85: Why Women Go Crazy in Their 40’s and Why It’s Okay | Dr. Zoe Shaw

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed psychotherapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a life and relationship coach and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. My passion is helping women find their superpower, a strength they didn't even know they had, learn to embrace it and share it with the world. Connect with me by texting the word join to 38470 or go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. Today's topic is why women go crazy in their 40s. Haha. I know it's an interesting one, but I'm excited to talk about it. If you're in your 40s, if you're near your 40s, or you know someone in or near their 40s, you gotta listen to this episode. But first, my Superwoman win and Superwoman fail. So the good thing is that, of course, my son graduated a couple of weeks ago. I had family come in. I took time off work. It was a busy, wonderful, amazing, fun time. And I did not work out much at all. It's crazy how quickly you can just drop a routine that you've been doing over and over, and it can be quite frustrating. And so my win though is that I got back in the gym. I went last Sunday, even though everything in my body said, I do not wanna go. And I've been able to get back on routine, but losing that motivation is super, super tough. But I'm sitting here with a very sore core and a sore, really overall body because I have gotten back. So that is my win. If any of you guys are struggling with motivation to do something that you've been doing or you know you need to do, Stop asking yourself whether you feel like it. The very last thing I should ever ask myself, you should ever ask yourself, is, do I feel like it? Because often the answer is going to be no, I don't. And that's really inconsequential. It doesn't matter if you feel like it or not. You just get up and do it anyway. And afterwards you'll feel amazing. And so for the topic of the day, why women go crazy in their 40s and why it's okay. Okay, so I'm gonna admit it. I went a little crazy when I turned 40. So some of this may or may not be about me. I went a little crazy, not bat-you-know-what crazy, just a I-don't-know-who-you-are-woman crazy. And the crazy thing is— crazy— it didn't happen all at once. It wasn't like I woke up and on my 40th birthday I was different. In fact, I look back on my journal, I think I did it a couple of weeks ago, and I read from the day I turned 40, and I was actually wonderfully contemplative. I was excited about my future. I even naively wrote that I didn't know what the whole big deal was about turning 40 because I felt wonderful. I felt like I was exactly where I should be in the world doing exactly what I should be doing. And I don't know if it was denial or if the world just changes so quickly, but I'm pretty convinced that all of the changes had to do with me turning 40. Now, my father had died around the year before I turned 40, so I'm not going to say that that didn't have anything to do with it. But I have had woman after woman come to see me sometimes for the very first time in their 40s, and I see a pattern, y'all. So So I'm gonna talk about it, why you go crazy in your 40s. So within that year of turning 40, like I said, when it first happened, I was like, no big deal, this is nothing, what's the big deal about it? But within that year, I developed an insane sense that I had to do these things that I'd always wanted to do, that time was running out, that I was losing my youth. And I, I never would've admitted this out loud or even to myself, I think at the time, but I do know that all of that was really a driving internal force. And honestly, this is the best time in the world to be 40. I don't feel old. I feel like I'm 20, even though the mirror says something a little different. But yet I still went crazy. And I say it's the best time because we're healthier than ever. We're taking better care of our bodies. You know, it's just a great time. So what exactly is going on in the psyche of a 40-something woman that often makes Us seem like we've gone off the deep end. I think Brené Brown described it very well when she talks about how early on as women, we entered into a social construct based on, quote, gender straitjackets. And we realized in our 40s that we want out. Now, I'm not going all feminist lingo on you. I'm not a feminist. But there's a lot of role-playing that we settle into in our 30s, and life is so busy, so there's not even time to question it. I mean, let's face it, if you get a minute when you're in your 30s, you're not really going to spend it contemplating roles and you're not going to spend it contemplating possible transformational changes in your life. You're just often not quite there. You're going to instead go sneak that brownie that you were hiding from your kids, or you're going to do something mindless like scroll Instagram, watch reality TV, not knit. But, you know, something mindless. But by the time we hit our 40s, we're a little exhausted because it took us 10 years to figure out that the expectations our family and the whole freaking world, including ourselves, has about what we can do and how well we can do it and how much we should be doing, that a lot of those expectations are just impossible for an actual human woman to fulfill. And so all that role-playing becomes a little unbearable around age 40. And it's not just about what other people put on us. It's about what we put on ourselves. Sometimes those false stories, this idea of who we should be, like I said, it gets a little exhausting. And around that time, we get a little more space sometimes, and we start to get a glimpse of who we once were. Or who we've always wanted to be. And that's kind of how— when I figured out that I needed to redefine my superwoman. Am I a superwoman? You're darn right I am. But do I need to define what that means, or did I need to define what that means? Yeah, for sure. All those accomplishments, all the material things that we gained by living this contract with ourselves about who we should be, It all starts to feel like it's a bargain that actually isn't even worth it. Women in their 40s have a sense that there's got to be more, that we're missing something, that something's not quite right, and we have a drive to figure it out and fast because we feel like time is marching on. Women in their 40s question everything, and sometimes we question it for the very first time. We question things we never thought were even questionable, things we always knew to be true. It's funny because around that time, I really caught on to that concept of 50% of the things that we think to be true are not true at all. Even God looks different in your 40s. He's not like the Easter Bunny or the Santa Claus of our childhood. We see God from an adult's eyes, and we can have a realistic adult relationship with him that is complicated. Whereas the Easter Bunny version of God is a faith That's simple. And I think that's a huge transformation is one in your spiritual or faith journey that I think begins to really happen around that time of 40s. And it can make us look like we're going a little crazy. Sometimes women in their 40s turn to affairs, addiction, disengagement with their family and their life. Now, this of course is not the healthy way to find the answer. So if you see yourself going down that path, Stop. There's a better way. There's a better way to walk through this stage. And I'll address that in just a minute. And women, especially at this stage in our lives, if you don't feel that you're where you wanted to be at this stage, you might start to resent your family. You might start to almost blame them, even though it's not their fault. And I think this is a tipping point where women can become bitter instead of becoming better. And of course, I'm challenging you. If you're in your 40s or entering your 40s and you're feeling kind of crazy, that this is the time that you need to focus on becoming better, not bitter. If 40 is the new 20, then we're trying to hold on tightly to that youth. But here's the thing. It's not a bad thing to want to hold on to youth. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy and focusing on longevity. You got a long life to live. You want to live it in a healthy way. And if you're focusing back on your health for the first time in a while, the newfound motivation in our 40s after a decade of sometimes coasting is exactly what we need to thrive in this next part of our life. 40 is young enough to create an entirely different life. So go do that. Now, true joy, I think, is a little harder to come by in our 40s. It was easier when we were young, but now it can kind of feel like a setup. Because we're scared of joy. We think it's going to trick us. So when we start to feel it, we get scared or sad and we sabotage it or shut it down. But then yet we still continue to seek it at the same time. So it's right there all along, but we don't connect with it because we're scared of it. Life can do that to us sometimes, but that's something you need to actively work against. And that's part of helping you stay young. Really, our craziness in our 40s all comes down to fear. We fear failure, sickness. We fear old age. We fear losing time. We fear death. And the ignorance of youth really is bliss. I'm watching that with my son right now. As much as I talk to him about his health and the future, there's an ignorance of youth, but we can't be ignorant anymore. We're just too smart and we have some wisdom. We've lived too long and we've seen too much to believe that we're invincible. The good news is that there are people who are happy in their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s, and that means that you can be too. The key is to never stop growing. The key is to always have something you're working towards. So how can you use your craziness? Basically, every age has a difficult stage, and that stage propels us and grows us for the next season. So toddlers, I'm sure they feel a little crazy. We know teenagers act a lot crazy, and I know they feel a little crazy Me too. So if you're feeling a little crazy, that means you're right where you should be developmentally. Use that craziness, use that as energy to get done what you need to get done. Another thing is to create affirmations, create affirmations in your life that are true about who you are and who you want to be and who you want to show up as in that next stage of your life. Now remember, the antidote to fear is practicing gratefulness. So if you're scared, if your 40s are creating some fears in you or triggering some fears that have kind of long been there, take a look around yourself and speak what you're grateful for. It doesn't mean you want to stay here. It doesn't mean that you don't want something better. You're headed there, but be grateful for what you have accomplished and where you are right now. You can still grow from a place of joy. I think a lot of people feel like they can't, so they have to be unsettled and unhappy where they are. No, you can be happy as you're in progress, as you're in transition. You can grow from a place of joy. Next, you gotta stop the labels. This is not a crisis. Don't call it a midlife crisis. This is a growing. The caterpillar has to go inside in order to become a butterfly. And it's okay if you need to go inside for a bit. It's okay if you don't look like you always looked. The butterfly is becoming. Let her become because you're growing something good. I think the biggest key in this stage is to not judge your own transformation. Don't take in others' criticism about your transformation, because everybody's gonna have something to say. And anytime you change, you are changing a part of the system you live in. And when you change a part of the system you exist in, that system tries to pull you back to equilibrium. So you're gonna see it in your family, you're gonna see it in your friends, you're gonna see it in relationships. People are gonna be like, what's up with you? Why aren't you being your normal self? We like your normal self. Come on back. Don't. Not everyone wants to or needs to transform, and those who don't sometimes want to keep you down with them. And sometimes we have to let people go in our lives or they'll stunt our growth. So go cut your hair, move, change your style, get new friends. You do you, you do what you need to do as you go through this stage. So enjoy the craziness of your 40s. Stay present in this stage and yet happily look forward to what's next because you're growing it. I expect in another 10 years, I'll be talking maybe on this forum or in another about the amazing 50s. So tell me, share with me on Instagram, hit me up on social media. What stage are you in? Can you relate? I'd love to hear from you. And I promise it will take me a couple days to respond. Next up, health tip. Our minds and our bodies are intimately connected, and that is why I have a health tip segment. Stop the comparisons, ladies. Just focus on your own health. So quick tip today. Do you have houseplants in your bedroom? I hope you do. And if you don't, you need to go out and get some now. Houseplants offer numerous health benefits. One of them is improving the air quality in our bedrooms. They purify the air by absorbing carbon dioxide and releasing fresh oxygen as part of their natural life cycle. They can also, like if you get a plant like lavender, you can improve the quality of your sleep. So go get some houseplants, put them in your bedroom. Quick, easy way to make a little change in your health. Next up, Real Talk. This is Real Talk where I answer questions from my listeners and I share my own musings and encouragement. Please reach out if you have some questions you'd like me to address on the show. All questions are anonymous. I take your confidentiality seriously as if you were my own client. You can email questions to zoe@drzoeshaw.com, and thank you for the questions you have been emailing me. I've gotten them and I will be getting on them. This question was curated from my column at thegritandgraceproject.org. You can always submit your questions directly to me or to the Grit and Grace Project. Dr. Zoe, I've become increasingly unhappy in my workplace, but not my position, due to a seriously unkind and hostile coworker. I've been pondering whether I should make a change but don't have another job secured as yet. Is it faith or foolishness to leave a job when one doesn't have another one to go to immediately? Okay, so it is foolishness. Unless you don't need the finances that your job provides, it's completely foolish to leave when you don't have another job secured. Believe me, the sense of relief that you'll feel is quickly going to be overshadowed by all the stress of finding a new job before your And I don't know, employment isn't guaranteed to employees who quit their job. So this might sound harsh, but quitting your job because you don't like your coworker is not stepping out on faith. That's stepping out in anger and frustration, and you're just trying to rationalize it. I've worked at a few jobs where I didn't like somebody, so I totally understand how energy-sucking that experience can be. Yeah, I know. Don't ignore it and don't ignore its effect on you, but don't harm yourself unnecessarily by prematurely trying to solve a temporary problem. Now, you can make it a temporary problem by using your frustration as motivation to hit the pavement and secure a new job. No one should have to work in a hostile, miserable situation, but in the meantime, here are some tips that you can use maybe to deal with hostile people as you're working in the workplace. When you're working with hostile people, you've got to minimize interaction. Try to keep it only to facts and keep it logical. Don't waste your time trying to convince them to see your point because you'll never convince them. And if you don't play their game, the bully's going to go and bother somebody else. You have to expect them to be who they are. Them meaning the difficult people. They've already shown you who they are. Don't expect anything different. That is craziness when you think, well, hopefully it will change. Well, why? Unless there's some crazy impetus for change, you've got to recognize and decide that they aren't going to. So you've got to lower your expectations so that they won't disappoint you. Next, you need to create a distraction. Change the subject if the conversation is not productive. It's okay to just not participate in it. And don't engage, like I said. Keep your cool and keep quiet. Hostile people get fired up when someone else is up for a fight too. And if you ignore their attempts to engage, they're going to get bored and they'll go on and find a more willing partner. You can't take it personally either. This isn't about you. Their anger is a projection of their own miserable reality. People who are miserable like to make more people miserable. So you can feel sorry for them that, you know, your coworker hates his or her job, but don't enable her to spew her negativity on you. Next, you also need to know your rights and you need to defend it if necessary. Just because you aren't engaging with the other person doesn't mean that you're a doormat either, that you should be a doormat. If someone's being volatile or abusive, never accept this type of behavior. From someone treating you or watching them treat somebody else. Know your rights and report them to HR if necessary. So you've got to look at this as an opportunity to strengthen your people skills instead of feeling like you just have to run right away. You can grow from this experience, and that's going to make you better in your next job. Learning how to handle difficult people is a skill you need for the very rest of your life. You've got this. So thanks for tuning into the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss a show. If you're interested in coaching or therapy, or you just want to get a little more help, go to my website at drzoeshaw.com or any of my social medias at the handle Dr. Zoe Shaw. Join my free newsletter by texting the word join to 38470. I look forward to speaking with you wonderful ladies on social media throughout the week. Bye. Have a super week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, redefining your superwoman with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends. And subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of the Dr. Zoe Show.