050: When Your Husband Isn’t the Father You Imagined He Would Be - Helping Your Husband Part...

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a life and relationship coach and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. My passion is helping women find their superpower, learn to embrace it, and share it with the world. So connect with me by texting the word join to 38470, or go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. I am really enjoying hearing from you ladies who are loving the podcast. It means so much to me because I make this podcast every week with you in mind. And I'm totally serious about that. I think about you guys. I'm trying to create content that I think is helpful for you. So please continue to reach out. Let me know if there's a particular show topic that you want to hear me take on or tackle. And I'm always excited to work with you ladies who find me through my podcast. I'm literally humbled by the amount of pain that some of you carry, and I'm truly excited to work with you and see some breakthroughs and transformations. Yes. Love those. So the show topic today is when your husband isn't the father you imagined he would be. So we'll get to that in just a minute. We're going to start first with my weekly Superwoman win and Superwoman fail. So my win really is my son's win, but my kiddo's win is mine too. So I'm sharing it this past weekend. I was able to watch my son perform on the big stage where it was definitely a super proud mommy moment. He's a singer, a budding singer, and he's just started getting gigs. And he opened in concert for Air Supply on Saturday, and he did such a great job. He's 16 and he's turning into a man. If you could see my face right now, it's like a bittersweet one, but watching him walk out, his passion, it feels like a win to me too. And this hasn't been, and it's not going to be an easy path for him. There's been a lot of doubt and late night cheerleading sessions, but he has movement and that's a really great thing. And the reality is none of us like to see our kids struggle. And as parents, we want our kids to succeed. So it is a bit of a struggle as a mama to know the direction that he's going in and that it's, I mean, he's obviously going to college and he's going to get his degree, but. The career he really wants to be in is not a stable or guaranteed career. And so there is going to be struggle involved, but also watching your kid walk out his passion, even though it's scary, is absolutely phenomenal. So that's my win, proud mommy moment. So this fail that I'm about to tell you is proof that we can all probably go a little too far in reliance on our devices and technology. So I'm gonna try not to be TMI here, but we're mostly ladies, right? I know you— I know there's some men out there that listen, but mostly we're ladies. So I've been tracking my period for years on this period tracking app. I live by this app because it tells me when my periods are coming and it has learned me over the years and it's totally accurate. And I was, I guess, I guess it was a week and a half ago or something. So I was feeling like I was getting ready to get my period. And so I checked my app, which is what I usually do to see when it was coming. And my app said that it was 30 days late or 30+ days late. So I kind of freaked a little and I'm sitting there going, okay, when did I have my last period? Did I have it last month? Now I can't remember. I always record it. So I can't imagine that I would've had it and didn't record it because I always do. And I literally worked myself into a frenzy. I'm thinking, am I in early menopause? Could I be pregnant? Do I have some weird disorder? So I took a pregnancy test. Oh my gosh. Okay. That's negative. And I kind of knew that it couldn't be the case that I was pregnant, but when you start to freak, you just totally throw logic out the window. So anyway, I scheduled a doctor's appointment and I had my doctor do this whole workup and it turns out I'm fine. I did end up getting my period and apparently there was some kind of glitch in the app and something didn't get recorded. So I'm not dying. I'm not pregnant and I'm not in menopause. But I did waste a lot of money and I lost a lot of time because I over-relied on my technology. And so there's my Superwoman fail. Sometimes you just have to use your darn brain and not rely on technology so much. And if I wasn't so freaked out about it, I would have remembered that I probably did get my period and everything's perfectly fine. So I guess it wasn't such a bad experience and I'm willing to go back to pen and paper, but. There you go. My Superwoman feel. So onto the main topic, when your husband isn't the father you imagined he would be. If you haven't listened to episode 49, you might want to go back to check that out. I spoke with Clint Edwards about this topic, and I just wanted to talk about it more because it's a deep one that many women have struggled with, including myself. And I thought it was really great to hear Clint, a man's perspective on parenting from a place of not knowing, but I really want to encourage you women regarding how to deal when you're feeling let down, when you're feeling frustrated or exhausted and sad for yourself and sad for your kids because your husband just isn't the father you wish he would be. So here's some help for you ladies, and maybe you can share Clint's episode with your husband, but this one's for you. And it's also partially inspired by a question that I got from a listener. So I'm going to read the question. Real quickly. Hi, Dr. Zoe. I listened to your Clint Edwards episode last week and I enjoyed it, and I'm hoping for some more guidance. I see some similarities between Clint and my husband, and I'd like to get some help regarding getting him to be more connected with the kids. My husband's dad died before he was 1 year old and his mom remarried when he was 8 years old. His stepfather was not physically abusive or anything like that, But he was and is a serial cheater and basically neglected my husband as a child. Just one example is that my husband was given a bike one year for his birthday or Christmas, but no one taught him how to ride it. He ended up teaching himself how to ride with me by his side just prior to teaching our boys how to ride. So he taught the boys how to ride. He buys them tons of toys. He treats me well, but I think there's still a lot lacking on the emotional side and him just having a true connection with the kids. After listening to the Clint Edwards episode, I think my husband probably thinks he's doing good because he did better than his stepfather, but I still see room for improvement. How can I encourage him in this area without nagging and without damaging our own relationship? Wow, that's a fantastic question. And you are exactly the person that I was wanting to do Clint's episode for. And this episode 4. So first, I just want to say that I can totally relate to that because my father had a very absent father. My dad's parents got divorced early on in his life, and his father moved. They weren't close in proximity. And from what I understand, there was not much of a relationship at all. And he ended up Spending summers with my grandfather and his third wife at that time, and just didn't have an example at all of what a good, healthy father-son relationship or father-child relationship should be like. And my dad loved my mom a lot. And, you know, they stayed married forever until he passed away. And my dad was an excellent provider, but I know that Because he didn't get that example, he missed an opportunity for a true relationship with his kids. And if you listen to my, I think my sister and I talked about this on our episode, I believe we did. My dad was an awesome man, a wonderful man, but he and I just didn't really have a relationship because he never knew how to foster that. And my husband is the same. My husband grew up without a father. He did have a stepfather who was actually very physically and verbally abusive. And getting married, you know, you have this expectation of what you think your husband is gonna be as a father. And then I've recognized, of course, because I'm a therapist and so I see dynamics and recognize a lot of what he lost. And very much my husband feels like I'm, you know, doing this great job as dad because I'm better than what I had. But if you only, you know, seek to be better than what you had, if what you had was amazing, that's awesome. But if what you had sucked, You're still not doing a good job. And so I know that there are a lot of women out there that are struggling with this. And so that is why I am going to talk about that today. First, I want you to ponder these questions as we dive into this show. I want you to think about if you do any of these things. I got these questions from Sarah Horn on 5 ways to encourage your husband as a dad. Do you correct your husband constantly? Even when he does something that isn't wrong, but not the way you do it? When you ask your husband to do something, do you use the same tone that you use with your kids when you're telling them to put the toys away? I'm kind of guilty of that sometimes. I'm like, ouch. Remember the, how do you know if you're grown? I'm like, I'm going to be saying ouch again. When your husband does help with something like putting the dishes away or cleaning up the kitchen, do you go behind him and fix it? Because he hasn't done it the way you do it? And last, do you talk badly about your husband in front of or to your children? Do your kids say the same kinds of things to their dad? So I want you to ponder these questions, ladies, not because I'm blaming you, because it's not your fault that your husband isn't the father he should be, but because these are some of the ways that you could be contributing to him not picking up the ball. Now remember, I can't change him. And I can't change you either, but I'm talking to you. And the only way that we as women, as humans, can create change in our relationships is by changing the way that we're relating. So here are some tips. These are things that you can do to create some change. First, as a base, I do want you to embrace the different communication styles of your husband. Now hang in there because I'm not only going to tell you to accept everything he does. That's not the point of this episode. We'll get to more, but first you do have to reframe some stuff. Remember, fathers tend to bond with their kids by playing and mothers tend to bond with their kids by talking. So you do need to get rid of the expectation that he has to do it your way for it to be the right way. That's not true. His way can also be the right way. And so you do need to give him some space. Did you ever see that movie? This is Doubtfire. I feel so much for the woman in that movie. Her ex-husband, who was Robin Williams, the late Robin Williams, he was so immature. Totally immature. And he was more like a kid. And she ended up having to be the disciplinarian and the adult, and the kids just adored him and he bonded well with him, but he wasn't the dad he needed to be. And she had no respect for him. Literally, the dude had to dress up like a woman and pretend to be a nanny before she would respect him. Now, of course, this is a movie and in real life, none of that would work, but I just want you to think about that a little bit. You have to give him some space to be the dad that he wants to be, and you have to respect that. Now, the reality is that Robin Williams' character, Mr. Doubtfire, whatever his actual name was, did need to step up, and he eventually did. And so I'm not saying he doesn't. I just wanted to say all of that first for some perspective. So now here are a few things that you can do to address your situation. And of course, all that pain that you have that's attached to it, because, you know, I also want you to remember that your pain from whatever childhood issues you might have from your father or your parenting also gets triggered when you watch your husband as a father. And there are certainly some things that you are also projecting onto your husband because of your experiences. So don't act like it's all a clean slate. You're definitely projecting too, and understanding your issues regarding your father can be helpful too. So you do need to respect his parenting style, but if his parenting style means that he does basically nothing and you do all the parenting, that's not going to fly either. We know that. And so I want you to understand, of course, that it's not healthy for the mom to do all the parenting and for the father to have very little interaction with your kids. You already know that. That's why you're asking these questions. And that's probably why you're listening to this episode. So what can you do? One, Praise him. I can't say this enough. Praise, praise, praise your father, your husband. Now you may be thinking, okay, look, he can barely change a diaper. He can barely take my kid for a walk. I know, I know that. But let me tell you about something called successive approximations. Those are 2 big words, and here's what it means. Basically, research has shown that when you reward someone for an action close to the desired action and you continue rewarding for steps taken towards your desired action, You'll create that action and it will be strongly enforced. Okay. I hope that made sense. Let me give a real-life example. So you want your husband to take your son to the park regularly to play ball. You can try nagging him to do that, right? Good luck. Or you can try rewarding successive approximations. So you notice your son comes home from school and your husband asks him, how was your day? The next time you speak to your husband, say something like, I really love that you take time to ask him how his day was. I know that must mean so much to him that his father takes an interest in him and you're just a really great dad. Now, some of this might feel like it's total lies for you. It's okay. Boom, you drop the mic. Your goal is for your husband to play ball with your son, but you start with encouraging him to take an interest in your son because that's the first step towards doing something like that. With all due respect to men, because they deserve it, and I'm not trying to be demeaning in this comment whatsoever, but Men eat this stuff up. You cannot, I repeat, cannot overstroke his ego. Also, men tend to not have a radar for being over the top when it comes to stroking their ego. They can't hear even the lack of sincerity sometimes. We have that. We can be like, oh, you know, they're brown-nosing or whatever. We have that concept or understanding when it comes to stroking our ego. They just don't. So for you, it might sound fake, but for them, they hear what? I did something amazing. I did something right. Let me do more. It's how their brains are wired. They will be inspired to do more when you praise. They're also wired to complete tasks, but when they feel not good enough, when they feel demeaned, when they feel that there's nothing that they can do to make you happy, they will also give up. So if you combine a task request with an ego stroke, you're going to hit it out of the ballpark. So you keep noticing and encouraging what you do want. You stop complaining about what you don't want. And after a while, you can throw that suggestion to him to take your son to the park and play ball. And before you know it, your hubby will be doing exactly what you nagged him to do for years or a year and got nothing. Now, with the utmost respect to you as women, if you want to see results, you need to do this. Most men Will respond to it. But if you just want to complain that this is archaic and you shouldn't have to resort to encouraging and supporting your husband in this way, that it feels fake, then continue doing what you're doing and see how that's working for you. And by the way, this whole deal takes practice and continued maintenance. You can't just do it one day and fix the problem. If your husband told you that he loved you like last year, Or that you were beautiful last year, that's not doing much for you today or even last month. So you have to make sure that this becomes a normal practice that you have to focus and recognize when he does something good. When he makes an approximation, you encourage it, encourage it, stroke it, and then you can make little requests to do more. Now, something else I think would be a really great idea is for you to encourage your husband to share stories about his father. As he shares these stories, you might even wanna put into words, if your husband hasn't already put these into words, you are doing a better job than he is. And that's another kind of ego stroke. He's gonna wanna hear that because it is true, possibly if you're in this situation. But then I also wanna say, or I also want you to ask him, what do you think a great dad would do if your dad or if your stepdad dad, or, you know, maybe if he didn't have one, what kinds of things did you want him to do with you? Now, the reality is the questioner who asked me this question, her husband's doing those things. And we tend to do have that feeling like, okay, if we do that thing that we thought we missed as a child, then we're going to be the perfect dad. The reality is there's so much more, so much more. And that's what you need to start imparting on your husband, that you're doing a great job. You're doing better than your father did. But what more could you do? And do it from a place of dreaming. Have him start thinking about that. And did your father do this with you? Did he do that with you? Would you wanted him to do that with you? Imagine what that would've been like. And that way you're not saying you're not doing this with our kids. I wish you would do this more with our kids. You're actually getting him to start thinking about the process of being a dad and the choices he's making as a father, because sometimes. He's not, he's not thinking about that. He's just thinking I'm doing better than I did before. So another thing that you can do is seek out his advice and preferences and respect it. Now I can say, looking back on my early mothering, I didn't do this with my husband. And I think it damaged probably our relationship. And it also probably prevented him from being as involved with the kids as I wanted, and he could have benefited from. Don't squeeze your husband out of the parenting. And I know that I did this from a place of, I didn't have an involved father. So it wasn't natural or normal for me even to expect my husband to be an involved father. Although I wanted it emotionally, I wanted it logically. I didn't have any idea how to encourage that. And I actually did actions that discouraged it because it was normal for me. For him not to be involved and for me to assume that I make all those choices and decisions and that I would be more hands-on and that wasn't okay. So this is what you need to make sure you're doing. Don't squeeze him out of the parenting. If you want him to be a partner, treat him like one. Even if he's not acting like the partner, you treat him like he is the equal partner that you want him to be. And of course, this is assuming that he's not verbally or emotionally or otherwise abusive, but you need to respect his desires. So if there's certain things that he wants to do as a father that you don't, you know, necessarily agree with, you need to start talking with him and treating him like a partner. If your husband doesn't want the kids to sleep in the bed, this was an issue with us, you need to respect that and figure out how to not make that happen. And so ask your husband, what do you envision for our family? How do you want to structure things? And what do you want to do differently with the kids? And if he feels that he has jurisdiction in these areas, then he'll begin to own that and he will begin to be more involved. But you've got to hand over some of those reins and give it back to him. If you continue to make sure that you are consulting him and talking to him, not just about general decisions, but even just the parenting stuff, he'll start to take on more ownership of it. Now, if none of this is working or your husband is just unwilling, And I know that that happens sometimes. Schedule regular family activities. So this gives the kids and your hubby time to spend together without pressure. So you need to start scheduling this. And as the relationship deepens, he'll naturally seek out more connection with your kids. And you know what? It's okay to schedule those one-on-ones too. Like, you know what? I'm going on dates with the kids, you know, weekly, and we're going to schedule Into your schedule, hubby, you're going to start having individual time and dates with the kids. So when would be a great time for me to put that on the schedule? Those are the kinds of questions you're going to ask him, because once again, you are assuming that he's going to take on that parental role that you want him to take on. And in that assumption, you're going to start creating action for that. So you need to literally talk to him like that and expect that he's going to step up. So those are the little tips that I have. I know that this is a difficult, difficult journey. I want you to know that you are not the only one that is struggling with this. And it's so important that you continue the conversations and you do it in an encouraging way. Encourage your husband, recognize that he does want to be a good father. He literally doesn't have the tools. Another great thing that Clint talked about is that men don't like to read that much. I mean, not the way that we do in terms of self-help. And so I would say, hey, get some Audible stuff, send your, your husband a podcast, text it to him, email it to him, start to send information his way, probably not reading, but audiobooks and podcasts that he can listen to about really being a great dad. And there's lots of information out there. So it's difficult, but you've got this. Please continue to reach out, continue to seek help in this area. Next up, health tip. Our minds and our bodies are intimately connected, and that is why I have a health tip segment. So stop the comparisons, ladies. So here's my health tip. And remember, you got to go do your own research. Always do that. So now the word is out that too much garlic is bad for you. Have you guys heard this? Yes. I have to tell you, this made me very sad and pretty angry, and I keep trying to find information to the contrary, and there is, it's out there. I happen to be one of those people who just loves garlic, and back when I was eating butter, I would mince it up, the garlic, and spread it on toast with butter. And I think that garlic added to almost any dish just makes the world a better place. So when I started reading about garlic and how detrimental it could be, I got very, very sad. But I decided to make a decision about my health based on logic, not emotion. Yes, we gotta do that. So here's the good things about garlic. I'm gonna give you the positive and the negative, and then I'm gonna tell you kind of what decision I've made. So good things about garlic is that it reduces blood pressure, cholesterol, it's antibacterial and it's antifungal. It may help with Alzheimer's disease. What? That's awesome. It may detoxify heavy metal in the body and it improves bone health. So then why could any of that be bad for you? Seriously, garlic produces a chemical called allicin, and all alliums produce a sulfuric molecule that's small and light enough to literally launch itself from the cut vegetable, fly through the air, and attack our eyes and nasal passages, just like onions. I mean, you know, you cut onions and that stuff, I mean, it goes through the air, gets into your mucous membranes. Now garlic has been used as a medicine historically, and it's used presently by Ayurvedic doctors, but they don't suggest eating it as a food. Hmm. And the reason is because it is a broad spectrum antibiotic. So it kills not only the bad germs, but also the good bacteria. Garlic actually acts like a neurotoxin. And although it can make you physically stronger in the short term, it does affect your decision-making. It literally kills some brain cells, and research has demonstrated that it clouds the brain and it reduces reaction time. And for this reason, fighter pilots have been asked not to fly soon after eating garlic. So some people, of course, are more sensitive to its negative effects than others. So you do want to pay attention to how it affects your body. If you consume a lot of onions and garlic, maybe you want to stop and see if you notice a difference. But it does have some negative effects on the body despite the positive effects that it can have as well. So in summary, I will never turn down a meal because it has some garlic in it, but I also won't go out of my way to add it to foods like I used to. I won't be intentional to consume it in large quantities unless I'm sick, then I can use it as a medicine, but won't put it in my body in large quantities regularly. So there's my tip. Now you go out and you search it for yourself and decide what you think about it. Next up, Real Talk. Real Talk is back, y'all. I'm so excited. So this is Real Talk where I answer questions from my listeners and I share my own musings and encouragement. Please reach out if you have some questions you'd like me to address on the show. All questions are anonymous. I take your confidentiality seriously as if you were my own client. You can email questions to zoe@drzoeshaw.com or connect with me on any of my social medias at the same handle. This question This question was curated from my column at thegrittengraceproject.org. You can always submit your questions directly to them or me. I already told you how to do that. It's blended families. Here's the question. I seem to have a mess of questions lately. Most all revolve around my blended family where children are raised in 2 households. I'd like to know how to thrive, not only survive, Although surviving seems to be the best I can do some days. One of my questions I have is how to handle the thing a stepchild who's 9 years old brings into my home that I'm not comfortable with, or how I'm parenting my biological child who's 3. Specifically, things like violent video games allowed for the stepchild that I don't allow for my own. I know that as they grow older, there will only be more instances in which I have to explain why one child is permitted some things that the other is not. Can you provide any insight on how to have these conversations in an honest and positive manner to create understanding, not resentment? A mom trying to figure it out. Hi, a mom trying to figure it out. Good question. Good question. And I love that you use that word thrive because that's exactly what we're supposed to be doing in this season of our life, thriving. And it's a great question because it's such a common issue that needs to get resolved. Step parenting is not for weaklings. And I know that this question has some pain and fear behind it. So I do want you to give yourself a pat on the back for even asking it. So to me, it seems that your problem may be more about the age gap and less about the step relationship, which I think is great news. Since there's a 6-year age gap between your bio child and your stepchild, I think it actually makes this whole deal a lot easier than if you had stepchildren that were all very close in age. First, This is your home and there should never be a time when your stepchild has different rules than you would have for your biological child at the same age. And that's super important because you cannot have cohesiveness in a family if the rules are different for everybody. That really does create chaos and division. So here's a couple of tips that should answer your question and hopefully make your life a little easier. One, you and your husband need to sit down and you need to create a set of rules for your family for different ages. For example, 12-year-olds can have a cell phone, but 5-year-olds can't. Even in my family that's not blended, we have a rule like that. Like I said, you need to make your rules universal for all kids in your family. It is necessary and okay to have different rules at your house than your stepson has at his other home. And as long as your rules are consistent and the other house's rules are spoken about with respect, children learn that super quickly. They adapt. If you think about, I mean, a lot of parents have this idea that, oh, you know, it's going to be so different. Kids adapt very quickly and they adapt in all parts of their lives. So when your kids are at school, they have different rules than they have at your house. And that's okay. They figured out at school, I can do this, at home, I can do this. Same deal with everywhere else they go. So it's really not that big of a deal. Unless we make it a big deal. And I think when it comes to blended families, a lot of it is we as parents, Getting really concerned and caught up in the whole fairness deal and we making a big deal about it. So when it comes to identity, when it comes to a lot of things with blended families, it starts from the top down. And when we are okay with it, our kids tend to be okay with it. When kids realize that the different rules are about their maturity rather than stepfamily status, then jealousy tends to go away. At least I should say jealousy about stepfamily stuff. Kids are, you know, siblings are often jealous of each other for various reasons, but everything will flow much better. So this does mean that you need to think long and hard about how you feel about the video games in general, and you need to make decisions with your husband about those family rules. And those are ones that are going to be applied to all the kids. So if this means that his son won't be able to play certain games at your house, that's okay. Or it might just mean that he's not allowed to play them when your younger kid is around. So I have that situation in my house. I have a 16-year-old, almost 17, and I have a 4-year-old. 5-year-old. Now my 16-year-old, I don't really police him that much in terms of his video games or what he watches on TV. I mean, literally he's going to be in college next year and he's beginning to take ownership of that for himself. But he does know that as part of our family, as an active member of our family, our job is to protect and support our younger ones. And that our job is to protect them, not just physically, but also emotionally and psychologically. And so he knows that there's certain things he can't watch around my daughter. He can't. He doesn't love it. You know, if we're all somewhere and I'm like, hey, gotta turn it off, dude. He's, you know, doesn't like it, but he understands and he respects it. And then sometimes they will come to me and say, hey, Ziggy can't watch this, or they are actually taking ownership of that. So it's okay to make that rule. And it's actually good for your kids because they learn to protect the younger ones. So now it's time to sit down and have the conversation with your children, explaining that there are different privileges that go along with different ages and that it applies to everyone in the household. I would steer clear of making this a blended extended family issue, 'cause it's not really at this point. And also when you speak to each child privately about the rules, play it up how cool it is to be their age. So, you know, 3-year-olds might not be able to play the same game as 12-year-olds, but 3-year-olds can still have piggyback rides and 12-year-olds are too big for that. And when you speak to your 12-year-old, make sure that you play up the fact that he, you know, he's got privileges that his 3-year-old sibling doesn't. And so that also helps them to get a feeling Of, you know, being proud and excited for who they are and where they are in their life and a feeling of self-confidence. So that's good. And finally, provide him with some fun alternatives to violent video games or other activities if you're not going to allow them in your home. I hope that's helpful. Step relationships are tough, but you've got this. So thanks for tuning into the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss a show. And if you're interested in coaching or therapy, or you just wanna get a little more help, Go to my website at drzoeshaw.com or any of my social medias at the handle Dr. Zoe Shaw. Join my free newsletter by texting the word join to 38470, and I look forward to speaking with you wonderful ladies on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.

You've been listening to The Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman, with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of the Dr. Zoe Show.