103: Accepting Your Dark Side | Dr. Zoe Shaw

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Hey there, welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed psychotherapist. I'm a life and relationship coach and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. Connect with me by texting the word join to 38470. The topic of today's show is getting to know your shadow. Sounds kind of creepy, which maybe is appropriate for this time of year. It's almost Halloween, but by the time you hear this, it'll be after Halloween. But first, my win and my fail. So my win is that I got a massage and my snoring woke me up in the middle of it. Notice I said this is a win, not a fail. And it's a win because I didn't care. Now, 5 to 10 years ago, I would've been mortified. It would've ruined my massage. But the beauty of getting older, of aging and wisdom and self-acceptance is that You learn to shed all that stuff. I mean, really, I am shedding it. And honestly, you can't do it soon enough. Now, of course, there does have to be a limit because we do know that we don't want to be that old woman with no filter or common decency, but you get the picture. I was there for a massage. I was supposed to be relaxing. I fell asleep and I snored. Nothing wrong with that. So my win is that I release self-judgment. Okay, so my fail. I have a big one for me. I double booked. Now, if I say the word double booked to a group of therapists, there is going to be an audible groan because it is absolutely the very worst feeling in the world to open up the door to your lobby and to see 2 clients sitting there. Now there's only one of me and there's 2 of them. It feels horrible and it's usually my fault. I've done it a handful of times, maybe not even a handful, a couple in my career, and it does not feel good. So I did it. I messed up. I had a regular. I must have scheduled somebody in. I mean, I'm scheduling people all the time. I have an auto scheduler even. And my fail is that I messed up. And in doing that, I know that I did some damage maybe to the therapeutic relationship. It certainly was frustrating for the client that I couldn't see that night, but as horrible as I felt, I had to enact some self-talk and remind myself that I am human and I do the absolute very best I can, and sometimes I mess up. So there's my fail and there's the reality of it. There's no necessarily tying it in a beautiful bow. It's just acknowledging the reality that sometimes we're going to do that. So onto getting to know your shadow. What does that mean? We're gonna get real and dive into that. So a strong woman must be willing to examine and evaluate all sides of herself. It's part of why I do the win and the fail. And today I'm gonna talk about the stuff that we don't talk about so much, the parts we keep hidden, those aspects of our personalities that we don't always want to acknowledge. Our shadow selves. When our shadow rears her head and we can't help but see her, we often deny, defend, or otherwise ignore her. And so we're going to talk about our shadow today because first, no one is perfect. We all have a shadow side. Yes, even you. So what is the shadow? According to Jung and Scott Jeffrey, who wrote about Jung, The shadow is the dark side of our personality because it consists chiefly of primitive, negative human emotions and impulses like rage, envy, greed, selfishness, desire, and the striving for power. All of that we deny in ourselves. Basically, whatever we perceive as inferior, evil, or unacceptable become part of the shadow. Now, that's the psychological definition, but let's get real here. The shadow side is the part of you that thinks about killing your husband when you're seething angry because he did that thing again. The shadow side of you is the part of you that's insanely jealous of your best friend, who you also love like crazy, but you secretly find yourself hoping she fails. The shadow side is the part of you that sabotages yet another relationship because you don't really believe that you deserve love. The shadow side is the part of you that wants to shout out nasty comments, or maybe the part of you that does anonymously on social media. Or as Diana Rabb described so accurately, she's the one who thinks about making love to everyone you find sexy. That's the shadow part of you, and that's who we're going to get acquainted with today. So let's first talk about how the shadow is created psychologically. We all know that we have basic needs, and these needs include physiological ones, safety and security needs, and of course, need for belonging and love. And these needs are biological and instinctual. And every kid, just like adults, have feelings of anger, selfishness, greed, negative emotions. These emotions are part of our shared humanity, but as we grow up, something happens. Our interactions with our caregivers, usually our parents, begin to teach us that when we express certain parts of ourselves, we're considered bad or they reject us. Sometimes a global rejection or sometimes micro rejections, but more positive feelings are being good and we feel accepted and loved. Now, I know that there's also a spiritual component to our shadows. We humans have an innate desire to be connected with God, and yet we also have a human nature, and these things don't coexist very well. So we delegate our shadow to the unconscious so that we can feel worthy. And of course, we usually deny that shadow part of ourselves. The negative consequence is that if we deny it, then it leaves us with no option to take action. So we're denying something, which means we pretend it's not there. So there's nothing to do. And so it can grow, or so it can kind of morph into something very unhealthy. When we acknowledge something, then there's actually an imperative for action, which is why denial is such a strong defense mechanism. It totally works. It works in the present because we don't have to do anything. Long-term, of course, not so much. We know long-term denial hurts us. And I used to think that it was just me that struggled with things, that had character flaws that I was ashamed about, or deficits that I'd rather not look at. And although my academic knowledge told me that it wasn't true, my emotional world wasn't so sure. Maybe I was the only one. But after working with clients for 20 years, often very functional, sometimes exceptionally successful, productive, upstanding citizens and leaders, I realized that no, it's everyone. Some of us are better at hiding our shadow than others. But I don't know if these people are any better off because of it. In fact, I've learned that the ones who are the best at hiding their shadows often have the highest incident of dis-ease and dysfunction, not disease, but dis-ease. So we all have one and we all need to acknowledge it, but please be clear that talking about it and acknowledging it won't make it grow. In fact, it'll do the opposite. Now, Jungian therapy described this part of ourselves as our shadow, of course, but we could also just characterize it as human nature. So if you're not super clear on what your shadow parts are, Jung said that one way to think about what your shadow parts are is to think of what irritates you the most in other people. Then the idea is to accept that those same characteristics are also true of yourself. Sometimes that's hard, and it's a tough exercise because you might notice that you've avoided for years a part of yourself that you don't like or you're not proud of. Jung also said that it's super important to get in touch with your shadow because it allows you to release pent-up negative energy that you can now use in healthy ways. So think about this: shadow is dark, right? Mm-hmm. And light is bright. It illuminates. Diane Raab said this so beautifully: In order for us to heal or have transformation, it's important for you to bring your shadow into the light. And she also said that there is great transformative power in facing your shadow and shedding the light on it. And in her book, Writing for Bliss, she talks about how writing can be a great vehicle for understanding your shadow. So I talked a little earlier about, like, if you get irritated by somebody, right? That, that can sometimes be an issue that you have. Another way to think about it is if you have a strong emotional reaction to some person or behavior, that it's possible that you're projecting your stuff onto them. So you've probably heard the Shakespeare from Hamlet, the Shakespeare line of methinks the lady doth protest too much. So for an example, a person who calls somebody else judgmental is likely to actually be very judgmental themselves. So here's the reality. The shadow is part of our humanity. The goal is not to get rid of it, but to integrate it in a healthy way. The shadow part is really primordially authentic, which means it speaks its mind. It's not silenced. And so that's actually the place where your creativity exists. So I'm not trying to get too psychological on you, but our shadow can also be described as the id that Freud described, which is all drive and desire. But we have a superego, which I also believe is connected to our conscience, and that can direct our drives into healthier paths. So we don't wanna get rid of it. We wanna acknowledge it to keep us healthy as strong women. But how do we do this? So here's an exercise. It's partly taken from Diane Rabb, from her book, but I've kind of changed it a little bit, and I read it in her book, Writing for Bliss. So she talks about something called evoking the shadow, and that might sound a little far-fetched. So let's just get real and down to earth about it. Take a minute and write down all the things about yourself about which you're ashamed. Be real. All those things you've never told anyone, or those things that you've told very few people. If you've told a number of people, don't waste your ink. You've already acknowledged it. I'm talking about the ones you don't really want to look at. Write it down. Don't worry. You can tear it up later and you should. Don't put it in your computer or phone. I want pen to paper. Now, acknowledge that those are drives, desires, temptations, feelings, and thoughts that are real about you. Tell yourself, number 1, these express my humanity. Number 2, these were created for a reason. We'll have to get into that in a whole nother podcast. Number 3, I am releasing all my judgment. about these things. Number 4: I am more than my shadow parts. Number 5: I choose who I am by my actions this day moving forward. Number 6: I will use my shadow drives as energy for good, not destruction. And then I want you to make a sub-list about how you might do that, how you can use those drives for energy. Number 7: I accept all of me. That's it. Do this regularly. Acceptance is freedom. Now, this might feel like I'm asking you to accept parts of yourself that really aren't functional, that aren't healthy and need to be changed. Yes, I am. I'm not saying don't change them. Actually, you need to change them, but not accepting who you are does more damage than accepting who you are and working from there. I hope that little journey on the dark side of yourself was helpful. Reach out. I'd love to hear your thoughts. So thanks for hanging with me on the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. Shows go out on Tuesdays. Please subscribe so you don't miss an episode. And I look forward to chatting with you amazing women on social throughout the week. Have a super week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of the Dr. Zoe Show.