In this episode of the Dr. Zoe Show, licensed psychotherapist and life coach Dr. Zoe Shaw opens with a personal "Superwoman" win (hiring a new assistant) and a fail (gaining 12 lb over Thanksgiving) to illustrate the need for self‑compassion and realistic health goals. She then pivots to the central theme: self‑knowledge. Dr. Zoe explains that many women go through life without truly studying themselves, and she outlines a step‑by‑step process for uncovering one’s values, beliefs, boundaries, strengths, weaknesses, passions, fears, and purpose. She warns against "idyllic" values that look good on paper but don’t align with lived experience, and she encourages listeners to write down their true values, examine the accuracy of their beliefs (citing the idea that 50 % of what we think is true is false), and continuously question their motivations. The episode also includes a health tip about maintaining a body‑maintenance level of exercise rather than constantly striving for rapid change. The second half of the show is a "Real Talk" segment where Dr. Zoe answers a listener’s question about navigating a divorce after infidelity. She distinguishes between the legal divorce and the emotional divorce, describes the grieving stages (anger, confusion, lingering love), and offers concrete advice: make a pros‑and‑cons list about the ex‑spouse, recognize that love alone isn’t a sufficient reason to stay together, and focus on rebuilding a new personal normal by pursuing individual goals, passions, and boundaries. She emphasizes that moving forward requires actively refusing to romanticize the past and committing to self‑focused growth. The episode ends with calls to action for listeners to subscribe, join her newsletter, and seek coaching or therapy if needed.
Questions this video answers
Dr. Zoe explains that divorce occurs on two levels—legal and emotional—and both must be addressed. She notes the listener is moving through grief stages (anger, then confusion). She advises making a detailed list of reasons the ex‑spouse would or would not be a good partner, evaluating it as if meeting him for the first time, and recognizing that love alone isn’t a sufficient reason to stay together. She recommends actively refusing to entertain fantasies of reconciliation, focusing on personal goals and passions, and creating a new normal without the relationship, while allowing herself to still feel love without letting it dictate decisions.
Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.
Welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed psychotherapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a life and relationship coach, and I'm a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. My passion is helping women find their superpower, learn to embrace it, and share it with the world. It sounds so simple and Simple isn't always easy, but that's definitely my passion. You can connect with me by texting the word join to 38470 or go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. Today's topic is, do you even know who you are? Right? Do you know? So before we get there, I'm going to share my Superwoman win and a Superwoman fail. If you guys are new to listening to the podcast, you know, I was walking the other day and I was just thinking it's, Pretty amazing that I never fail to be able to come up with one of these. The purpose, of course, is just to help you recognize that every week, every day, every, you know, minute, sometimes we have a fail and we have a win, and we've got to just acknowledge our wins, pat ourselves on the back, clap, and we have to give ourselves some grace in our failures because failures will happen. It's a part of life, and we just got to learn from them. So my win is that I hired a new personal assistant and I'm excited about the help that she's going to be in my practice, in my business as a whole. And so, hi, Carla. Thank you. Thank you. So excited to have her on board. My fail is that I literally gained 12 pounds during the Thanksgiving holiday. That's like some serious eating that I clearly did and maybe not enough working out. Just going to keep it real. That's my fail. I gained 12 pounds. So my goal is to get it off before Christmas so that I can gain it back and then get it off again in the new year. I don't know how productive and healthy that is, but reality is I definitely want to enjoy myself over the holidays. And if I can get myself back, then hey, For me, it's worth it clearly because I'm doing it. And it kind of goes in line a little bit with the health tip that I talked to you guys about maintenance last week, that once you get your body to a place where you can maintain it, your workouts don't have to be as difficult, as hard, or as often as they were when you were trying to get to that point. Which actually goes in line with what we're talking about today is knowing yourself and not just knowing Your mental, psychological, emotional self, but also knowing your physical self, knowing what works for your body because your body is absolutely unique and what works for one person will not necessarily work for someone else. That is why the health and wellness industry is multi— who knows what— billion, trillion, whatever, whatever it is. Industry because there is no one-size-fits-all, and it is really about finding what works best for you. So our topic today is, do you even know who you are? Let me introduce you. I put up a quote about the importance of continually developing yourself. If you don't, you will stagnate as an individual. You will stagnate intellectually and even in your relationships because we should always consistently be striving to be better. We should be striving for growth, not just as an individual, but also in our relationships. And I had a follower message me and ask me, how do you work on yourself? I think that's the best question ever. And I'm so glad that she asked me. Now, of course, therapy or life coaching, they are certainly, I think, in some ways an easy way to fast-track the process, but there are definitely other ways for sure. So do-it-yourself development starts with understanding why you behave, think, and react in the way that you do. Most people go around their entire lives not really knowing who they are. Most people don't study themselves. They may study other people, but they don't study themselves, and most people just have no clue. The reality is that sometimes in our life, we do have to turn a blind eye to ourselves to even get through whatever might be tough in our life. And so in some ways, not understanding ourselves is a defense mechanism that keeps us able to get through. But defense mechanisms are to be used in times when we need shortcuts to survive. They can be healthy, but when we utilize them over the course of our life, they are dysfunctional and unhealthy. And definitely there are times when you need to get through, but making a life out of that isn't going to create growth in your life at all. So if you want to get to know yourself better, listen up. Part of getting to know yourself involves getting familiar with your values. What's important to you? What's not important to you? What feels morally wrong to you? What do you look for in other people? What traits do you admire in yourself and other people? What's your favorite thing about yourself? I literally want you guys to write these down. So hopefully you're taking a minute to pause and write these down. And what's your least favorite thing about yourself? Identifying your values. It can seem like that's a super easy thing, but it's a lot more complicated because a lot of us have something called idyllic values. Those are values that sound good on paper, but They actually don't translate into our lives at all. I've probably talked about this before when I've said, you know, the mom who says, I value family time over everything else, yet every night she's stopping at McDonald's to drive-through to have, you know, dinner in the car because their life is so crazy busy. A lot of people will say that they value something like creativity more than anything, and they're bound and determined to have a creative career, but they're actually happier— When they're in a consistent 9-to-5 job with a regular paycheck that they can depend on and enough time to maybe express their creativity on the weekends. So you really do have to question what you even say about your values, because you have to question, are they really aligning up? A lot of clients will claim to value stability. Like that's their biggest core value that they want a steady career, relationship, paycheck, and lifestyle, but then they can't understand why they're that feeling so empty when they have all of those things. And that's really a sign that creativity is probably higher on their value priority list than stability. And so if you chase a creative pursuit when you say you want stability, it's not going to work out in your life. So knowing yourself means actually respecting your values in life, your beliefs, your personality, your priorities, your moods, your habits. Your body and your relationships. Knowing yourself means understanding your strengths and your weaknesses, knowing what your passions and your fears are, your desires and your dreams. It means that you are aware of your eccentricities and idiosyncrasies, the things that you like, the things that you don't like, and what you can tolerate. And this is so important. You know your limitations. And you know your boundaries because so many women don't know these or they don't pay attention to them. But when you know yourself, you know what they are. You're like, oop, that doesn't feel comfortable. They passed over that. I'm going to speak up. Knowing yourself also means knowing your purpose in life, or at least coming super close to finding and understanding what your purpose in life is. And you're not born knowing any of this stuff. You're not born knowing anything about yourself. And so it is something that you have to pursue, just like you pursue relationships with other people, you've got to pursue relationships with yourself. And here's the thing, you do not get to know yourself simply by growing up or growing old. There's an assumption that maturity should be there, but I know 80-year-olds who have no clue about what in the world they do or why. They don't understand their motivations. They don't understand anything about themselves. I feel that that's a travesty. So to assume that, well, as I get older, I'll understand myself— nope, not true. seek to understand yourself, as you study yourself, you will understand yourself. You have to do it with intention and purpose. And the reality is that not knowing yourself becomes pretty obvious sooner or later. A quiet frustration lives in your heart when you don't know who you are. You might decide to live with it. You might not even know what it is. It's like this hum that's, you know, in the background. But when you first start to recognize that it's important to start seeking yourself and you start uncovering those layers, you also start to hear that hum a little louder and a little louder. A great start for me when I really started to value self-examination and understanding was the exercise of questioning what I believed. I heard somewhere, I don't remember where I read or heard that 50% of what we believe to be true is not true at all. I think for some people, this kind of creates a defensiveness, but when you really start to embrace this concept that 50% of what you think to be true is not true at all, and that tells you how much you know yourself. Socrates said that an unexamined life is not worth living. And when you examine all of your whys, you can change them into something that fits you better, or you can confirm and deepen your knowledge of yourself. And your relationships. And when you start to go, okay, if half of what I think to be true isn't really true, then how do I question that? Is what I believe really true? Is this really the reason why I think I'm doing this? So when you ask yourself, why did you get angry? If you have a trite answer, you might want to ask yourself again, is that really true? Could there be another reason? Could there be another explanation? That helps you to confirm what you really think you know and what, you know, may not be true at all. When you understand yourself, your future path illuminates. And that's what it's really all about, is reaching your highest potential. That can only happen from understanding yourself and illuminating that path so that future decisions become so crystal clear when you know who you are. Yes, I know me. I'm going in this direction. So when somebody gives me an opportunity that's in the opposite direction, it's so easy for me to say no, because I get where I am and what I'm doing. If you're struggling at all in this area, then reach out. I love helping women discover themselves. Next up is Real Talk. This is Real Talk where I answer questions from my listeners and I share my own musings and encouragement. Reach out if you have some questions you'd like me to address on the show. All questions are anonymous. I take your confidentiality Seriously, as if you were my very own client. You can email questions to zoe@drzoeshaw.com or connect with me on any of my social medias. This question was curated from my column at thegritandgraceproject.org, and you can always submit your questions directly to me by emailing me at zoe@drzoeshaw.com. So the author of this is Turmoil in Texas. Hey! The question is, my husband and I were married for 12 years. He cheated and we've been separated for the last 4 years and are getting a divorce now. I was very angry at him the first 2 years after we separated. Then when my anger subsided and I forgave him, I wasn't sure where to go from there. Our lives are intertwined, raising our kids, and his family is my family. The last 2 years I've gone back and forth emotionally. I finally accepted that I still love him. I don't think spending our lives together will work out, but I can't completely get over him. How can I move forward? So Turmoil in Texas, divorce actually happens in 2 different realms. There's the emotional divorce and the legal divorce, and they have absolutely nothing to do with each other. In order to be truly divorced, both of these divorces have to happen, and they don't happen on the same timeline. The frustrating thing is that sometimes the emotional divorce can happen years before a legal divorce and sometimes years after and sometimes never. Yes, I said never. There are people who get legally divorced who never grow enough to get emotionally divorced. And you don't want to be in the or never category, but don't worry, that's not likely to happen. From what you're telling me, it sounds like you're moving through the grieving stages of relationship. Anger is part of it. And when the anger subsides, as it has for you, sometimes you're left with a feeling of confusion because you're able to see him and the relationship through a different lens now. Yes, you'll always be intertwined because of your kiddos and family connections. But that's just the reality of divorce in modern families. And I often tell people when they're contemplating divorce, just know that you are still going to be in real relationship with this person. It is not going to end if you have children. So if you're thinking of getting back together with him because you're not angry anymore, please remember that love is no good reason to be in a relationship with anybody. We humans have proven over and over and over that we are very capable of loving people who are not good for us. So you've got to have a much more compelling reason Why you think he might be a really good choice for you. Yes, you have children together, but they will grow up and they're going to leave, and they're already acclimated to the separation. I think you said it's been 4 years. So now is an excellent time to get out a piece of paper, write down all the reasons why you think he would make a good partner for you and all the reasons why he wouldn't. Take a good hard look at the list and evaluate it as if He were a man that you were meeting for the very first time. Because the reality is, if you get back together with him, this needs to be a totally new marriage, not the one you had before. So what would be your conclusion? You asked me how to move on, which gives me an indication that, I mean, you're already kind of moving in that direction. You move on by accepting that you love the father of your children and you may love him forever. And that's okay, but you can't allow this feeling of love to confuse you. Once you decided that you shouldn't pursue a relationship with him, you need to actively practice not entertaining the idea, the daydreams of the relationship with him in your mind. It's totally easy to romanticize what could be. It's easy to stick with the evil you already know, and it's scary to walk into the unknown. But you can do it and stop telling yourself that you can't completely get over him. When you keep saying that to yourself, your brain is going to believe it and go, oh, I can't get over him. You can. Yes, you can. But you don't have to be void of feelings of love for him or care or whatever it is you're feeling for him in order to move on from the relationship into a healthier life. So you've got to focus on yourself now. What have you let go that you need to pick back up? What are your goals and your passions as an individual? Focus on creating and maintaining a new normal without entertaining the fantasy of getting back together, and you will be well on your way to healing from this relationship. Best of luck. Reach out if you have any questions or need some help with that. Thank you for tuning into the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss a show. And if you're interested in coaching or therapy, or you just want to get a little more help, go to my website at drzoeshaw.com or any of my social medias at the handle Dr. Zoe Shaw. Join my free newsletter by texting the word join to 38470, and I look forward to speaking with you amazing ladies on social media throughout the week. Take care.
You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman, with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of the Dr. Zoe Show. Thank you.
