, it is early adulthood as well. That next one would be what Erikson would consider intimacy versus isolation. And that would be, who am I as a partner? So the task of this stage isn't necessarily to get married. It's really focusing on nurturing relationships. And one of the tasks of this stage is to find your tribe. Who are the people that are like you? Who are the people that believe some of the things that you believe, who can support you as you do life and avoiding isolation? Because isolation is generally not healthy for humans. This is a stage where you need to hyperfocus on Developing relationships, maintaining relationships, figuring out how you wanna show up in relationships, finding healthy boundaries, maybe getting rid of some codependency issues that you might have in your life that goes back to your family of origin, but really hyper-focusing on this place in your life of nurturing those relationships. So at some point in most women's life, there is a stage called, who am I as a mother? Now, this doesn't happen to all women and it might happen in different ways, but this stage of who am I as a mother is a pretty critical one, you know, in the stage of a woman's life. So during this stage, you're really kind of writing yourself in the world after taking on this new role that's gonna change you forever as a mother. So the world flips upside down for a little while. You're kind of not all there. You're in this fog. You're trying to figure out how in the world you can be you and be a mother. At the same time, your tasks are to really focus on choosing your parenting style, working towards balance, writing yourself back in the world after, you know, taking on this new role. Your life becomes baby and child-centered, which is not a bad thing. You should be studying and reading and having deep conversations with your spouse about parenting and finding your identity and your mom tribe as well. And finding your identity as both a parent And self and family-focused activities should be your priority. And so remember, as we go through any season, if there are tasks or things that are going on in that season that don't serve the season, then you need to learn to say no to those things. So you need to constantly ask yourself, okay, what season am I in? And does this thing serve this season? Because if not, I need to say no. And remember, there are other seasons. Where I will say yes to that thing. But right now I'm in this season and my answer needs to be no because it doesn't serve it. So the next stage is, who am I again? Okay. So you started to come out of the fog and you're trying to figure out who am I? Because I lost a little part of myself. Yes, you did. You can get a part of her back. Yes, you can. She's gonna be different cuz she's also gonna still have that role as mother and caretaker, but the priority And the tasks for this period, for this season, really need to be about rediscovering. So maybe your kids have gone, you know, to elementary school now, and some of that fog is lifted. And so this is a great time to start journaling, to start questioning, to go back, you know, listen to the Julie Riesler episode on Getting a PhD in You. And we talked about going back and remembering and learning what your passions were as a child and reconnecting with Those. And so this stage, you're probably still in the who am I as a mother? You're probably still in the who am I as a partner? But one of your priorities really has to be, who am I again? And it goes back to saying no to things that aren't serving that priority. So now it's, you know, empty nest kind of time and things have changed again. There's another cycle that you've gone through. And the question during this time period, and maybe You know, you are in your heading towards midlife and what some people would call a midlife crisis, I think is really the, who am I now? And that's reevaluating this stage. You're reevaluating, who am I? Are there new passions that I want to pursue? Do I still love my work? What's my legacy? Do I need to change anything? Because now's the time to do it. And then also this time, Your task should be about reigniting and finding your passions, maybe making some changes and some turns in your life, because this is a new way that you wanna show up in the world. But also a big task for this time period is producing and mentoring. Just like I talked about in my Superwoman Fail, I am in this who am I now kind of stage, and I feel very centered in that belief that I should be mentoring as well as producing. And those are priorities for me, not just on the outside, but also my children, because they're beyond the hands-on 24/7 physical caring. And now my task as a mother is in mentoring and growing in that way. And so really the priorities change, the tasks change, and I, I want you to hyperfocus on re— Finding yourself and mentoring and finding ways that you can give back and mentor in the world and focus on productivity and walking in your passion. And so the last stage, and this stage, you know, is in your later years up until the end of your life. And that is, am I good with who I am? I believe that a healthy woman continues to mentor throughout this stage until she dies. I don't think the mentoring and even the productivity ever goes away. And that's what I wanna do. I wanna be giving advice To my grave, just like Maya Angelou. But this is also a time of reflection and reframing your story in a healthy way. Are you good with your choices for the most part? We can't live a good life without having some bumps and bruises, so nobody gets through life without regrets. And that's okay because the regrets are amazing lessons. And regrets also make you a teacher. And that's really one of the tasks in this stage is kind of Learning how to feel a sense of integrity about your life and what you've done and learning how to teach it so that you can be productive by mentoring other women. And so, as I talked about the stage, you know, for the most part, you want to get to a place where you're feeling a sense of integrity. And if not, you need to figure out what do I need to do or change in my life so that I can have that sense of integrity. You wanna make sure the tasks for this stage are maintaining your health, Maintaining good relationships, which can be difficult during this stage, but that needs to be a priority. You need to maintain and continue to create good, healthy relationships. The other task is giving back. And then the last task of the season would be pursuing fun and what fuels you. This is a time in your life where you can have a sense of, I've done a good job. I've had a great life so far, and I have still many years ahead of me that I can produce and that I can mentor. And I'm also going to focus on what fuels me and having fun. Now, remember, the deal is in each stage, you can only focus on 1 to 2 things. But if you can kind of sit with all of those concepts of what is this stage, what is my task in this stage, think about it, write it down. What stage are you in? And maybe what 3 stages are you cycling between? And you make up a list of what should my priorities be in this stage? And what do I need to let go? What needs to be my yeses in this stage? And where are my nos in this stage? And how can I love myself through all these stages by hyper-focusing on my priority and my yeses and my nos? So I hope that was helpful and just kind of taking a few minutes to just think about where you are in your life, ladies, and the stages and how you can love yourself through those stages. And every single one of those stages is miraculously beautiful. And as women, you know, I really truly believe that our stages are richer because they're kind of a little more defined and we do cycle in and out more than men do. So embrace that, honor that, and honor your femininity as you produce. I just feel so strongly about honoring ourselves as women as we produce and move through this earth. So. And there you go. There are my seasons and happy loving yourself. It's time for Real Talk. If you are just turning in, this is Dr. Zoe and this is Real Talk where I answer questions from my listeners and I share some of my own musings and encouragement. Please reach out if you have any questions that you'd like me to address on the show. All the questions are anonymous. I take your confidentiality seriously as if you were my own client. You can email me questions to Zoe at drzoe@drzoe.com. Or connect with me on any of my social medias. And just by the way, this is not therapy. This is just real talk. So here's a question that I got from a listener. Dr. Zoe, I am really enjoying your podcast and your great advice. My husband left me a few months ago and recently came back. Things were going really well at first, but I feel like I'm losing him again. And I want some advice for what I can do to save my marriage. Wow, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Honestly, this is one of the most painful experiences akin to death. I didn't say besides death. I said akin to death. It's like death that you have to walk through right now. You know, there's no Disney movie about when your husband leaves you. All the Disney movies tell us that once you get married, you live happily ever after. But real life is different. And that's what you're dealing with right now. So first, you can't make someone stay who doesn't want to. And that's just the hard truth. And twisting yourself up in a pretzel doesn't last long-term. So I could probably tell you a million tips and a million things that you could do to be the dream wife, but they probably still wouldn't work because his leaving is not about you. It's about him. So how can I say this without knowing Your situation, the reality is that he had an expectation that didn't get met in the marriage. The harder reality is that our expectations are self-constructed and they usually lead to disappointment. So I assume you two are in therapy. If you aren't, ask him if he's willing. If he is, you need to start ASAP. But separate from all of that and separate from, you know, I'm assuming you're not an addict. You haven't done something, you know, horribly grievous that's making him want to leave. And aside from that, All you can do is be the best you. If you love him, you will definitely also choose to sacrifice and do some things for him that he might enjoy. And that needs to be your choice as your authentic self. So ask him what he needs from you. And as a loving wife, give it to him when and where you can without the pretzel. Also express your needs to him too, because they do matter. But ultimately, You have to be able to behave autonomously without expecting that he will give you anything. And it's amazing what happens when you lose any expectation that he's going to change and you figure out how to love him, that man, the way he is exactly. And I know that is so hard. And I get that it's so much more easily said than done, but it's one of those core truths. And newsflash, you have to do that, the very same thing for yourself. And part of that is learning how to erect healthy boundaries for yourself. Because I'm not telling you to be a doormat when I talk about finding out what he wants and give him. I'm not telling you to be a doormat. And that could be going on because if he feels like he can leave and come back and, oh, maybe I want to leave again, then maybe there is a little bit of you being a doormat in that situation. And you have to be Clear about how you deserve and want to be treated. And this may be confusing because I'm telling you that don't have any expectations, but now I'm saying demand that he treats you a certain way. So here's the clincher. You have to expect him to be him and not be surprised when he does exactly what he always does, but you also have to love yourself enough to decide what you're going to tolerate. So if he's doing a behavior in the relationship that relationship-ending behavior, and only you can decide what that is, then you need to leave. If it's anything short of that, then you need to expect that that's what he does. That's who he is. And of course he's doing that. And you can't try to change it. And you need to figure out how to love him in spite of it. So in short, pray, be you, find out his needs. Remember, human bodies can't be pretzels. So find out what you can maintain long-term, and then do And expect him to be exactly who he is. And you figure out how to show up and love that person. Best of luck to you. And please let me know what happens. Keep me updated. So thanks for tuning into the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss a show. And if you're interested in coaching or therapy, or you just want to get a little more help, go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. And you can also connect with me on social media at the handle Dr. Zoe Shaw. Join my free newsletter by texting the word JOIN to 38470, and I look forward to speaking with you wonderful ladies on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman, with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of The Dr. Zoe Show.