54: Letting Go of Superwoman Because It Really Just Means Supermartyr | Dr. Zoe Shaw

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a life and relationship coach and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. My passion is helping women find their superpower, learn to embrace it, and share it with the world. Connect with me by texting the word join to 38470. Or go to my website at www.drzoeshaw.com. Our topic today is letting go of Superwoman. Really, you're just a super martyr. Before we get started with that, my Superwoman win today is just that I found the time and carved it out to get this podcast done. Sometimes you just have to celebrate the little things because it's been a busy, busy week. And my win is that I'm here and I'm talking and engaging with you guys. Right now, so my fail—I am dredging up an old fail because I was contemplating really my growth as a therapist and thinking back to when I first started working. I don't remember what prompted this thought, but there is a client that I think about every now and then, and you know I've seen so many over the years, and some of them really stand out to me. And this one client. Was a mama. She had a special needs kid, and she must have been in her— I want to say early 20s. She was so young. And she had a little 4 or 5-year-old boy. He was special needs. I don't remember what his diagnosis was, but he was a very difficult little boy to have to deal with for a young 20-year-old woman. And she also had a baby. I was seeing her son in my clinic. He had developmental delays and probably some behavioral issues. And she was always frazzled. And I was in my early 20s at the time. I didn't have kids. So of course, you know, when you don't have kids, you're the perfect mother. And on top of that, you know, I had a doctorate in clinical psychology, I knew about development, I understood all of this. So I had that chip on my shoulder. And this woman had a difficult time making it to our sessions. Now, I did work in a clinic, and there was a lot of pressure on us to make sure that our clients showed up. made their appointments because the clinic didn't get paid. And so there was a lot of pressure, and we were supposed to terminate people after 3 sessions if they couldn't make it on time, or if they missed 3 sessions, something like that. But I remember I was kind of hard on her, and I was not understanding. And I'm like, get it together, woman, you know? And I judged her because she couldn't get there on time. When she got there, she was all frazzled, usually late. And I had no idea. What it was like to be a mama, especially a mama of a special needs boy. And this woman had so much on her shoulders. And instead of sitting with her and just giving her a break, letting her breathe, I judged her. And I'm sure she felt that judgment. I mean, I was certainly empathic, and I think I did good work with her son, but I did not connect with her in that way that she needed to be connected with. And it wasn't until after I had my children, and then I had my special needs daughter, and I was the mama who had 12 appointments every week that I had to make with doctors and therapists and OTs and speech. And I was the frazzled woman showing up with my other 2 kids and my special needs kids. And probably I got, you know, some judgment too from other therapists. You got to be here and you've got to make sure you're doing this. And did you make sure you did that? And I think about her often, and that little boy is a grown man now. And I just have to say, that was my superwoman fail as an early therapist, not really understanding what that woman was going through. And so I think of her from time to time, and I'm not really sure why I'm sharing that with you guys today. I had a reason. I forget why it was. But, you know, I think sometimes you just have to honor your growth and you have to look at where you've been. And evaluate where you are right now and making sure that you are putting yourself in other people's shoes, that you are recognizing that, you know, the road other people travel, sometimes we don't really get. And so we do judge, and we got to stop that. We got to stop that. So that's my Superwoman fail. On to the topic, letting go of Superwoman. So let me just say that many people think that I'm a superwoman, or I think that I think I'm a superwoman because I have that word in the subtitle of my podcast and I have it other places and I talk about it. I talk about redefining your superwoman, ladies, because it doesn't exist. It can't exist. And so we have to redefine that label for ourselves. And that's why I want to talk about that today. So do you feel like you have to take care of everything? After all, you can't stand a messy house. You want to feed the kids nutritious foods. You want to plan out all of the educational activities to keep them occupied. What pressure! And of course, you also want to complete your projects at work and other things that you want to do for your life and your career. There's so much to do. Does this sound like you? Sounds like me. Do you feel like sometimes you're being pushed to the limit that everyone expects you to get everything done and that you're constantly forced to be in that superwoman place. So here's what I want you to ask yourself. Who asked you? Who asked you to do all that stuff? I often tell myself, and I have to sit down and tell myself, this is the life I created. I say it to myself. I say it to other people, especially when people talk about how busy I am. I say, yes, this is the life I created. So once again, who asked you? Nobody. And just because maybe they did, or somebody, your husband, your spouse, your family, whatever people who you feel put demands on you, it doesn't mean that you have to. You actually have the freedom to say no. You have other choices. The only person who is forcing you is yourself. So I want you to recognize that you are not indispensable. If you don't do whatever in the world, the spouse, the kids, the work, they're gonna all manage. Yeah, their clothes probably won't be washed and ironed or starched. Who starches and irons? I don't know who does that. I don't. Well, I iron sometimes. You know, maybe the food's not gonna meet the perfect organic, you know, standards and the house won't be spick and span. But if you project your life 5 years into the future, is any of that really going to matter? What you know will last is that if you're frustrated all the time, that memory will last for you and your family. And so you can't constantly try to be Superwoman. The challenge is, how do you let it go? How do you let go of that need to get it all done and be everything for everybody? How do you learn to live easy? And it's really about prioritizing because you deserve to get your life back. So my question is, are you ready to let go of being Superwoman? Yes, you need to be. So many people ask me, how do you do it all? You're doing so much. How do you do it? I have to tell you that that kind of irritates me sometimes because I don't really know how to answer that question. And sometimes it feels like a judgment. You're doing too much. But let me tell you how I do it. I do it because I don't do it all. I cut a lot of corners. Every day. I am kind of a nonconformist, and there's freedom in that. And I don't believe that you always have to iron clothes or that, you know, everything has to be done all the time, or that I have to attend every event that people say I do. I homeschool 2 of my kids right now, and there is a homeschool event with our co-op, and it was mandatory for the orientation, and I didn't go. And it felt so good to decide not to go to the mandatory event, and I know it's gonna be okay. So I cut corners when I need to cut corners for my sanity. I used to believe that I didn't even need to fully get dressed for my virtual appointments, but life taught me that that wasn't a good corner to cut. So if you listen to my past episodes, you know what I'm talking about. But let me give you an example. My whole family ate on paper plates and utensils for a whole year. My kids were young. My hubby wasn't helping out the way I wanted him to. We didn't have a housekeeper at that time, and I was working and homeschooling, and I just said, forget I'm not doing any more dishes. It was great. I do feel a little guilty about the environmental load that I put on the world, but I promise you, I would've put a larger load on the world if I died and let other people care for my 3 children, one with special needs. And I'm pretty sure that I felt I was going to die if I had to do one more dish on top of all the other things that I was doing in my life. So I gave it up. And for all the people who might be hating me right now, I did recycle. So I, at least I did that. But my kids grew, things changed. I was able to delegate housework and we started eating like regular middle-class Americans again, but it worked for that time because that's what I needed to not be Superwoman. That one little thing was so freeing in my life. And so if you're not willing to let things go, ask yourself, what is the price you're paying for that perfection? Seriously, write this down. What is the price you are paying for perfection? You already know that when you're feeling burned out, and when you're doing everything, you're resenting, and you're angry at the people that you actually love in your life. You don't get to enjoy them, and they don't get the best of you. That's a statement I say to myself all the time. I'm not giving my family the best of me. When I'm resenting. So when I'm resenting, that's a sign to me that I need to let something go. So what can you do? Here are my tips for getting over Superwoman syndrome. One, you have to build a team. Now, my team was a little too young back then, and that's why I resorted to paper plates. But you have to build a team. Whenever you think about doing a task, when you start making that to-do list, first ask yourself, is this necessary or is this A passion. I do believe that your tasks should be focused towards your priorities or your passion. Your passion, because your passion is important. It gives you life. It drives you. But I've talked about priorities before. So when you've decided it's important, it meets the grade, your next question should be, who's on my team with this task and what can I delegate? Every task should have a team, whether it's at work or at home. Every task should have a team assigned to it. And when you start thinking with that mindset of who's my team, is it my oldest kid? Is it my youngest kid? Is it my husband? Who at work do I delegate this to? When you can start doing that, then you're going to be lightening your load. You're going to be lightening your resentment. Next, you need to practice saying no. You know this, say it in the mirror, say it in the car on the way to doing work. Say it when you're doing errands, remind yourself. That if it doesn't meet your priorities, you are hurting yourself if you do it. Saying no is such a beautiful word, and it is a complete sentence. I love that statement. No is a complete sentence. You don't always have to explain, and if you feel like you have to explain, go for it, but you don't always have to. But you do need to learn to say no. One of the biggest pressures we put on ourselves as women is not feeling okay with that. Like we deserve that, and we do. Next, stop the darn comparisons. Iyanla Vanzant said that comparison is an act of violence against yourself. When I read that, it resonated so deeply with me. I know that I will never, ever live up to many women's standards of all the buckets in my life. And you know what? There might be women who imagine I live up to it, and I'm telling you now, I don't. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay that you judge me and think that I'm getting it all wrong in certain areas of my life. Actually, the truth is I'm okay-ish. I'm working on it just like you are. So keep working on it. Don't stop. Remember, no one truly gets the load that you're carrying Except for you and the trusted few that you may tell everything to. But the reality is we don't really share every single thought and experience of our life with everybody. So no one really gets it except for you. And you don't know that other woman's junk, just like she doesn't know yours. So stop the fantasy that someone else has it all together. My almost 20 years As a therapist has shown me that no one has it all together. You would be amazed at the stories I hear from people who look on the surface like they have it all together— judges, doctors, principals, housewives, attorneys. No one has it all together, and that is perfectly imperfectly okay. You are perfectly Imperfectly okay. Next, get over yourself. You know, some of the Superwoman syndrome is really based in a foundational ego, a strong ego that we are just not willing to let go. You mistakenly believe that you are the one that can do it all and nobody else can. Nobody else can get it right. Nobody else can do it the way you can. And I know that mantra, Well, if I have to spend all that time, you know, trying to teach you how to do it and then going back and fixing what you did wrong, I should have just done it myself to begin with. This is the lie of the century. Reality is you are pretty much dispensable in all areas of your life except your relationships, except your role as wife, mom, sister, friend. Yeah, I know. You die, you divorce, your husband can replace This role of wife, but you as a person, your uniqueness, who you are, is indispensable in your relationships. And it's totally dispensable in all other areas of your life. Think about this. So put down the to-do list and focus on relationship. You can pick it back up again. It's going to be there. And yes, there has to be balance in your life. You have to get those to-dos done, at least most of them. You got to figure out where you can. cut those corners. But if you're going to err on either side, it should be on the relationship side, not the to-do list side. The dishes, the dusting, the house maintenance, the work, it'll all be there. Take some time to focus on relationship building. Remind yourself, no matter how great your job is, no matter how great the stuff is that you do in your life, it's all dispensable. What isn't Is your relationships. Last, do something silly. Silly. Waste some time doing silly stuff. Let go. Life is short. Enjoy yourself. Schedule time that's not task-driven. Yes, I said schedule it because I know you're a to-do list woman. Most of us are. And when we tell ourselves, oh, we're going to do that, One day. Or, oh, that sounds nice. I need to incorporate that into my life one day. One day never happens. So when there's something that's important to you, and I'm telling you, silly time is important, you need to put it in your calendar. So schedule that time that's wide open for you to be silly and free and relax, even though that stupid to-do list is sitting there. I was just talking about this with a client, and we were talking about being silly with her girls. One of the things she said is, yeah, but it's gonna make a mess and then I've gotta clean up the mess. And yep, that's true. But the reality is, imagine what kind of memories and how long the benefits of making that mess is going to last with your girls. Be silly, make the mess, put some music on, delegate your team to help clean up the mess, and live your darn life. But remember, being a superwoman and all the things, the shoulds that you tell yourself about that is just one big lie. So let it go. Next up, Real Talk. This is Real Talk where I answer questions from my listeners and I share my own musings and encouragement. So please reach out if you have some questions you'd like for me to address on the show. All questions are anonymous. I take your confidentiality seriously as if you were my own client. You can email questions to zoe@drzoeshaw.com or connect with me on any of my social medias. This question was curated from my column at thegritandgraceproject.org. You can always submit your questions directly to me by emailing me at zoe@drzoeshaw.com. So question, when to let a friend go. This was the question. Friends come and go, and we all know that, but how do I know when it's time for me to let a friend go? What are my signs that this may be a toxic toxic friendship that I need to let go. Should I just let us grow apart? Or should I have a conversation with her? So I was struck by the fact that at the same time that you asked me how to know if you need to let her go, you also asked me what's the best method to end the friendship. So this tells me that you probably answered your own first question. A change probably needs to happen in your relationship. And deep down, I think that you know this. The hard part is determining what the change is. Does she need to be delegated to an outer circle of acquaintances, or should you drop her altogether? My professional opinion when it comes to relationships is that it isn't really a healthy habit to completely cut people out of our lives unless it isn't possible for there to be any health, even as acquaintances. Now, this only applies to friendships and family because romantic relationships have a very different, totally opposite set of rules. And I think that when you end romantic relationships, You need to cut the cord, be done, move on. But close friendships require emotional, psychological, and literal space and time from our lives. Now you have to remember, just like I talked about above, you are the steward of your time here on this earth, and you need to make sure that you're spending it in the best way that you can. So some friendships need a breakup talk, but most don't. Sometimes the breakup talk occurs like as a natural consequence of distancing. But first, here's the toxicity test for a relationship. Are they sucking more from you than you're willing to give? Is their influence on you a bad one? So are they encouraging you to become a better version of you? Or do you find that you aren't the person that you want to be when you're with them? Sometimes a friend who isn't good for you can be a lot of fun. But you need to be a grownup, a grown woman, and recognize when this relationship is no longer serving you or your journey. It's super hard when it is fun, when they're, you know, when they're taking you away from things you really know you shouldn't be taken away from, when you're not the person you wanna be when you're with them, even though they might be a blast. So if you answered yes to either of these, it's time to change the friendship. And I'm not saying that relationships are only about what you can get from them. They aren't. But your closest relationship should always be reciprocal, not 100% reciprocal, not I'm going to check this off and check that off and keep tallies, but they need to be reciprocal. Charity relationships shouldn't be your friends. And I think charity is important and we should incorporate it in many ways in our lives, but we cannot be charitable in our close relationships. They have to be reciprocal. So how do you move a friend from the inner circle to the outer circle or beyond? Excellent question. So you have 2 options. You can let the friendship fade and designate her to an outer circle. So you can invite her to get together in groups, but not alone. You can basically just be less available. Don't initiate phone calls, return her calls less frequently, and eventually she'll get the message. Of course, only you know if this one will work based on your relationship and how close you are. And if this is going to just create more questions, then the next option is that you probably have to have the breakup talk. And it's gonna sound something like, I've enjoyed our friendship. Maybe you could list some gifts that you've gotten from the relationship, because I truly believe we get gifts from every relationship. So I've enjoyed our friendship, but I'm realizing that I'm not the best version of myself when I'm with you. So I need to take some time to figure that out for myself, and I won't be as available to get together with you. I know that's hard, but part of being a grown woman is being willing and able to have the hard conversations. And I'm growing up and I'm learning that sometimes just saying the flat-out truth takes you so far and lifts so much from you and all the other things that you have to do in your life. A 3rd possible option is to have the breakup talk and designate her to an outer circle. So To be able to have a breakup talk and still designate her to an acquaintance circle takes some serious social skills to pull this one off. But you can say something like what I talked about above, but instead end it with not being available. So you can end it with, I won't be available to get together as much as we have in the past, but I would still like to get together with you and do blah, blah, blah. So good luck with that, but that's another possibility. And basically ending any relationship is difficult, but honestly, there's only a handful of precious relationships in our life that actually stand the test of time. The rest of our relationships are for a season, and that's okay. So you have to treasure the gifts that you get from them and be willing to let them go when they no longer serve you in a healthy way. I hope that was helpful. So thanks for tuning in to the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss a show. If you're interested in coaching or therapy, or you just want to get a little more help, go to my website at drzoeshaw.com or any of my social medias at the handle Dr. Zoe Shaw. Join my free newsletter by texting the word join to 38470. I look forward to speaking with you wonderful ladies on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, redefining your superwoman with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and And subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of the Dr. Zoe Show.