55: Getting Over a Funk | Dr. Zoe Shaw

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a life and relationship coach and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. My passion is helping women find that superpower, learn to embrace it, and then share it with the world. You can connect with me by texting the word join to 38470 or go to my website, At drzoeshaw.com. Today's topic is getting out of a funk. Simple as that. It happens to us all sometimes. So I'm going to talk to you about getting out of a funk. Before that, my Superwoman win. This morning I got out of bed and I went to the gym when I really didn't want to. And now I feel pretty darn awesome. Really, that's the only thing that got me to the gym is I knew I would feel Awesome afterwards. So if you're struggling doing something that you know is good for you, but you just don't feel like doing it, focus on the outcome. Don't focus on the process. Just keep your mind there on the outcome, knowing that it's gonna feel so good when you get it done. That's my little tip for today. So my fail, you know, I think it's impossible to pour every single bit of knowledge that you have into your kids, but of course we try, right? And I think everybody probably has one of those, why didn't my mother teach me this kind of moments? I've certainly had 'em over my lifetime. So my fail is that I neglected to tell my son exactly what he should do if he ever got in a car accident. Now, I paid a lot of money for driver's ed. I also paid for private driving lessons, and maybe my assumption was that somebody would tell him that. Maybe they did, and he was zoning out during the class, but somehow he didn't get that knowledge. And my son had a car accident. He's fine, which is awesome, but he had his first car accident and didn't even know what to do. And he called me after he let the guy go without getting any information. So that's my Superwoman fail. It's really my fault. I was frustrated with my son and he's like, I didn't know. And I'm like, I know. I didn't tell you why. I remember I told him before he started driving, we talked about all different kinds of scenarios. We talked about what to do if the police calls you over. We talked about what to do if your car breaks down. down, what, you know, but somehow I neglected that one. And so there's my fail as a mama. Long story, fun with insurance trying to get that taken care of, but it happens. So today the topic is how to get out of a funk. So funk is not the same thing as a clinical depression, although believe me, it can feel like it. There are definitely differences, and I won't completely go into that today, but You know what a funk feels like. Something happens in your life and you just feel like crap and you're just kind of, ugh, you know, you get that little dip in your mood, sometimes a big dip in your mood depending on what happens. And I have always been kind of a moody person, I would say. It used to not take very much to send me into a tailspin, but I've always righted myself super quickly and I've always maybe been a little bit of a drama queen. My sister, if you listen to the episode with my sister, she agreed a little too vehemently about out that I was a drama queen when she was on my show. But I'm kind of a freak out, then get down to business and take action kind of person. I'm not really a freak out and give up or freak out and get depressed and hide, but I'm more of like freak out, get anxious or get sad depending on the issue, and then get to business, take action, and let's fix this kind of thing. So anyway, I said all of that to say that I've definitely had my periods of being in a funk. And my children pretty much cured me of this. It's amazing the kinds of things your children teach you and how much growth you have when you have kids. But I remember soon after my son was born, maybe he was a year. He wasn't an itty-bitty baby, but maybe not quite a toddler yet. And something was bothering me. I think something about my postdoc internship. I was frustrated. Basically, I was prepared to sink into a funk for a few days. Like I always did, like I used to before I had a kid, but then I had this kid. And I remember thinking, how can I be in a funk when I have him? Like, I have to take care of him. I can't just like sit on the couch or lay in my bed. It was kind of one of the hardest adjustments of early motherhood for me was that life couldn't just be about me anymore. And I didn't like it. I wanted to crawl in bed and think and wallow, but my son needed my attention. I had to, you know, play with him and make food for him, and I just couldn't do it. Now, the reality is this was a funk. It wasn't a clinical depression. If it was a true depression, unfortunately, even my son's needs may not have been enough for me to do what I needed to do and just take care of him. And if you're going through this, you need to seek help because that is a reality of depression. So please, if you are going through that, seek help. But I remember I was kind of in a funk because I couldn't really be in the funk that I wanted to be in. And I don't tend to get in those places anymore because my kids just don't really allow it. I also like to think that It's really been a place of growth and maturity for me because I got out of myself. And I'll be talking a little bit about getting out of yourself as one of the ways of getting out of your funk. Sometimes you may be feeling a personal funk relationally, relationship problem, or something's going on with you personally, or maybe it's a work funk if you just can't produce. No matter what type of funk it is, none of it feels good. So let's tackle How do you get out of a funk as quickly as you can in the healthiest way possible? First, you always need to check your sleep, your nutrition, and your self-care. For me, if I'm not getting enough sleep or my nutrition, then I'm gonna be off. The best foods for everybody's body is different, but you need to make sure that you know enough about yourself to know what foods make you feel good and what foods not taste good. What foods make your body feel good and what foods don't make your body feel good. And a lot of times you can figure this out by thinking about what you ate the day before. When you wake up, how do you feel? Evaluate that. And of course, proper amounts of sleep for everybody. We need to get that. And we as women especially need to make sure we're doing our self-care. So always check that because those balances are going to help you have a more even keel when it comes to your mood. So what you need to do is when you're feeling really sad, you need to take the time to think about what Just happened. Sometimes we're in a funk and we tell ourselves, I don't even know why. I just feel horrible. I just feel sad. I just don't feel good. But the reality is usually something happened. So ask yourself what was said or what thoughts were triggered that started the funk to begin with. Sometimes it's something that happened. Sometimes it's something that was said. I was meeting with my coach the other day. And something she said, I don't even remember what it was, but it sent me on an I'm not good enough spiral. It was totally benign. What she actually said was benign, but it triggered me. And I had to sit with that and acknowledge what triggered this deep negative feeling that was making me feel like crap. But you have to allow yourself some time to give into the feeling. So you feel that way. We immediately wanna go to, I don't wanna feel this way anymore. But what you need to do is allow yourself to give into it, feel it. Don't skip that step. If it means you need to take some time to cry, yell, scream, eat ice cream, go for it. Allow yourself to be where you are. The easiest way to get over something is to go through it. You might've heard that before, but it is so true. The easiest way to get over something is to Go through it. It doesn't feel good, but you've got to. Sometimes we spend a lot of time trying to skip that step, or sometimes we spend a lot of time trying to stay there too long. Balance is definitely the key. Next, you need to acknowledge that darn emotion. So when you feel it, you acknowledge it, you speak it, you figure out what triggered it, and it's okay, actually important to say, I feel sad, I feel disappointed, I feel angry about And answer that question. Don't be afraid to acknowledge it, even if it feels stupid. I feel sad that she said that purple isn't my color. Whatever it is, don't be afraid to just acknowledge it. And then what does that mean to you? The fact that she said that, what does that mean to you? Now, if you can't come up with anything, why you're sad or why you're having a funk, you're likely in denial and you just need to sit with it some more. Maybe seek out a therapist that can help you get to know yourself more. And Be there with it because it's there. Sometimes you just have to think a little harder. Writing it out is so helpful. I know not everyone is a writer and that's okay. This isn't about good writing. This is about a real connection that actually happens with your brain when you get your feelings and emotions out in a different way. I prescribe writing to a lot of my clients and different kinds of writing because forget sentences, who has time for that? Just write some phrases, whatever comes to mind. I have a guy client. And we are writing his life story in phrases, pieces at a time. He's got an anger issue and I talked to him about the importance of writing and, and, you know, his anger goes way back. So I said, let's start your life story. And he's like, I'm not a writer. You don't have to be. And he is so getting into this and it's awesome because he'll bring literally like 5 phrases that represent periods, you know, in his life. And then we'll kind of go through them. It really has been amazingly cathartic because remember his first experience was, I'm not a writer. The reason is because you tend to have more access to your subconscious when you write, especially if you write in the morning. So in the morning, you've been dreaming, right? So it's right before you've had the time to let the day kind of solidify your consciousness. And so there's still a little bit of access to some of that unconscious going on at night. But once the day moves on, your subconscious thought process goes underground a little bit. So there's definitely some benefit to writing first thing in the morning. Mm-hmm. If you have the time to do that. Next, you need to move your body. Remember my WIN? I didn't feel like it this morning, but I did it. And it's even better to move and talk at the same time, especially if you have something you need to get out. So the last thing you should ever ask yourself when you're in a funk is, do I feel like doing it? Of course you don't feel like doing it. So don't bother asking yourself. The answer is going to be no. Just go straight to, I'm doing this and this is what I need to do. Just do it anyway. And check your self-talk. Nothing can bring us down faster than our inner critic. I personally don't have any psychotic disorders, but I will fight with my self-critic, literally sometimes out loud if nobody's around. I prefer to talk to myself out loud when nobody's around. And I will actually ask myself, are you gonna let her talk to you like that? Because if my inner critic were someone else, I wouldn't tolerate being spoken to that way. I wouldn't. So you need to ask yourself, are you going to let her talk to you like that? Be your own protector. Rush in and tell yourself she's wrong. And this is why. Remind yourself of all the positive things that you can think about regarding your situation. You've got to check your self-talk because our self-talk is really what spins us down that spiral. Be nice to yourself. Treat yourself as well as you would treat a stranger, as well as you treat those that you love. Next is get touched. Your body needs touched or get some bodywork done. Get a massage. Ask your spouse to massage you. We hold our tensions in our tissue, in our body, not just in our brain, and releasing them in our tissue helps to let go of them in our minds. So get touched in whatever way you can go get a pedicure with a nice leg and foot massage, or like I said, ask your spouse, but make sure that you are getting touched. And you need to get out of yourself. I can't say that enough. I talked about how my kids helped me get out of myself, but research has shown that doing charity work, doing for others, giving actually treats depression, reduces it in already depressed people, and it increases mood and gives people a sense of self-worth in non-depressed people. So you must give to others, be kind to others, find someone or some charity that you can help. It's one of those Gifts that definitely does give back. But even if it's not charity, it's really getting outside of yourself, looking at other people, getting social, even when you don't necessarily feel like it. When you get out of yourself and you're thinking about other people and how you can help them or what their issues are, it really takes you to that next level. Because otherwise, when you're isolating, when you're only thinking about yourself, it just brings you down. Finally, express gratitude. Now, a lot of people don't like this one because when you're in a funk, the last thing you want to do is really a lot of the things I'm telling you to do today, but the last thing you want to do is express gratitude. It's hard. And I ask a lot of my clients to do this. And usually their first answer is, I can't find anything good about this situation. And okay, I get that. But when I push them, And when they go ahead and they think a little bit longer, they begin to find it. They'll start to find good in either the situation, how they handled it, what they're learning, or what others can learn, or what positive thing the situation is pushing them to do in their life. So it's not easy. Once again, don't bother asking yourself if you feel like it, just do it. Express gratitude because just like helping, When you're bringing in those positive thoughts, it changes your brain chemistry. So there you go. If you're feeling sad right now, start taking some steps. If not, maybe save this episode for the future, for a future time that you're feeling sad or you're having a funk. Nobody likes being in a funk. It feels funky, but it also won't last. You've got this. So it's time for my health tip. Remember, our bodies and our minds are intimately connected. We can't have health in one without health in the other, and that's why I have an occasional health tips segment. And no comparison. Always stop the comparisons, ladies. So today I'm gonna talk about Epsom salt. I don't know how much you guys know about Epsom salt. I heard about it or used to hear about it a lot when I was young. It was like the thing that my grandmother was like, it seemed Epsom salt cured everything. Anything that was wrong with you, go take an Epsom salt bath. I just kind of always associated with old people or kind of like a old wives' tale, but I actually started doing a little bit of research about Epsom salt and, huh, imagine this, they were right. Now, it's not the cure for everything, but Epsom salt has 2 main things that are really good for our bodies. It's magnesium and sulfate. And studies have shown that magnesium and sulfate are both readily absorbed through the skin. So that makes Epsom salt baths an easy and really ideal way to get those benefits. So magnesium, it plays a big role in the body, including regulating the activity of like a ton, like over 300 enzymes, reduces inflammation, which is so important when it comes to our cardiovascular health, our joint health. It also helps muscles and nerve functioning. It helps to prevent artery hardening, and sulfates help improve the absorption of nutrients. It flushes toxins out of our body, and it can help with migraine headaches. So the benefits then of using Epsom salt is that it eases stress and relaxes the body. It relieves pain and muscle cramps. It can help muscles and nerves function properly. It can help prevent hardening of arteries. Like I said, it helps make insulin more effective in your body, eliminates those toxins. And so what's a really great way to do it? Run a warm bath, take 2 big cups of Epsom salt, which you can get pretty much anywhere. I get half my stuff on Amazon these days and soak in it for at least 15 minutes. And do that a couple of times a week. And that's a physical self-care. The bath can be an emotional, a mental, psychological self-care. So there's my tip. Try some Epsom salts. So now it's time for Real Talk. This is Real Talk where I answer questions from my listeners and I share my own musings and encouragement. So please reach out if you have some questions you'd like me to address on the show. All questions are anonymous. I take your confidentiality seriously as if you were my own client. You can email questions to zoe@drzoeshaw.com or connect with me on any of my social medias. And this question was curated from my column at thegritandgraceproject.org, and you can always submit questions there or directly to me. So this question is from The Exhausted Juggler. Boy, I totally relate to that. Trying to juggle it all. I have frequent days that I feel as if I'm center stage juggling family, work, home life, the needs of every human in my life, all dependent upon my next move with the entire audience waiting for me to drop the ball. I love how she paints that picture. I want to prove them wrong, that I can handle every demand placed upon me with a smile on my face, never breaking a sweat. But I'm tired of the demands, expectations, and fear that I may not be able to do everything everyone expects. I need time for me, but am I being selfish? Is it wrong to think of myself? What's stopping me? Will everyone survive if I step off the stage, even for intermission? I'm looking for some perspective because I'm just too busy to find it myself. That's a great question. You are not the only woman who has bought into this lie of the century. You are actually the very reason why I have this podcast. This whole concept of Superwoman, this whole concept of I have to do it all. If you listened to my podcast last week, I already forget the name of it, something about Superwoman and, or are you just a super martyr? It is a reality and you've got to stop. So stop for a moment, just a moment. And I want you to actually re-listen to the question you just asked me. Listen to what you tell yourself about who you are and who you ought to be and what you imagine other people expect from you. Stress is actually not created by the things that we carry. Listen to me. Stress isn't about all the things we have to do. And research has shown that it's not the events that happen in our life. It's not all the stuff we have to do that creates stress. It's the story that we tell ourselves about them. And honestly, I'm feeling kind of tired just after reading your question. And if that's what you're speaking to yourself every day, no wonder you're exhausted. So from one busy woman to another, let's clean up your self-talk. That's what is stopping you. That's what's making you feel so drained. Changing your self-talk is the most effective and easiest way to change how you're feeling because you speak to yourself more than you speak to anybody else, and you speak to yourself more than anybody speaks to you. I say it all the time because it is a truth, and that means that you are your biggest influencer. So you can reframe your thoughts by making a list of all the negative things that you say to yourself, and then start a process. And you can figure out those things just by listening to what your question was, and then start a process that we call refuting in CBT, which is cognitive behavioral therapy. Restate those negative thoughts in a more positive light. For example, everyone's waiting for me to drop the ball. Man, that feels like a lot of pressure. Maybe you can reframe that into, I've worked hard to become a great leader, and a lot of people are looking up to me, but I'm still me, and I'm going to do the best job that I can. And if I fail in some way, or if I don't reach that mark, I know I've done the best job that I can. The fact that you're fearful of not living up to yours, and of course, what you imagine to be everybody else's expectations, tells me me that you are passionate. You're passionate and you really value what you're doing. You're walking in your purpose and you just need to trust that everything that you're doing is going to work out, that God's got this. When we're stressed and we're struggling and we're juggling a lot of balls, sometimes we forget that we have to enjoy this journey. We have to sit back as we're going on the journey. It's not just about where we get. It's not just about the destination. It's about how we get there. And our health along the way. So you need to make a regular practice on your calendar. I talk about this all the time. Whatever is important to you, you need to put it on your calendar where you take a few minutes to reflect on how far you've come, where you are now, and all the positive, wonderful aspects of your current journey right now. Also regularly evaluate your priorities. So you got to make sure That all of your activities that you're doing right now, especially since you're in the thick of it in a really busy place, all of your activities should point back to your priorities. So always think that, does this activity, is it in line with my priority? If it isn't, let it go. Period. Let it go. Maybe you can do it another time. Maybe you never need to do it, but if it isn't pointing back there, let it go. And yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. You need some time for yourself. Your family, your work, and all the roles that you juggle need you to step off the stage for intermission. And I have the same issue. When we take time for ourselves, we feel guilty. They need us. You have to change that script. Your family needs you to take care of yourself so that you can take better care of them. What if you told yourself that you don't have time to stop by a gas station because you're gonna drive 100 miles on an empty gas tank? And you don't have time to stop. Good luck with that, right? It's not gonna work. You have to fill yourself up. We know that. We know that. We know that your time is not even just luxury time. It's necessity time. So recognize your lies for what they are. You've got this. It just takes a little grit and grace. Thanks for tuning into the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss a show. If you're interested in coaching or therapy, or you just wanna get a little more help, Go to my website at drzoeshaw.com or any of my social medias at the handle Dr. Zoe Shaw. Join my free newsletter by texting the word join to 38470. I look forward to speaking to you wonderful ladies on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman, with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of the Dr. Zoe Show.