In this episode of The Dr. Zoe Show, licensed psychotherapist and life coach Dr. Zoe Shaw opens with personal anecdotes about a recent daylight‑saving‑time struggle (a "fail") and her progress on 2019 goals (a "win"). She then tackles the central theme, "Why Her? How to Be Happy in Your Own Lane," explaining how comparison distracts and harms personal growth. Using a track‑meet metaphor, she illustrates how constantly looking back at others can break one’s stride. Dr. Zoe outlines a series of concrete strategies to curb comparison: cultivating awareness, employing a thought‑stopping technique from cognitive‑behavioral therapy, replacing comparison thoughts with positive reflections, practicing gratitude, recognizing that each person’s lane is unique, accepting imperfection and the concept of "good enough," and curating one’s social environment by unfollowing or muting influences that don’t nurture the soul. The episode transitions to a "Real Talk" segment where Dr. Zoe answers a listener’s question about low sexual desire in a long‑term marriage. She recommends a medical work‑up (gynecological exam, hormone testing), explores possible psychological roots (negative childhood messages), suggests individual therapy, and emphasizes open communication with the partner. She advises reframing expectations around sex, focusing on intimacy cues that are enjoyable, and considering sessions with a sex therapist to develop techniques for greater satisfaction. Throughout, Dr. Zoe maintains a conversational, supportive tone, blending personal storytelling with professional advice, and repeatedly encourages listeners to subscribe, join her newsletter, and seek coaching or therapy via her website.
Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.
Welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed psychotherapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a life and relationship coach and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. My passion is helping women find their superpower, learn to embrace it, and share it with the world. You can connect with me by texting the word join to 38470 Or go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. Today's topic is Why Her? How to Be Happy in Your Own Lane. But before we get to that, and I'm pretty excited about this topic because I think it's one that we can all really relate to, but first, Superwoman win and Superwoman fail. So my fail, this daylight savings time is Super real. I don't think I've ever had such a hard time with daylight savings, but it's kicking my butt. I have basically not worked out all week and it's weird because I never had this before, but I usually wake up at 5:45. And so of course I go to bed, I'm trying to at my normal time, but when 5:45 comes along, my body's like, no, it's 4:45. We're not getting up. And I'm like, no, it's 5:45. And yeah, it just doesn't work. So there's my fail. I'm still trying to adjust to this thing. It's only 1 hour and I don't know. I don't understand what's going on, but that's real. And so my win. So in this moment, and I recognize that it could only be this moment because, you know, I might feel differently in the next moment, but in this moment, I feel like I am killing my 2019 goals. I put some things out there, wrote them down, not a to-do list, but my 2019 goals. A couple things I just really wanted to make sure I accomplished by the end of the year. One of them was finishing my book and the other one was— creating a program. My book is complete, at least the first draft of it is. I recognize there are many to go. And I started my program. So I'm like, hey, it's March. I'm already killing my goals. So that's a win. You know, we win some, we lose some. And right now I feel like I'm winning. So yeah. On to the topic, Why Her? How to Be Happy in Your Lane. Comparison actually distracts us from our path, the one that we're supposed to be walking on. I was watching a track meet, my son's track meet last week, and there was this kid running the 400 meters. It's a long race for a sprinter. So if any of you guys know, it's kind of a painful race, even though it's only one lap around the track, you're still sprinting. And so it can be a little difficult. But anyway, so he's doing the 400 and he must have been a freshman because this was kind of a newbie move that he did, but he was winning by a pretty large margin. And I think he was shocked because every few strides— he was in the last 100— every few strides, he would turn back and look to see, kind of almost in a panic, like, who was behind him. And I was screaming to this kid— I don't even know who he was— but I'm screaming, stop looking back! Because what he didn't realize, he was so worried about what everyone else was doing in the race that every time he looked He broke his stride. Now luckily, he was so far ahead that he did still win. But I've seen the opposite happen before many times, even a couple of times in the Olympics. Like I said, it's a newbie move, but sometimes our emotion just takes over and we do things that we know are stupid. But when you need to compare, when you need to turn and look back or look around beside you to see what everybody else is doing, It literally gets the best of you. Instead of staying in your lane, you look around at what everybody else is doing and you break your stride. As a result, you could slow down, misstep, you could get distracted, and you give others the little space that they need to overcome you. When we compare, we waste our time and our energy that should be spent on our interests, and all of that just gets diverted to things that aren't important. Because we can look at somebody and go, oh, I should be doing that. But that's probably not what you should be doing. You should be staying in your lane and doing you. And comparison also usually results in resentment. And the resentment is based on lies, because I'm sure you guys have heard the statement that we often compare our insides to other people's outsides. So of course, we look at what we can see from the outside, and it looks amazing. And we compare them to what we know about ourselves. And we feel like we come up short, but it's hard. Our human nature makes us want to look and compare. So how do you get out of that? Because it's hurting you. You usually don't end up looking good when you compare, and even if you do, it's a false sense of self-worth because it's based on putting somebody else down. So here are some tips on what you can do to stop the comparison in your life. You need to understand that comparison compromises your soul, your very soul. It compromises, it compromises your creativity. It just stunts you. So here's what you can do. Number 1, awareness. Most often we are comparing ourselves without even realizing that we're doing it. We could be doing it all day, every day, and not really notice it. So you must become aware that you're comparing yourself to begin with. Of course, to change anything, you have to have awareness of it. And even this podcast will help with that because just putting it on the forefront of your mind makes you more aware and you'll notice it easier when it comes up. Next, stop yourself. Literally stop. I'm putting like a T sign up, like stop. We call this thought-stopping technique in cognitive behavioral therapy because it's as simple as when you become aware that you're comparing, actively make yourself stop the comparing I say, Zoe, stop it. Then the important next step is to actively replace the thought with a healthier, different thought. It helps if you have one preplanned already, like, what's the best thing that happened to me this week? Or where am I going? Or what's going on in my life that I'm feeling pretty good about in my, you know, life, business, relationship, fitness, whatever it is that you're comparing yourself to. And number 3, count your blessings. I know it seems trite. I know it feels like it's minimizing whatever's going on with you in your life, but focusing on what you have to be grateful for is a much better use of your energy than focusing on what's going wrong with your life or how you're coming up short when you look at what she is doing. And I know it's hard if you feel like, well, I, I've done 3 times the work and she's only, you know, just starting out and look at how much success she's had. I know it's hard. You don't really know all the inside workings of what she's doing. And sometimes we assume other people aren't working hard for their success when they really are. And sometimes that's just life. But she She can be successful and her success does not in any way negate yours. So just because she's successful doesn't mean you won't be, even if it's in the exact same field. So you have to focus on your strengths. Your lane is not supposed to look like anyone else's. We're all in our own processes and those processes are individual and they're unique. What does your lane look like? My lane is blue, and it's also a little red because I like to be bold and a little bit brave, and red for me represents that. Blue is calming. Blue is my favorite color. So if you guys look on my Instagram, you'll see a lot of blue and a lot of red. And my lane is not all put together and tied up in a little bow. Nope, it's not. And I have to come to terms with that. My lane is actually a little messy. My lane will never look like Martha Stewart's. And although I can admire her strengths, if I compare myself to her, I'll always feel horrible about myself. But the reality is Martha Stewart couldn't run in my lane either, because my lane is fast and it's pretty efficient. So you need to imagine your lane. What does it look like? The cool thing is that all the lanes lead to the same finish line. And this is a race where it doesn't really matter how long it takes you to get there. So you've got to be okay with imperfection. Sometimes it's hard to be okay with your imperfections. You might be okay with other people's imperfections, but when it comes to your own, sometimes we have a problem with it. But I like that saying, messy hair, don't care. Even saying that makes me feel liberated. It makes me feel alive and happy. Let's have fun with our imperfections. Let's honor them. If they're a bad habit that you really hate, okay, well then stop the judgment and understand that you do it for a reason that made sense and probably doesn't make sense anymore. So now you can just work on changing it instead of wasting your time comparing and berating yourself. And that leads into the next one, which is don't knock other people down. Putting other people down is the cheapest way of making yourself feel better. Don't do life the cheap way. Be a woman of value. And number 7, focus on the journey. It's a journey, y'all. It's not like, you know, a 100-meter race. It is a journey. Journeys take time. Journeys are massive. Journeys are big affairs. And that's what your life is. It's a journey. So you be nice to your future self. I heard that somewhere and I love that. You be nice to your future self by stopping and smelling the roses, by honoring your beginning. And what does that mean exactly? I know some of that might sound all hokey, but really it just means looking at how far you've come. Now, yeah, maybe you have a lot further to go, but I want you to acknowledge for yourself, but look how far I've come. And you need to learn to Love good enough. If you don't, you probably won't be happy. There may be places for perfectionism, like I certainly want my brain surgeon to be a perfectionist, but in most circumstances, perfectionism leads to unhappiness and general dissatisfaction. So if that's not where you want to go, if that's not the road you want to go down, then you've got to start understanding and walking in the reality that good enough is good enough. Good enough parenting can yield phenomenal children. Good enough students can still sometimes get into college. The reality is that you've got to get to a place where good enough is really good enough, because it's better to accomplish something to move yourself forward than to do nothing because you're paralyzed of tackling the big thing. Last, unfollow anyone who doesn't make your soul feel well, whether it's in person or online. If she's your best friend, then you might just have to mute her. I wish we could do that in real person, but if she's your best friend and you've got her on your social and really she doesn't make your soul feel well, you need to mute her and you need to really put that girl in one of the outer circles that I've talked about before. And also, obviously, you need to start the process of questioning this relationship. If your friend, if you're good friends, if you're BFF, Does not make your soul feel well. So let's stay in our lanes, ladies. Your lane is beautiful, and so is mine. Next up, Real Talk, where I answer questions from my listeners and I share some of my own musings. This question was curated from the Ask Dr. Zoe column at thegritandgraceproject.org. You can feel free to ask me any questions by emailing me at zoe@drzoeshaw.com. And please know that all of your questions are anonymous. I take your confidentiality seriously as if you were my own client. So this question is, Dear Dr. Zoe, for most of my adult life, I've struggled with not being interested in sex. I'm not a victim of sexual assault or abuse. I've just never had much interest. This is a struggle I've kept to myself due to hearing comments from people like, I'd kill myself if I didn't have sex. I've been with my husband for 7 years, married for almost 2, and he is so patient and kind with me. I wish it could be enjoyable, but I don't know what to do. Help. First of all, you are not alone. Despite our sex-crazed culture, there are other people who struggle with the same issue as well. And actually, it wouldn't even be an issue in your life except that you're married to a man who desires sex as he should and as he deserves. Since you've never been interested in sex, it may be a good idea to have a physical examination by a gynecologist and make sure you let them know about your concerns. It would also be worth having a blood test to see if your hormone levels are within normal range, because that can definitely affect your libido. Even though you've never experienced any abuse or trauma, you might have received some negative messages about sex as a child. And this could possibly be a contributing factor to all of this. You may want to consider seeking individual therapy to explore those issues if there are any. If you've already explored all of that and none of that seems to work, then it's highly likely that this is basically just how you were made. And there's nothing wrong with that. The conundrum, of course, is that your husband desires to have sex. And it seems to me that there's a part of you that would like to desire it as well, or at least enjoy it. But the reality is, is that there's things in my life that I don't love to do, but I've learned to make them as enjoyable for myself as possible. And this does take effort. You'll probably never be swinging from the chandeliers waiting for your husband to come home and devour you. But if you lower your expectations of what sex should be for you, you could probably get to a point where you enjoy the closeness with your husband. And this means taking some time to explore what could make sex more enjoyable for you and also understanding what makes it less enjoyable. Do you like hugs and kisses? Do you like to snuggle? What makes you react like, ew, yuck? And what makes you think, huh, this was kind of nice? If you and your husband could work together to maximize the good parts and minimize the negative ones, then you'll find that you actually do enjoy sex a lot more. So it's wonderful that your husband has been so patient and loving with you in this area, and you can return the favor by letting him know that you're motivated to make things happen in the bedroom. The best gift ever could be scheduling some sessions with a sex therapist who could offer some great techniques for helping you learn to experience more enjoyment in your sex life. A lot of people might kind of shy away from that, but sex therapists, just like any other therapist, will first listen to you, get an understanding of what's going on with you. And they won't push you to do anything or go any further than you really feel comfortable. I'm glad that you're reaching out and that you're looking for some help in this area. You don't have to suffer alone. Continue to seek out help until you find something that works. Sex can be enjoyable even if you have a low libido. So you've got this. Thank you for tuning in to the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss a show. If you're interested in coaching or therapy or You just want to get a little more help, go to my website at drzoeshaw.com or any of my social medias at the handle @DrZoe. Join my free newsletter by texting the word join to 38470. I look forward to speaking with you wonderful ladies on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.
You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman, with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of the Dr. Zoe Show.
