73: Is Your Busyness like a Drug? | Dr. Zoe Shaw

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Welcome, welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a life and relationship coach and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. My passion is helping women find their superpower, their strength that they didn't even know they had. Learn to embrace it and share it with the world. You can connect with me by texting the word join to 38470 or go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. Today's topic is all about our crazy busyness and why your busyness can be like a drug. First up though is my win and my fail. So my fail, I feel so bad about this and this is my constant struggle between, it's really about life balance. Because I do respond a lot to my clients via texting, and I get business from Instagram and emails from website and various places on the internet. So I do have a lot of barrage of current clients, potential clients, people who just want a little bit of help, and there's a constant balance of responding. And I missed This woman who was pretty darn desperate, you know, relationship issue that was pretty serious and really bothering her. And I just didn't get around to responding to her in time. And I say in time because for some reason the message went away. I don't know exactly why, but it did. This was on Instagram. And I felt really bad about it because there was a moment when I was getting ready to answer her and I made a different choice and then— Probably the next day when I came back to answer it, it was gone. And so it hurts me to know that, you know, someone reached out to me and probably feels that I didn't care or, you know, that I chose not to respond. And if you are that woman, that's not the case. I just didn't respond soon enough and I don't even know who you are or how to get a hold. But anyway, so it's the reality of, you know, my business and my life is that there is always that kind of balance and I have to— Prioritize and decide, and sometimes people fall through the cracks. So that's my fail. My win is— this is an interesting one, and I have to know, do you guys know about this? It's called Prime Wardrobe. If I'm like way on, you know, the end of this, whatever, but I don't know if you guys do Stitch or Le Tote or any of those kind of— what are they? They're kind of like— Prime Wardrobe. clothes rental or design, you know, designers who send you stuff or shop personal shoppers who send you stuff. I don't know what you call them, subscription personal shoppers. But anyway, so I've done Le Tote before, kind of enjoyed it, stopped though for different reasons. And then I happened upon Prime Wardrobe and I was like, no way. So I'm not sure if this is a win because I might like really go overboard with this, but you can try-on clothing and clothing items, fashion items, shoes, clothes, accessories, whatever. You get them from Amazon. So it's just like you buy stuff from Amazon, but they send the clothing to you with return labels and everything so that you can try it for 7 days. They don't even charge you. And then after 7 days, if you choose not to return it, then they charge you, or you can just return it. You don't like it, No fee whatsoever. Zero, zilch. I was like, wow, so cool, loving it. That's my new win. I think it might become my new addiction, so could be my fail in the future. Just letting you know. So today, busyness. I just talked about my struggle with my life balance, which is real. The struggle is real, y'all. But today I'm going to talk about why your busyness is like a drug. And this can be a hard one because, you know, I know firsthand how useful busyness can be in my life and in other people's lives, especially when we're trying to be super productive. And sometimes we wear it as a badge of honor. But truly, women, it can be a shield of protection. And just like any drug, it starts out small, you know, oh, I'll take on this one more thing, or oh, I can do that. And it's unintentional. I don't think anybody sets out to just be overly busy and overwhelmed, and no one sets out to become an addict, right? But slowly, a growing realization happens, and it's mostly subconscious, that busyness has a great function. And the function is that it numbs your pain and it distracts you from things in your life that you don't want to deal with. So in that way, it's really no different from alcohol or other drugs that we self-medicate with to get rid of our pain. And when I first recognized this in myself, I could see this same addiction pattern in my family and how it was passed down to me from my father, who was a workaholic. I'm not sure that he ever really resolved that for himself before he died. And I know that he died way too early, partially because of how much he pushed himself. And I've always felt that I had no addictions, that I don't have an addictive personality, but I was actually wrong. Busyness is one of those few addictions that is socially sanctioned. There are others, and that is even encouraged. So there's always like, oh, you're, you know, you're so busy, as if that's, you know, an honor. And I know at some point so many people would say that to me and I was a little embarrassed by it. But the truth was, I have been and still am busy. And there's no 12-step for this addiction, right? Because we're all too busy to realize we have a problem and we're definitely too busy to find the time to go to a 12-step meeting. But if you recognize yourself in this description, it may make you feel bad that I just pointed out a problem that maybe you didn't even know that you had, so you're welcome. But you need to stop that feeling bad too because you don't have time for that either. If you are overly busy, I want you to think about implementing these things in your life. Ask yourself the difficult questions. And I'm telling you this because I've done this myself. Am I happy? Is this how I want to live the rest of my life? And what am I distracting myself from? So those are some pretty hefty questions. And often when we are so busy and we fill ourselves up so that we wake up in the morning and we go, go, go, go, go, and at night we are so exhausted that we put our heads to the pillow and we don't have time to evaluate our lives. We miss out on all of that and we don't have to look at what's really going on in front of us. We don't have to look at a bad marriage. We don't have to look at failing in our career or other areas of our lives or our health or ways that we're not taking care of ourselves. But when you sit and you look at your life and you try to kind of take a bird's-eye view and look down on what you're doing and ask yourself in the quiet, am I happy? And is this how I want to live the rest of my life? How is this lifestyle serving me? I'm taking a deep breath even as I say that because it's really taking that deep breath and looking at what's going on in your, in your life because you can go years Without really paying attention. And it's only in the quiet and in the space that we have time to reflect. And sometimes that reflection can be a little bit scary. So you've got to schedule in that quiet time. You must have space for your thoughts. With no quiet space and no space, we can ignore everything that's falling apart in our lives, right? We can feel like, yeah, everything's great, hunky-dory. Really, busyness is the ultimate distraction, but you will be surprised what comes up when you give your brain space. And some of it may be good. It may be creative ideas, and some of it will remind you of why you chose to stay so busy to begin with. And I know that that's scary, and that's why you're so busy. But that's the stuff that you need to be willing to face head-on because the busyness And the distraction will crumble over time, meaning that it will not continue to serve its function in your life because it can't. When we look at defense mechanisms, defense mechanisms are super healthy. Denial is a great thing. Denial can get you through some super tough times, but denial consistently in your life as a way of functioning As a lifestyle will not work. It will crumble the defense because it's only meant to be a temporary band-aid. And so when you need it to get through a difficult time, it's excellent. But you've got to be able to stop, take that defense down, and look at what's really going on. And yeah, I know it's scary, but it's also healthy. And in the end, when you've evaluated it and you figured out what you might be distracting yourself from, then all of a sudden your busyness can have a purpose. And these are things that I actually had to work on in my life. And so when your busyness has a purpose, when you've taken the time to deal with the things that are distracting you, you've taken care of your pain, then guess what? Your production will skyrocket because you're not just being busy to shield yourself from the pain. You're being busy to be productive. And if you can ask yourself constantly, is this activity serving my purpose? Is this activity just keeping me from looking at what I don't want to look at? Then all of a sudden you'll recognize that you're being more productive. So you'll probably always be a doer in your life, as I am, and I will always be busy and life will always be full. And I love that about my life. I was talking to somebody else whose name was Zoe and I was like, don't we have the best names? Zoe means life, actually the God type of life, and I do feel like I have an abundance of it. And so there's nothing wrong with that. I have to be careful not to use my busyness as an escape, and this will also be a lifelong journey for me because it is way too easy. And I am cautioning you not to use your busyness As an escape. And sometimes the busyness isn't just about what we're doing, but what we're distracting ourselves from. So, you know, binging Netflix, it's not busy, but it's definitely a distraction. It definitely keeps your mind busy. And so what I'm asking you to do is to carve out time in your life every day And I prescribe this to all of my clients. Have quiet time, because without it, you don't really know who you are. If you're struggling with any of this stuff, reach out. This is Real Talk, where I answer questions from my listeners and I share my own musings and encouragement. Please reach out if you have some questions you'd like me to address on the show. I've been getting some great emails from listeners. All questions are anonymous. I take your confidentiality seriously, as if you You can email questions to zoe@drzoeshaw.com or connect with me on any of my social medias. This question that I'm getting ready to answer was curated from my column at thegritandgraceproject.org. You can always submit your questions to there or directly to me. So the question is, I'm a single mom who works nearly full-time. I love my son and I love my work, but sometimes it feels impossible to do it all. I find it hard to admit this to friends who don't work because they often answer it by saying, I should stop working. Well, that's not an option. And honestly, I wouldn't want to, say if I were to remarry one day. So what are the real ways to balance it and succeed in both career and motherhood? What a great question. You know, I'm a working mom, as you guys know, and I have one foot in the community of working moms and I have one foot in the community of homeschooling moms. And most homeschooling moms are stay-at-home moms. And so sometimes I feel very much not fully a part of either community. So I really understand and I also understand the judgment that comes from moms who don't work. I mean, there's judgment on both sides, but it's tough. And I have that same feeling that you have. I wouldn't want to not work because I love my work. And I really feel that in addition to my calling to motherhood, to my calling to be a homeschooling mom right now in this season in my life, it will not be forever, but for right now, I know that I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. I also feel that the work I do is a calling that I'm supposed to do. So I get you, but guess what? You're right. It's impossible to do it all perfectly and beautifully. So let's just get that part out in the open right now. Sometimes it's gonna be messy and chaotic, and that's okay. I've had to come to terms with that. And when you come to terms with what I call the beautiful chaos of a working mom's life, you can really kind of settle into feeling this is okay instead of feeling like it should be all ordered and perfect. And I don't think you really need any life hack tips, although there's some great I think what you really need to do is change your focus, change how you talk to yourself, and learn to kick other women's judgment to the curb because that's where it belongs. Nobody has your life. Nobody knows exactly what you are supposed to be doing in your life, all of your circumstances. So you've got to kick that judgment. In your mom role, your biggest goal is to raise an amazing kid with all those wonderful qualities that you value, right? And there are pretty great men out there who have moms who have worked full-time, So I know it's not just a possibility, but it's a reality. There are also some pretty awesome men out there who've had moms who stayed home. So if both types of moms can produce amazing men, then we've got to stop the judging. I love stay-at-home moms and I love working moms. I've been both, like I said. Well, I don't know if I said that, but I have been both at different seasons in my life. And sometimes stay-at-home moms and working moms don't always love each other and we can get judgy and it just hurts everybody. And when we turn what we perceive to be external judgment onto ourselves, then we're just hurting ourselves too. So having been both, I know that there's a fantasy that each one of us has about the other. So working moms tend to fantasize that they could be better moms, that their lives would be easier, that they could get everything done if they just stayed at home. And then stay-at-home moms tend to fantasize about having a space that's all their own, about being able to get away from their family life. And that daily life for a working mom could be so liberating. And they're both just fantasies. I've been both, so I know. The reality is that each situation comes with its own pitfalls. We all have different talents. We all have different abilities, tolerance levels, and purposes. And it's okay if your only purpose is to be a stay-at-home mom. Every woman is snuffing out her candle as she tries to should herself into any box. And the world needs our candles to shine. So one of your life purposes, of course, is to be a mom, and that's why you have a son. And it's an honorable purpose, and it's enough in its own right, but so are all of your other purposes. Until you really believe the value in your own life purpose, you'll continue to judge yourself and not show up as your best self. So I talked about the chaos. You got to embrace the juggling game, recognize that there are some balls that are going to have to be dropped sometimes. And the trick to this game is to learn Which ones need to be dropped when? So you master this trick by mastering your priorities. Like I said, this seasonhood of motherhood is gonna be messy, but when your priorities are crystal clear, the whole thing gets easier. For example, I have a super busy schedule, but I block out 6:00 PM every day on my calendar for family dinner because this is a ball that I'm not willing to drop. There are other places where I am a little more flexible and I'm willing to drop those balls for another task, event, et cetera. Also my strict, you know, not working on weekends, 'Cause my kids have stuff. I work a lot during the weekdays, so I wanna be there. And everybody's priorities are different because that might not be the way your life works, and that's okay. I'm talking about the way my life works. So I suggest that you make a list of your top 5 priorities in your parenting and your family life. Post them on your mirror. Post them on a wall or somewhere where you can look at them daily. And whenever you have a decision to make, always compare it against your priorities. And then make your decision. If you stay as true to these priorities as you can, then you'll be as happy as you can be with most of your mom decisions. It'll never be perfect because life isn't, but you can be content in knowing that you're getting it right most of the time. The other thing is be willing to regularly cull your schedule, which means continually look and figure out what can I delegate, what can I let go, What do I not need to do? To make sure everything is always pointing right back towards your priorities as you make your decisions. And remember, a good enough mother is good enough to raise an amazing child. You've got this. Thank you for tuning in to the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss a show. And if you're interested in coaching or therapy or you just want to get a little more help, go to my website at drzoeshaw.com or any of my social medias at the handle @DrZoeShaw. Thank you. Join my free newsletter by texting the word join to 38470 and I look forward to speaking with you wonderful ladies on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.

You've been listening to The Dr. Zoe Show, redefining your superwoman with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and resources. Tips and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of the Dr. Zoe Show.