76: How Are You Holding Yourself Back? | Dr. Zoe Shaw

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed psychotherapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a life and relationship coach and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. My passion is helping women find their superpower, learn to embrace it, and share it with the world. You can connect with me by texting the word join to 38470, or go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. So today's topic is how you hold yourself back. Let's stop that. But first, of course, my Superwoman win and my Superwoman fail. So my win and my fail go together today, which is often the case. Sometimes our wins are kind of the flip sides of our fails. So I answered a query to Oprah.com and the editor loved it. And she's interviewing me tomorrow to move forward with the article, which is like, yay, how exciting. But full disclosure, my fail is what almost prevented me from taking the leap and submitting the piece to begin with. I wasn't confident and my own self-talk, which is what we're going to talk about today, said that she'll probably pick someone else, that maybe she was looking for a therapist that was more published in the media, which I am, because the query had actually said that they want a therapist who is in the media, who has already published. Things and is, you know, out in the media, which I am. But my self-talk was telling me that, you know, I wasn't at big enough places and basically I'm not good enough, or maybe I'm not good enough. And then I got into a conversation with myself. Am I just wasting my time? I'm spending all this time, send, you know, writing this up and sending it to her. And if they don't like it, it's just a waste of my time. There's a million other things I need to be doing, but I pushed through all of the negative self-talk, recognizing it as such, which is what we're gonna talk about today. And I used some of the techniques that I'm going to talk about. And I said, Zoe, just write it and submit it. Don't attach any expectation to it. Just write your best, submit it, and forget about it. And I did. And the crazy thing is that the Oprah Magazine writer got back to me less than 24 hours later and on a Saturday, and she said she loved it. Now imagine if I had let my self-talk get the best of me. Imagine if I let it delay me or keep me from putting in my best effort. By the way, I did write another query to another big magazine and I got nothing back yet. I could still. That was just on Friday. So, you know, basically you lose some and you win some, but if you don't play, you're guaranteed not to win. So today we are going to be talking about the ways that you hold yourself back and we have to stop that. So think about the times that someone has said something offensive to you that's actually made you not even want to work with them or help them, or maybe It's even been the opposite where you kind of go out of your way to not help them. But what if that's what you're doing to yourself? Ladies, men out there, our words are so very powerful. I know I say it all the time and I will say it forever because it's the truth. They are the glass window into our soul. And what if the words that you speak to yourself are so offensive that it makes you not want to cooperate with your own self? I'm gonna let that sit for a minute, 'cause just think about that. And today we're going to look at that honestly here. And just like the saying, you are what you eat, you are what you speak, whether it's out loud or to yourself. And it's so easy to look at everything on the outside that's holding you back, that's keeping you from attaining your goals, whether, you know, your goals are weight loss, it's going back to school, finishing school, getting the raise, or just getting your to-do list done for the day. And I say just, but believe me, I know. that tackling that to-do list can be a monumental task, but sometimes we think about people on the outside, like, oh, you know, this teacher didn't treat me fairly, or my husband is, you know, holding me back because he works late at night, or, you know, this friend or this opportunity. It's easy to blame outside things, but the reality is that we are more powerful Than anything else, we are our own biggest influencers. So here are some ways that you speak to yourself that are actually holding yourself back. So the first is sometimes we're too vague. So you know we have a goal; we know what we want to do, but we're too vague about it. So let's say you say something like, "I'm really going to start eating better." Unless you're specific with your talk, you're just setting yourself up for failure. I had a client that was really struggling with his weight, and when I pressed him for a plan because he was constantly saying he wanted to do something. differently, he would say, well, I just need to start eating smaller portions and better— making better choices. But what the heck does that mean? I mean, what is even a measurement of smaller portions? Are you eyeballing it? Are you really measuring it? It sounds nice, but it's way too vague. And that's really not going to work. You've got to be more specific. And you might feel like you've done something by deciding, okay, this is what I'm going to do. But if you're not specific about it, it's hard for you to implement your own thing. Another self-sabotaging act can be that your logic doesn't make sense. So maybe you say, well, I'm not a morning person, so I can't work out. People are only successful because they're morning people, and that's why they can work out. Or I can't get enough sleep at night because I'm a single mom, or I don't have the money to pay for a gym membership, so I can't work out. Most people will stop there and they'll accept that they can't do whatever it is that they desire to do, and they actually feel better about it because they've made up what they feel to be a good reason, then it's not their fault. So they'll say, okay, well, I can't help it. So it makes them feel better temporarily, but there's a deep knowing that they're not really addressing the issue, that they're not really doing what they want to do. And there's this feeling of unsettlement, which can lead to a lot of, you know, things like sadness, depression, when we lie to ourselves. And I see this with a lot of my clients. I'll give suggestions and they immediately have a reason why it won't work. And sometimes their reason doesn't even make sense. And no judgment, because I catch myself doing the exact same thing. I just talked about it in my win and my fail. But the key is catching yourself. When you find yourself making those self-limiting beliefs, stop it and ask yourself, how can I get around it? How can I find a How can I find someone to watch my kids or join a gym that has childcare? Or better yet, how can I exercise in my own home and my own neighborhood for free? And maybe even with my kids, do it together. When you get into a figure-it-out mindset instead of an I-can't mindset, you'll be amazed at all the wonderful alternative routes that there are to get stuff done. And believe me, there are. You can be super creative and before you know it, you're producing It'll seem like you never have. And when you move, this is a big one, when you move without perfection, when you choose to take steps towards your goals, even when it isn't all worked out yet, you'll find that you're more successful than the person who doesn't wanna move until everything is perfect. I see that so much in my environment, and I am not a perfectionist. I do like to have good things, but I found sometimes it bites me. But mostly I get further because I'm willing to start something even when it's not perfect instead of waiting. waiting till things are perfect, because the newsflash is that it's never perfect. And that actually makes me think about that quote by Mary Ann Radmacher, if I'm saying her name right. And the quote goes, the jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be, because of all that I may become, I will close my eyes and leap. And I think about that quote often because There's always going to be that gap and you have to take that leap, leap of faith, leap, whatever you want to call it. But because nothing is ever going to be perfectly lined up, you have to be in a place where you can get rid of those excuses and just take the leap. Another self-talk thing that can be holding you back is if you use a lot of should language. I know you probably heard the whole, you know, shoulding all over yourself. You shouldn't do that. Or of course, should's cousin, which is have to, must to, or need to. All of these create stress in the brain because when you tell yourself you should, it's because usually you aren't or you haven't yet. And that creates sometimes a cognitive dissonance because you're not doing something in the moment that you're saying you should. And that makes the brain feel overwhelmed. And most of the time your should is not even true. So instead replace it with, I choose. Or I will choose. This is an empowering statement that affirms that you make your choices in your life. Empowerment increases motivation and obligation decreases it. When you use words that are absolute, like those have to, must, you need to, I can't, or should, you put yourself into a place where you take control sometimes outside of yourself and you feel stuck. But when you use statements like, I choose, all of a sudden you're recognizing, wait, if I'm choosing to, that also means I can choose not to. You're giving yourself control. Another killer when it comes to our self-talk is that you're overly critical. Criticism is the killer of motivation. You've got to be your biggest cheerleader. And I get that that's super hard. When I'm lacking in motivation, I will literally sometimes get on YouTube, especially if I'm working out or something. I'll get on YouTube and I'll type in motivational speeches or best motivational words. And within 5 minutes, I'm usually pumped because I've listened to something that's really affirming and positive that I needed to hear. Cuz sometimes, you know what, our bank gets low and yeah, we have to consistently pump ourselves up, but we also have to find things outside of ourselves that are healthy and are supporting us and pumping us up too. And speaking of pumped, you have to pump and prime your brain with positivity and encouragement for it to run its best. And you have to sometimes actively seek it out because it is not our brain's natural state of being to be empowering and motivating. So you've got to create that and do it intentionally. Another big one is if you tell yourself it's too hard. That can sometimes be really frustrating when there's something you really want to do, but maybe you don't know all the steps or you don't know how to do all the steps, or it's overwhelming. Overwhelming because it feels like, how can I do all of that? Getting my doctorate felt like that. It was supposed to take me 4 years. I knew everything that I had to do, and my dissertation scared me to death. It actually ended up taking me 6 years because I had 2 children in the process. But thinking of everything that has to be done, all the, you know, defending my dissertation and all of the exams that had to be taken and the pre-doc internships and all the hours that had to be done. Oh my gosh. Overwhelming. And so when there's something you want to do, think of the end goal, which is great. Think of that end goal, break it down into the smallest steps and write them all down. Now, this process will and can feel overwhelming, but it's okay. You're going to be overwhelmed in that moment. But when you write down all of the steps, then I want you to forget about all of the steps and how hard it's going to be to do all 100 of them or whatever it is. You just focus on the next thing. That's it. All you have to complete is the next step. And that one step is not that hard. And then you have to complete the next one. And that next one, usually not that hard. Don't look too far ahead, keep doing the next step. And before you know it, you'll be accomplishing your goal or you'll be well on the way. And then your motivation increases. And you'll find that it's so much easier when you don't look at that big picture, when things seem super overwhelming and hard. And sometimes I'll look back, especially at a lot of the things that I've been doing and I've accomplished over the past couple of years with social media and my speaking engagements and writing my book. And sometimes I think, okay, if I really knew all that had to be done, it would have been super overwhelming, but I've been overwhelmed for years as I look at what I'm doing. But when I just focus on, okay, what do I need to do to get there? Okay. What's the next step? Okay. Let me look at the next step. Okay. The next step, it makes a difference. So remember, your words are the most powerful tool you have for anything in the world that you want to do in your life. These tools are free. You don't have to pay anybody for them. They cost so much when they're used badly, and they're invaluable when they're used well. So please use them well. If you are struggling, Reach out. I would love to help you. Next up is Real Talk, where I answer questions from my listeners and I share some of my musings sometimes. This question is curated from my column at thegritandgraceproject.org. And you also can ask a question, just submit it to me. You can contact me at zoe@drzoeshaw.com. So the question is, I want to make more time for friendships this year, but I feel guilty leaving my husband and kids to do so. Is it wrong to make a regular girl time happen? And how can I explain that I need it to my family without making them feel neglected? Oh, every mother's quandary, right? So my question to you is, what do your kids do for fun? Ask them how important their playtime is, and then ask them to imagine if they couldn't have playtime anymore, ever. Explain to them that moms need playtime too, and tell them that spending time with your friends is your playtime. Kids don't get that because they think talking is totally boring, but if you explain it to them that way, It can help. And basically, that's pretty simple. But then we have to worry about the guilt. So really, we can barely mention the word motherhood without talking about guilt. After all, once we become mothers, if you're a good mother anyway, our self is supposed to disappear, right? Wrong! First, we've got to change the way you're speaking to yourself. You're not leaving your family to spend time with your friends. When your daughter goes to ballet practice, you consider her leaving the family? Uh, when your kids go to school, same thing. No, they're just going to school and practice, and your husband's just going to work when he goes. They're still very much an integral part of your family unit while they're also outside living their lives. And there's no doubt that, of course, as a mom, you have to make sacrifices. You won't have lazy days spent with your friends hanging out on the beach anymore, unless of course your kids are with you, which is fun. But if you're feeling the pull to invest in your friendships, there's a reason for that. It's unhealthy to expect that our marriage or our parental relationships can completely fulfill all of our needs as a woman. So there's this little small voice that tells you you need friendship because you do. We were meant to do life together with other women. Our society, our modern society isolates us in our homes with our technology and our appliances that do the jobs that we used to be able to do together in community. And bonds were shared with women. over those tasks, those womanhood and motherhood experiences. And we still need that. It's part of our human makeup. And so just like humans used to get our needs for physical exercise and the manual work that we were doing just to survive, we now have to create those opportunities. Like, that's why we have the gym. We've gotta take time out of our sedentary lives to do that because we don't incorporate working out in our general life like we used to have to. And so you've got to take time out of your isolated lifestyle to cultivate friendships that you were designed to have. And just like exercising is not selfish, it's self-care. Having friendships is not selfish, it's self-care. And as long as you're not regularly ditching your family and going to spend weekends in Vegas with your girlfriends, then your guilt is unfounded. But of course, me telling you not to feel guilty is just a sweep of words, you know, into the The internet. And sometimes we learn through experience, which is a really tough teacher sometimes. But I can tell you through my own and my clients' experiences that depleting yourself in the name of your family hurts everyone. There is a saying that if you give when there's no more left to give, what you're giving is not a gift. I might've said that on the podcast before, but it's such a profound thing because I think a lot of us feel like, well, we just have to keep sacrificing and keep giving. But when you have not filled yourself up, what you're giving is not a gift because it's coming from a place of depletion. You may be irritable, you may be resentful. There may be a lot of things that are seeping out in that, and you think you're giving a gift, but you really aren't. So a good guilt reliever is to plan individual time with your kids as soon as you get home. This is when they're most excited to see you anyway, right? And they'll treasure 15 minutes of focused attention. Another good practice is to schedule a date with your hubby each time you go out with your friends. If you two are already having weekly date night, which I do recommend, you're well ahead of the game. But the main issue is that you need to tackle your self-talk, which we talked about today regarding seeking time with friends, because what you're saying is not true to yourself. Every time guilt seeps in when you choose to cultivate friendships, replace it with a loving thought about how important your self-care is for you and your family. Don't evaluate whether you believe it or not, because you don't. Right now, just speak it. And over time you will start to believe it. You've got this. So next week, I'm so excited because Melissa May Mone, who will be a second-time guest on our show, she's gonna be on the podcast and she is the author of Radiant Midnight. We had her on the show. Oh gosh. In the very beginning when I was still doing the radio show, her first book, Gathering Dandelions, which was such a rich book. And her second book, Radiant Midnight, is even better. So I loved it and I'm excited. I'm excited to share it with you and her with you next week. So tune in. Thanks for tuning into the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss a show. If you're interested in coaching or therapy, or you just wanna get a little more help, go to my website at drzoeshaw.com or any of my social medias at the handle Dr. Zoe Shaw. Join my free newsletter by texting the word join to 38470, and I look forward to speaking with you wonderful ladies on social media throughout the week. Bye. Have a super week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, redefining your superwoman with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe. Subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of the Dr. Zoe Show.