60: It’s Never Too Late to Live Your Best Life | Dr. Zoe Shaw

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, redefining your superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed psychotherapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a life and relationship coach and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. My passion is helping women find their superpower, learn to embrace it, and share it with the world. Connect with me by texting the word join to 38470 or go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. Today's topic is it's never too late to live your best life. We will get to that in just a second. But first, my Superwoman win and my Superwoman fail. So my win this week is really not my win. It's my son's win. But when my son wins, I totally win. So my son is 14, almost 15, and he is a Boy Scout. And this weekend they went on a backpacking trip. He hiked 14 miles. Now, that might not seem like a big deal, but my son has had 2 reconstructive surgeries on his ankles, and he has had such a rough time with bracing and surgeries and not being able to walk and being in a lot of pain for years. And for him to get to a point where he can hike 14 miles— and he still wears braces, but he was able to do it with his braces— it was just phenomenal. I talked to his troop leader. after his trip, and he was just like, I am amazed at your son and how far he has come. I was amazed when I realized it had been 14 miles. And it's not just the physical win, which is great that he's physically able to do it. It's his mental ability. It's his mental strength and grit and determination. And that's what the troop leader was talking about, is that he's just like, yeah, I got this. He never complains. He's ready. He works hard, pushes hard. So that is my son. And I am so proud of him. You know, I can't really take that much credit for who he is because a lot of that is his temperament and his personality, and he is just a perseverer. But to watch my son overcome his difficulties is a win for a mama. So that's my win. My fail. You know, I feel like my fail always begins with, I forgot something, but today it's really just a straight up, I feel like I am failing. I feel like I'm failing in this book writing process. And if you guys have been listening to me for a while, you should all know by now I've been writing a book for a while. And I just want to share this with you today to encourage you if you happen to be creating or doing something that is hard and that's a reflection of your soul. And from what I know about most women is that we're always doing that in whatever capacity, whether it's just raising our kids or, or working or living our life. And so. I'm just encouraging you today and sharing my straight-up vulnerable feelings of being a failure. I've been writing this book for almost a year now, and I've been beating myself up for not making deadlines. I have a deadline, by the way. Actually, it's kind of today because I'm going to be working with somebody on Friday about it. And I've been beating myself up for not making these deadlines and not getting it done faster. And I hear about all these people, these authors who wrote their book in a weekend and just had this inspiration and poured it out and it was done. And I have this crazy self-talk that I should be further or I should even be done, but here I am, I'm still plugging away and it's far from done. Maybe not far from done, but it's not— it's not near being complete. And sometimes I do feel like I'm failing, but when I open my tablet and I start writing, even if it's only a few sentences, I remember why I'm doing this and I get energized. The reality is this particular failure I'm talking about today, I can't tie it up with a pretty bow, but I just wanted to put it out there to let you guys know that you're not the only one if you're struggling right now with anything that you're doing or creating. And a lot of this even ties into the topic today. So there's my fail. And you guys will hear in the future how I've overcome that fail when my book comes out and onto our topic, it's never too late to live your best life. So most of us have dreams, ideas, and passions that we'd love to pursue. And we think of them from time to time. And then the next thought is, but I can't do that. You might come up with all kinds of excuses from the belief that you're too old, or maybe even you're just thinking that you don't have the skills, but the truth is that it's never too late to follow your dreams. And you might feel also that you've wasted parts of your life not doing what you were really designed to do. But I'm asking you today to look a little closer because you'll find out that those years that you've given your life to doing other things, maybe important things, I'm sure, that those years have given you life lessons and you have built skills that are preparing you for your now if you're brave enough to embark. I remember in my, I say my young kid years, meaning the years when my older kiddos were young, I had 3 young kids. They were all born within 2 years of each other. Now I still have a young girl because I have a 5-year-old, but my older ones are older, my older group. And in that young age where I was raising those 3, you know, when they were little, I was in the thick of it and was focused really on that, but I would regularly take opportunities to speak in public. I actually hated it, which is really odd, but I forced myself to do it, even if it was just getting up in front of a bunch of moms and giving a presentation. Or I took a position for a couple of years as a head of a homeschooling co-op because there was this little voice in my head that said, you need that practice, Zoe. One day you're going to be on stage speaking and you need that practice. And I don't know why or from where I had that knowledge, but it was there. And although I spent a lot of years not doing what I'm doing now, those were formative and growing years. They weren't stagnant years, and neither were yours, and neither are yours if you're in the thick of it right now. And so here I am really still in many ways embarking on a new career. I'm speaking to you. I love this podcast. I love speaking to you women, and I've been speaking on the stage and now is This season. So if you're in this place of being in the thick of it and maybe doing a lot that's not geared towards, you know, your passions, reframe your thoughts and realize that right now is an incubation period. And if you've been there, it was an incubation period. If you're in that space of thinking, oh, you know, I have these dreams and goals, or I used to love to do that, but it's past time. I can't do that anymore. I need to focus on being, you know, maybe realistic, or my time has just passed. I want you to listen up as I share with you some incredibly talented women who were late bloomers. Vera Wang. I have some of her dresses. She started out as a figure skater, and then she turned to journalism, and at 40, she started thinking of becoming a bridal designer. And now she's a globally renowned fashion designer, and she didn't even start thinking about doing that until she was 40. So don't be afraid to switch it up. Don't buy into the message that it's too late to pursue your old dreams or any new passions that you've discovered. I don't even think that fashion design was an old dream for Vera Wang. It's something she discovered over the course of her life. You know, there's something crazy that happens when you tell yourself lies about who you are and what you can do. When you limit yourself or you say, I'm too old, I should act my age, I need to give that up. Your brain and your body acquiesce. They say, okay, and they start acting that way. When you find that you're talking in a limited way, you've got to stop it. Replace it with encouraging self-talk. We humans were made to produce until we die. This concept of retiring is really a modern concept because a lot of people are not doing what they love to do. They're working in a job to make money to support themselves, and so they want to retire because that's not what they want to do. But when you're working in a passion, you don't have that feeling of wanting to retire and enjoy your life because you are enjoying your life. And I don't tend to ever retire, just like Maya Angelou or Mother Teresa and many others. When you're doing work you love and you believe you were designed to do, retirement really isn't a goal. So even if you retire from work you need to do to support your family, there are many years to do work you love to do to support your soul. Another one is J.K. Rowling's. She started Harry Potter— she's the author of Harry Potter, in case you don't know— when she was 32, but she didn't finish the series until she was 43 years old. Her first Harry Potter books weren't even that successful. She was living below the poverty line when she wrote the first book of the Harry Potter series, and she struggled financially, obviously, and she was also Plagued with depression. So she had multiple bouts of depression and she was able to use writing as an outlet to escape her darkest places. And eventually, obviously we all know that led her into this world of being a successful writer. So it's okay to use the negativity in your life to help catapult you, even as a foundation for pushing you forward. Remember, you cannot tell yourself the negative things that you can't for whatever reasons. I can't because I have depression. I can't because I, You know, didn't do this when I was younger. Patricia Field, she was a fashion designer who dressed Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex and the City, and she was nominated for 5 Emmys. She was 54 years old when she got that gig, and she worked for a number of years. I mean, she was, I think, probably close to 60 or more working as a fashion, you know, designer and Working in the fashion industry. And we all know that Sarah Jessica Parker was known for her fashion on Sex and the City, and this was done by a woman in her 50s and 60s. Judi Dench, an English actress. I know her best for her roles in the James Bond movies, but I'm sure you guys probably know her from a lot of her other work. But she didn't even really start blooming as an actress until she was in her 50s. Julia Child, one of the greatest culinary icons of all time. Julia Child, basically she was the one that created the whole idea of the modern celebrity chef, and she did it all after the age of 50. It's hard to believe, but this American icon, you know, in the cooking world, she didn't even learn to cook until she was 36 years old. She would actually wanted to be a novelist, and she wrote plays and short stories, and she submitted them, but they were never published. It was right before her 50th birthday that she finally became a bestseller of a cookbook. Her Emmy Award-winning PBS show, The French Chef, first aired in 1963 when she was 51 years old. There are many, many, many more women who didn't let their age or how long it took them stop them from accomplishing their goals. And, you know, these women, we can look at them and they're in the spotlight. They're easy to point out because, you know, they're celebrities. But there are also countless women who have found their passions later in life, and they've had tremendous joy living it out. I just thought of a woman that I know who started taking pottery classes in her 50s after her kids were grown and she'd raised them and she had some grandchildren. And within a few years, she was selling her pottery at fairs and events. And now she has her own store and she's, I guess, probably in her 60s at least. And I have some of her earlier pieces, her works in my home, because she just gave them to me. And now she laughs at how terrible she thought they were when, you know, they first got started. But it's amazing how far she's come. All of that to say that we were never meant to stop dreaming. As long as we have breath, we should be producing in this world, and we all have talents and abilities that are unique to us. And the world needs to experience. It's why we were put here on this earth. So if you're in a place right now where you're struggling maybe and feeling like, you know, your time has passed you by, it hasn't. It hasn't. The very first thing you need to do is to start journaling, start writing and thinking about the things that have always ignited you. And don't let those go. There are still ways that you can express them and enjoy them and live your best life that's based on not just duty and necessity, but also your passion. And you can do that by taking some classes, really just getting back to the things that maybe scare you. If you go to that place of, when I start thinking about or dreaming, what scares me? That's the thing. And it scares you because there's a part of you that really wants it. There's a part of you that wants to express yourself in that way, but you're a little scared because maybe you're scared of failing, or maybe you're scared of being judged. But that little thing that you think about from time to time that you're fascinated by, that ignites you a little bit, that's the thing you need to start cultivating in your life. And it's never too late and you're never too old. You know, when people are interviewed on their deathbeds or they write about their lives in autobiographies, the major regrets tend to relate to things that they didn't do, things that were not done. It's not things that they did. And in older age, it's likely that you'll be uncomfortable with the idea that you didn't ever try to do that thing that you love or attempt to do or obtain what you truly wanted. Remember, it's mostly things that people didn't do that they regret. And it's painful to feel like you haven't ever found your true purpose, but you don't ever need to feel this way because you can decide that you're going to be on a journey to find it, that you're going to be on a journey to figure out the best way that you can express it for you in your life. And really, it's a journey to avoiding regret. So think small changes. Small changes can create huge ripples. Think of the small things that I talked about doing, the little times that I stepped up and said, yes, I'll speak. Yes, I'll get in front of people. And that began to lay a foundation for me talking on a bigger platform. So when you think of following your dreams, just think of baby steps. They will add up. Start exploring and be curious. Embrace the changes in your life. So as you think about the cycles and the seasons of your life, it's so important to embrace them because with the close of each chapter, there's an opening of a new one. And some people, all they see is a closed chapter. All they see is that, you know, things have passed or done and they can't get those anymore instead of focusing on the door that's opening. Because when you focus on the close, it impedes you from seeing and experiencing and walking into the new chapter and to the new door with excitement. And remember, your identity is not set in stone. You are writing the story and you can change the next chapter if you dare. And that's my challenge to you today. Dare to do it. Next up is Real Talk. This is Real Talk where I answer questions from my listeners and I share my own musings and encouragement. Please reach out if you have some questions you'd like me to address on the show. For you You ladies who have reached out, I am diligently getting to your questions. It will happen and I will email you when I get to your questions. Sometimes it just takes a little, a little time because I have a lot of questions I have to answer every week and I love it. I love it. So this question was curated from my column at thegritandgraceproject.org and you can always submit questions directly to me by emailing me at zoe@drzoeshaw.com. So this woman asked this question: My marriage broke up about 7 months ago. In the last few days, we've been seriously discussing divorce. I've been grieving the last 7 months, but these conversations have brought on new, almost overwhelming waves of grief. How do I cope? Yeah, this is a difficult one. I feel like I say that with all questions because reality is life is complicated. We have difficult questions, and thank you so much for asking. So I'm glad you used the word grief because that's exactly Exactly what you are doing. You're grieving, and grief sucks always, but it's also a necessary and healthy process when you're dealing with your loss. So we talked about seasons. This, this one is your season of grief. You need to feel it. You need to eat some ice cream, wallow in it for a moment, cry, scream, get it out. Stop telling yourself that it's overwhelming. It's not overwhelming. It just Is. Saying your grief is overwhelming is like saying water is too wet. Water is wet and grief sucks, but you're going to get over this. So how do you cope? You need to set up an intention for your grief. First, I want you to understand— well, understand some of the stages of grief in relation to what's going on with your possible divorce. The first stage of grief is denial or disbelief, and I think that you're coming out of this stage after 7 months of separation because it's finally hitting you that this is happening. And I know it feels like you've been hit by a brick and the whole world has shifted, which in many ways internally it has for you. And that's how you're supposed to feel. It's an emotional trauma response, and divorce can be very traumatic. Another stage— well, another thing that you're feeling right now is pain and fear. And this is also where you are right now. It hurts and it hurts, and you're more terrified. There's probably things that you can't even vocalize regarding your fears, and that's okay too. Your brain is spinning and it's trying to readjust and it will. It's gonna right itself. You're also angry or you have been. You are angry at your spouse and you're angry at yourself and maybe you're angry at the world and friends and family who aren't as supportive as you had hoped they would be. You might be angry at the legal system. I can go on and on and on about all the ways that you might be angry, but your job in this phase is to figure out how to get it all out in super healthy ways. Exercise, use a punching bag, punch pillows. Don't punch your walls or your spouse, but punch other soft things that won't hurt you. Journal. I can't talk too much about journaling. Talking to supportive friends or a therapist, diving into a new or previously abandoned passion. Just start moving. Put one foot in front of the other. Another stage of grief is bargaining. When you're in the stage of bargaining, Basically what you do is you kind of go back and think, what if, and I could have, or you make certain promises to yourself to change or promises to your spouse to change. And you're trying to figure out a way that you can bend yourself into a pretzel to make this pain go away. That's not so productive. You can't go back and change what already happened. Trying to be somebody you aren't isn't going to fix it either. Guilt is another stage. You question whether you did enough to try to save the marriage or how you could have done things differently. You obsess over how this is going to affect your kids. Another phase of grief sometimes is depression, and this is one of the toughest ones, and some people actually do get stuck here, but it's totally healthy and it's expected that you'll be sad, that you might have trouble feeling motivated to do anything. You may feel hopeless. You might feel angry or irritable, and you might have trouble sleeping or feeling like you can concentrate. Maybe you'll eat too much or too little. This is the time to lean on your friends and family as much as possible. And if this whole depression part phase of your grief lasts more than 6 months, then you might want to get professional help. If it doesn't, ride it out, girl. It's going to get better. The last phase of grief is acceptance. The most beautiful part of your story is that point where you move on, and that's what's going to happen in your story too. Acceptance is that place where you start to see the gifts in the loss, where you recognize that throughout all of it, you've developed an amazing strength that you probably didn't even know existed. This is the time when you can finally say, it's going to be all right. I know I'm going to be okay. And you believe it. That's the tough— that's the tough part. You got to keep saying this to yourself, but when you start believing it, then you know you've gone into acceptance. And in the acceptance stage, you've developed a new normal. So the old normal is never going to come back, and that's okay because a new normal can feel just as good. Where you can feel connected with your life and like you're moving on with purpose. So you get over grief by walking through it. There's no healthy shortcut. I really wish there were, but there's no healthy shortcut. So here's your homework. Get some tissue, maybe get a whole box of tissue, and write down as many things as you can think, big and small, of the fear that you're losing in this divorce. So write down as many things as you can think of or fear that you're losing. Write down the things that you think you're losing in this divorce. Spend some time and get them all out. Try to do maybe at least 25. If you can come up with 50, that's even better. Put them down on paper and walk away. In 6 months, I want you to go back and I want you to make a list of all the gifts you've gotten from this marriage. And yes, even from this divorce. Put it away, wait another 6 months, and add these to your list of gifts. And you'll see that you're growing, and you'll see that you're going to be well on your way to acceptance. The tricky part though is that grief isn't linear. So it's not like, okay, you hit this stage, then you hit that stage, then you hit that stage. That can happen that way. But often as you grow, new things come up and you cycle through the stages and it takes time for you to, you know, really cycle through to completion. So you've just got to know you've got amazing things coming for you in your life and in your family. And this is just the next season and it's going to come in due time when you honor this season of grief. You've got this. So thanks for tuning in to the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss a show. If you're interested in coaching or therapy, or you just want to get a little more help, go to my website at drzoeshaw.com or any of my social medias at the handle Dr. Zoe Shaw. Join my free newsletter by texting the word join to 38470. I look forward to speaking with you awesome women throughout the week. I love it when you email me and give me feedback or ask me questions. Have a great week.

You've been listening to Welcome back to the Dr. Zoe Show, redefining your superwoman with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of— The Dr. Zoe Show.