048: I Know You’re Grown, but Are You Acting like a Grown Woman? | Dr. Zoe Shaw

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Welcome to the Redefining Your Superwoman podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a life and relationship coach and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. My passion is helping women find their superpower, learn to embrace it, and to share it with the world, ladies. So connect with me by texting the word JOIN to 38455. Or go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. Today's topic is, I know you're grown, but are you acting like a grown woman? And we'll get to that in just a minute. First, I have my Superwoman win, and that is that the Grit and Grace Project is launching my Ask Dr. Zoe column on July 28th. So I'm super excited about it. The Grit and Grace Project is an online women's magazine for strong women and women who want to be. And it's a really wonderful platform for encouragement for women. So it just totally goes in line with my whole brand, with my purpose and passion. And so I'm going to be doing a column over there where you can go ask me any kind of questions. I will answer questions and it launches July 28th. So that's a win, super excited for both myself and the Grit and Grace Project. I'm gonna cop to a totally shallow fail today. I'm having a really hard time picking a good lip color. I don't like to shop, especially since the most amazing invention ever, Amazon Prime. Love it. And I'm totally addicted. Stuff shows up every day. I'm like, my gosh. So anyway, Amazon Prime is not a place where you can shop for lip color. So I actually have to leave my house and go to the MAC store and try to find a perfect color. But I show up there and $200 later, I have some lipstick and probably some other stuff I don't need and not the perfect color. I'm still not happy with the color. Am I the only one that has this problem? My top lip is a little bit smaller. Well, first of all, I'm African American. I should have some big luscious lips and I don't. So I feel like I got kind of gypped, but I have small lips and my top lip is like even smaller than my bottom. And I feel like my lips are thinning as I age. So I don't know. I'm just having lip issues. So that's my fail. Another lipstick adventure. Maybe you guys can give me some tips on lipstick for thin lips and dark skin. The cool thing about MAC though is that they have this cool program where they give you a free lipstick for every 6 containers you give back to them. I'm sure it's a ripoff because it's them trying to get you to buy more stuff, but hey, it's something. So I'll have to return those lipsticks at some point. So let's talk about more important things than lip color. I know you're grown, but are you acting like a grown woman? And I wanna talk about this subject because immaturity in our lives can cost us, ladies. The general way of thinking about things is that, okay, as we age, we're also going to mature. That's not true. As we age, we age. When we work on ourselves and we grow from life experiences, we mature. And unfortunately, not everyone does. And you may be shocked to find that there are areas that you still need to grow in maturity, no matter how old you are. I see this every day in my practice because people come in and they talk about what's really going on in their lives and what they really do. And I just want to encourage you, no matter how successful you are, no matter how busy, how old you are, that we can all work on some maturity. So if any of these make you say ouch, then that's the area you need to work on. And I have to admit, As I was going through these and creating this list, I said ouch to myself even a couple of times, and that's okay because that just means that's an area that I need to grow in as well. The reality is just like I said, oh well, you can be grown in some areas and then immature in others, and we don't always have, you know, a straight balance in that. So we need to recognize where are our deficits, let me pump this one up again, and also always, always Congratulate yourself. Always recognize and honor where you are strong. And sometimes you can be mature in one area, and then something will happen that will trigger you and you'll fall back into immaturity. And that happens too, but the goal is to move forward. So if you're recognizing it and correcting it, you're moving forward. So here's a little wake-up call. Here are some signs you need to grow up. Number 1, If you play the victim. So if you recognize that when things go wrong in your life, when you're having disagreements with people, that you blame and you don't take responsibility, that is immaturity in yourself. A mature person looks at a situation, recognizes what is my part, owns up to it, and then acts that out. Now it's hard, and it's hard especially, you know, when someone triggers you, when your husband does something and really triggers that and you just want to blow Blame him, or when things aren't going well in your life, sometimes it's a lot easier to just slip into it's everybody else's fault instead of looking at, okay, what am I doing to create this circumstance in my life and what do I need to do to change it? So if you recognize that you're blaming others, that you're playing the victim, that's an area you need to bulk up in. Stop, take responsibility. The The beauty is that when you take responsibility and you recognize that you are the only one that can control your life, that you are responsible for it all. Yeah, it is a big responsibility, but it's also freedom because that means you can change it. You can't change anybody else ever. Other people have to change, but you can change yourself. And when you recognize that you're responsible, whoo, the world opens up to you. Number 2, you gossip. Now we're all susceptible. I mean, there's juicy stuff out there that can make for really interesting conversation. And I will even admit that I have probably at some point in my life been the queen of gossip before I decided to grow up. But now I'm grown and I realize, and I hope that you do too, that talking about other people just spotlights your own insecurities. Talking about other people wastes your time. It hurts you. Because other people go, well, if she's going to talk about them, she's going to talk about me too. And then you've undermined your trust even with the people you're talking to. Think about this quote. I'm sure you've heard it before. Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt, First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt, first coined that quote, and it's a really good one. And the idea behind her quote is so true. Although I have to say, I talk about, with, and to people for a living, so I don't think I have a small mind. Because I'm trying to help people, obviously. But her point was gossip. Talking about people is something that small minds do because you don't have anything else to contribute. And so you need to think about that whenever you think about wanting to share some gossip or talk about somebody. Think, what do I have to contribute that's more important than talking about somebody else and bringing somebody down? I have little tolerance, me personally, for that anymore. And if you want to act like a mature person, it's time to cut that behavior out as well. Make your own life interesting enough to share and talk about with other people, and investigate what your need is to tear other people down, and start talking about important concepts. Start talking about ideas with people and quit the gossip. So if you're gossiping or notice that you want to, that's a place of immaturity in your life. Number 3, you lack self-control. So what's the story that you tell yourself about why you can't control your behavior? Because remember, you ultimately do control. So if you recognize that you're lacking self-control, you say, okay, okay, I'm going to say ouch to this one. I'm not going to eat carbs today, or I'm going to make sure I go to bed on time, or I'm not going to blow up again at my husband. If we're honest, this is one that we probably all struggle with from time to time. We're human and, you know, it can take shape in your life very differently. And so what you have to recognize or think about is what's the story you tell yourself? You might tell yourself, well, I really deserve this, or it's going to take too long to wait. There's a story that you tell yourself that allows yourself to stop the commitment that you've made to yourself. And that is essentially what lacking self-control is. It's making a commitment to yourself and breaking it. How about if you treat yourself just as well as you would treat other people that you make commitments to? If you recognize that you're lacking in self-control, look inward. That is a place of immaturity, and it's something that you can work on and build up. Start with small things. When you make a commitment to yourself, write it down, post it somewhere, put it on your mirror. I— if you guys could see, I have stuff taped up in various places in my bathroom, in my bedroom, in my office, to encourage myself and as a way of accountability to remind myself, this is a promise you made to yourself and you need to keep your promise. Now, sometimes you have to recognize that maybe some promises you're making to yourself are simply not realistic. So if you're saying, I'm going to exercise 7 times a week and not fail, that might not be a realistic thing. And you've got to look at that as well. So if you're lacking self-control, that is a little bit of immaturity on your part. Gotta work on that. Number 4, you have a difficult time saying no. Ouch, ouch. I'll do that for myself. So what is this about? This is about not erecting healthy boundaries. It tends to be a problem with women, especially, you know, even busy women. And I have overcome it, although I fall off the wagon every now and then. But I have to say, as I age, I get better and better at this. And you can too with some focused attention. So that goes back to committing to yourself. That goes back to loving yourself and honoring yourself enough to say no. And what that means is that if you know that this is something that is not going to serve you, that this is something that is not going to serve your family or your life in any positive way, and it's not something you just want to do to enjoy it, you need to work on saying no and having those boundaries. Because when you don't, you are being immature because you're not looking at this from a grown-up situation and I can't or don't want to do this. And when you're able to do that, it frees you up to have the life that you want to have. And I've given you this challenge before. When it comes to boundaries, work on having a season of no, that your first response is, I'll get back to you, or no, and then you can think about it and come back. Number 5, you have a problem with authority. Now this is an interesting one because sometimes people don't recognize this in themselves, And I will recognize it in clients and I'll say, huh, you have some issues with authority, huh? People will sit back and go, hmm, maybe I do. So I want you to look at this. When you find that you're continually bucking the system or bucking your boss, the government, the laws, that is actually a place of immaturity. And this is, you know, an across-the-board sign that you do need to grow up. Now, it's interesting as an adolescent, and that's in some ways their struggle with identity and independence, but if you can't respect those who are in authority over you in the world, you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. And I like what Emily Goudreau said when she was on the podcast Raising a Maverick a couple weeks ago. She talked about appearing to conform, and I love that because in some ways I'm a little bit of a rebel. In my soul, I'm a little bit of a rebel, but I also recognize that it's so important to respect authority. Sometimes rules and laws are there and don't seem to make sense, and when we talk about that, I talk to my kids about jumping through hoops. So, you know what? Sometimes you need to jump through a hoop to get what you want, and sometimes jumping through that hoop is respecting authority, and sometimes it just has to be appearing to conform, not actually conforming, but that takes maturity to look at that and say, you know what? It doesn't make sense to me. I recognize it's a rule. I'm gonna respect it because I'm gonna get something out of it. And what you're gonna get out of it is essentially healthy living or freedom in your life, if that makes sense. Because when we abide by the rules, then we don't have to live with the consequences of not abiding by the rules. So if you recognize that you're always bucking the system, that you're always fighting against authority, that you always have an attitude when someone who is in authority of you tells you what to do, That is a little bit of immaturity and you need to work on it. And sometimes it's just reframing and thinking about the idea of respect, which is a mature thing. And then, like I said, appearing to conform is fine, but always pushing it is not mature. Number 6, you can't maintain relationships. This is a painful one, and this is definitely built in a foundation of immaturity. If you haven't learned to push past problems, Boredom or conflict, and your default behavior is to end a relationship and start a new one with somebody else, whether it's friendship or romance or in your family. There are plenty of women who can't maintain female friendships, and if you recognize that you're one of those, it's not everybody else. It's not all those other ladies. It's yourself. It's not all those other people. It's yourself. And I've said that to my son before. If you recognize that That you have this issue with everybody or many people in the world, guess what? It's not about them. It's about you. Long-term relationships take commitment and maturity. And if this is a place that you need to grow, you need to ask yourself this question: What have been the common themes or reasons that I've ended relationships, or even that people have ended relationships with me? I want you to look really deep and hard. And write them down. Look at the patterns and recognize that that's a place that you have to change in your life because we as humans need connection. We were born for connection. And if you're not able to connect on a deep level with people in your life, you're going to seek that out in a way that's not healthy. I don't know how you're doing that or how you may be doing that, but I guarantee you that you are. And sometimes it's just creating new relationships and, you know, trying to get your needs met in that one until Until you ditch that one and go on to the next one. Are there plenty of ways that we try to create connection in our life in unhealthy ways when we don't have real connection? And I promise you, it is possible even if you've been hurt in the past. It is possible to have a healthy connected relationship. It takes work and if you recognize that you have issues with that, you need to get some help. People like me, other therapists can definitely help you work on that. The next one is if you throw temper tantrums. Now, there are grown-up temper tantrums. Well, what I should say is there are adult temper tantrums and there are child temper tantrums, and you can be super immature and have an adult temper tantrum, but you're not acting like a grown-up. Now, adult temper tantrums for women sometimes look like the silent treatment. Ouch. The silent treatment. That is an adult temper tantrum and that is immature. And it's easy. I talked on another, I think a video I did about the mistakes that women make when we're angry. And one of them is that we sometimes do the silent treatment and the silent treatment is a very immature way of trying to get our point across. You know, we have other ways of throwing temper tantrums and you might be thinking right now, how do I throw my temper tantrum? What is the way that I do it? It's immature. So when you find that you're angry, and anytime you're angry and you don't go directly to that person and address the anger, you're usually going to be behaving from a place of immaturity. So the next time you're throwing your temper tantrum, recognize it and think about how can I respond in a more mature way? The next one is if you see the world in black and white. Now, this can be a difficult one because a lot of people who have this black-white type thinking don't recognize it. Children see the world in black and white. Something is either wrong or right, and there is kind of no in-between with children. It takes time for them to mature and understand the subtleties of the way that the world works. And the reality is, there are some solid truths in this world. There are some clear right and wrongs, no doubt about it, but the rest of it It lies somewhere in between. And when we can understand this concept well, we are coming from a mature place. And I'm not talking about morality here. I'm talking about your way of doing things. I'm talking about your way of looking at the world. And part of the issue that we have in relationships is we think that something is either all right or all wrong. And what that means is that if I'm right and my partner disagrees, then he must be wrong. And when we have that black-white thinking— and that goes for everything. If I think you should do it this way and those people are doing it that way, then those people are wrong. But until we can understand that, number one, all behavior can be understood in its context, it always makes sense when you understand the context, and that means people's ideas and beliefs and ways of doing things. And yours can be understood in your context, and yours isn't the only way. So we need to grow up and recognize that there are other ways of thinking and doing things that are also okay and just as right as my way. And when you can live comfortably in the gray and be okay with that, that is maturity. So I think I've just listed 8 things that you can look at in your life and look at whether you need to grow up a little bit in those areas. And like I said, I have some ouch moments as well. We are all in process. And the reality is, is that we won't fully get there until we're dead. And speaking of dead, I have seen a number of very immature 90-year-old women out there. So you only gain maturity past a certain point in your life through intentional focus and behaviors. And so I'm asking you superwomen out there to be intentional and focused about your behaviors. Don't rely on your age to get you there. Be intentional. Next up, health tip. Our minds and our bodies are intimately connected, and that is why I have a health tip segment. So today I'm gonna talk a little bit about intermittent fasting, which is really interesting and something that I have started. Like I said, I don't usually— I don't give health tips unless it's something I know about or have tried it myself. And the interesting thing is, you know, we've always been told since we were young, eat breakfast first thing in the morning. Don't skip meals. It's bad for you to skip meals. But the reality is, If you go back and you look at the way hunter-gatherer societies were, if you look at the way our bodies were designed, we were actually designed to skip meals. We weren't designed to eat constantly all day long or to snack or to graze. We were designed to work hard. Our bodies were designed to move and our bodies were designed to be able to go some period of time between our meals. And so what actually has been found is that when our body, our digestive system gets a break, I mean, that's why there's the word breakfast, right? We're breaking from the fast. When our digestive system gets a break, it actually gives it time to heal and it actually gives our body time to burn excess energy that we've been storing. Our body stores the fat and energy so that when we have times of not having The intake, it can use it. When our body's not able to access that, it stays and it grows and we get fat. So we need to give our bodies the chance to burn our excess energy, our excess storage. Some of the physical benefits of fasting, of intermittent fasting, include improved mental clarity and concentration, weight and body fat loss. Lowered blood insulin and sugar levels, reversal of type 2 diabetes, increased energy, improved fat burning, increased growth hormone, lowered blood cholesterol, prevention of Alzheimer's disease, and activation of cellular cleansing, and reduction of inflammation. So that's a lot of good stuff you can do if you do intermittent fasting. So it doesn't have to be a whole day. It can be periods. So let's say you decide, I'm not going to eat You know, between whatever, like you can stop eating at 6 o'clock at night and not eat again until 8 or 10 o'clock the next morning. That's a lot of hours you've gotten in there. Or I know some people who only eat from 2 to 8 PM. You can kinda figure out what works for your lifestyle, but intermittent fasting actually can be very beneficial and there's that whole concept that, well, if you fast, then your metabolism slows down. Uh-huh. Not true necessarily. Now if you have long, long periods of fasting, then yeah, it does because your body's like, okay, I've used up all this energy. Now I've gotta slow down because the energy's running out. But intermittent fasting, especially if you do it on a regular consistent basis, your body gets used to it and then it goes into burn mode and your metabolism is not going to slow down. So that's my little health tip. Yup. That's my tip for today. So ladies, Real Talk is coming back. I'm gonna be curating some questions from my column at the Grit and Grace Project and bringing them here. And you can always submit your questions directly to me as well by emailing me at zoe@drzoeshaw.com. So Real Talk will be coming back in just a couple of weeks. So thanks for tuning in to the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss a show. If you're interested in coaching or therapy or you just want to get a little more help, go to my website at drzoeshaw.com or any of my social medias at the handle Dr. Zoe Shaw. Join my free newsletter by texting the word join to 38470. I look forward to speaking with you wonderful ladies on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman, with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletter To get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of The Dr. Zoe Show.