3: Surviving and thriving in Stepmotherhood - Diane Fromme

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Welcome. Hey guys, you are listening to the Dr. Zoe Show. I am your life and relationship coach for struggling superwomen. Sorry for that feed. We're trying to get that straightened here. Uh, helping you keep your mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You are a woman who is strong and capable and sometimes tired. So this show is not for superwomen who have it all together. This is for everyday women who are struggling, trying to do it all. We all struggle sometimes, and I'm here with tips, Skills, insight, and encouragement talking about things that matter to busy women, women all over the world. But if you're listening for the first time, I'm so glad that you found me. If you're listening for the fourth time, thanks for being a part of my show. Yes, I believe that you can have it all, but not all at the same time. Every woman has a superpower, and my goal as your life coach is to help you find it, embrace it, and share it with the world. As I encourage you in your struggles, share some of my own, and give you tips and advice to make your life a We are redefining your superwoman. And just for you guys who are listening on podcast, this is a live radio show, so you're sometimes going to get all the live stuff that goes on, like backbeat and fun stuff like that. But so if you're listening, you can listen here on laradionow.com every Tuesday from 12 to 1. For those who can't listen live, you can listen to my podcast on iTunes, Libsyn, and Google. You can just search for The Dr. Zoe Show: Redefining Your Superwoman. You can also subscribe— I'm sorry— to my YouTube channel, Dr. Zoe Talks, and listen to episodes there. The easiest method to contact me is to simply text the word join to 38470. I'm going to say that again. You can text the word join to 38470. That'll add you to my free monthly newsletter, and you'll get freebies, monthly tips, encouragement, and insight right into your inbox. And I promise I won't spam you. I don't sell email either. So today we have a jam-packed show. I'm going to try to get it all in. We're going to first talk about multitasking. I'm going to give some health tips about smart fitness watches. We have a wonderful guest, Diane Fromme, and she's going to be giving some great encouragement and inspiration for you blended families out there, talking about stepparenting and her book, Stepparenting the Grieving Child. Stay tuned after that for real talk. I'm going to talk about women and depression. If any of you guys are following me on my social media, I've been talking a lot this week about women and depression, and I'm going to follow up today with a question from one One of my viewers or listeners. So we are deep in summer now. We've gotten past July 4th. I've been on vacation for a couple of weeks. I went back home to Maryland, which is where I'm from. It's always really good to go back home. I was able to meet up with my high school friends. The one thing I hate about going back home though, I was there for about a week, a little over a week, and I'm not always able to see everybody. There's everybody that I want to see, and I miss seeing a couple of really dear, close friends from childhood. So that's kind of not so great, but my mom still lives in my childhood home, which is a blessing, especially as I talk to more and more of my friends. A lot of their parents have, you know, grown out of that home and moved, and when I get to go back home, it's almost like going back in time. So I have that blessing of being able to share that with my kids as well, so that's really neat. And for all you Marylanders, any of you guys in Maryland, any of you mamas in Maryland that are listening to me, I I feel you for this whole summer. I've talked to a lot of moms in Maryland and found out that Maryland has this deal now, a new law where they can't go back until after Labor Day. And so there's this super long summer compared to any other summer. It's like the longest summer ever and moms are a little frustrated trying to keep, you know, their kids entertained. And I talked a little bit about how important it is for your kids to be bored and probably all those moms in Maryland want to smack me right now. So I'm feeling you. I'm feeling you. So if you're listening, this is the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman on laradionow.com, and I am going to talk about multitasking. Any of you guys that know me know that I'm a multitasker. It's how I get stuff done. I work out and listen to audiobooks, not music. I actually write most of my blogs while I'm driving. No, I'm not writing, but I talk into my— well, now my watch— to record things that I want to write. But there's a lot of research out there that multitasking doesn't actually work. This isn't new research. It's been maybe in the early 2000s. Research has come out that multitasking doesn't work, that we're not as productive as we think that we are. This really kind of makes me sad because I love multitasking. But Psychology Today just came out with even newer research that actually 2.5% of the population can multitask. Now, of course, I'd like to believe that I'm one of that 2.5%, although I'm probably not. But I'm pretty sure that they're all women Because we all know that men can't multitask. No offense, men. It's just one of those realities. So what does that research mean for you? Well, it basically means that you can't multitask either, likely, which like I said, makes me very sad. But what's important is that as, as busy women, we do need to multitask. So I'm going to tell you a little bit about a multitask fail that I had not too long ago. I was walking outside of Best Buy with my daughter and She was playing. She's my four-year-old daughter, and she was playing this game, which is close. I'm going to close my eyes, mom, and trust you, and you're going to hold my hand, or you're going to direct me where to go. So we're playing the game, and then she said, "Okay, I'm going to open my eyes now." So I said, "Okay," and then I got a call. So I'm on my phone. I think I'm talking to my sister, and my daughter was talking to me. I probably wasn't paying attention because I was multitasking, trying to actually watch my daughter and talk on the phone, and I probably said, "Uh huh," or something like that. Next thing I know, my daughter walks. straight into a car headfirst, and she started crying. And I said, what are you doing? Why did you just walk right into the car? It was right in front of you. And she said, Mom, I told you my eyes were closed. You were supposed to be directing me. Okay, so I felt horrible, of course, and my first thought is I've just destroyed my daughter's trust in me forever. And then I On the bright side, I am a therapist. I can reframe things. My second thought was, okay, my daughter just learned a very valuable lesson. I did too. I can't multitask. But the other— the lesson she learned is, number one, of course you shouldn't really be walking in a parking lot with your eyes closed. The second thing she learned is one that I try to communicate with my couples in therapy, is that when it comes to communication, it doesn't matter what you say. What matters is what's heard. And so you need to always make sure that when you're communicating with somebody, they actually hear what you're trying to The beauty is, is that it didn't ruin my relationship with my daughter. We were able to talk about it and I apologized. And anyway, back to multitasking. The point is, is that if you're doing something really important like heart surgery or actually watching your children and your children's safety is at stake, don't multitask. But as busy mamas, we've got to get stuff done. And if 90% Well, actually, here's the research. When you're multitasking, your productivity gets reduced by 10% or more. But of course, what we know is that as moms, when we multitask, we can get 90% more done if we multitask. So if you're making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, if you're doing laundry, please do multitask. We need to, to get the job done. But if your productivity is really important, don't. Basically, that's the rule. Okay, guys. So I'd like to hear a little bit about how you guys feel and experience your multitasking. Any multitasking fails you want to share, you can connect with me at Zoe at DrZoeShaw.com. You can also check me out on Instagram. I love to communicate with people on Instagram. So next up. Is health tips. So today what I'm going to be talking about is smartwatches. Do we need them? Does anybody need a smartwatch? No, not really. But I love, I love smartwatches and I love fitness watches. And so I do, you know, the smart— I should say I do the research for you guys so you don't have to do it. And when it comes to health, of course What matters is that our brains and our bodies are connected, and it's important to remember that. So one health in one area cannot happen unless there's health in both areas. So I'm going to talk to you guys a little bit about smartwatches. My favorite watch is right now; it's the Apple Watch, but it's actually not a fitness watch. So the biggest reviews right now have shown that the Fitbit Blaze. The Apple Watch and the Samsung Gear 2 are kind of the top 3 in fitness watches or fitness tracking smartwatches. I'm going to talk to you a little bit about the Fitbit Blaze, which has always been my kind of absolute favorite. And the thing about the Fitbit Blaze, the price is about $200, and I'm gonna So, all the Fitbits are awesome. The Fitbit was my very first introduction into the fitness watch deal. And the awesome thing about it is that as a fitness device, I would say it's top-notch. It can't really compete with any other watches. It has the best auto-sleep detection, which means it actually knows when you're sleeping and when you aren't. If you go take a nap, the Fitbit knows and it will track it, which is awesome. It also tracks, of course, your workouts automatically. So, if you forget to tell it, oh, I'm running, or, oh, I'm working out, it will know that. It will track it. And it will download it, which I love. The battery in the Fitbit Blaze lasts forever. I personally, when I had it, I showered and I would charge it in the shower, and so then I could really wear it 24/7 as long as I charged it every time I was in the shower because that was all the time it needed to be able to continue to charge. You have exchangeable bands with the Fitbit watch. They have some really cute bands. The problem as a smartwatch is that it lacks all of the apps like the Apple Watch and Samsung Gear. Have now they are planning to change this a little bit, so coming up there will be a new Fitbit Blaze. But right now it just doesn't have the apps. So if all you want is fitness, I would say hands down it's the Fitbit Blaze. It also tracks your heart rate, of course, and it does have some other wonderful workout apps, so it can help you do a workout. You can say I want to do a ten-minute workout, and it'll walk you through it, which is really great. So the Apple Watch, the Apple Watch is a wonderful smartwatch. It's Pretty good with fitness. It tracks steps, calories, time standing, and sleep. But you have to get really a separate sleep app for it, and the sleep app is not as good as the Fitbit Blaze. It does encourage you to reach your goals. It's enough to work for me, and it's waterproof—one really wonderful factor. You can just you know stick your hand in your child's bath water or jump in the pool. You don't have to worry about it. And I also love all the apps. I can answer my. Phone from it, I can make notes, I can record my blogs, and all of that's automatically saved to my phone. So why would you need it? If you're a busy woman, it's so cool to get all of your apps right there on your wrist. My phone is not always with me, and so having my notifications, having everything right on my wrist is just amazing. So basically, I would say my overall winner in terms of a smartphone And fitness is the Apple Watch because it can do enough fitness that it's gonna track everything you need it to track. And the sleep app is amazing, by the way. You have to purchase that separately. And a lot of the Apple Watch ones you do have to purchase separately. So my overall winner is the Apple Watch, but my fitness only, if all you want is fitness, it's the Fitbit Blaze. Now, if you are a multi-marathon runner, you probably already know all this information, but the Garmin actually would be probably right for you if you're a super marathon type runner. Most, you know, most of us aren't. And so I would have to say Apple Watch for smartwatch, Fitness Blaze for fitness. You are listening to the Dr. Zoe Show on laradionow.com, and we are getting ready to go to commercial. Next up, I'm very excited to be introducing our guest, Diane Frohm. We're going to be talking about blended families, and after that, we'll be talking about women and depression. People ask me, how do you have so much energy? I am not a coffee drinker, but I love the benefits of matcha green tea. More antioxidants than coffee and a smooth energy, not the jittery kind, that lasts me all day long.

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Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe. Your life and relationship coach with encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips and advice. Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Welcome back. This is the Dr. Zoe Show and this is Dr. Zoe. I'm excited to have our guest Diane Fromme here. She is a stepmom, a biological mom, a writer since childhood, and speaker. She's fortunate to still be in relationship with her now adult stepchildren. She became inspired to write Step Parenting the Grieving Child: Cultivating Past and Present Connections with Children Who Have Lost a Parent. When she couldn't find resources to ease her own stepparent angst and help her grieving stepchildren, Diane was able to publish this book. She's also published essays in domestic and international magazines and journals, and she speaks to grief support groups, and also on the big stage as well about blended family issues. I just, I loved this book. It had so many nuggets and it's so good because the reality is that all stepkids are grieving in some way. They're not necessarily grieving the loss of a parent to death, but anytime there's loss, there's grief. And they're grieving the loss of the family unit they may have had or the loss of the dream of the one that they won't have. So I'm really excited to have Diane here. Welcome, Diane.

I'm so happy to be here. I'm very thrilled. Thank you, Dr. Zoe.

You're welcome. So I really wanted to do a stepparenting show about blended families because many of our families aren't 2-parent households with their joint biological children. We've got blended, adoptive, fosters of all kinds. And I was doing a little bit of research and 40% of new marriages are remarriages with stepchildren and 100 million Americans have a stepparent relationship. Yeah.

And when you combine that with how many children grew up in stepfamilies, you have a high percentage of the population who really understands what it is like to be, to have those losses and have lived part of that lifestyle.

Right. That makes sense. So Diane, the first thing that comes to mind when I hear of stepmother is kind of the archetypal Cinderella evil stepmother. And then I think about that the Julia Roberts movie that she did called Stepmom. That's a long time ago, but it was a really good movie. And in that movie, she kind of— she became the best friend. And of course, it all gets tied up with a beautiful bow in the end and everything's wonderful. And so the issue of jealousy and developing a relationship, all those are in both stories. But I think we know, of course, reality really lies somewhere in between, right?

Absolutely. You know, Stepmom is It is a beautiful movie. I agree with that. And it's heartbreaking because—

Yes.

I remember very clearly at the end of that movie, both of the moms, the stepmom and the bio mom, share their losses when they think about the wedding of the girl. And it, it does go to show that we can fall anywhere in between. There are some stepfamilies that launch quickly But more common, honestly, is that this takes time to form relationships, and there is no magic bullet that is going to help form that stepfamily. But a lot of pressure does fall on the stepmom, and that's why we're here today, because we're trying to let you stepmoms de-stress and give you some tips and ideas to feel like you can do this, because I did it, you can do it.

Absolutely. And Yes, when it comes to the emotional support of a family, the majority of that burden does fall on moms, and of course stepmoms are a part of that. So tell us a little bit about your story and how did you come to write this book?

Sure. Well, I joined my stepfamily when my stepkids were really young and their mom— they had passed— their moms had passed away from cancer when they were 4 and 6. So really little. Now, Brian and I got married when they were closer to 6 and 8.

Mm-hmm.

And to be a superwoman, I thought that meant to form a perfect family and to have the stepkids like me. And what I learned is that I didn't have the knowledge of stepfamily life cycle, Or of how to support grief and loss in a stepfamily. I didn't have that at my fingertips. I needed to do the research. And so I thought, great, I'll just go out and get a book to help me. And I literally was sitting in an indie bookstore in Denver, Colorado, surrounded by— I'm not kidding— probably 20 different books. Uh-huh. And some were stepparenting books, some were grief support books, but none of them pulled the 2 topics together. And it was at that moment when I was in need where I thought, huh, all right, maybe— I was a writer. I thought maybe I can write this book. And I started to research it and talk to other stepparents. Mm-hmm. And it took a long time because I had to sit with the material and let it evolve. But I figured out, yeah, I'm the right person to write this book. There was nothing out there that combined the 2 topics.

So how long had you been a stepparent when you started writing this book?

I have been a stepparent for a little over 20 years.

Wow, awesome.

And then I didn't start writing the book right away, but I did write the book on and off. I think I doubled the national average of writing your first book, but with the topic area, it is sensitive and emotional. And we all needed time to grow into our roles. So I think it took me 10 to 12 years to complete the whole thing.

That's great because I can imagine there must have been so much growth in your processes as a stepmom. And so we kind of get that, all those nuggets all throughout. That's wonderful.

Yeah, it was a great growth process.

That's great. So in reading the book, I thought it was really interesting that one of the things that you highlighted was that But the drive for women, especially because most women who are entering blended families have probably already been married, right? And I know you weren't, but most women I would say probably are. And that drive for women to finally get this marriage thing right can really create a lot of pressure on this whole, you know, already pressurized system. Can you talk a little bit about that?

Sure. And that's where that superwoman concept Mm-hmm. It comes right in. We do think that we have to follow a perfect family ideal that maybe we see on TV or in the movies of the happy family, the happy blended family. And truly, I have come to the realization that being a superwoman means being yourself, being your authentic you. As opposed to trying to get those kids to like you and come on board. They have a parent. If you're stepping into a role, they have— they might have a mom or dad that's alive. Maybe one parent passed away. They have bio parent or parents that they can relate to. Let those parents take the wheel and take on that responsibility of being the primary parent. Your job as a stepmom, if you want to take some pressure off, really is to just show them who you are. And bit by bit, you're going to find commonality. There's going to be things those kids accept about you. And you create your own journey with those kids instead of living up to some superwoman ideal. That's your real superwoman.

I love that. So really letting the relationship develop naturally by you being your authentic self, just like you would any other type of relationship.

That is really best. Yes. And, and the kids can pick up on it when you're forcing things or trying too hard. I have a lot of, you know, little stories of when that happened. Like when I tried to get them to come up with a fun name for me, that didn't work at all. Don't try this at home.

What was the name?

Oh, well, my husband likes the cartoon character Snoopy. Uh-huh. So I gave it a lot of thought and I thought, okay, I don't want to force them to call me mom because they have a mom.

I knew that. Right.

But maybe they could call me Snoopy and it would break the ice and be kind of fun. And that did not fly at all.

They were like, no, that's weird. Okay. That's funny. Well, I love how you talked about the term inevitable dissonance. So you're saying that the chaos in blended families is inevitable, right? And so how do you deal with it as a woman and a wife and a stepmother?

Right. So dissonance is the new normal. That is one tip to remember. And really, I think the best way to deal with that is to accept that it takes friction of— if you picture 2 Gears churning together or 2 rocks rubbing together. It takes the friction to smooth out that function, that process. So there's always going to be some friction that's going to happen, and it'll eventually yield some really smooth results. I love that. I think stepmom, quote unquote, success Is very individual, and I really think it takes time, and you cannot put a time marker on it. I think that is the main thing to remember. Every day is a gift. Don't say, oh, in 2 months, you know, our stepfamily is going to be taking vacations together or have some goal. It just really has to grow organically, and inevitable dissonance is part of that.

Yes, that's so true. And I love how you're, you're talking about the other mother, because even in the book you talked about, even if that parent isn't there, so whether it's a death or the parent isn't present, that parent is still a part of your family system.

Right, absolutely. That is so easy when a parent passes away or is otherwise unavailable to just step into the gender gap. It's tempting, and we face it every day. And even if a parent hasn't passed away, with shared custody, You know, as soon as that person isn't in the house, again, it's tempting to step into the gender gap, but let yourself off the hook. They have a mom and they have, you know, another bio parent. Hey, free yourself to be a friend, a confidant, a guardian, a counselor. Find a role that's unique for you in the stepfamily.

I love that. Okay, so we're getting ready to take a break, and when we come back, I would like for you to talk a little bit about—

maybe you can give a

Okay.

This is the Dr. Zoe Show on laradionow.com, and we will be back in just a minute. People ask me, how do you have so much energy? I am not a coffee drinker, but I love the benefits of matcha green tea— more antioxidants than coffee and a smooth, delicious taste. Energy, not the jittery kind, that lasts me all day long. Perfect for you super moms too. I have searched the world over for that perfect matcha for my smoothies, and I have found it at Kiss Me Organics. You can get it too at kissmeorganics.com. Enter the promo code DRZOE, D-R-Z-O-E, for 10% off and free shipping. Experience the smooth, healthy Healthy organic energy of matcha green tea. Kissmeorganics.com.

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women. Keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Hi, we're back. This is the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. We are here with our guest Diane Fromme, and we're talking about blended families and being a stepmom. So Diane, a lot of our listeners are sometimes struggling in relationships, and that's why they're listening to the show. Or they're just looking for some help and inspiration. So for the struggling stepmom, can you give us some tips on how she can connect with her, her stepchildren?

Yes, there's one of my favorites is the concept of compassionate detachment. And I actually owe this one to, uh, Sue Thiele, who wrote, um, The Courage to Be a Stepmom. But I've expanded on it a little bit I think if you can be present, which means you are physically available and emotionally available, yet you don't attach yourself to every result and outcome in your house, you will feel so much better. You will be so much less stressed. So for example, if let's just say your, uh, your stepdaughter comes to you And is creating kind of a conflict about a meal you made, something simple, maybe raising like, you know, my mom used to cook this like this, and how come you don't do this too?

Mm-hmm.

You do not necessarily have to take that on. It's fine to just listen and say, I hear you, honey, and I will think about this. But we are so guilty of internalizing every single emotional attack, something that we perceive as an attack. And I think not taking things personally, being present. Yes, you answered your stepkid, but now you can go off and think about, is that something that I really need to take on emotionally? So that's a small example, but it's certainly an example that could happen in daily life.

I love that because, and that really in some ways applies to all relationships because A lot of the issues that we have in relationships are based on those expectations. And so when you're pouring into your stepchild, you have this expectation that you're going to get something back or that you're going to see something bloom and flourish, right? Yes. And sometimes it's really hard when you don't see that. And so I love how you put it, that term, and really it's just an understanding that, okay, you're planting seeds, right? You plant the seeds and it's really up to God to do all the rest of it, to grow it and do with what— you know, do what's supposed to be done with it. But if you can plant the seed and leave it and know that you've done your part, that can be helpful. Thank you for that tip.

Oh, sure.

So you also quoted a line from the Broadway show Cats in your book. Can you tell us about that?

Sure, sure. Many people don't know that there was a poetry book called Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats that was written back in the 1930s by T.S. Eliot, but he has a great quote in there about human nature. So for those people that have seen the Broadway show, this is about Rum Tum Tugger, but I'll read you the actual quote from the book. The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat. If you offer him pheasant, he would rather have grouse. If you put him in a house, he would much prefer a flat. If you put him in a flat, then he'd rather have a house. Yep, the runtum tuggar is a curious cat, for he will do as he do, and there's no doing anything about it.

Love that. So how do you apply that to stepping in? That is so funny.

Right? That's how people are. We're not, we're not stepmoms to change people. We're stepmoms to be a support to our spouse and to make that marriage unit so strong that the stepkids bit by bit begin to see who we really are.

I love that point because we haven't really even talked much about the marriage, right? I mean, obviously we're talking about being a stepmom, but I loved what you said when you said that It's having them witness your marriage because we all know that healthy marriages are good for kids. And so that is, of course, one role of a stepmother is being that wife to your husband.

Well, and it takes you off the hook again because you're— the bio parent is the one that the kids are going to naturally turn to. So what if we could release ourselves from feeling bad that they're not turning to us And see, flip that around and see that in a much more positive light. Hey, they're going to their dad. That's great. You know, I can, I can step back and I can observe and maybe coach the two of them instead of having to feel like I'm emotionally invested in every single issue that happens in the house.

Very good. And so what about, how do you deal with jealousy? Because jealousy is a very big one. I wrote a blog about jealousy and blended families before. And, you know, it's a little different when it comes to jealousy And, you know, bio families. Can you talk a little bit about that?

And I'm thinking that where you're headed is jealousy of the other parent.

Well, what I've experienced—

Gender role or jealousy among the stepkids and the bio kids?

You know, I think it goes all around because what I've experienced in my practice is that the, you know, maybe stepmom will sometimes be jealous of the relationship between the stepfather and her husband and the kids because they've got, you know, this longstanding relationship and she's on the outs sometimes. Sometimes then you've got the issue of the stepkids being jealous, of course, of the relationship with the stepmom and dad because that's their dad and this woman has come in and she's changed the whole system. So you've got jealousy really going 2 ways.

Okay, I can definitely speak to those examples that you just gave, so thank you for clarifying.

Sure.

It, it is a huge factor. The stepmom feels like a family outsider Which is totally normal. It's part of the stepfamily cycle.

Say that again. It's normal to feel like the outsider in the family cycle. I love that.

Yeah, it is. It is normal. And by the way, it's also normal, you stepmoms, for it to take 10 years to really feel like your stepfamily is coming together. So please don't be discouraged. But with jealousy, I find that Speaking with your spouse about your feelings so that you clear your feelings before you bring those to your stepkids, that is going to be the strongest and best support for you. And also to have outside support outside of your stepfamily, friends, and, you know, if it's a pastor or whoever that you're going to talk to, a counselor. Any of those professionals can help you work through your feelings. Now, for the kids, it's harder for them to cope with those feelings. And so in a lot of instances, a professional can be a huge boon. And I imagine that you are working in your profession with a lot of full families. Yes. And I do recommend that, at least to get kids on the right track. But something you can do in the home very simply is family meetings. And I do describe those in the book. Once your kids are old enough to just respect sitting around the table and holding silence until the next person has stopped talking, families can begin to really peel back the layers of the onion and get to more honest communication with each other.

I love that. Every family can benefit from family meetings. That's a great one. And that actually goes into another point that you made is that not every issue issue is a blended family issue, right? There are issues in families and they're not all about blended families. And I know sometimes when we are only seeing ourselves or our family through that lens, we can get caught up in that idea that, okay, this is all about, you know, the stepfamily, this is all about this blending that we're trying to do. Can you talk about that a little bit?

Yes, it's so true. I highly recommend having friends in your support group that are They're bio parents. They have never stepparented before, and you're going to bounce your challenges off of those parents. And I'm going to guarantee that at least half of the things that you tell them, they're going to come back and say, oh, that happens in my house too.

Me too, right? Yeah.

So like, I'll remember we happened to be lucky enough to live close to the elementary school that my stepkids attended. And so I would walk with my stepdaughter every day to school. And one day at the beginning of 6th grade, she wouldn't take my hands and she basically turned to me and she said, I've got this. I don't need you. I can do it on my own. And I remember that felt so wounding. And guess what? That was just her growing up and declaring her independence. But I couldn't see that right away. So that's a perfect example of something that's not a stepfamily issue.

Right. It's just a growing up kid issue and just raising kids by themselves with no issues whatsoever Hard enough and you're gonna already have, you know, those challenges and so you can't expect that all of the issues are gonna be because of the blended family. I love that. Thank you for sharing that. So another one, and I don't remember if this was from the book or if I jotted this down myself, but the idea of being raised in a stepfamily doesn't really make you an expert as a stepmom, does it? No.

No, unfortunately, because you— if you were raised in a stepfamily, you do have a very different perspective. And so now you're going to be experiencing as a stepmom a different set of losses than you did in your family or stepfamily of origin.

And

that's why it's different, is the losses that you're encountering.

Well, let's talk about that. So the stepmom loss, we talked about the kids. I mean, the kids are grieving because they've lost the family unit that they dreamed of or had. But what are the losses that the stepmoms are going through?

Sure, there's— I have many that I could list, but I'll pull out a few here. Um, there might be an expectation that there'll be an instant family bond, but that's very common. And in fact, phase 1 of the stepfamily cycle is called the fantasy phase.

Okay.

Because we think that just by being nice and thoughtful and consider it that there'll be an instant bond, but that is indeed a myth. There is that loss of the hope to feel like a family insider. Oh, okay. So we already said being the family outsider is the new normal for right now, at the beginning at least. If you did not have kids in your prior— if you're not bringing kids into your stepfamily, you might have a loss of starting a family from scratch. That's an interesting one. That's a very interesting one. So I did not have children before I got married, so I never was married to Brian without children.

Right. Yes.

And that's, that's a loss too, because a lot of couples have the good fortune to, you know, have that dating and courting period and the honeymoon period. Yes. I think it's coming back to that authentic you. It's that loss of being recognized by the kids as a real dimensional person. For a while, they They just see you in that role, that replacement role, which you're trying so hard not to replace, but they'll still see you in that role because they have a mom.

I think, I think that's a good one, and I think that one is also a universal one too, because I think in many ways moms lose that because kids really, biological and stepchildren, don't see us as multidimensional. So I think that's a really great point. This is the Dr. Zoe Show, and we are going to be back in just a minute. We're going to talk a little bit about hope, hope for stepmoms, and just wrap up this wonderful meeting with Diane Fromme and, and just identify a few of the key points with step-parenting the blended family. See you in a minute.

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Hey guys, this is Dr. Zoe. You are back listening to the Dr. Zoe Show. I have a wonderful guest, Diane Fromme, and we have been talking about stepparenting and being a stepmom. If you're a stepmom out there that's struggling, you know, we've talked about a lot of issues and I just want to give you some hope. Because this is doable. This is doable. There are— what did I say? 100 million? I don't remember— blended families out there who are doing it every single day. And Diane, can you just give us one last tip before we go? Give us— give stepmoms some hope.

Oh, absolutely. So as I mentioned, I mean, I've been a stepmom for 20-plus years, and I've seen a lot of great things over the years. We've had some wonderful vacations. I got to see my stepdaughter marry a fantastic man. All my stepkids are in town. I get to see them and relate to them. So, you know, we have made it. It's still in progress. It's still a work in progress, but we plant as many seeds as we can. Yes. You know, some of them are not going to grow, as we know from our gardening work, but many of those seeds are going to sprout and make something beautiful. And I've experienced that and I know you guys can too.

Oh, wonderful. Thank you so much for that. And my takeaways from this has been dissonance is the new normal. I love that because, you know, that applies to even just being a new mom, but stepparenting. The other is you need to get outside support, outside support from other stepparents, outside support from therapists or professionals, but outside support is important. And the other takeaway I have is family meetings are crucial. I love that. So Diane, how can people get a hold of you? What is the best way they can get a hold of you?

Okay, um, first of all, email is a great way to get a hold of me, and that email is info, like short for information, so info@dianefromm.com. So D-I-A-N-E, F as in Frank, R-O-double M as in Mary, E as in Edward, dot com.

Excellent.

And that's a very reliable way.

Excellent. Thank you so much. And her book is also available on Amazon Kindle and paperback. It's available at Barnes& Noble, Smashwords, and iBook. Does that sound right, Diane?

That covers it too. Yeah.

Okay, great. And the name of the book is Step Parenting the Grieving Child. Thank you so much for, for coming on, Diane, and talking about such an important topic. Next up is Real Talk, and I'm gonna just talk a little bit about some questions from listeners about women and depression. And Diane, if we get a chance, you might be able to, to talk about that as well. So it's real talk time, guys. Please reach out if you have some questions that you'd like me to address on the show. All questions are anonymous. I'll never reveal any information that you would identify yourself with. You can email questions to zoe@drzoeshaw.com or connect with me on any of my social media So I had a listener who said, I need some help with depression. I'm not happy and I feel guilty about some things that I've done in my past. This is a tough one. And, you know, as I started talking about depression this week, I've had so many women connect with me and say, I experience depression. Can you help me? I need to— I have some issues from my past as well. So when we're thinking about our past, there's a story that I've read and it's about monks. And there were these 2 monks that were walking along a road and there was a girl that needed some help. And one of the monks went over and lifted the girl up and carried her across the road or just across the street, so like, you know, just for a few seconds and put her down. And the monk— the 2 monks went along walking and they were walking for like 5 hours and one of the monks said, you know, you really shouldn't have picked that girl up. You're not supposed to carry women, or something like that. And the other monk looked at him and he said, I carried her. For a couple of seconds and you've been carrying her for 5 hours.

And I think that that's— it's so profound because that's what happens when we deal with our past is we don't leave it there. We carry it and it's not okay to carry it because you are not the same person that you were back then.

And we judge ourselves as if we are this person now today with our, our new knowledge doing the same thing we did 10, 5, 20 years ago, and you're not, and you can't judge yourself based on that. You're different, and you have to recognize that, and it's important to tell yourself, I've gained some strength and I've gained some knowledge and I'm a different person now as a result of it. How can I use that in my daily life? That's one of the things that when we talk about depression is so important because depression Depression is increased, exacerbated, and created by the stories we tell ourselves about our lives.

And I am a huge proponent of cognitive behavioral therapy. And the reason why, number one, is because it's the most research-based and proven treatment for depression. It works just as well as medication. And I'm not saying that depression is not also genetic, and we do know that it's chemical, but we also know that the things that we say to ourselves can create chemical changes in Our brain. And so what I'm asking you when you're dealing with depression is you really need to start to look at the things that you say to yourself. They're so important, and you need to work on reframing it. I know it's easy for me to say that. It's not so easy for you to do that, but that is really, really the key to dealing with depression.

The other thing is a lot of times we're depressed about things that are going on in our lives, and I And I think I might have mentioned this earlier with Diane, but a lot of the issues that we have in relationships are about unmet expectations or unrealistic expectations. I'll talk a little bit more about that in some of my future episodes, but when we're working and relating to our life and we're relating to people in our life based on unmet expectations, we will not be happy. Instead of being able to look at our situation and look at our relationships with realistic expectations, Of you know what's going to be happening in that relationship or in our life, and the other one is seeking happiness in things that don't promote happiness. And we as women have are sometimes guilty of that, of thinking that our relationships are going to bring about happiness, and they don't. And I'm going to speak more in coming episodes about depression in women. I just want to thank you guys for listening today. This, of course, was just a cursory discussion about a very deep, crucial topic. I've just scratched the surface and we'll be talking and I'll be blogging about depression and women and more. So next week we're going to be talking about dating as a single mom. We'll have a fun guest, Kim Interdonato, that all women can relate to whether you're single or married. She wrote a book called Shoes Are Like Men. I think I already figured out that my husband is a shoe boot and he's not on sale. Yeah. So listen in. It's going to be a fun and informative show about relationships. Next week we'll also be talking about getting rid of negative voices. So you've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show. Tune in next week and every week on Tuesdays from 12 to 1 Pacific, 3 to 4 Eastern on LA Radio Now. Check out our reruns of my show on iTunes, Google, Libsyn, and YouTube where I am your life and relationship coach. I help sometimes struggling women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. Connect with me at drzoeshaw.com. Or any of my social medias at the handle Dr. Zoe Shaw. You can also join my free newsletter and get a copy of 30 Minute Life Transformation: The Secret to Getting Stuff Done by texting the word join to 38470. I look forward to speaking with you wonderful ladies on social media after the show. Have a great week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman, with your host Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of the Dr. Zoe Show.