63: Why No Relationship Will Make You Happy | Dr. Zoe Shaw

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed psychotherapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a life and relationship coach and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. My passion is helping women find their superpower, learn to embrace it, and share it with the world. Connect with me by texting the word join to 38470 or go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. So today's topic is why no relationship can make you happy and what you should do about it. And we are going to get to that in just a minute. But first, I'm excited to share this Superwoman win. So my client got a 28.5% raise. Yay! I've been working with her for months and we've been working on approaching her boss and self-confidence and body language and all kinds of fun stuff to get her in a place where she's really earning what she deserves. And she finally approached her and got a 28.5% raise. Her boss started with the 10%. So woohoo, that is a professional win for me. That is an awesome win for my client. So very excited. So ladies, what that tells you is number one, life coaching can really help. It can make you some money. But really just make sure you're getting paid what you deserve to be paid. Don't expect others to look out for you. Don't expect others to recognize your talent or be willing to really pay for it. You have to do it yourself. It's awesome when other people do, but you're responsible for looking out for yourself. So it's an awesome win for my client. Now she can go to work feeling great about her job because she knows she's getting paid what she's worth. And another little tip to invest in yourself. I can't say this enough. It will pay back. I used to never invest in myself, but I've learned this firsthand and through my clients even how beneficial it can be to invest in a coach. I have a coach, I have a therapist, I have it all now. So yeah, just great win. My fail. Oh, you know, you win some, you lose some, but my fail really boils down to sleep, but I was getting ready for a client. This was a virtual client, so I was seeing him in my quote virtual office, which is my bedroom. And I went upstairs to get set up and ready to see him. And I had to do a little bit of prep before reading some stuff to talk to him, some things that he had sent me. And I read all of the stuff. I was ready and kind of had like, I don't know, maybe 5 minutes, just kind of relaxing and waiting for the session to start. The next thing I know, my phone rings. It's kind of those worst case, like you wake up and you're like, what? Where am I? What just happened? My phone rings. It's my client. It's like 10 minutes after the hour. So I had literally fallen asleep for 15 minutes. I don't even know what position I was in. I mean, I was sitting in a chair. I must've been that tired and didn't realize it. And he woke me up. What just happened? And It's funny because then we got on the video and he's like, did you fall asleep? I'm like, I totally fell asleep. I don't know what happened. I was waiting for the session to start and fell asleep. So anyway, that's my fail. And that's just another little wake-up call for me is I need to get on my sleep. I've talked to you guys before about that. I need my 7.5. So since then, I've been really good about doing that because I didn't even realize in that moment that I was tired. So great lessons. Wisdom is learning from other people's mistakes. So onto the topic, why no relationship can make you happy. When it comes to this topic about relationships, I'm talking to single women. I'm talking to married women. I'm talking to women who are dating. I am talking to all women out there because we all have relationships. No relationship, whether it's the relationship with your parent, your husband, your boyfriend, your kid, your best friend, your teacher, I don't care what the relationship is. No relationship can make you happy. When I hear these words, he doesn't make me happy anymore, I always cringe a little bit inside. And I even cringe when someone says, he makes me so happy, because inevitably the flip side is coming. A relationship is not meant to make you happy. It's nobody's job to make you happy but your own. I do believe that God made us humans to be in relationship with each other, to need relationship from each other. I know that. Research has shown that. But when you assume that someone else should be making you happy, you're committing these 4 crimes against yourself. First, you're giving them control over your emotions. Your emotions suddenly become a roller coaster based on how the other person is feeling. Or how you perceive them to be feeling. That's a big one. And you're no longer in control of yourself. You've just given them full control over your emotions if you're saying, make me happy. I expect this relationship to make me happy. Number 2 is you don't take ownership and responsibility of your own feelings and your own happiness. Number 3, you create failure in this. So maybe everyone else in your life has failed you— your parents, your best friends, your family— and one day you meet this guy That makes you feel loved, and you're trying to fill voids that others have left with the relationship. But what happens is that you end up just idealizing and idolizing this person. And if your partner is human, which I assume that they are, he will fail. It's just a matter of when and how, and boom, now you're not happy anymore. That's the critical mistake. Humans fail each other in relationships, not purposefully, not because we want to hurt people, but because that's part of being human. And you cannot rely on someone else for your happiness. And when you are putting— number 4, when you're putting an unreasonable and unfair burden on your partner, you're saying, this is now your responsibility, my happiness. It's already unhealthy. It's an unhealthy relationship because if you don't even know how to make you happy, how in the world do you expect him to figure it out? He can't. You're just setting him up for failure. A relationship isn't meant to fill the voids that others have left. It isn't meant to replace or to help you forget anyone. A relationship isn't a solution to all the messed up people you've had to endure. So, okay, maybe you're asking, what's the point of a relationship then? Well, let me tell you. Relationships are about partnership. 2 are better than one because 2 can get stuff done. A healthy relationship is reciprocal, where you guys are partners in everything or almost everything. You're working together for your goals, for your family, for your family business, whatever it is you're trying to accomplish, relationships, healthy ones, are about a partnership, about working together for common goals, passions, ideas, and supporting each other. Relationships are also about growth. A good partner puts a mirror up to your face and challenges you to grow. Now, growth doesn't always feel good or make you happy, especially in that moment. That's another reason why you can't expect somebody else to make you happy, because really that purpose of the relationship, part of it is for growth. And so that mirror helps you grow. It doesn't make you happy, but it does make you healthier. A relationship is also about healing. I truly believe that our healthiest relationships and Imago therapy is kind of based on this idea that we seek people out. To heal ourselves and our healthiest relationships do create healing because we love each other through our awesome and we love each other through our disgusting. And in the process of being vulnerable, truly vulnerable with somebody else, we develop areas that were previously weak. And this is healing. Now, I'm not saying, of course, that happiness cannot be found in a mature loving relationship. It can be. And actually, happiness is an inevitable consequence if you two are really growing together. But happiness is not the goal. Happiness is a byproduct of working towards the goal of growth, partnership, and mutual healing. So once you've relieved all those people in your life— your mom, your dad, your husband, your children, your best friend— once you've relieved them of the burden of making you happy, Now you get to go on with your life, figuring out how to do it on your own. When you no longer need them for your happiness, then you have the gift of enjoying them. It's pretty amazing. When you don't need them for your happiness, you have the joy of enjoying them for who they are and not who you need them to be for you. The most beautiful thing about that is that you get back more from the relationship when you're showing up in a place that's not needy, Not sad or angry. And many of you who have listened to me for any length of time have heard me say that love is no good reason to get married and lack of love is no good reason to get divorced. Well, I'm going to add happiness to that equation. Happiness is no good reason to get married and lack of happiness is no good reason to get divorced. And I'll take a step even further to say that if you are in a place right now, and I know it's a bad place and you might be struggling, if you're contemplating ending a marriage or relationship because your partner doesn't make you happy anymore, don't do it. It's not going to fix your problem. And even as I say these words, I can feel a woman out there saying, wait, you don't know my situation. You don't know how horrible this relationship is. Yes, I do. I've seen every gamut of horrible relationships in the process of my work and my life. And barring any physical abuse, I still say Don't do it yet, because your new task is to figure out how to be happy even in your miserable relationship. And you might think that this sounds preposterous. It's not. When you yourself have finally grown to a point where you can look at him and be happy, even if he isn't giving you X, Y, and Z, even if he isn't bringing to the table what he ought to be bringing in your relationship, then you can evaluate whether you need to go. Or let the relationship go from a logical point of view, and you'll be a healthier, happier person because you're already leaving happy. It can only go up from there, right? And if you find though that once you are happy, the issues in the relationship aren't as bad as you thought they were, or those issues have faded into the background noise, then you'll be thankful to yourself That you didn't leave. And guess what? You'll still be happy. It's a win-win. And I'm not saying it's easy. Please don't think that I'm saying it's easy. It's simple, just like running a marathon is very simple. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other for 26.2 miles. Simple, right? But it's not easy. It takes some real soul-searching, on-purpose kind of living that is totally doable when you begin to make a habit of being happy. And you have to be happy on purpose. It does have to be a purposeful thing. It has to be something that you are intentioning. Abraham Lincoln said that most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. And I think those words are so truthful. I've learned them in my life over the course of my life. I've learned how to be happy in many, many situations. So how can you get started? So you get started by making a decision. I'm going to be happy. Because I've decided to be happy. Now you have to understand that we don't get happy when life gets perfect. We get happy when we are expressing our purpose in the world and walking on the path that God put us on this earth to walk. So you've got to ask yourself, am I walking in my purpose? And am I walking in my passion? And if you don't even know the answer to that question or those questions, this is where you have to start. Figuring out those first things. What in the world is my purpose? What in the world is my passion? Am I walking in it? Have I not even been paying attention to that because I've been so worried about this guy making me happy as if he could do it? And remember, he can't. So you got to go back to yourself. What are you doing? Are you where you're supposed to be in your life? And if you do know the answer, And it's no, then you need to figure out what small change you can make today to start turning yourself in that direction. Take the focus off of whether he is making you happy and focus how you can make yourself happy, and you will be amazed at how it will all fall into place. That's my little tip today. Remember, relationships Can't make you happy. Only you can. Next up, health tip. I haven't done a health tip for a while. Our minds and our bodies are intimately connected, and that is why I have a health tip segment. So stop the comparisons, ladies. My health tip for today is that you can actually maintain your level of fitness by going to the gym just once a week. It might sound a little crazy, but I have researched this and I have tried this myself. You're not going to make any gains, but you can maintain So when you get yourself to a point where you are happy, there's that word happy, content with where you are physically, and it probably takes working out 5 days a week or 4 to 5, maybe even 6 days a week. But when you get yourself to that point, and I was doing that for a while and I was going to the gym 3 times a week, and about a year ago, I kind of got myself to a place where I was really happy with my body and I decided, okay. I need to spend less time at the gym and more time doing other things in my life. Is this even possible? So I started researching it and looking it up. Is it possible to maintain going once a week? And I figured out how to do it. So I go to the gym only on Sundays. Now, I didn't say you can only work out once a week. I work out more than that. I work out probably about 4 times a week at least. But on the other days that I don't go to the gym, I do a 30-minute workout, nothing more. I have no time for anything more. And I go to the gym for about 2 hours on early, early Sunday morning and I'm able to maintain. The beautiful thing is when you get yourself to where you want to be, you can actually maintain with doing less than you were when you were getting yourself there. So that's my little health tip. Next up, Real Talk. So this is Real Talk where I answer questions from my listeners and I share my own musings and encouragement. Please reach out if you have some questions you'd like me to address on the show. All questions are anonymous. I take your confidentiality seriously as if you were my own client. You can email questions to zoe@drzoeshaw.com or connect with me on any of my social medias. And this question was curated from my column at thegritandgraceproject.org. And you can always submit your questions directly to me by emailing me at zoe@drzoeshaw.com. So here's the question. My 12-year-old middle child gets very angry. He's belligerent and moody and verbally unkind to his immediate family. What are some ways to handle this aggressive behavior? Well, I've been a mama of a 12-year-old 3 times so far, 2 boys and a girl, and I know how very difficult they can be sometimes. Occasionally, their wonderful, beautiful, brilliant self shines through and you're like, there's my kid, there you are, I missed you, and then they disappear again. So clearly, though, your son is angry, and let's make an assumption Which I think we should always do, is that he has a good reason to be angry. I don't know what his reason is. Part of your job is to figure that out. But what you can do is let him know that you feel that his anger makes sense. So you validate his anger. And this is really important because when you validate anybody's anger, you can sit there and watch it dissipate. This is like customer service 101, right? It's the customer is always right, but you also always validate whatever the customer is feeling because it actually works. So validate your son's anger and watch how it dissipates. Because when we don't feel validated, we feel like we have to argue and be loud and difficult in order to make sure that the other person actually sees our pain. And he may not have big pain. It might only be, you know, the painful angst of adolescence and his developmental stage, but pain is pain and he feels it. So once you've established with him that his anger makes sense and that it's okay, then your job is to teach him how to express it and redirect it in a healthy way. These are things we actually have to be taught, and a lot of times parents are just kind of trying to dampen down their kids' anger, like, you shouldn't be angry, and don't do that, and that's not okay, instead of going, hey, you know what? If that happened to me, I'd be angry too, and this is what you can do about it. So he needs to know that you will never punish him for being angry or even for having a bad attitude. That's a little bit of a stretch, I know, but some things you do have to ignore. And I know from experience that a sullen preteen is no fun and they can kind of spoil the whole deal, but it's actually not really grounds for punishment. You've got to let him know that all of his emotions are good emotions, even anger, even sadness, even— well, it's not really an emotion, but us having to deal with them being difficult. You've got to let him know that it's okay to be angry, but it's never okay to make bad choices when he's angry. So here's a good set of rules for preteens and their anger. These are healthy ways that you can talk to your preteen about expressing their anger. Number 1, talk it out, right? This is a hard one because sometimes with boys, you have to actually give them words for their anger. And it's okay for you to say something like, I'm guessing you might be angry because your dad and I made a decision about your life without even consulting you. And this actually gives him an opportunity to correct you maybe and say, no, that's not why I'm angry, or to tell you what's really going on, or maybe even just to feel understood. Next, you can suggest that he write down any thoughts or words. Yes, even bad words, anything that he's thinking or feeling, suggest that he put it on a piece of paper. Now here's the thing. No one's going to read that paper. He's going to write it down and he's going to rip it, shred it, Whatever he needs to do and get rid of it. And the cool thing with this exercise is that it helps to release a lot of negativity that he really shouldn't be holding and maybe can't really talk about. And the even better thing is that he gets to actually destroy the evidence, which is kind of both symbolic, you know, because he's destroying those yucky feelings, and it also keeps his thoughts confidential, which he deserves to have. So when he knows that no one's going to read them, Then he'll probably be a lot more blunt and honest, and that can be a really cathartic experience for him. Next, a really good tip is punching a pillow. It's one that I teach my younger ones all the way up to my, you know, adolescents. You might not like the idea of teaching your son to punch anything, but trust me, punching a pillow or a punching bag will not lead to punching people or self-harm. Actually, it's quite the opposite. Physical moderate activity, especially when you're verbalizing at the same time, releases chemicals that calm you down, and punching soft things can actually create this experience in a healthy way. So just because you're teaching your son to punch things when he's angry does not mean that he's going to generalize and punch things that are inappropriate. Once again, you're always reinforcing that anger is fine. The way you behave is super important because it's not ever excusable to have bad behavior when you're angry. So make sure your son also knows, of course, that, you know, there are those boundaries and that some things are absolutely unacceptable when he's angry. You might want to just make it super clear. So what are the unacceptable things that are not okay to do when you're angry? Number 1, it's not acceptable to be disrespectful by words or behavior. Number 2, becoming physical with another person or yourself in any potentially harmful way is totally unacceptable when you're angry. And number 3, breaking the rules. So ultimately, it's important to know that anger is really just an emotion that tells us something doesn't feel right. That's it. That's what anger is. You don't need to fear your child's anger, and I wouldn't even worry that it's necessarily a sign of anything bad. You just need to talk to him, talk to him openly when he's not angry, and give him some tools to deal with his anger in a healthy way. Your job is to stay consistent Constant, to not move up and down with his emotions, and you need to be the rock that centers him. You've got this. Reach out if you need some more help. Thanks for tuning in to the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss a show. And if you're interested in coaching or therapy, or you just want to get a little more help, go to my website at drzoeshaw.com or any of my social medias at the handle Dr. Zoe Shaw. Join my free newsletter by texting the word join to 38470, and I look forward to speaking with you wonderful ladies on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman, with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills For keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of The Dr. Zoe Show.