In this episode of The Dr. Zoe Show, licensed psychotherapist and life coach Dr. Zoe Shaw discusses the controversial topic of women using ultimatums in relationships. She opens with two personal anecdotes—a humorous win where she lets her daughter urinate in the ocean, and a fail where she missed her daughter’s soccer sign‑up—to illustrate everyday decision‑making. Dr. Shaw then examines the negative reputation of ultimatums, citing common media claims that they are controlling or abusive. She looks up formal definitions, highlighting that an ultimatum is a final demand whose rejection leads to a concrete consequence. Using a speed‑limit metaphor, she argues that ultimatums can function as healthy, self‑caring boundaries that protect both the individual and the larger community. She outlines when an ultimatum is appropriate (e.g., core values, partner’s harmful passion, or a clear “do this or I’m leaving” scenario) and stresses that the threat must be genuine and enforceable. She also identifies faulty “ultimatums” such as “If you loved me, you would…,” explaining why they are logical errors rather than true ultimatums. The episode concludes with a health tip: a Yale study found that regular book reading is associated with a two‑year increase in lifespan, encouraging listeners to read more. Dr. Shaw ends with calls to subscribe, visit her website, and join her newsletter.
Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.
Welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed psychotherapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a life and relationship coach and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. My passion is helping women find their superpower, learn to embrace it, and share it with the world. Connect with me by texting the word join to 38470 or go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. So today's topic is strong women give ultimatums. Now, this might be a controversial one because I've noticed a lot of people don't agree with this, but let me give you my Superwoman win and my Superwoman fail, and we will dive right into the topic. So my win today is kind of a crazy one, but I told my daughter to urinate in the ocean. We were at the ocean, at the beach, hanging out, and she was out playing and she came running up to me, I gotta go to the bathroom. And I thought for a split second about taking her to that nasty bathroom at the beach. And then I just said, you know what, you can go in the ocean. It was kind of funny because she gave me the biggest confused yet super excited face that I have ever seen. And I know she was thinking, okay, this is my mom and she's telling me that I can go. And I told her, I'm like, everybody does it. It's fine. I know. She's like, is this true? And then I was thinking, okay, well, the fish go to the bathroom in there. So, I mean, you're swimming around with the fish going in there. I think it's true. You guys are gonna have to tell me, is that what you guys tell your kids? And I also realized I never told my boys to do this, but I have a sneaky feeling that they just did it on their own because, you know, they're boys. But my daughter, you know, so it was funny, but I watched her run back out to the ocean and wade out there. And I could tell she was going because she was kind of looking around anxiously thinking that maybe everybody else could tell she was going. It was funny. It was a win for me because I didn't have to You know, trek her all the way to the yucky, disgusting bathrooms at the beach. And hey, I gave my daughter some exciting freedom. So there's my win. But my fail is that I missed soccer signups for my daughter's soccer. And here's the thing, I was laying in bed. It was a Saturday morning, the one Saturday that my son didn't have a track meet, my other son didn't have a bike race. And I remember it was like 8 o'clock and I was thinking, This is the best feeling in the world. I don't have to do anything this morning. I had totally forgotten because I didn't look at my calendar. I had to be up at 8, really, because I needed to get over there for 8:30 signups for soccer. Didn't do it. Didn't figure it out till later that night. And I looked at my calendar and boom. So I'm going to have to pay more, but there is still another soccer signup. So that is, you know, the good thing, the win. Which of course it happens to be on a day that I have a speech. So I'm going to have to figure out how I can send somebody else to sign up. But my, my fail was I thought I had a free day. And whenever I have that feeling, I should know better. I don't have a free day. Something's going on. So there's my fail. Onto the topic, strong women give ultimatums. So ultimatums, they have a seriously bad reputation. And when I started thinking about this topic, Well, when I start thinking about any topic, I usually Google it to see what else is out there. And I already knew the general consensus about ultimatums. They're bad. They're horrible to use as a tool in a relationship, et cetera, et cetera. But I was shocked to read article after article talk about the damage that they do in relationships, that ultimatums are all about control. One article even said that if a woman uses an ultimatum, then she's insecure and she doesn't know how to communicate in a mature manner. Another article said that ultimatums are emotional abuse. I was flabbergasted. I feel like that's saying belts are abusive. No, a belt is a tool, just like an ultimatum is a tool. It can be used for good or it could be used for bad. So I started thinking, okay, All of these articles are saying how horrible ultimatums are. Maybe I don't really understand the definition of an ultimatum. So naturally I went to Google and I looked up the definition of an ultimatum just to make sure I'm not totally off my rocker. So here are the definitions that I found. An ultimatum is a final demand or a statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relationship. Another one was, an ultimatum is a final proposition, condition, or demand, one whose rejection will end negotiations and cause or force other direct action. Another one is, an ultimatum is a demand or threat that a person or group do something to avoid something unpleasant. So yes, ultimatums are serious business because it is usually a Final demand. But here's my metaphor for why ultimatums are a healthy thing. So let's say you just got a brand new car and you're cruising down the road at 85 miles per hour. You're not realizing it because the new car seems like it's going 60. Yes, this happened to me. Here's the reality. The freeway posts signs stating clearly what the speed limit is. It's posted all over the freeway. And we all know that if we break the speed limit and we choose consciously or otherwise to go 85 miles per hour down the freeway, a cop will stop you if he can catch you and he'll give you a $700 ticket. Yes, also happened to me. So this really completely fulfills the definition of an ultimatum. And I'm saying it's a good thing. Yes, it's a good thing because as much as I want to say, hey, you're being selfish and greedy, Los Angeles County, I think you should let me be a free spirit and drive however I want to drive. It's immature of you, Los Angeles County, to try to push me into good behavior by threatening to ticket me or worse, take me to jail. But the reality is that I'm not the only person on the road. I'm not the only one. And there's nothing selfish about the ultimatum. It's actually a threat that benefits the greater good. It's a self-caring act for Los Angeles County. I can't even believe I'm saying that because I'm still mad I got the ticket. But if you choose to set firm boundaries, it's a healthy and self-caring act for you as well. So I'm gonna call out all the ultimatum naysayers. Ultimatums create healthy behaviors in your partner, just like the speed limit creates healthy driving behaviors in me. Ultimately, no pun intended, we can't control other people's behavior. So really, an ultimatum isn't about controlling somebody else's behavior. Everyone chooses their own. If your partner chooses to abide by your ultimatum, essentially respecting your boundaries, it's his choice. And if your partner decides it's not worth it to him, it's also his choice. So here are the common ultimatums and why I say they're just fine. The first one is, you need to give your values up for me ultimatum. So if your values clash with his values, then I think it's fine to say, unless this changes, We need to separate. As long as you mean it. Giving an ultimatum and not following through on it is really just an idle threat. It's not an ultimatum. Never give an ultimatum unless it means so much to you that you are willing to end the relationship over it, or you were willing to give whatever the consequences that you're saying is the consequence for the behavior not happening or happening. That is self-love and that is self-care. Or maybe it'll end up being a good lesson for you because you will learn if it wasn't a good choice on your part, what really matters and what doesn't really matter if you continue to end relationships over trivial things. Another common ultimatum is you need to give up your passion or I'm leaving. Clearly his passion is interfering with the type of life or lifestyle you want for yourself. And my guess Is that if his passions were bringing in all kinds of money and success or whatever that means to you, you'd probably make concessions for it. So it's probably that his passion is more of a time suck and you're tired of it. Once again, it's your prerogative to be with who you want and to have the type of life that you want. Now I'm talking in the context of general relationships. I'm not necessarily talking about a marriage because there are different rules for a marriage that you've committed yourself to. But my position is that it's probably a better idea to end the relationship because some men will actually choose you and resent you forever. It's better for you to make that decision on your own instead of asking him to make it. But if you set this boundary, you're still making a caring choice for yourself. Now, I actually do know a married couple where the wife gave her husband an ultimatum to choose her or his passion that was literally draining them as a couple and a family. That's a tough call for a wife to make. And I'm sure there's a lot of judgment. Part of me even said, oh, ouch, I'm not sure that's the right decision. But ultimately he chose her and they're both happy. They were both happy that she was strong enough to help him see his need for the behavior change. That might be a special circumstance, but that is a reality. She, as a wife, needed to set that boundary because he was damaging her and the family. Another ultimatum is, you need to do what I want or I will leave ultimatum. It's the same thing. I'm certainly not giving you carte blanche to be a jerk in your relationship. Frankly, that's really just not going to get you anywhere. It's not going to get you what you want. It's not going to get you very far. And the only person you're hurting is yourself. Well, you're probably hurting your spouse too, or your partner too. But once again, if it's important to you, it matters, and it's okay to set the boundary. So here are some things that people might say are ultimatums that just don't work. Or I should say, here is one thing. If you loved me, then you would. Now, that's not an ultimatum. That's really just faulty logic. If someone calls this an ultimatum, they are wrong. We humans cannot tell another human how to feel. And even more complicated, we all express our love differently. So it's a complete logical error to ever determine that you can define someone's love for you by one single act or lack of. Literally, we humans are just not that simple. So bottom line, if you mean it and it means a lot to you, say it and be willing to back it up with the consequence. That's what strong women do. We give ultimatums, otherwise known as healthy boundaries. Now, if you use ultimatums as a tool to try to control your partner's behavior when you don't really intend to give the consequence, that's just wrong. But it's not the ultimatum's fault. It's yours. Strong women use ultimatums in a healthy, growth-propelling way. And now it's time for my health tip. Our minds and our bodies are intimately connected, and that is why I have a health tip segment. Stop the comparisons, ladies. Great news for all you bookworms out there. People who read books live on average 2 years longer than people who don't. A team of experts from Yale University found a link between reading more books and increased longevity, indicating that bookworms have a significant survival advantage compared with people who don't read books. As a bookworm myself, I'm pretty excited about this. They interviewed— researchers examined data that involved 3,635 people who participated in a large health study and answered several questions about reading. In the end, experts found that book readers who spend time up to 3.5 hours a week engrossed in a book were 17% less likely to die over a 12-year follow-up period. While those who read more than the 3-hour mark were 23% less likely to die. And although the report didn't distinguish the difference between reading a physical book or like a digital copy on a Kindle, it did find that those who read books in general lived an average of 2 years longer than those who don't. Now, interestingly, they found a similar association to longevity among people who read periodicals and newspapers, but the rate was a lot weaker. So You gotta read books, not just newspapers or your Instagram or periodicals. So go start reading. Now, what's interesting is it doesn't talk about whether listening to a book on tape counts. I'm kind of guessing it doesn't, which might put me out of the running, but hey, do what you can. You gotta multitask sometimes, but get that hard book out and start reading. Thanks for tuning into the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss a show. If you're interested in coaching or therapy, or you just want to get a little more help, go to my website at drzoeshaw.com or any of my social medias at the handle Dr. Zoe Shaw. Join my free newsletter by texting the word join to 38470, and I look forward to speaking with you wonderful ladies on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.
You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman, with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of The Dr. Zoe Show.
