62: Why Be Thankful If Your Life Sucks? | Dr. Zoe Shaw

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed psychotherapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a life and relationship coach and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. My passion is helping women find their superpower, learn to embrace it, and share it with the world. Connect with me by texting the word join to 38470 or go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. I need to apologize because I have a little cold. My daughter so graciously gave it to me. She climbed into my bed in the middle of the night. She was sick, and I woke up with a spray of moisture in my face, which was her coughing all over. So in that moment, I knew I was pretty much doomed. It was just a ticking time bomb. And I'm guessing that I am not the only mama who has been through something like that. So the topic today is how to be thankful when life sucks. I'm gonna start out first with my Superwoman win and fail, y'all. Do it every week, so here we go. So my fail, you guys are probably gonna laugh at me, but I'm on Instagram. I hope you guys follow me on Instagram. That's like my major social place. Most of you know that I have a column at the Grit and Grace Project. Which is a fantastic online women's magazine. You guys should all check it out. And The Grit and Grace asked me to take over their Instagram story. See, I'm already probably saying it wrong. So I pretend out there like I'm totally social media savvy, like I know what I'm doing. My Instagram looks that way. Truth, I'm like totally winging it and I don't really know all that much about social media. So they asked me, I'm like, oh sure. Cause I'm in the habit of, you know, hey, I take every opportunity. That sounds great. I kind of failed to mention to them, or maybe I kind of did, but they didn't get it that I didn't really know how to do an Insta Story takeover. And I didn't really know what I was doing, but I said yes in the moment, moment. Cause it sounded great. I think I assumed they would teach me or tell me, and they probably assumed, hey, she's got an Instagram. She's got almost 10K followers. She knows what she's doing. So the day came when I was supposed to do it and I realized, oh, it's today. And I don't know what to do. So I did an Instagram Live, not the same as a story. I just felt like I totally failed. And I'm like emailing them or Insta messaging them. Like, I don't know what I'm doing. Is this what you guys want? It was just kind of hilarious, but not because I totally felt like an idiot. And it wasn't until later in the day when Julie Graham— thank you, Julie. Shout out to Julie. She helped me. She emailed me with some nice arrows and directions showing me what to do. And I got my Insta Story going. So it was probably already like evening time before I figured it out. But hey, it was a big learning curve, total fail because I didn't tell them, hey, look, I don't know how to do this. And somehow that didn't get communicated. But anyway, I did my best. And my win is that they actually told me that it was good. I don't know if they were lying, but they told me that it was good and it seemed to be somewhat of a success. So that's my win, even though, you know, I kind of winged it. And I happen to go about life winging it, guys. That's kind of how I do. But sometimes you really just need to not. You need to know what you're doing. That was one of the times. So on to our topic today, how to be thankful when life just sucks. Okay, so if you are going through a hard time— did you hear my big sigh? I'm like, oh, let's talk about this because I'm going to talk about some tough stuff. So If you're going through a hard time right now, you probably might wanna smack me because you're probably, you know, thinking I'm already feeling horrible and here you are suggesting that I find something to be grateful for. I already know where this is going, but here's the deal. You clicked on this episode because there's a part of you that wants to feel better. There's a part of you that wants to have some hope. And here we are, we're coming up on the holidays. It's almost Thanksgiving. We're supposed to feel thankful, right? And you might also be thinking that I don't really get you. Like, I haven't been through anything difficult like you have. Well, no one can ever fully get you, of course, because your story is unique. Everyone's story is unique, but pain is pain. And I have definitely had my share. I'm writing a memoir that outlines some of my struggles as a mom, as a wife, as a teen, and then just going up through my adulthood and the strength that I've gained as a result of all of my struggles. It never really occurred to me that I could help anyone heal through my story, but that is my hope, and for that I am grateful. It's hard to tell your story, by the way, so that's just like a side note, but I'm getting there. So maybe you're going through a hard time right now. Maybe your marriage is suffering. Maybe your world has been rocked by adultery. Maybe Your spouse has an addiction or your child has a disease. Maybe your parent is dying. I don't know your life, but I do know what it's like to feel like the world keeps on going and you've been kicked off of the merry-go-round. That's the best way I can explain when I've been in that kind of place when everything's kind of falling apart and I feel like everybody else's life is just going on with the nice beautiful music, you know, around and somehow I got kicked off that merry-go-round and I'm sitting here standing like, what in the world? What do I do now? And everybody else doesn't get me. Their life is going on and mine has stopped. Just like muscles grow as a result of a breaking-down process, emotional and psychological strength is created through a very similar process as well. Now, we all know it doesn't feel good, especially when you're out of shape, to work out. It hurts. And so let me give you a biological reason Why gratitude is actually hard for us. So I already know you're going through difficult stuff, but we are biologically wired to ignore the good and find the bad. It's a negativity bias that actually keeps us safe. Think about some of the things that we say when we send our loved ones off. We say, you know, be on the lookout for— I do this to my son all the time. You know, he's driving now. He's— my baby's a senior getting ready for college, but You know, I'll say, look out for people on the road who aren't, you know, doing what they're supposed to do. You have to be a defensive driver. Watch out for this. We don't usually encourage them to find the good, but instead we try to make sure that they're protecting themselves from the bad. Biologically, we can ignore the good things because they can't harm us. So we have to focus on the bad because the bad stuff can be dangerous. And of course, this goes back to Caveman Dave and the lions. Cavemen days and the lions and, you know, the things that we really had to be hyper-aware of. So now that you understand why you have that bias, why it's hard to find the gratitude because we are biologically wired not to do that, you can work on changing it because it is a biological function, but it's just not as useful in this modern world where lions are not lurking around every corner to eat us. Gratitude is a choice, and when you fully embrace this concept, you'll be able to find reasons to always be grateful. Keep listening. Keep listening. When you can do that, you're increasing your health and you're living your best life. There's a podcast called On Being, and there was a title of an episode. It was called The Anatomy of Gratitude, and it was an interview with David Steindl-Rast. Who was a Benedictine monk who, as a young boy, he survived the fascist occupation in his country, and he talked about a lot of the horrors that he witnessed, and he said some really insightful and inspiring things. This is one of the things he said. Can you be grateful for everything? No, no one can be grateful for war or pain or the suffering of a loved one, but within every moment, Every moment, there's an opportunity to be grateful for something. So as you're thinking about your situation and thinking, there is nothing I can be grateful for, you don't understand. In every moment, there's an opportunity to be grateful for something. And I know it's easy to feel grateful when things are going great, although we often forget to do that. The challenge is to feel grateful when things are at their lowest. So how do you do this? Start super small. It's baby steps with everything, you guys. Find anything. I'm grateful that I can walk, or I'm grateful that I can see. I'm grateful that I have a place to sleep at night. I'm grateful that my child hugged me today. Pick something and take 1 minute to just focus and actually feel that emotion of thankfulness. I want you to say 1 thing you could be thankful for and then feel it. Take a moment to pay attention to it and think how wonderful it is that you have that one thing. And then I want you to say thank you out loud, whether you're thanking God, the universe, thank you out loud. I believe in thanking God personally. Here is my challenge to you during this thankfulness season. Pick one thing that was the hardest thing that you dealt with this year. And then I want you to identify one thing that you can be grateful for in that difficulty. You know, I can think of a number of things that were, you know, really challenging this year. My daughter had surgery. My son had a car accident. If I think of the course of, you know, many years, there's, you know, been illnesses and death. And every year there's something. Every year comes with its own thing. And if you can think about, okay, Let me look back on this year. What's the most difficult thing I went through? What is the one thing I can feel grateful for? And I also challenge you to help your future self today by writing one thing per day that you are thankful for, no matter how big or small. And then when life does hit hard again, I want you to take that jar out. I want you to write one thing on a, on a piece of paper, put it in a jar, and put it away. Every day. And then remind yourself of how many things you were able to find that you could be thankful for amidst a trying time. It will remind you that even during trying times, you can be thankful. And here's the thing: gratitude works. So if you've tuned into this podcast today to try to feel better, listen up. It's been proven gratitude works. And it's totally free. If you make a regular habit of speaking gratitude to yourself, even before you believe it— listen to what I'm saying. You don't have to believe the words that you say to yourself in order for them to have a profound effect on you. This works all of the time for us in a negative way. We say all kinds of negative things to ourselves, or we take other people's negativity on even when we don't believe it until we start believing it. But you can turn it around and use it positively for yourself. Your brain believes what you tell it regularly. Over time, you'll find that finding things to be grateful for actually becomes easier and easier, and you'll actually begin to feel grateful all of the time, or most of the time. Once it becomes a habit, you'll find your mindset changing, and then your mood will change. And when that shifts, your energy shifts, and you actually start to draw more positivity and things in your life to feel grateful for. Yes, it's this wonderful process. So if it seems like everything in your life sucks right now, gratitude can be the major force shift that you need in your life right now. The last thing I'm going to ask you to do is visualize. Do it right now. If you have a second, a minute, you're listening to this podcast, do it right now. Visualize your life this time next year. Whatever is going on in your life is now resolved. You're feeling better. That season is over. What have you overcome? Where are you right now? What are you feeling? What have you accomplished? I want you to focus on that, and I want you to try to focus on that regularly every day. Catapult yourself a year from now when this issue, when whatever it is you're going through, is over with, and I want you to visualize all the good. That you are going to be experiencing now, which is in many ways a direct result of the crap that you're experiencing right now, or all the good you're going to feel then. Remember, when you're in a tunnel, focus on the light. You will get there. Reach out if you need help. Next up, it's Real Talk. This is Real Talk where I answer questions from my listeners and I share my own musings and encouragement. Please reach out if you have some questions you'd like me to address on the show. And for you guys who have reached out, I am getting to Thank you. Thank you. And I am getting to them. Sometimes it does take me a little while. All questions are anonymously, and I take your confidentiality seriously as if you were my own client. You can email questions to zoe@drzoeshaw.com or connect with me on any of my social medias. This question was curated from my column at thegrittengraceproject.org. You can always submit your questions directly to me by emailing me also at zoe@drzoeshaw.com. So here's a great question. How long do I stay in a marriage with a narcissist who continually emotionally and verbally abuses me? Can he be treated or healed through counseling? I love this man with all my heart and I have since middle school. I'm now in my mid-40s. I left and divorced him once and then after 18 months apart, we reconnected. We went to counseling weekly for 8 months. We remarried and it hasn't even been a year since our wedding and I've moved out again. I don't want another divorce, but can he be healed from narcissistic traits? I can't stay in an abusive marriage no matter how much I love him. Okay, so because he is emotionally and verbally abusing you, I'm sorry to say you've already stayed too long. I could literally drop the mic right there because that's a complete answer and none of the other stuff really matters. I know you want to hear more, so here's— here you go. But literally, I'm saying you've already stayed too long. I know you love him, but the truth is that love is no good reason to get married, and lack of love, of course, is no good reason to get divorced, but love is no good reason to get married or to stay married. You've called him a narcissist. I don't know if he really is or if he's just a jerk, but once again, none of that matters. True narcissistic personality disorder is formed very early and it's longstanding. There's no medication for it, and many professionals will say that there is no cure. I don't necessarily believe that, but if there is a cure to be had, it would take a couple of years of intensive individual psychotherapy from someone specifically very skilled in narcissistic personality disorder. 8 months of weekly couples counseling is not going to do it, and it obviously— it didn't, because here you are right here again. So I'm glad to say that you know that you can't live in a marriage with someone who is abusing you. You're right. You cannot, not in any healthy way. And this realization is the first step. You've known him since middle school. You divorced him once. He hasn't changed. I'm very sorry to say he's not going to change. I'm being super direct because I care and I really want you to hear what I'm saying. Sometimes we have these rose-colored glasses on and we don't want to really see the truth. I'm glad you moved out. Don't let him convince you again that it will be different next time. That realization hurts, and it's tough to move on when you have put so much time and energy and hope into a relationship. I get that. But when someone shows you who they are, you have to believe it. When someone shows you who they are, you have to believe it. This next season of your life It needs to be about you. It needs to be about you working on yourself, including individual therapy of your own so that you can understand how you got here to begin with and the effects of the years of abuse, what that has had on you. There's a lot of healing for you to do, but the good news is that you can and you will heal from this. Reach out if you need more help, but you've already taken the first big step. Good job. Thank you. Thanks for tuning in to the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss a show. If you're interested in coaching or therapy or you just want to get a little more help, go to my website at drzoeshaw.com or any of my social medias at the handle Dr. Zoe Shaw. Join my free newsletter by texting the word join to 38470, and I look forward to speaking with you wonderful ladies on social media. Have a super week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, redefining Your Superwoman with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of the Dr. Zoe Show.