84: The Fastest Way to Your Best Self | Dr. Zoe Shaw

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed psychotherapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a life and relationship coach and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. My passion is helping women find their superpower, learn to embrace it, and share it with the world. Really, I'm just about helping women tap into a strength that is already there. I have a weekly motivational little tidbit that I share and send out to anybody who wants to subscribe. So you can text the word join to 38470 or go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. So today's topic is the fastest way to your best self. I kind of don't like that word best self, but I guess that's the best way to describe it. Now I'm going to be talking about how to get to the person that you've always wanted to be the fastest. But first up, my Superwoman win and my Superwoman fail. For those who've been listening for a while, you already know why I share my embarrassing fails and my wins, my brags, the things where I've kind of hit it out of the park or good things that have happened. Everybody has the good stuff and the bad stuff. And often, whether it's just your random person on Instagram or your major influencer, we share the good stuff, we highlight the good stuff. But part of being a woman of strength is learning how to grow from our weaknesses, to learning how to grow from our deficits and our mistakes, and also celebrating the amazing wins that we have that sometimes we don't pay attention to. So I tell you, I tell you my embarrassing I tell you my wins so that you can get not just that, you know, I'm just a regular old person, but also that you need to celebrate both in your life because both of them serve you in the most magnificent way. So for my embarrassing and really just frustrating fail this week, so I'm the mom who dropped my kids off at a party only to find out later that it was a swim party. In my busyness, I missed that little detail. And I have to say, I feel like life is really hard when you're playing a single mom, and I'm playing a single mom. So I have a husband, he's been gone forever. It feels like a month and a half now. And feel free to play a little finger violin for me because I hear myself complaining and making excuses for why I'm dropping balls, but I'm not going to pretend like I don't drop them. I do. And it was so very frustrating. And I judge myself because I'm a working mom. And sometimes I feel like I'm just not doing it all well enough, 'cause clearly I wasn't that day. And I just really judge myself and feel like, Zoe, you're just, you're not doing it right. You know, look at all those other moms who are stay-at-home moms. They have it together. They read the emails completely. They know that it was a swim party and they had their kids all ready for a swim party. So I dropped my kids off 'cause I needed to run right back to my office to get more work done. And so I get a call from my son, You know, I'm a minute away. He's like, Mom, it's a swim party. I'm like, oh my gosh. So I gotta run back home, look for the kids' swim trunks, which of course are, you know, who knows where, took forever to find, drive back to the party to give the kids their swim trunks. Just wasted a lot of time. And for me, it was just embarrassing because I know we women judge each other. We just do. And I'm like, oh, the other moms are judging me. But that's the whole stuff I just gotta get outta my head. So anyway, that was my fail. I let it get to me, done and over now. Because like I said, we all mess up and I drop a lot of balls. And in one of my other podcasts, maybe it's speaking engagement, I talked about, you know, we're gonna drop balls. We just do as humans, as mamas, as women. What we need to do is just focus on making sure that the balls we drop, the very least, are the relationship ones. So that was a bad one. But it wasn't a relationship ball, so I'm good. And just keeping it real, sometimes we actually do drop those relationship balls, and that sucks, but that's where we have to have grace for ourselves and learn and grow and move on. And I just wanna send out some love to all of you real single moms out there. You inspire me, and I wanna just take some time to say thank you for all the times that you feel underappreciated. Your good deeds will not go unpunished. So for the good stuff, last night I hung out with an awesome tribe of women, all of whom I met on Instagram, I think a year ago or over a year ago. I got to meet most of them for the very first time last night, and we had a blast. They are all psychologists, influencers on Instagram, and these women rock. And we have been supporting each other as therapists who are out there in social media influencing the the world. And it was just so amazing for women to connect with each other. And we've been supporting each other in our projects and our books and our courses. And it was just amazing. So that was my win last night is that I connected with these women. And who says you can't meet amazing friends on Instagram? The weekend was a self-care weekend that Dr. Therese at Exploring Therapy put together. And I couldn't do the whole weekend just because my hubby's gone and I've got kids. I couldn't really leave for the weekend, too many activities and stuff like that going on, but I was able to meet up with him last night. We had dinner, we had dessert, and it was just a great time. But Dr. Therese put this whole self-care weekend for psychologists together. So I did want to just shout out to the sponsors for the weekend. We got sponsored by some awesome companies, and I felt like it was Christmas opening up all the wonderful things. Arcana is a wonderful skincare line that is free of all the stuff. I would list it all, but I'm going to give links to these companies. But they gave us some amazing facial pampering. So good. PJ Harlow, they have the dreamiest pajamas and they gave me a pair of the softest pajamas. They're one of Oprah's favorites. Just thank you so much for PJ for giving us those wonderful pajamas. Ittoy, which is at Shop Ittoy, they provided us with the most amazing t-shirt that said Woman Up. Once again, just so cottony, feels so good on your skin, and a necklace which is just beautiful. I'll be showing it on Instagram. South Bay Chocolate Companies gave us s'mores in a box, y'all. Dark chocolate covered graham crackers. Oh my gosh. Brielle Brielle gave us A semicolon bracelet, which is really to get the word out about suicide— suicide prevention, that is. And Beach Yoga SoCal. If you guys are in Southern California, you have got to try out Beach Yoga SoCal. Imagine taking a yoga class right at the beach. Olio E Osso provided us with lip balm that doubles as a blush. And thank you to Sweaty Betty for yoga pants and The Now for awesome massages. Onto the topic, the fastest way to your best self. So best self, best self, what is that? That word kind of sounds hokey. It's almost like it means nothing because after all, who isn't trying to be their best self? And I don't know where that term came up, but we hear it everywhere. We all kind of know what it means. And I don't even like the term, but really what it just means is that person deep down that you know you have the potential to be, your self-actualized, you know, self in Maslow's terms. But it's that person that you know you can be if only what? If only the circumstances were right, if only you had the things that you needed to put into place, you could grow up, if only you could get this relationship, whatever. But your best self is the person that you know is in there. And so I'm going to talk today about how to get there faster. As someone who's always seeking growth, I think about these things all the time. I am on a mission to become the best person that I can be. I'm on a mission to grow myself into my older, wiser Maya Angelou kind of woman. And I'm on a mission to help women do that too. And we do that by, of course, Challenging ourselves, learning from our mistakes, and being willing to change course when necessary. So the thing about our aspirational self is that person is always in the future. We imagine her and how she's going to be and don't always connect her with who we are right now in this moment. And that's the thing that makes it take longer for us to get there. We don't see her as us right now. Most of us have an inkling of who that person looks like, and we imagine that we will be her when all the stars align or when time and life has gone by and somehow magically it's going to happen. I was talking to a friend and she asked me what the podcast I was going to be recording next was about, and I told her it was about getting to your best self faster. And she said, well, isn't it just all about self-love? If you love yourself, won't you get to your best self? And, you know, I thought about that and I thought, first of all, that's too hard. Self-love, just telling somebody, just love yourself and you'll, you know, get to or be your best self is way too hard because not everybody loves themselves. And there's so many different ways you can love yourself. And that's just too difficult because there are plenty of people that love themselves and are still struggling with being able to kind of attain their best self. So self-love's great. That's not the fastest route. The fastest route is to start being that person today, even if you don't have a degree, or maybe you don't have the publishing credit, or you haven't finished the business proposal, or you haven't gotten that healthy relationship. The fastest route to getting to your best self is to start doing the things that your best self would do. I know that might sound simplistic too. It's not simple, but it's so doable. So how do we do that? Okay. So the first thing you need to start doing is imagining the person that you want to be in 5 years. We'll just start with 5 years and then we can go further or you can go further, but let's start with the person you want to be in 5 years. What does she look like? I mean, really, what about your appearance is the same? What is different? What does she look like? What is she doing? Who would you call her? Would you call her an artist, a mom, a wife, a speaker, an author? What would you call her? Now, I want you to get crystal clear about who this woman is. This is a writing assignment, y'all. Maybe you can record it, but it's a writing assignment. I want you to think about this woman and I want you to describe her, all parts of her. Where she is, what she looks like, what she's doing, what her internal world is like, what her spiritual world is like, how she's showing up in the world, and give her some names, descriptions. Although your aspirational or best self may be tied to some commonly held beliefs about accomplishments or success, your best self is about something so much more. It's about how you show up in the room, in your relationships, and in all aspects of your life. And it's time to stop waiting to become her. And I want you to take a moment with this exercise because I want you to really visualize this woman. This is you. This is who you need to be now. And this is who you're going to be in the future. So get her down. And then once you've described her super well, what I want you to ask yourself is, what does this person do every day that makes them the person that they are? And then start acting that way. So if you have an ethical or a moral dilemma that, you know, you need to work on in order to show up the way you need to show up in the world, or you plan to show up in the world, what if you just start acting like that person who has overcome the dilemma? Today you can. Now I'm telling you this because research has shown that acting as if makes changes. Smiling when you don't feel great creates chemical changes in your brain that actually increase your mood. So yeah, I'm telling you to act. I'm telling you to act as if, but it's more than that because you are choosing to be that person. You are walking into what's already there. What you know deep inside is who you were meant to be. And I'm telling you to start taking That step today to be that person. Don't wait until you've got everything together. Don't wait until you've gained more wisdom. The self-love and the wisdom is going to come in the process of all of that, but it's time to start being. So for an example, if you have an issue with lying, I want you to start talking to yourself about the honest person that you are. And then I want you to ask yourself, what does an honest person do? In the situation. And let me tell you a little trick when it comes to self-improvement. You are never obligated to be the person you were 5 minutes ago. So the reason why this is so important is because when we are trying to change a behavior, our natural response is going to be to do the old thing. And then when we do the old thing, then we're like, oh, we're upset, we are down on ourselves, or then we go, well, I can't take it back. So if you have an issue with lying, the Best practice is when you catch yourself lying, that is the time that you retract it. And you do it in the moment for a couple of reasons. The first is because you are starting to self-correct, and it's easy to just go, oh wait, no, actually, or, oh, that's not true, this is what really happened. And when you find yourself correcting in the moment or right after you said something, it does 2 things. Number one, might feel a little uncomfortable, and that encourages you and reminds you to Speak honestly the next time. And then number 2, it gets you into the practice. And what's going to happen is you're gonna start out catching yourself in the moment. And then as time goes on, you're going to catch yourself before, and then you will have stopped the practice. If you have an issue with confidence, same thing, ask yourself, what would a confident person do? And then start acting that way. Now, as you're doing that, the other thing it's going to create in you is a desire to understand that person. And you can then start researching, looking up, learning more about the steps so that as you act that way, it becomes a lot more congruent. If you have an issue with resentment or bitterness, which those are one of the biggest life stealers, same thing. I want you to ask yourself, what does a person who is happy and content do in a situation like this? Because that's who I am. You need to tell yourself who you want to be. And I am telling you, it might sound so simplistic, but it is life-saving. I started calling myself a motivational speaker before I ever got paid for my first speaking engagement. And as I started speaking about myself as a motivational speaker, I naturally had a desire to learn more about how motivational speakers get their gigs and increase my speaking skills and all the things that needed to happen. But it started for me by calling myself what I knew my best self was. Now, I could have waited until I had my first opportunity, or I could have believed the lie that I had to have my book out first before I could do motivational speaking. And all of those thinking patterns that my aspirational self is somewhere way far in the future would just slow me down from meeting her and being her. And sometimes it's scary to speak into yourself and say, this is who I am, because now you have to take action towards that person. And that can be scary. And if you are not doing scary things, then you are not growing in life. So walk into it, just walk into it. So that's the fastest route, figuring out who she is and start taking those steps that she would take until eventually she is you. And you'll gain a lot of wisdom. And figure it out along the way, but you'll get there faster. So as you're walking along this journey, there are some things that you can do to help yourself. And Eric Barker, in his book, Barking Up the Wrong Tree, talked about some core things that you need to do to help you get to your best self. So the first is treat yourself as if you were someone you were responsible for helping. I love this. So if you were responsible for helping you, that's taking that step out and looking at yourself. What would you say to yourself? And you need to treat yourself as that person who is responsible for helping you and help yourself get there, just like you would a friend. Speaking of a friend, he also suggests that to make better decisions, to think about your best friend. Take that outside perspective. I know I've talked about that a lot of times and follow the advice that you would give a buddy in the same situation. We often don't do that. But that is one of the best ways to make healthy decisions. Now for your own health, Eric talks about thinking about your dog or how you would treat your dog. If you look after your health the way people do for their pets, you'd probably live to be 150, he says. And for happiness, think about your grandma or any other encouraging, cuddly person full of wisdom that's been in your life. Turn that critical voice in your head into a nurturing grandmother, and you'll be more self-compassionate as you walk this journey with yourself. And lastly, I just want to talk about accountability. Anything worth doing is important to have somebody that you're accountable to, to do it. And that's another stretch because when you tell somebody, hey, listen, I'm working on myself and this is who I am becoming, and I need you to help me be accountable to being that person. And you can request that of the other person too, so that both of you guys are keeping each other accountable. But having some person in your life that you can be accountable to, even if it is your therapist, will help you move there and get there faster. It's one thing to disappoint yourself. It's another thing to have this idea that you're disappointing somebody else. And also, there is an emotional boost that occurs when You are encouraged, and somebody that you are accountable to will also be your encourager. Okay, so go get started today and please share with me. DM me, email me, tell me who you are. I would love to hear it. Next up, health tip. Our minds and our bodies are intimately connected, and that is why I have a health tip segment. Stop the comparisons, ladies. You be you, stay in your lane. So here's My health tip. I have discovered, for any of you guys on a low-carb diet, for any of you guys just on any kind of diet, replacing pasta with kelp noodles is amazing. I just discovered kelp noodles. They were at a health food store in LA, but guess where you can get them? Amazon. So no matter where in the world you are, if you don't have any decent health stores near you, you can get them at Amazon. So what are they? Kelp noodles are half-transparent noodles made from the jelly-like extract left after steaming edible kelp. They're made without the addition of grain flour or starch, and they do have like a chewy texture. So, I mean, it's slightly different than noodles, but it's better than any of those other noodle-type things. I was just so impressed by it. And of course, it's got all the nutritional benefits. So if you haven't tried it, try it, be open, and just try not to think that you're eating kelp. That was the only thing that got me is like, oh, I'm eating kelp. But try it before you knock it. It might just be your new go-to noodle. So next up, Real Talk. This is Real Talk where I answer questions from my listeners and I share my own musings and encouragement. Please reach out if you have some questions that you'd like me to address on the show. All questions are anonymous. I take your confidentiality seriously as if you were my own client. You can email questions to zoe@drzoeshaw.com, uh, or just connect with me on any of my social medias. I'm out there as Dr. Zoe. Uh, this question was curated from my column at thegritandgraceproject.org. You can always submit questions directly to me also. So here's the question. Dr. Zoe, I found out last year my husband of 25 years had been having an affair. He was a pastor when we first got married. We were teaching a Sunday school class at the time he was having the affair. I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with the betrayal of someone who is supposedly claimed to be such a wonderful Christian person. Okay, so dealing with betrayal is devastating, no matter what the circumstances. That gut-wrenching blow to a marriage and the psyche that's created by infidelity can really only be understood by somebody who's gone through it before. It can be imagined, but really only understood when it's happened So to be honest, when we're struggling to understand something, what we do is we hang our hat onto kind of the lowest hook. So whether it's the right hook or not, we hang our hat on it because we're just trying to understand something and we need something to make sense. So it's easy to feel that your confusion is because your husband was a pastor. But really, it hurts so much. And you never thought he would betray you like this, not just because he's a pastor or Bible school teacher. But because you trusted him and he's your husband. We can see from history though, that even pastors and wonderful, upstanding citizens are not immune to this issue. So the first thing is to stop expecting that you're ever going to fully understand the affair. It's probably never going to make sense to you because you're a different person than your husband is. And sometimes affairs happen because something in the marriage created a space of vulnerability for it. Sometimes affairs happen because there's a deficit in one spouse that leaves space for the affair, which means that basically the affair had nothing to do with you or the state of the marriage. Either way though, the affair is always the choice of the partner who chooses to have the affair. You didn't mention if the affair was recent or a long time ago, and it doesn't really matter because you just found out last year. And so that's when the lens through which you saw your marriage Crumbled. And often when both spouses are very much committed to the marriage, there's a rush to try to heal quickly and put the affair behind them. But I found it to be a really big mistake because you have to honor the devastation that the affair created. And you've got to take time to process, rebuild, and heal in a proper way. It's not the easier route, but it's the healthier route. It's also not fair to yourself if you have a should about how long your process is or how difficult it is for you. An affair is really like a death. It's the death of the marriage that you thought you had. And you might grieve this for, you know, a while, forever. But that doesn't mean it has to be a death sentence in a marriage. A lot of couples who diligently work through their issues will say that the affair is actually the best thing that ever happened to their marriage, that they're stronger now, As a result of the affair. And the reason is because it forces them to get super honest and vulnerable in a way that they probably weren't able to do before. Vulnerability fosters connection. And this might seem unimaginable to you right now. And that's okay, because that's not where you are in your process yet. But it can actually be better than it was before. The road of vulnerability, honesty, and connection is really one that you two need to be walking on for the ultimate health in your marriage. And I wonder if a part of you is still struggling to understand because there's some questions that maybe are still left unanswered. Sometimes those questions are better left unanswered, to be honest with you, but you should go ahead and talk to your husband about that. But unequivocally, you two should be in couples therapy, and both of you could benefit from individual therapy as well to understand as much as possible and work on healing if you choose to stay together. You've got this. So thanks for tuning into the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss a show. If you're interested in coaching or therapy, or you just want to get a little more help, go to my website at drzoeshaw.com or any of my social medias at the handle Dr. Zoe Shaw. Join my free newsletter by texting the word join to 38470, and you'll get my encouraging, notes on Sundays, and I'll also let you know when the next episodes are up. So I look forward to speaking with you wonderful ladies on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman, with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind Find in the Superwoman Game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of the Dr. Zoe Show.