104: Why You Feel Lonely in Your Relationship | Dr. Zoe Shaw

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Welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a life and relationship coach and a licensed psychotherapist, and I'm also a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. Connect with me by texting the word join to 38470. The topic for today's episode is when you feel lonely in your relationship. We've probably all been there at one time or another in our relationships, but if it's habitual, it's time to take it out and look at it. So that's what we're going to do today. But first, my Superwoman win and my Superwoman fail. So my win is that I spoke at a middle school last year, and I found out that a student who was in the audience when I was speaking decided that she wants to pursue psychology because of my presentation. And that's a crazy win. She and my son are actually in a theatrical class together, and she needed a ride home one day. And so I gave her a ride home, and that's when she realized that I was the therapist who came and spoke to her school. But she was actually quiet in the car. She never said anything. But later she told my son that I was the reason she decided to go into psychology. And that just warmed my heart. It's a definite win because this is definitely a season of giving back, what we should be doing in this season of our lives, you know. Once we've accomplished a certain level, it's time to start giving back. And so I love talking to the middle school students, such a great experience, and just like, just exposing them to the world of psychology and all the different areas. So it was a win, it was great. My fail, we just had Halloween and I forgot to carve the pumpkin. I bought the pumpkins, we put the pumpkins out, and my daughter was asking me like a week or so before Halloween, when are we gonna carve 'em? And I'm like, yeah, we're gonna carve 'em next weekend or whenever. I said, Plum forgot, and then it's Halloween, and I look, and oh my goodness, I don't know how that happened. So that's a definite mom fail, and I feel super guilty about it, or I should say I felt super guilty about it when I was looking at all the social media posts of everybody else's beautifully carved pumpkins. I'm not gonna lie, it's totally not my favorite thing to do. I do not like the carving. I do not like sticking my hands in the guts and getting all the pumpkin out, but it is a thing that my daughter really wanted to do and loves to do. And so we carved it, but we carved it after Halloween. And I think it was the day after Halloween, and my daughter's like, really, Mom? And I'm like, yeah! She's like, okay! So we dove in. But hey, for some things, better late than never does apply, and this is one of them. So on to our topic. Why you feel lonely in your relationships. You know, it's easy to admit that you feel lonely when you're by yourself. It's not so easy to admit, even to yourself sometimes, that you feel lonely when you're in a relationship. But it's more common than you might realize that people find themselves in long-term relationships feeling super lonely. I've been married for 25 years, and my relationship has not always been amazing or even healthy. And I have had seasons of feeling lonely, and I know that my husband did too, and it was unnecessary. Did you know that most couples sit on a therapy-worthy issue for 6 years before they seek treatment? I might've said that before on one of my episodes, but it's true. Don't do that. You can do something about it right now. So first, why? What creates loneliness in relationships to begin with? I mean, isn't that why we get with people? To not be lonely? Well, it could be that your relationship has some major issues or dysfunction. It could also be that you're expecting too much from your partner. It could be that you're not being intentional about connecting. Remember, healthy relationships, every single one of them, takes maintenance. And surprise, surprise, we've also found that comparing your relationships to those on social media, #relationshipgoals, is just not Very healthy. A 2017 study in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine found that people who spend more than 2 hours a day on social media were twice as likely to feel lonely than those who spent just half an hour a day or less. Now, of course, this could be one of those cart before the horse things. Maybe they were already lonely, and so they were spending so much time on the internet or social media, but either way, We know for sure that social media is not helping us out in this arena. Even in the best relationships, there are gonna be times of distance. Your emotional intimacy is going to wax and wane over the course of a long-term relationship. So that is to be expected. It certainly doesn't help if your husband or you have a job that takes you away often, because sometimes that could be, you know, a reason for loneliness. So how do you know if you're lonely because of the relationship, If it's an issue in the relationship or it's just you. First, you need to look at past relationships. So how have you felt in your past relationships? Have you felt lonely or is this kind of the first time? Look at the history of this relationship. Has it always been this way? My guess is probably not, or you wouldn't have stayed so long to begin with. And then you need to check out your self-talk because we often have unrealistic scripts about our relationships. And remember, you guys all know, Self-talk is everything. It influences everything about your life. So if you're saying things like, my partner is responsible for my happiness. Now, no one ever really says this to themselves, but it's like an underlying belief. And you can tell that you're saying it to yourself when you're saying things like, he just doesn't make me happy. Or you're feeling like the reason why you aren't happy in your life is because of your partner. If you're also telling yourself something similar to, my partner is responsible for fulfilling all my needs. That's a recipe for disappointment and loneliness. And we'll talk about that in a minute. So you can also just talk to your partner and find out about how they feel. See what they say. Do they feel the same way? Are they lonely? And you need to actually question, are you being honest in your relationship? Or are there a lot of things about yourself that you're not sharing in your relationship? We're going to talk about that a little bit more too. So of course the question is, I'm feeling lonely. Maybe I recognize myself in some of these things. So now what? How do I fix it? Okay. So first, the solution isn't to surround yourself with more people or better people, because actually part of the solution is to feel okay being by yourself. Because when you're feeling good about being in your relationship, when you're feeling good about your relationship, then your time with yourself is actually precious time and it doesn't make you feel lonely. So you gotta get ahold of your self-talk about relationships and you gotta challenge it. I had a client that told me when she is vulnerable or when she feels vulnerable, that's when she gives people an opportunity to hurt her. Like, this is what she believed about being vulnerable. And if this is her foundational self-talk, then her natural response in relationships is gonna be to shut down. Don't be authentic. Don't show up. As I really am. And you've probably heard me say before that when you don't show up as yourself in your relationships, when you hide parts or you try to be something you think that person wants you to be, even if the partner is loving you, you still feel unloved because we know that they're not loving the real us. And then you create another false story that the real you is unlovable. And that's a pretty lonely place to be. So go directly to your partner, write down the things that are happening in your relationship and the things that are not happening in your relationship. And then write down a third category, one that takes your relationship out of the equation. If you weren't in this relationship with anyone, what are you doing now or not doing that's contributing to your loneliness in your life? I want you to think about this C.S. Lewis quote. I love it because it really talks about our own contribution to our loneliness. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, then you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries. Avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable. So my dear friend, loneliness goes away when we connect with people from a place of vulnerability. Disconnection happens when we don't show up as our real self. And usually it's because we're protecting our real selves. So you do have to look at your relationship and take an honest look and say, is this a safe relationship to be in? Is there a reason why I'm feeling lonely? Because maybe I'm holding off parts of myself, or is it really the relationship? Is this person, I should say, actively doing things to make me feel lonely. So it's really about evaluating your situation. And if you have some questions, specific questions about this issue or any others, you can always ask me at my Ask Dr. Zoe column at the Grit and Grace Project. You can DM me, send me a message. But it's important to know that we were not meant to be lonely in relationships, and we actually weren't created to be lonely at all. We humans desire connection and need connection with other people. So if you recognize that this is you, if you see yourself in any of the things I've just been talking about, it's time to take some action. The good news is with a little bit of intention, it's all fixable. So thanks for listening to the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode. And if something feels good to you, if something resonates with you, it probably will with your friend too. So share, please. Thank you. And if you have a question, feel free to connect with me, ask your questions. I look forward to chatting with you ladies on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman, with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills For keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of The Dr. Zoe Show.